"No, no more tears.
Not this time.
Not again.

I won't let them out.
I refuse.
I'll bite my lip
and swallow my words.

I won't become who you are.
I won't let myself.
This anger-- it's at you.
No one else.

Calm the heartbeat.
One, two, three, exhale--
that's right. 

Steady the hands.
Left hand, right hand--
don't let them shake.

Bite back the vicious words--
they're things you would say.
And I will not be you.

Control the angry thoughts.
They solve nothing.
Understand, listen, believe.
Hope carries on.

Do not fight.
Do not kick and scream,
do not bite and claw.
and most of all,
do not cry.

I am strong.
Too strong for tears.
This is not sorrow--
no place for weeping.

This is anger.
This is jaw-clenching,
mind-numbing,
blood-boiling anger.

It will consume me
if I'm not careful.
So I must fight it--
swallow it.

Must not argue,
must not disobey,
must not show the pain.

But first--
do not cry."

I finished reading the poem to Nakata-sensei, proud of my work. I'd removed the sticky note, and now carefully put it back on the page. "What do you think, Sensei? I'm thinking of naming it 'No Place for Weeping' after that one line in the ninth stanza. I have to find music for it yet, but I like it."

"It's very nice, Minsung. Powerful. I've never considered you as someone who swallowed anger. You're deceptive."

"I'm just full of surprises!" I replied somewhat joyfully. "I usually don't have to. People don't realize it, but most of the crazy things I do, I do because I've already appraised the consequences, and disregarded them as minor. I generally don't consider a punishment to myself as important. But if someone else is going to get hurt because I say something... that's when the control has to come in."

"Interesting. Well, I wish you the best of luck. Your musical skills have significantly improved. I think you'll do well in the exhibition. I'm sorry for your failure at the group competition, by the way. From what I saw of you and Kim Min Hee, I thought you'd do better. It seems strange that the two of you didn't succeed."

"I'm trying to think of it positively. I mean, at least this way we can now focus on our other exhibitions."

Nakata-sensei nodded thoughtfully. "I'm glad. You seemed very depressed when last you were here. But... I'm not supposed to tell you this, but... having the additional performance would have been a great help to you. This exhibition is a trainee cut, you see. If the company isn't completely satisfied with you, it will cut you. They're saying they'll only keep twenty trainees. And there are over fifty. You can't get distracted at all, or you'll fail. I hope-"

She was cut off by her desk phone ringing. She picked it up, switching from the Japanese we had been using to the Korean that was standard at the company. "Yeobusseyo?" She listened for a while, then put the phone down. "Minsung, they're calling you to the office you went last time. I think you're in trouble for something, but I don't know what. I'm sorry. Still, remember what i said. You really must do your best."

"I plan on it," I replied, determinedly. I was in trouble, but I could handle it. I had an agenda now, at least.

I was REALLY in trouble.

Entering Snow Leopard Lady's room, I was greeted by not only the frozen cat-lady herself, but a whole host of high-on-the-horse people from the company. Whatever I'd done, it must of been bad.

The weird thing was, I couldn't think of anything I'd done that was any worse than usual.

They were all glaring at me like I was a particularly disgusting piece of gum stuck to the bottoms of their shoes. It was really disconcerting. Seriously, all I wanted to do was go back to my practicing and songwriting, so I could crush Lily's hopes of winning against me, fair and square. Was that too much to ask?

"Have a seat, Choi Minsung."

I did.

"Can I ask what this is ab--"

"Do not speak unless spoken to."

I zipped my lips. O...kay... 

Snow Leopard Lady tapped some keys on her laptop, then turned the screen to me so I could see it. "Are you familiar with this picture?"

"No," I answered automatically, not lying in the slightest. I had never seen that picture before in my LIFE. It was a pleasant enough photograph of one of my tri-weekly walks with SuJu's dogs, the park's fall colors fairly clear in the background. In the foreground, I sat on a park bench, holding the leashes in my hand, leaning down and petting the head of Yoochun's Siberian husky, with Yoochun sitting next to me on the bench. Both of us were laughing about something.

"Are you denying that you have ever met Park Yoochun?"

"No, I didn't say that. I didn't know anyone took a picture. Yes, I've met Yoochun-oppa before."

"You meet him for what reasons? Are you in a relationship?"

"What? No! What is this all about?"

"We recieved a report, in addition to this picture, that instead of your assigned job to clean and maintain Super Junior's dorm, you are sneaking out in order to engage in conversations with Park Yoochun, telling him everything you can about our company, even during your brief relationship with Lee Sungmin. We're trying to figure out what you've been telling him."

My mind was spinning. "I don't-- you've got this all wrong..."

"WHAT HAVE YOU TOLD HIM?!"

"I didn't... where did you hear that? I- I met him by accident when I was walking my Oppas' dogs. There's nothing going on."

"Choi Minsung, I know you're afraid to tell us the truth, but if you do not give us the facts, I'm afraid we cannot keep you in this company."

"I AM telling you the truth! Who told you that I've been sneaking out?!"

"The source isn't important. Just tell us what you've been telling him."

"NOTHING! This is a LIE! Okay, so the picture's real, but nothing happened, alright? I just like his dog! Is there something wrong with that?!" I had no idea why this had happened to me, but they weren't giving me the chance to explain, and I hated it when people did that. If you've already made your own conclusions about what happened, then why did you even bother to ask me to explain myself?

"Answer the question, Minsung," Snow Leopard Lady purred calmly.

I took a deep breath. "I will. Once I explain. Is that alright? I'm doing my best to answer your questions, but it's hard to do that when I don't really understand the question. I'm going to tell you what I know. You can choose to believe me or not, but this is allI can tell you."

Surprisingly, they stayed quiet, anticipating my words, although all looking ready to burst out at any second. Still, it was an opportunity, so I started speaking.

"I work as the housekeeper at the Super Junior dorms. As part of my duties, I help take care of their pets, especially when the members are away in other countries. With the dogs, this entails making sure they get excersize. I walk their dogs- Choco, Caocao, and Gongju- regularly. I go to the same park every time, because it's nearby. The members are all aware of this. Manager Kim said that it was alright. In this park, I met Yoochun-sunbae, also walking a dog. I like big dogs, so I started talking to him. Most people around here don't like big dogs, so they keep their distance. We don't really talk about anything but dogs. I want to answer your questions, but I don't know what I did wrong."

 It was easy to tell that Snow Leopard Lady was in charge, despite all the people in the room. She was steely calm, as usual, while everyone else seethed around her. "Choi Minsung, you are aware that Park Yoochun was once an artist under this company?"

"Yes."

"You are also resentful of SM for 'causing' Super Junior's Hankyung to sue the company and leave his group, similar to how Junsu, Yoochun, and Jaejoong did?"

"...Yes." They knew? They knew I hated them for that?

"Yet you do not understand why we would be suspicious of your intentions behind meeting with Park Yoochun. Come now, I know you are not so foolish as that."

I could see where she got that conclusion, but still...

"I haven't told him anything he doesn't already know. Just things that any fangirl knows. If the company doesn't trust me, I can make sure I don't meet up with him again. But whatever you've been told, it's a lie. I don't know who sent this picture, but they clearly only told you what they thought would incriminate me."

"How do we know that you're not the one lying, to try to avoid punishment?" One of the other, red-faced directors asked.

I was practically ready to cry. But no-- I was NOT going to cry. Not this time. "I don't have any proof, that's true. You don't have to believe me. I apologize for creating such a stir. That's all I can do, if you've decided I'm guilty. But I'm telling you, you're overreacting to a rumor."

Perhaps that last line was a little overboard. In fact, I could see the rage exploding on faces. Good job, Mel. You were doing good, up until your stupid little mouth.

Fortunately I was rescued. "She's telling the truth." A woman, who'd been quiet this entire time, stepped out from the corner, a hard line. Lee-sunsaengnim.

She ignored the multitude of arguement, answering only a single question. "Minsung is a terrible liar. Anyone who's ever spent any time at all with her could tell you that. Perhaps you should question your own source. They've gotten quite the reaction they desired. Besides, Minsung is well-known for being crazy about her Super Junior sunbaes. It's obvious, at least to me, that during her time with Lee Sungmin, she wouldn't even consider a relationship outside of Super Junior. Even considering anything else seems a bit ridiculous. If you think I'm wrong, feel free to fire me. I hear that JYP is paying well for Korean language tutors. If you do, though, you'll be left with Minsung here to teach everyone Korean."

The room went quiet. I wanted to jump up and give Sunsaengnim a hug. I loved her soooo much. She was the greatest teacher EVER! 

Snow Leopard Lady was the first to speak. "Alright, Lee-sunsaeng. You make a good point. trainee Minsung, we thank you for your cooperation. However, we'll be asking you to leave your job at the Super Junior dorm."

"No! Please! I need this job! I was starving before I got a job! I've done everything I can to take care of the dorm! Haven't I been doing my job?" Of course, the real reason was because I absolutely loved working there, and the thought of no longer being able to go there was heart-wrenching. 

"What else would you have us do? We can't just let this slide. you were, after all, chatting, when you were supposed to be doing your job."

"Deduct my pay, just don't fire me, PLEASE!"

"Fine. You may continue working there. However, I cannot guarantee that, when the exhibition comes around, that this event won't be in consideration. Now please go, Choi Minsung. You'll need the practice."

I got up, bowed to the many people in the office, then began to leave. 

"Oh, and Minsung? Do try your best. We can only keep a certain amount of trainees, you know."

I bowed to her again, then swept out through the door.

I heard whispers as I went around the company. Spy. Thief. Always knew she was up to something. Just fricking lovely. 

I got the attention of the nearest whisperer, determined to get to the bottom of this. "Hey, did you hear that rumor about me? People were saying that I was cheating on Sungmin-oppa! Isn't that RIDICULOUS?! I mean, why would I cheat on Sungmin-oppa? He's Lee Sungmin. Just the idea is ridiculous."

The girl exchanged nervous glances with her friend. "Y-yeah, ridiculous."

"I wonder who saw me with Yoochun-sunbae? TOTALLY got the wrong idea. Do you know?"

"I-I don't know."

"Well, you were just talking about it, so I thought you'd know." I could tell I was making them nervous, but I was a bit sick of this crap. Of course, if I was as direct and concise about it as I wanted to be, they'd just confirm their beliefs that I was a crazy bi-atch. Maybe they'd think that anyway. I was up to there with caring.

"We don't really know. We just heard it from Jin Soo."

Jin Soo heard it from Ah Young. Ah Young heard it from Jae Ri. Jae Ri heard it from So Hee, who heard it from Baek Ki. And Baek Ki heard it from...

I don't even have to say it, do I?

Fortunately, Min Hee is AMAZINGLY good at spreading rumors. Like, SCARY good. It didn't take too long before the rumor that I had broken up with Sungmin because I hated his snoring (not entirely true, but much more close to the truth than the previous rumor), had taken over the company. Things went back to near normal. I didn't take revenge on Lily, as much as I wanted to. It just all fit into my secret profile of her. I'd let it all out someday. But now was not the time. i would have to beat her, fair and square. There was no other way about it. If she was going to victimize me using cheap, unfair ways, then I would just have to beat her the proper way. Rules and all. 

With the exhibition impending doom, it was nice to have a nice break, and celebrate the Fishy-Mochi birthday. Donghae and Henry's birthdays were so close together, they only had one birthday party, after Donghae's. Of course, they started complaining because I only made one cake, no matter how much I argued that it was a BIG cake, and difficult to make. 

"Henry! Stop asking for a separate cake from Donghae and open your stupid present!" I shouted, stopping him in the act of trying to convince Ryeowook to try to make him a cake.

"But... Meeeeeeeeel... I wanted chocolate frosting..."

"Maybe next year. I had to compromise, okay! And stop looking at me like that! You look too damn cute!" Henry's aegyo wasn't as good as Sungmin's, but he could be pretty darn adorable when he wanted to. "Henry, if you don't cut that out right now, I'm not making anything for you. Now open your present!"

He complied quickly, ripping the paper off of the box. He opened it, taking out the present. "And from Mel, we have... 'housekeeping 101'?"

"So you can take care of that pigsty you call a dorm!" I claimed, pushing him over. When The rest of the member started laughing, I narrowed my eyes at Zhou Mi. "hey, that means you, too! It takes two to make a mess that bad!"

This only made the rest of them laugh harder. Henry threw the book at Donghae's head, and basic chaos ensued. I waited, until, in the small fight that was going on, someone knocked over a glass, that landed on my notebook.

Last straw. Order had to be maintained.

It took only a few moments to pop Henry in the back of the head, yank him out of the fray, smack Siwon in the to move him out of the way (and I'd always wanted to do that), push my way between Eunhyuk and Donghae (and who knows what was going on there), elbow Kangin in the ribs (he was the one who knocked over the drink), kick Kyuhyun for laughing at the general execution, and finally grab ahold of my notebook and dry it off. When I turned around, everyone was docilely sitting back where they had been.

"That's better. Now, Donghae-oppa, open your present." 

Making a face, he pulled the bag towards himself and pulled out the tissue paper. Sungmin grabbed it and put it on his face, then blew it into the air. It floated back down, before One of the other members blew it back into the air. Of course, it didn't take too long before it was a full-blown game. Dorks. 

Meanwhile, Donghae was appraising the usual ELF notebook, and the second present, something from just me. "Suweedishi fishi?"

"Oh dear god, Donghae-oppa, have you been taking my English lessons seriously at all? They're called "Swedish Fish." I know you don't usually like sweets, but I couldn't help myself."

"Oh, I get it. Thank you, Minsung." He put his arms out for a hug, which, as you know, I am always happy to give.

But then I was intercepted! Henry got in the way, yelling "NOOOOO! SHE'S MIIIIINE!!!!!!" before pulling me to the floor. 

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Minsung-ah, don't take the Lord's name in vain!" Siwon commented, while I was being tickled in the stomach by Henry, causing the others to gain interest, and try to tickle me as well. I squirmed away, trying not to laugh, but already being breathless from it. "I... can... take... the... lord's... name... in vain... if I want!" I gasped between peals of girly laughter. I am soooo ticklish. "He's not my lord, after all."

Siwon made a face at me, but was quickly distracted by Eunhyuk, poking him in the belly to see if he was ticklish, too.

"Hyung, Sistar went blonde!" Kyuhyun called out from behind his computer screen.

It didn't take very long for a bunch of guys to crowd around the computer, pushing each other to get a better look.

"I think they look better with black hair," Sungmin commented, "it suits them better. They are very pretty Koreans."

"Then you have Minsung, here, the typical blonde-hair-blue-eyes Westerner," Kangin added, before going back to the picture. The others nodded.

"Um, you guys? My eyes aren't blue." 

Suddenly they all were looking up at me. "What do you mean?! Your eyes are definitely blue!"

"Um, no. My eyes are gray, thank you very much."

They clambered back towards me, getting ridiculously close to my face. My glasses were off of my face in a second, disappearing in the mix of men's eyes, only inches from my own skin.

"Omo, her eyes really ARE gray!" Ryeowook remarked, his own brown eyes huge.

"Wow. I never noticed! I could have SWORN they were blue!" Kyuhyun claimed, pushing Ryeowook aside so he himself could get awkwardly close.

"There's more than two different eye colors, Hyung," Henry snorted, feeling self-important.

"Ummmm.... guys? Not that I don't appreciate the admiration, but... TOO CLOSE."

They fell back in a ring, and I felt my muscles relax. My face was red, I knew it. 

"Minsung, you should take off your glasses more often! Your eyes are pretty!" Eunhyuk cried, not helping the red face problem. 

"O...okay. Sure." I gulped. "If Oppa says so." I looked around the room, trying to distinguish blurs of color as individual people. "Oppa... who has my glasses? I can't see."

"I'm not giving them back! Minsung looks prettier without them!" I heard Donghae yell.

"Ya! give them back! I'm practically blind without my glasses!" I got up and went in the direction of his voice, squinting to distinguish between Donghae and Sungmin. He started running away.

"Ya! Oppa! Seriously, give them back!" I caught up to him, then grabbed both of his hands and held them up in front of my face. "YA! Where are my glasses!" I saw him smirk, then I turned and glared at the other members. "Who has them?!"

I saw Heechul's lips twitch. I ran after him, ran into Eunhyuk, then snatched them from Heechul's hands, just to find out that they were, in fact, just sunglasses. "YA! This isn't funny!"

After a frustrating several minutes of chasing after laughing boys, I finally was able to pin Henry to the ground before he could pass my glasses off to Zhou Mi. I triumphantly put them back on my face, then took them off, grumbling about fingerprints on the lenses.

Although I would never admit it, it was kind of fun to chase after them like that. Especially because I had to get REALLY close in order to see their expressions. Okay, so I always had fun when I was with them. It's a weakness.

Eventually the party had to end, and the various members had to go to their individual dorms. I gave Henry and Donghae one last birthday hug (waiting for Henry to be on the other side of the room before I gave Donghae his), surprised when I couldn't get out of Donghae's arms. "O-oppa... let me go..." I stammered.

"Minsung-ah, I wish you'd ask us for help more often. We hate seeing you struggle."

I couldn't help but wrap my arms back around his midsection and squeeze as hard as I could. "Silly Fishy. Don't you know? You're ALWAYS helping me."

He let go, and I left the dorm as quickly as I could, so he wouldn't hear my heartbeat begin to race.