The stage quieted, and I gathered my strength, that confidence that I was known for. We had the opening performance, us FASE girls. We had to make the judges so amazed that they'd be thinking about us for the rest of the night. Starting with a Katy Perry medly.

We filed onstage, all ten of us, filling the stage space, arranging ourselves into the right positions.

The lights came on, starting with the only rapper in the group. We'd composed the song together, driving the people at SM absolutely nuts with how long it had taken. We all froze in a semicircle around Amber as she rapped.

Welcome to the danger zone,
Step into the fantasy,
You and I invited to the other side of sanity...

Quiet, and then an echo, Jacklyn and Em singing carefully so the words resounded around the music, something they did repeatedly through the song.

"I'm wide awake...
I'm wide awake..."

Ali was an alto, hitting notes I totally couldn't. She added to the building of the mix, the sassiness of it, the dance very simple, lights low, centered on her.

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything...

Then Ice Queen Jessica, with her high-pitched voice.

"We used to be
just like twins,
so in-sync.
The same energy,
Now's a dead battery.

Eliz, with her high vibrato, a trill of a voice.

Used to laugh 'bout nothing,
now you're plain bo-oring.
I should know
that you're not gonna cha-a-ange..." (I'm wide awake... I'm wide awake)

Tiffany, blasting the notes through the whole theater, making the audience really start to scream.

"I got the eye of the tiger,
a fighter,
dancing through the fire,
'Cause I am a champion,
and you're gonna hear me roooooaaar,
louder, louder than a lion,
'cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me rooooooaaaar..."

The Jung sisters, fading one song into another.

"O-oh oh-oh oh-oh-oh...
ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah-ah...
I-I I-I-I I-I~"

Then, finally, my part. The girls split, leaving me in the center of the stage, focusing on my energetic choreography, grinning ear-to-ear.

"I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT,
The taste of her cherry chapstick.
I kissed a girl and I liked it,
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it...
It felt so wrong,
It felt so right,
don't mean I'm in love tonight.
I kissed a girl and I liked it... I liked it..."

Finally Rstory together as a group, all blasting one of our favorite American songs at the top of their lungs, smiling, feeding off each other's energy, starting with Jacklyn, not a difficult note, but one she had to sing as loud as she could.

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHH...

(Rstory Girls)'Cause you're hot then you're cold,
you're yes then you're no,
You're in then you're out,
you're up then you're down,
You're wrong when it's right,
It's black and it's white,
We fight, we break up,
we kiss, we make u-up~"

The group broke, leaving Min Hee in the center while we danced, showing her incredible vocal power,

"'CAUSE BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK!
Come on show 'em what you're worth!
Make 'em go 'aah, aah, ahh'
As you shoot across the sky-y-y...

Then Jacklyn and Em joined Min Hee, overpowering the audience's screams.

Baby, you're a firework!
Come on let your colors burst!
Make 'em go 'aah aah aah'
You're gonna leave 'em going 'aah aah aah~!"

A small pause before the . Krystal singing a single verse, while we all tensed, waiting.

(Krystal)You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

 (I'm wide awake)

Everyone came in all at once, blended together just right, so that instead of the songs clashing, they built in power, coming to the of the medly.

Me, Jessica, and Eliz.

"'Cause you're hot then you're cold,
you're yes then you're no,
you're in then you're out, 
you're up then you're down..."

Ali, Tiffany, and Amber.

"I got the eye of the tiger,
a fighter,
dancing through the fire,
'cause I am a champion,
and you're gonna hear me rooooooaaar!"

Min Hee, Jacklyn, Em, and Krystal.

(Min Hee, J-Lin, Em, Krystal)"'Cause Baby you're a firework,
come on show 'em what you're worth.
Make 'em go 'aah aah aah',
As you shoot across the sky-y-y~!"

Everyone all at once, a powerhouse of female voices.

" 'CAUSE BABY YOU'RE A FIREWORK!
COME ON LET YOUR COLORS BURST!
MAKE 'EM GO 'AAH AAH AAH'
YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE 'EM GOIN' 'AAH AAH AAAAAAAAHHHH!

Boom! Boom Boom!
Even brighter than the moon, moon moon.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
EVEN BRIGHTER THAN THE MOON, MOON, MOON~!"

Thunderous applause while the music stopped, leaving us frozen in our end poses, our chests heaving. Standing ovation. I looked around at my companions, knowing that the show had only just begun.

The applause shook my bones, jarring my heart. I bowed, a genuine smile playing over my face again. 

When we went backstage, we all jumped together and squealed, while Psycho Club went onstage.

"That was totally awesome!" I shouted, and we all screamed, joined by the guys. They all nudged me, and I screamed with them, finding my happiness again. I had the right to be happy. So did everyone I cared about. 

As soon as we were told to hush, I went right to my new notebook and began writing like a woman possessed. I was happy, and I was writing. Now I just needed some extra courage.

 Proudly, I held up the new song, putting it into th handsof the person nearest by, who just happened to be Em. 

" 'Rainbow Stars', huh?" She shrugged, handing it back. "Congrats. 

"It's for SMTown. You wouldn't understand anyway, Em."

She shrugged. "My boyfriend's in SM."

Speaking of that, it was Kyu-Line's turn to go, right before the Rstory girls and I were going to go on and sing our "Rose" mash-up. since the guys had already performed their H.O.T medly while I was writing. We could hear Minho rapping, hear the audience screaming.

"How long are you going to torture him?"

She shrugged. "I think he likes it, honestly. I actually like him. He's funny, and weird. I'm just testing him."

The song ended, and she nudged me in the shoulder. "Come on, Queen Be. Time to go onstage."

Huge contrast between this and our previous performance. Min Hee played the piano for it, and Henry the violin, while my friends and I sang in double three-part harmony that would have made our choir instructor proud.

Well, their choir director. I only had to deal with Nakata-sensei. But I think she'd be proud, too.

We went back and forth between the two songs, and I was the one who got to do Lee Hi's rap part, and then we ended the song with a bow, a nice performance.

Psycho Club. Kyu-Line. Then us again, our fantastic dance performance to a techno thing the nice composers at SM had cooked up. Jacklyn and I both messed up, but thankfully Henry and AJ were there, spinning us around while making it look like it was on purpose. Lovely, lovely boys. No other comment.

Had it already been over an hour? So many songs, so many performances. You could tell that Kyu-Line was outnumbered, but other than that, they were keeping up just fine. Changmin and Kyuhyun blasted their songs, powerful notes to compare against any of ours. Meanwhile, there was Psycho Club, bigger than both groups, kicking our butts when it came to instruments, the whole guitar scene just crippling. 

On the other hand, we had the greatest dancers, and we had an overwhelming amount of perfect butts. That counted for something, right?

Just kidding.

Non-dance team, performing like the experts they were.

Finally, time for the evil plan for the We Got Married couple, the plan that KBS was well aware of.

The girls of Rstory and the boys of UBeat had all practiced the song, pretending they were doing it as a group. But then, when it came time to go onstage, they all pretended to forget stuff, running quickly backstage, telling the two to "go on without them, we'll be right back". Which, of course, never happened.

 "Somewhere out there...
Beneath the pale moonlight...
someone's thinking of me,
and loving me tonight..."

Aaaaawwwww... Eliz's voice was so pretty when she sang by herself. Even if she did look really lost and really flustered, stuck onstage with Kevin, who also had cheeks as red as tomatoes when he opened his mouth for their wonderful duet.

"Somewhere out there,
someone's saying a prayer,
that we'll find one another
in that great somewhere out there."

I confess, we'd chosen the song after much discussion, because it poked a bit at the whole "Global" thing, since they were from very different parts of the U.S, and then he went back to Korea, and she just happened to meet him there. It was like a storybook. Perfect.

"And even though I know how how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star..."

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullabye,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky..."

The way we'd practiced it, we'd even put harmony into this, but I think it sounded way better when they just sang it together as a pair.

"Somewhere out there,
If love can see us through,
then we'll be together,
Somewhere out there,
out where dreams
come true~"

Massive guitar solo. At this point, you'd never be able to tell that we'd trolled them. They were warmed up to the performance, completely involved in it, even actually looking at each other. That never happened. They actually met each other's gazes. The project was going better than the Rstory girls had hoped.

"And even though I know how very far apart we are,
it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star..."

"And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullabye,
it helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky~"

"Somewhere out there,
if love can see us through"

"If love can see us through~"

"Then we'll be together,
somewhere out there,
out where dreams
come true~"

I could cry. Okay, not really. I was feeling very satisfied with them. I couldn't take credit for much of it, since the initial idea had been Rstory's. All I had done was spread the word through FASE, and make the arrangements with KBS. Still, it was nice to see romance blossom. Whether it was real or not had yet to be determined, but it was heart-warming.

"You are all DEAD TO ME!"

Oops. She was backstage.

"You did that on purpose!" Eliz shouted, clenching the fabric of her dress in her hands. Her legs were shaking, something that hadn't been obvious from the video feed we'd been seeing. She'd been extremely nervous.

"Oh, come on! That was the best you've sung that song! EVER!" Jacklyn remarked, but shied away at the glare. Meanwhile, in the background, I saw AJ give Kevin a high-five.

I pretended I wasn't watching, seeing it all through the mirror, while the argument went on. My vision glazed. Somewhere out there, if love can see us through, then we'll be together, somewhere out there, out where dreams come true...

"Mel, was this your idea?!"

I snapped back into reality to shrug at Eliz. "Nope. I just thought it was a good idea. And seriously. Bonus points to FASE for a totally awesome duet."

She glared at me, then moved off, while I turned to wiggle my eyebrows at Em, who just snickered.

I got up from the mirror, shooing the guys out of the girls' dressing room. 

"Not that I care, but the staff will yell at me if you guys are in here while we change. Now out! Leave Eliz alone!"

They left, laughing. Ali made a face at me. "Why do they listen to you?!"

I thought about it. "I'm not sure. Personality?"

She rolled her eyes and threw my costume at me, telling me to hurry up and get dressed.

I had one arm around Tiffany's shoulder and the other clinging to Em's wrist while we went to the front of the stage to hear the judges' commentary. We'd somehow managed to get some pretty high names in Korean entertainment, once again, thanks to the cooperation of KBS. But I'd heard that the concert was one of the highest-grossing charity events so far that year.

Lee Hyori. Eric Mun from Shinhwa. Kang Miyoun. All smiling up at us.

"Well, you definitely work well as a team."

We laughed, waiting for more commentary.

"I was really amazed when the girls opened the show. It was just... wow. There was power in everything." Hyori clapped for us, and I squeezed Em's wrist, smiling.

"I can honestly say I enjoyed myself, too," Eric commented, and the audience laughed again. Obviously he was referring to the less professional aspects.

"Your youngest member is Queen Be, right?" Kang Miyoun asked, and Tiffany pushed me forward.

"Yes, that is me," I answered, cheeks pink.

"You have a nice variety of people in the team. You don't act like the maknae."

I thanked her, stepping back.

"No... actually, that was something interesting about this team. The others were mostly male with an occasional girl, but this one had a good mix of men and women," Hyori added.

"One thing I didn't see, though," Eric began, suddenly serious, "with the other teams, they wrote and composed a few of their own songs, but yours were all mixes and covers. With a few talented songwriters on your team, I was a bit disappointed to not have that."

My heart sank. I knew he was referring to me. 

"But overall, you guys were amazing. You really used everyone's talents in the best way possible, and it made for an interesting show. I hope the audiences vote for you!" Miyoun concluded, and we all bowed and went offstage, waiting for the results.

"Do you think we'll win?" AJ asked.

"Psycho club's guitar battle was pretty amazing, though," Hanbyul answered.

"Hey, we weren't so bad!" Ali argued.

"Kyuhyun's sister..." all Kris had to say, and everyone was like, "aaaaayyyyy..."

We laughed, listening to the results. We all formed a huddle, eighteen people holding onto the poster of the charity we were supporting, as we waited. It was a simple charity, dedicated to providing shelter to mentally disabled orphans. It was something near and dear to my heart, and everyone had gone along with it.

"Whoever wins, we gave a helluva performance today," I whispered, and I felt everyone tense. I saw Ali look at Hanbyul, Eliz look at Kevin, Jacklyn look at Aron, and I just nudged Em's shoulder, and we both looked at our feet.

That's the thing about best friends. You grow up always hanging out and going to each other's houses, but then you get busy and never have the time to see each other. But it doesn't matter, because you're best friends, and that doesn't change. You just understand each other.

In the next few weeks, I was pumping out songs like nothing else. My notebook filled, I spent long nights at my keyboard, only going to bed because KyuMin would come and meow at me.

I can't say I would have been able to maintain my sanity without my cat. It was subtle, but it meant everything to me. He would come and remind me to get up and go to bed, and then, when I was under the covers, he'd come and curl up in the hollow of my back, so I could go to sleep feeling his kitty warmth. 

It's easy to underestimate the value of animals. KyuMin didn't have to really do anything. He didn't need to talk to me. He didn't need to pat me on the head. He was just there. That was enough.

Every single night, after I had turned the lights off and KyuMin was comfortably settled next to me, I would sit, staring at my phone, Zhou Mi's contact information up on the screen, one button away from calling him. Asking how he is. Tell him about my day. Laugh and say weird things. 

But every night, I turned my phone off and put it on my nightstand

July. Less than a month away from summer SMTown in Seoul, before it moved onto other countries. Everyone was busy with practice. Everybody in the SMTown branch of FASE was so busy, we never met each other anymore.

Of course, it didn't help that I tried to avoid going to the company building at any and all costs. If I did, it was late at night, when a lot of the other idols had gone home, and there was no one left but the trainees. I looked at the blue sky panels of the practice room while I danced, losing myself in its fake promise of happy dreams.

Finally, I would exhaust myself, returning to my apartment so tired that I would collapse in bed and fall asleep instantly, sleeping long into the day.

Then I would hang out with the Wisconsin Girls, talking about old times, and new ones. About losing to Psycho Club for the charity concert, about beating Kyu-line. Sometimes Kevin would be there, and the WGM cameras. In those times, I would smile bigger than ever, while my insides decayed. I was rotting from my heart outwards, the hard shell of an idol the only thing keeping me from falling apart all over again.

My friends, my cat, and SuJu. Always, always SuJu. Those were the things that gave me the strength to keep the shell intact. Otherwise, I would just let my self-hate eat me alive. I wondered how it looked to him, that I was so fine after what I had done. 

I listened to Sungmin sing and play guitar when I could, or meet Eunhyuk and Donghae to buy candy. I would show up at the SuJu dorm and play with the dogs, sometimes cook spagghetti. But only if I knew there weren't going to be any guests showing up.

I went to Mokpo, visited the family I had stayed with, offering to clean their chicken pen again. I walked along the Han river, bicycling next to it at one in the morning with my friends, sitting in front of Namsan tower, eating ddukkboki and playing solitaire for five long hours, retracing my steps through Korea, all in only a few days.

I even sat down in a park and played my ukulele while singing, wondering if people would recognize me. Some did. Some didn't. Altogether, I got about 20,000 Won in three hours.

"Queen Be, right?"

The voice was familiar. I looked up, feeling a smile spread over my face. The face I thought had dropped off the earth.

"Well, what are the chances I just happen to run into Kim Kibum at the park?" I asked, trying to keep my feels contained. Not feelings. Feels. Fangirl feels.

"I've been busy," he answered, and I chuckled. "I see that."

"Aren't you everyone's favorite American now?"

I shrugged. "Idon't know about everyone's. Sometimes Ican make really rash decisions, then regret them. then not know how to take it back."

He nodded. "I know how that feels."

I laughed. "Sure you do."

"I do!"

I put my ukulele back in its case. "Let's pretend you do. What am I supposed to say? Kibum-oppa doesn't talk to the ELF much anymore. At this point, I know everything there is to know about SuJu. But compared to them, I know almost nothing about you. So for now, let's just say that you're telling the truth."

"I am."

"Alright, then, why are you here?"

"Taking a walk."

"Don't give me that bulls***."

"Ouch. You swear like Kangin!"

"You caught me on my downtime."

He leaned back on his hands. "Alright, fine. I was on my way to visit the dorms when I saw you here. I recognized you from TV. Aren't you the girl that was dating--?"

"-Yes," I replied, cutting off. "Was."

"Oh." He seemed at a loss for words. "What did he do?"

"Nothing."

"Then what did you do?"

"Nothing."

He was confused, and I laughed. "Don't worry about me, Kibum-oppa. The oppas have always been good to me. That's not changing anytime soon. I just need to stop being a coward and figure out what I'm going to do from here."

He nodded. "Want some help?"

I thought about it. "You know what would really help me?"

"I can't come back to Super Junior."

"Dangit! How do you know me so well, when you've only first met me?!"

"Isn't that what any ELF would say? You are still an ELF, right?"

Slowly, I nodded. "Of course. Forever and always."

"Thought so."

"But hey, Kibum-oppa, you know what you can help me with?"

"What is it?"

"In your dramas... do well. Be very successful. So that everyone knows your name. That would help me a lot."

He thought about it, then smiled. "Sure. I can do that."

"Great. Now go and visit my Oppas. I have to go feed my cat."

"No, no, it's 'hi-ela, hi-ela, hi-ela, hi-a-i-ya'," I said to Liyin, since we were in the practice room. "Don't worry about it. It's not actually Japanese, anyway. Just gibberish that Kajiura-sensei came up with."

Me, BoA, and Zhang Liyin, working on the collaboration we'd had in the works for months. Slightly daunting? Yes.

"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINSUUUUUUUUUUUUUNG-AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" the voice swooped into the practice room along with its owner, hair dyed a strawberry blonde with green streaks in the bangs.

"Key-sunbae, I'm working," I sighed, but turned to him anyway. "What do you want?"

"Fix?" he asked, holding out a jumbled piece of chain and wire that may have resembled a necklace.

"This is my first SMTown!"

He pouted, and I raised an eyebrow at him. "Try that on Ali or Eliz. Not going to work for me."

"Not even a little?"

"Not even a microscopic amount."

"Okay, something else. WHAT IS THIS STUFF?!" He held up a can of Mug root beer, seemingly fascinated with it. "It's fantastic!"

It was one of the cans Eliz had left outside my door. He must've snitched it.

"It's called root beer. Common in the United States and Canada. Not so popular in Korea, I'm afraid. Are you done now?"

"Have you always been this cranky?"

My eyes widened slightly, and I could see him notice his mistake. He quickly turned and walked out, and I went back to my two soloist Eonnis, forcing a small laugh. "Sorry about that. Should we get back to practice?"