Before I knew it, the time for us to exhibit our group performances to see who would perform at the exhibition, was there. There were ten groups altogether, and only three would get to be exhibited. Hopefully, Min Hee and I were in that three. 

"Are you ready?" Jessica asked, stepping back from fixing the lemon green jacket on Min Hee's shoulders. "Nervous?"

Min Hee took a shaky breath. "I don't think we can get any more ready, at least. I mean, Mel and I practiced almost every night. Seriously, we'd just hear someone say something and that would start us into bursting into singing it. It was quite fun, actually." She smiled, then looked at our competition and bit her lip. "I am nervous, though."

Krystal patted her on the back. "Hey, don't worry about it. You'll do fine. You had the best coaches in the world!"

I laughed. "Modest, aren't we? Besides, it's not like we could ask anyone else to coach us on this song. I mean, it's not like the artist name is 'Jessica and Krystal Jung'..."

"Exactly!" Jessica remarked, "and from we saw, you two did really well. Besides, just remember that you have to have fun. That's what this song is about. You realize that you're in love with someone, and now that you know it, you feel a lot happier. So just be dorks. You know, your usual selves. Okay?"

Min Hee and I nodded, laughing nervously. "We'll make you proud, I promise," I said, somewhat confidently. Actually, I didn't have any great revelations about who I loved, but my forgiveness from Zhou Mi and my return to basis normalcy with the rest of the members had at least made me feel ridiculously happy, and that was close enough for me.

"You'd better!" Krystal replied, "If you ruin this song, we'll be really upset! We're counting on you!"

"Okay, 'fighting' on three," Min Hee whispered, looking around at the other teams. We all put our hands in, counted to three, and then yelled "HWAITING!" purposely incorrectly, at the top of our lungs, laughing as we broke. 

"We'll be cheering for you!" Jessica called as we parted ways-- the Jung Sisters to the auditorium seats, and Min Hee and I to the backstage area. We'd be going up pretty early, since the performances were categorized alphabetically by song name. 

Backstage, we took turns reminding the other to breath properly. We could do this. 

Our names were called. I nodded to Min Hee, and we got to our feet. Just before we stepped out into the bright light of the stage, I whispered to Min Hee, "just don't forget to smile."

The music began, and the two of us exploded out onto the stage, singing happily. 

"Da da-da-da-da,
Da da-da-da-ah
Da-dadada-ah-ah..."

Honestly, that was my favorite part. I liked it because it was just nonsense, yet always sounded so happy.

We'd pretty much agreed that since Min Hee had the higher pitched voice, that she would do Jessica's parts, and I would do Krystal's. And it had turned out pretty well. So I stepped into the background while Min Hee sang, relieved that she looked like she was honestly enjoying herself. 

"You’re cute, so sweet,
These are the words I always mumble at my lips
Whenever you turn your back to me and walk far away"

So far so good. Now my turn. I stepped into the limelight, joining Min Hee at center stage. I found Jessica and Krystal in the audience, who were cheering like legitimate fangirls. It was hard NOT to smile.

"I wonder if your heart hurts like mine..."

Min Hee and I leaped into the air, high-fiving in mid-air, singing as powerfully as we can manage. Oh yeah, we had this song down. 

Butterfly, alright, now I know
The reason why I always feel empty and hated you at times
Because I loved you
I can’t hide it anymore, gonna tell you that, butterfly"

Can never forget your shining eyes
Under the fireworks that dark night

Only if I were a little older, I could have kissed you..."

Oh yeah. This was totally the song for me. I sang with even more vigor, smiling like an idiot at Min Hee as I danced and sang, marvelling that I was actually getting the right notes.

"Butterfly, bring us away
To the moment I first saw him, to the place our eyes first met
I fell in love with you at that moment, gonna tell you that, Butterfly

Hoping that my mind goes wrong and stops thinking
Why do I always cry when I think about you?
Butterfly, now I realized, the reason why I always feel empty and hated you at times – because I loved you
I can’t hide it anymore, gonna tell you that, butterfly

Butterfly, bring us away
To the moment I first saw him, to the place our eyes first met
I fell in love with you at that moment, gonna tell you that, Butterfly

Butterfly Butterfly Butterfly
Whoah yeah~ Butterfly..."

We faded out, breathing heavily from running around the stage and dancing, but with smiled glued onto our faces. Actually, we burst out laughing as soon as the song was over. It was a stress reliever, actually. The song helped us forget about the impending exhibition. 

Jessica and Krystal led the cheers, screaming at the top of their lungs and jumping to their feet. We felt a little overwhelmed by the applause, actually. The seats weren't filled, but the level of noise was equal to what would've been heard if there had been. Min Hee and I couldn't help but smile at each other. 

Our judges (consisting of people from the company, and not including any artists, probably so there wouldn't be any accidental favoritism), waited for the applause to die, then looked up at us.

"So. Choi Minsung and Kim Min Hee, is it?"

"Yes, sir," I answered, biting my lip. I was suddenly nervous again.

"If I remember correctly, the two of you are roommates?" Another judge asked. You'd recognize her. She was the snow leopard lady.

"Yes, ma'am, that's right," Min Hee answered. 

Snow Leopard Lady leaned forward on her elbows. "I see. So what made you choose this particular song?"

Min Hee and I looked at each other again. I tried to tell her with my expression that Snow Leopard Lady didn't like me, so it was probably better that she did the talking.

Fortunately, she got the picture quickly enough. "As trainees, we go through a lot of hardship and stress, and sometimes it can get so difficult that we can fade into depression and start to look at the negative side of life. We chose this song because we didn't want to always show that life and love can be sad. We wanted to show that it's possible to enjoy the hard times, and look back at them and laugh."

 "Basically, you wanted to look happy, even when you aren't?" She asked snidely.

"No, ma'am! That's not what she means!" I blurted, unable to stop myself. "We wanted to show that it's always possible to enjoy what life gives you. That's all."

"Yes... well, that will be all. Thank you, girls."

We left the stage feeling quite dispirited. Why was she treating us so unfairly? We practiced just as hard, trained just as long, and struggled just as much as the other trainees. Now I felt bad for dragging Min Hee along with me. She wouldn't have gotten this treatment.

We took the long way into the audience, sitting down next to Jessica and Krystal, but they had to leave right away, for their different schedules. So we were left alone to discover whether or not we were quite good enough.

We watched, we waited, we hoped, Min Hee prayed. Maybe it was just my personal high opinion of myself, but I didn't think that any of the other groups got quite the thunderous applause that Min Hee and I received. Of course, we were SM trainees. None of the performances were bad. But Min Hee and I still applauded, for the sake of being polite. Even when a group of Lily and her cronies performed, I clapped, because being a jerk didn't make me the better person. 

Finally, all of the groups were done. We sat in the auditorium seats, waiting for the judges to reach their decisions. I clutched the arm of my seat, tightly enough that my fingernails carved little crescent moons into the wood. 

Gently, Min Hee laid her hand on my arm. "Don't worry, Mel. We're going to make it. I know it."

I half-smiled, then went back to biting my lip and damaging the chair. 

Finally, Snow Leopard Lady stood on the stage, coolly looking down at all of us. "Now, the announcement of the trainee groups to perform at the exhibition. Those who are announced will receive their performance information tomorrow."

Group two, I thought as loudly as I could. Group two, group two, group two...

"Groups three, seven, and ten, we look forward to having you at the exhibition."

My heart sank to a depth it would take a long time to resurface from. 

We had failed. 

 Min Hee and I just sat there, stunned, as the auditorium emptied, staring at the people that flooded by us, never even glancing at us. I dropped my head between my knees, taking deep breaths to calm my heart. I stayed there, absorbed in my concentration, even as I heard speaking from above me. 

"Hey, Min Hee, right?"

"Yes, that's me."

"Wow, it really that you didn't get in. I thought your performance was the best out of EVERYONE! Those judges were just too much. I think they're just being unfair because they don't like foreigners."

"Maybe."

"Well, maybe next time you'll have a team that will be judged fairly. I feel bad for you, having to work with a girl doomed to fail from the start. See you later, Min Hee!"

I bit my lip hard at the last comment. Having to work with a girl doomed to fail from the start. Just a mild insult, nothing major. Just let it slide.

"Who was that?" I asked, standing up and waiting for Min Hee.

"Just Lily," Min Hee answered, carefully wiping tears from her eyes without smearing her eyeliner.

"Yeah," I muttered, "Just Lily."

Min Hee was taking a co-workers hours that day, so she left early while I went to the vocal training room to wallow in my hatred. 

Unfortunately, I wouldn't get the chance, because leaning against the wall, once again waiting for me, was Lily. 

Of course, I did the better thing and pretended I didn't see her. Walk right by, Melissa. Just don't even aknowledge she's there, and maybe she'll leave you alone.

"Hey, Bee Puke." No such luck.

I continued to pretend I didn't hear her, which I knew annoyed her. I'd been bullied for a large portion of my life-- it took me a while, but I eventually learned how to handle bullies... as long as it was them doing the bullying. In those cases, the only way you could win was to really ignore them. Of course, it didn't always make them go away (in fact usually didn't), but it did give you the moderate feeling of success for frustrating them.

"Hey, did you hear me?" 

It's always extremely hard not to answer, since you know how much I like to talk. Especially considering there's always a good number of snappy comebacks you can always think of, but ignoring them is really the best comeback. All I had to do was ignore her until I got to the vocal training room, and then I could just ask Nakata-sensei for some private training time, and I could leave Lily behind for the time being. 

I continued to head for the training room door, eyes completely focused on my destination. Ten more steps. Nine. Eight. Seven...

She stood in the doorway, leaning across the little alcove to block my way. "I asked you a question, Bee Puke."

"Oh, me? Really? I thought you were talking to someone else," I tried, attempting to push past her.

"You're pulling her down, you know? Your friend. She could have easily won if she were in my team. You know, group seven. One of the ones who won. If Kim Min Hee didn't pity you so much, she could have debuted already. But because of you, she fails, time after time. You don't realize how much of a parasite you are, do you?"

People say I'm masculine because my first instinct when insulted is to hurt people. I'm a very physical person. And believe me, I knew a hundred ways to hurt Lily right then, none of which she could stop. All it really took was one little shove from me, and she would crack the back  of her skull against the whitewall, possibly giving her a concussion. That's one thing the bullying person does not expect from me-- I am very strong.

But that would just give her satisfaction. She could easily paint me as the bad girl with wrong suspicions about her, just attacking her out of nowhere. I may be violent, but I'm not stupid. 

Instead, I set my jaw and met her eyes, meeting her snide smile with a cold glare. You remember that glare. It got me in trouble once. 

"I do realize it. I think about it every day. I worry and fret about my weaknesses, then get caught up in wondering if my weaknesses are hurting others. But then I stop and realize that I am not the only parasite in this company."

I grabbed her arm, forcefully, but carefully, moving it out of my way, so I could escape into the vocal training room.

I came out of the room, feeling slightly better about myself, but yawning. The day had been just too stressful. I really needed to sleep. 

And there was Zhou Mi, walking by, as usual. I fell into step next to him, taking comfort in the routine feel of it. Just like most every other day. 

I was tempted to tell him about how angry I was, about how unfairly I felt I was being treated, how Lily hated my guts even though I'd never done anything to her, how she drove people to hate me, and spent great amounts of her time plotting new ways to make me feel horribly about myself. I was tempted, but I didn't. It was enough to hear from SoHee that I was just being biased against Lily. That I was the bad guy. I wouldn't be able to take it if I heard it from any of the Super Junior members, Zhou Mi included. Besides, if I always counted on them to protect me, people would start to believe that I only remained in the company because my Oppas protected me. I refused to stain their reputation. 

So I remained silent for a time, until I could think of something else to say. 

"Was Mimi at the trainee group performances today?" I finally decided to say.

"No, I wasn't. Sorry, Niuwang, I was at a meeting with a television company. They're thinking of casting me in another drama."

"Chincha?! What's it called? I promise to watch it EVERY week!"

He laughed and messed up my hair, which, as you know, annoys me. "I said they're thinking of casting me, Niuwang. Not that they already have."

"Well, if they possess any kind of brain at all, they will." I replied firmly, pausing my step for a second to make sure he got the idea.

He stopped with me, just looking down at me and smiling. Then he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and hugged me, quickly letting go. "Always so confident," he muttered, shaking his head jokingly, then starting to walk again.

"In you," I answered. "I'm always so confident in you. And the rest of my Oppas. Everything else is still uncertain."

"What about yourself?"

"Sometimes I question it."

He paused in the hallway, but I kept walking, the last thing I saw being the bow-like curve of his frown.

When I got back to the dorm, I turned the music on and opened my notebook, looking down at the multitude of songs I had written over the past month or so. One about the emotions I had felt when I had thought I loved Sungmin. One about a false love. One about Henry. One about the color of the ELF.

I flipped to an empty page, clicking my pencil led out to a decent length, then setting it to the paper, writing the words in a rapid cadence, the sound of the pencil like music in itself. I realized, suddenly, that every song I'd written previously had been either happy or sad. This one was the first song I had written where I was angry and frustrated. 

Writing it down had a therapeutic effect on me. Even as I wrote, I could feel the vicious fury leeching out of me and onto the paper, and with it the frustration that had been fueling me up to that point. I fell asleep with the pencil still in my hand.

I woke up the next morning with a very sore neck. I cracked it, trying to get the bones in their former position of comfort, then rubbing my eyes and appraising my situation. There was a blanket thrown over me, and my pencil was sitting neatly on top of my notebook, a few feet away from me. I leaned over to grab it, then saw the sticky note on the notebook paper.

"I came in late last night and saw you passed out on the floor. Thought about moving you to your bed, but then realized you'd be too heavy. Sorry, I read your song. It's really good. It made me realize what this thing with Lily has done to you. I've never seen you write something so frustrated. I'm on your side, Mel. You know that.   -Min Hee <3

I wanted to cry, reading it, then wanted to frame it and keep it forever and ever and ever, so someday when I have grandchildren, they'll ask me why I have a random framed sticky note. It made me feel that much more warm and fuzzy inside. Some girls think that boys are the only ones who can make them feel better. But in my experience, the boys never QUITE understood why you could get so upset over some things. That's what friends were for.

I closed the notebook around the sticky note, half smiling. Min Hee's care was heart-warming, but in spite of myself, I remembered the words "If Kim Min Hee didn't pity you so much, she could have debuted already. But because of you, she fails, time after time." 

Lily was definitely cracking my hard emotional armor. It wasn't like I wanted to care about what she said. It just happened that way. I had always worried just a little bit that Min Hee helping me was hurting her. It was my worst fear. Lily's observation of that was like an elbow in the side, just digging in under my ribcage. 

I myself thought that SM was stupid to ever reject Min Hee. She was the epitome of artistic talent-- everything you'd expect from an SM artist. If that was the case, then why would they have rejected our duet? 

Obviously, because Min Hee was not the problem. It was quite clear to me. As long as she remained her friend, it was quite possible that she might never debut.

I could make her hate me. Struggle as hard against me as I could, viciously push her way to the top. She would easily make it. Yet-- she was my roommate. If I made her hate me, it would only make dorm life awkward and horrible for the both of us. Not to mention that the idea of no longer having Min Hee as my friend terrified me. And if Min Hee hated me, what was to say that my other friends in the company wouldn't see me as a terrible person, and hate me, too? Even my friends in FASE would be furious. Maybe it was the right thing to do, but... I was terrified of being alone and hated in Korea. My current status was bad enough.

So what to do? I desperately needed to talk to someone about my frustrations and concerns-- someone who wasn't being dragged down by me, and someone who wouldn't immediately write me off as being cruel to Lily. I loved Min Hee, but I was fairly sure she wasn't the person I needed right then. She was the best at making me feel better. But what I needed right then was someone who could help me. Guess I needed to grab some popsicles. And maybe some cat treats.

It didn't take me long to tell Heechul pretty much everything. Actually, it was less "telling" and more "ranting". I ranted about every single thing that Lily said or did that pissed me off, and every single word that people had said that made it look like I was the bad guy. Apparently she was just the sweetest little thing to everyone but me, so people can't possibly put the blame on her. 

Yeah, you get the idea. 

We were sitting on the floor of one of the practice rooms, eating popsicles, and Heebum lounged nearby. The blue cat was as lazy as they come, and was also the most cooperative cat on the planet. Then again, with Heechul as his master, it's understandable. Heebum had just stopped caring. 

"You're really upset by this, aren't you?"

"Why wouldn't I be?! There's no f***ing way out. If I beat Lily into a pulp, I'll have fulfilled her expectations, and everyone will think of me as an evil witch. If I let her have her way, she makes people hate me even more. If I don't do anything, people say that I'm a weakling. If I cling to Min Hee, I'm bringing her down. If I force her to stop worrying about me, she'll hate me. If she hates me, everyone else will. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I SHOULD DO, AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!"

I collapsed back onto the floor, my energy expended through the effort of the final explanation. Heebum took the opportunity to lay on my face. Yes, thank you, kitty. My frustration is easily cured by getting a bunch of hair in my mouth.

Heechul picked Heebum off my face, cradling the cat in his arms and trying not to smile. "Don't worry, I know that you wouldn't hate anyone without any real reason. Not this much. You're too much like me that way."

"Yes, thank you."

"We can pull some strings, but I have a feeling you won't like that."

"Of course not. If I let Oppa take care of it, then you'll get hurt. And that's even worse."

"I know. Minimin is all about making things easy for us. Which I appreciate, don't get me wrong. But if you don't want me to help you, then what exactly do you want from me?"

"That sounds absolutely horrible, Oppa," I complained, "do I have to want something from Oppa in order to talk to Oppa? Of course not. I just wanted to tell someone who wouldn't immediately dismiss me as the evil one. If I keep all of this frustration pent up in my head, I'm going to go completely NUTS. Okay, maybe I just wanted to tell you because the act of telling someone might give me some ideas for a way out. I just wanted Oppa to listen. You know, Listen. Listen. Heechul-oppa, are you paying attention?!"

Heenim looked up from the belly rub he was giving Heebum. "I'm sorry, I was just waiting for you to finish."

"Yeah, thanks," I answered sarcastically, doing everything I could not to accidentally direct any anger at him. None of this was Heechul's fault. He was just being himself. 

"You're really being dumb about this," he commented off-handedly, "You're thinking about all the hard ways to do it. It seems pretty obvious to me."

"What's pretty obvious to you?"

"She's targetting you because you're a threat. She came here expecting that she would have to compete against everyone's superior dancing and singing skills, but you're not really good at those. She doesn't know how to handle you, so she's scared.

Okay, I guess that's the reason I talk to Heechul. He has this outside-of-the-box way of thinking that could put solutions to problems when common logic didn't really work. I had never even once thought that people at the company were afraid of me for any reason other than that I was close friends with a lot of the artists already. The past events had shown that I barely hung on to my place as an SM trainee by the skin of my teeth. There was no real reason to be threatened.

"Why in the world would she be scared of me?" I couldn't help but ask out loud.

"Have you looked in the mirror?"

I glared at him, of course not winning, since Heechul had a fairly decent ice glare of his own, but always worth a shot. Finally I gave up, throwing my hands in the air. "Okay, let's assume that you;re right, and she is threatened by me. If that were the case, what am I supposed to do about it? Doing my best to terrify her doesn't make me the better person."

"No. It would be fun, though."

"That's mean. Of course, I should expect it from you, Heechul-oppa."

"I'm just kidding! Stop taking everything I say seriously!"

"I never know when you're being serious or just joking! Besides, if what you think is right, then the only way I could terrify her even more would be to just do better than her. Win against her."

Heechul's eyebrow went up, and I realized what I'd just said. I suppose you could call it "seeing the light". 

Suddenly I was up on my feet, running to hug Heechul, then grabbing my stuff, qiuickly rubbing Heebum's belly, then dashing out the door.

Behind me, I heard Heechul call out, "I told you it was obvious!"