I woke up when I started choking on fur. I pushed KyuMin off of my face, and he settled by my feet, rolling onto his side and purring.

I tried pulling the cat hairs off my tongue, glaring at him. Of all the places to sit, he has to sit on my face.

I rubbed my eyes, looking around. I wasn't on the couch, where I'd fallen asleep. Instead, I was under the comforter on my bed, as if I'd been there the whole time. Which, I know I hadn't. I had a pretty good idea of how I'd gotten there, but the thought of it made me pull the blanket over my head and kick my legs and squeal. KyuMin, of course, didn't take that too well, and immediately jumped off the bed to leave me to my giggle session.

I recovered quickly enough, then got up to make myself some breakfast. Normally I just ate cereal or something, but I had to get my mind off of the fact that for the next month, while I finished my musical and released and promoted my album, the SJ-M members would not be there to see it.

I forced the thoughts out of my mind, instead focusing on mixing the ingredients for pancake batter, and then digging bacon strips out of my refrigerator and setting them on the pan to fry. As I watched them to make sure they cooked correctly, I took the magnetic calendar that Tiffany had given me off the fridge and looked at what I had written.

Today was one of the B cast days, and so it was that day that had been chosen to film the music video, a session that was planned to go through the day, and then I would go back in the morning the next day. It promised to be a long day.

I put the calendar back onto the fridge and turned over the bacon, turning to get the plate down from the cupboard, almost tripping over KyuMin in the process.

"Dangit, cat! Out of the way!" I nudged him with my foot, trying to get him out of the kitchen, but he only flicked his tail at me and glanced at the bacon.

"No, you're not getting any. Brat."

He meowed and rubbed against my leg, and I couldn't help but reach down and pet him. "Such a naughty boy. You know, pretty soon it's just going to be you and me."

He meowed.

"I know, I know. And Jung Ah and Lela."

He purred, rubbing against my knuckles. I stood up and pulled the bacon off of the heat, then poured the pancake batter onto the griddle.

KyuMn jumped onto the counter, approaching the bacon. I quickly scooped him up and set him on the floor. "No. Bad kitty. Go take a nap or something." I said the words knowing he wouldn't listen. He was a cat, after all.

I munched on a piece of bacon as I overturned pancakes, pulled them off, and poured more batter. Then suddenly a thought occurred to me. I'd made the full recipe. The one my grandmother had designed to feed a family of at least ten. And I just had me and my cat.

I turned the heat off, then took the already cooked food into the fridge, so my cat couldn't get to it. I saved the rest for later, after I took a shower.

The reaction of the staff and crew when I arrived at the set with pancakes and bacon, ready to give out, was absolutely priceless. Pretty soon all of the food was gone, passed out between everyone. A lot of people either skipped breakfast that day, or generally never ate breakfast at all, and I felt pretty good about myself for bringing it.

"Well, you know. I got up early this morning, and I was bored," I responded to the multitude of thanks I was getting. Even the director seemed happy enough for the pancakes, and several people complimented me on my cooking skills. They couldn't imagine how long it takes to make all of it. "Not that long, really, once you get a good system going."

People were still eating when I got out of hair and makeup, costume on and ready for filming. It was slightly entertaining to take anything seriously when the director telling me what to do had his mouth full of pancakes and syrup.

Still, when work began, it began. For the first time in a while, my hair had been cut several inches, so it was only halfway down my back. That way it was easier for me to toss it. The outfit I wore was the result of the ideas that Lela had submitted to the company that I was endorsing, and the designs that the company had given. The end result was a violet crop top that curled around my shoulder, resulting in a single bell sleeve, decorated with blue swirls of glitter and rhinestones. On my other arm was a violet ribbon that wound its way down my arm, ending in a glove that matched the sleeve on the other arm. The shirt, dipped into a deep curve at the neckline, ended well before my belly button, and then the waistline of the skirt hung just low enough to show the curve of the bones in my hips.

The skirt I was wearing, too, wasn't meant for modesty. It was short in the front, getting longer as it flared around my legs, coming to a point on the bottom, just below my knees. But that was okay, for this concept. The whole point was for feminine confidence.

Lela had really outdone herself. And I still had three costume changes to go. This was just one of the dance outfits.

I took a brief glance at myself in the mirror, and then told the director I was ready. He cued the camera people, and the music began.

"One, two, three, four.
Wait-- what am I waiting for?

I'm not a china doll.
You don't need to treat me like I'm going to break.
If I acted like I can't stand up for myself,
then I'd just feel like a fake.

Beauty doesn't have to be fragile.
I'm still a girl with this power and quick mind
Does this lipstick and eyeshadow
Put my arms and legs in a bind?

I'm not ugly, not untouchable,
Don't get me wrong--
I'm just strong.

Strong enough to face
the toughest, darkest parts of the world
Not going to stay 'in a woman's place'
I've got things I have to do.
I'm not going to bow down and beg for love--
Not going to pretend for you.
If you expect me to beg and cry,
you won't last long
Because I'm...
Strong."

The director yelled "cut!" and the crew scattered. People came to mop my forehead where sweat ran down as a result of the powerful choreography I'd had to run several times already. But we were done with that outfit, at least, so I got a break from dancing while I changed outfits, and they broke down the set to use a different one.

The next ensemble was a set of black mock leather shorts, boots, and a black halter top, all accented with gold. A gold belt through the shorts. Gold lacing on the boots, gold ribboning through the collar and hem of the top, a gold chain and gold earrings. In addition to that was a black handkerchief tied around the bicep of my left arm. With my hair combed back into a wild ponytail, the effect was tough but feminine, exactly the concept I wanted. Lela was a genius.

"Queen Be? Can you come over here for a second?" the director asked. I complied, leaving the playback review of what we'd recorded so far.

"What is it, Shiljjang?"

"Is there something wrong, Queen Be? It took us a lot more takes than I expected to film that last chunk. The song's about confidence, which you usually have a lot of. But today, you don't seem quite as self-assured..."

As much as I didn't want to admit it, he was right. In a lot of ways, I believed in being tough, in knowing who I was, who I wanted to be, and not letting anyone tell me that I couldn't. I believed that I shouldn't have to submit to someone else's ideas, or agree to stereotypes, just because I was a woman. I believed that I could stand on my own. That it was my job to tell girls that they could. That they shouldn't just pick the first guy that comes by, because the man has the say. I wanted to go against it. I wanted to say that girls are strong enough to pick and choose, to say no whenever they feel that they're being used or abused.

But I didn't feel very strong. Not right then. I questioned the decisions I'd made, wondered if I was hurting people on accident. I'd hurt people before. There was no reason I wouldn't do it again, whether I knew it or not. And although I tried to act like I was certain of everything, I was shaken, knowing that the company had absolute power over the people I cared about.

No amount of pancakes and bacon could remove those thoughts from my mind, and I was stupid to think that they could.

"Queen Be? Queen Be, are you listening?"

I nodded, swallowing the bile in my throat. "I'm here, Shiljjang. I promise, I'll do better this time. But, um, could I get a minute or two? Just a small break. I need some time to get into character."

He frowned, then nodded. "They're still setting up the set, so you have until they're done."

I headed into the dressing room, collapsing into my chair, pressing my fingers into my temples. My thoughts were jumbled, and I was starting to question the lyrics to my own song. Did I have the right to tell girls these things? "Do as I say, not as I do?"

You have the right to pick and choose. You don't have to take the first man who confesses that he likes you, just because it's not supposed to be your job to make the first move.

But I hadn't just taken the first guy, right? Choi JiHoo. I'd nearly forgotten about him. Shows just how cruel and heartless I can be. He'd told me he'd liked me. He'd said that he liked how confident, how stubborn I was, where before I had thought I had the most undesirable personality in the world. And yet I had completely rejected him. I'd felt absolutely nothing for him.

Because in your world, only four things exist: your friends, your family, your art, and Super Junior.

That's what he'd said to me. And even when he backed me up against a wall and made me feel like the most horrible person on the planet, I had not lied to him. He was the first person to have confessed to me, yet I hadn't clung to him.

I really was strong. And stubborn, and very picky. I'd opened my horizons a bit after JiHoo had said those things to me, but they still hadn't changed much. My friends, my family, my art, and Super Junior. They weren't the only things that existed, but they were the only things that mattered to me. More now than ever before.

"Queen Be! Set's finished! Are you ready yet?"

I opened my eyes and stood up. "Yes, I'm ready!"

I took a deep breath and went back onto the set, ready to finish the choreography filming.

 "The world is too big and inviting
for me to stay in here and cook and clean
There's no man out there so perfect
that I'd love him over my dream.

Not going to bat my eyelashes and be treated like this
If you can't take the heat then go away.
If you're afraid of me then you don't deserve me.
Think of it what you may.

I'm not ugly, not untouchable.
Don't get me wrong--
I'm just strong.

Too strong to get taken easily
Too strong to wait for someone to rescue me
Too strong for delicacy and fragility
Too strong for the men who run scared.

If you still see the beauty in me,
If you think that you belong,
Then you'll have to be strong.

Strong enough to face
the toughest, darkest parts of the world,
tough enough to stay by my side.
Strong enough to fight it through
to love me as equals in the same fight,
because I'm on the same level as you.
If you can hold on as I shine,
you might last long
Because we're...
Strong."

I flopped backwards onto my bed after showering to get the ugly scent of my sweat off of me, absolutely exhausted. The second chunk of filming had gone much better than the first, but I still had to do the entire routine several times, especially considering I had to film the entire thing for all three languages. And it wasn't an easy dance. I knew that was my own fault, but it didn't make it any less draining.

Tomorrow would be the day we filmed the acting parts, with the dramatic lip-syncing and acting parts. The concept was a fairly cool one. Participating in a whole bunch of masculine activities, beating guys at their own game, so that they make ugly faces and run scared, but then I turn around and shrug and smile prettily. Hahaha. Total contrasts.

 KyuMin jumped onto the bed and curled into a ball next to my hip, purring lightly. Absentmindedly, I reached out and the top of his head, losing myself in the song that was playing its way through my mind.

The day that the music video was released, in a week, was the same day that I would start participating in music programs again. That first day was a B cast day. The day after that was the last day of Wicked. I didn't want it to be over. I wanted to stay with my best friend, stay on the stage together for as long as I could. I didn't want to go to Chile.

I gently crawled under the sheets so I wouldn't disturb KyuMin, and then turned the lights off, staring at the glowing blue stars on the ceiling until I fell asleep.

"Minsung! The music video is a huge success!" Jung Ah yelled as she came into my apartment a week later. I sat up in my bed, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"In which country?" I asked hoarsely. I hadn't had my morning tea to take the edge off of my voice yet.

"Not as much of a reaction from the Chinese audience as we'd hoped, but the amount of views on the Japanese version makes up for it. The response from Japan is way bigger than we expected. You're getting a ton of requests to hold promotions in Japan. EMI Japan is asking for a side contract for you when you promote there. Along with some others. Congratulations!"

She was out of breath, like she'd run the whole way there. I got out of bed, ignoring the chill that hit me as soon as I kicked the blankets off, and then went to my laptop as my water heated for tea.

I had e-mails galore, from company people, love calls from other companies, and congratulatory messages from my sunbaes. Checking out Twitter, I was humbled by the amount of my Sunbaes that had posted the link to my videos, asking people to go watch it.

I felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction when I read the critical reviews that the company had sent me. Especially the one from a male critic:

"Like almost every young American artist before her, it seems that Queen Be finds herself too old to maintain the sweet and energetic image that gave her initial success, leaving it behind in order to prove how "grown up" she is, of course by leaving behind modesty and turning and out of control. What exactly is the point of this song? What is she trying to accomplish with the video? Sometimes it seems she is saying that she is tough, and others it seems that she is saying she is beautiful. The two clash, and the video is chaotic. Women can't be tough and beautiful at the same time. You have to choose one, or it doesn't make sense."

There was more, too, about how I was ruining traditional values, and how bad of a girl I was, and that I was just a feminist who didn't understand how the world worked, and that I was teaching young girls bad things.

All of this just made me laugh. Of course he would say those things. The whole point of the song was to say that women had the power to toss traditional stereotypes out the window. That we had a place in the world, just like men do. It was no wonder that male critics would be indignant. He said exactly what I wanted him to.

The female critics, however, were full of praise, calling me "an inspiration for girls in the ever-changing world, teaching them self confidence and pride."

Was it wrong to feel slightly proud of myself? "Strong" was an enormous hit, and it had only been posted the previous night. It already had almost as many views as "Divide", and that had been around for almost a year.

On the other hand...

I wiped the sweat off my face, running off the stage after my performance. No one was there to greet me this time. Most of the SuJu members were gone. The only ones left were Kangin, Leeteuk, Heechul, Yesung and Shindong. Kangin was the only one present at the program, and that was because he was MCing.

I didn't know if I would win or not. It wasn't at the forefront of my mind. I was more focused on stretching out my limbs before I pulled a muscle. I couldn't afford to injure myself this early in promotion. I still had a long ways to go.

"Queen Be! They're announcing the winners soon!" one of the stagehands shouted into my dressing room. I stood up from my leg stretch, exhaling. I couldn't let myself get upset if I lost. I won a performance on Immortal Song, but that was it. My song got an explosive response, but there were much more experienced artists on that stage that day.

"It's between our Queen Be's 'Strong' and CNBlue's..."

Kangin's voice disappeared as blood flooded into my ears. I was in the top two? 

I bowed to my sunbaes in CNBlue, blushing when I waved to Minhyuk. Of course, I'd met them before (except for Jung Shin), but it was still overwhelming to be on the same level of them. With two very different songs, but still. They bowed back to me, and I felt like I was going to collapse any second.

"Wow, it was a really close vote, wasn't it, Kangin-shi?"

"Well, a lot of people are rooting for Queen Be. She's from our company, you know."

"Oh, right, right! I heard she's very close with the members of Super Junior. Is that right, Queen Be?"

I nodded, trying to stay calm. Yes, VERY close.

"Well, we'd better hurry up and announce it, then, shouldn't we?"

We all watched in anticipation as numbers flew by the screen. And then...

"Congratulations to CNBlue for their third win!"

I stepped back as the crowd cheered, feeling just a little bit disappointed, no matter how much I fought against it.

"Last day, ladies! Better put everything into it! I want to go out with a bang!" the director yelled when the cast met behind stage before going to get ready.

Everyone cheered, but the glance I sent to Min Hee was met by one just as crushing. This was our last performance. After that, I was headed into promotion schedules. I would be thoroughly exhausted by the time I arrived in Chile.

When we got to the dressing room, Min Hee was already fighting back tears. "Why do people love you so much?"

"What do you...?"

"All around the world. Here, China, Japan, the United States, and now Chile-- all of them want you. An American. So you're always leaving."

"I can't be that good, if I can't even win a music program," I pointed out.

"Just give it time," she answered. "I don't know when the next time I'm going to see you is. I feel like the gap between us just keeps getting bigger."

"Min Hee, we'll still be friends, okay? We can't know what the future holds. But even if I never come back to Korea, which I don't think will happen, I'll still be your friend, you dork. There may be dozens of people I hang out with, but only one of them was my roommate. So we have to stick together, Min Hee. You're my fellow rookie. I'll go crazy without someone my age to talk to."

She smiles, then chokes me in a hug. "You're daft, Mel. Absolutely daft. But I'm going to miss you."

I pat her on the back, steeling myself for what I knew would come next. "I'll miss you, too, Min Hee."

 "I'm limited...
Just look at me.
I'm limited...
And just look at you,
You can do all I couldn't do...
Glinda...
So now it's up to you...
for both of us,
Now it's up to you..."

Min Hee smiled sadly at me, clasping my hands in hers, and I could tell that she wasn't just acting. Who knew when the next time we saw each other would be? We were already heading in different directions. While she gained greater and greater popularity in Korea, my success led me elsewhere. This might be the last time we performed together.

 I let go of her hand, turning around so she wouldn't see my tears, even as I opened my mouth to sing.

"I've heard it said
that people come into our lives
for a reason,
bringing something we must learn--
and we are led
to those who help us most to grow
If we let them,
and we help them in return.
 

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true,
but I know I'm who I am today,
because I knew you..."

Slowly, I turned around to face her, watching the stars move as I sang. Worlds would turn and small things make big changes, but for the moment, it was just the two of us.

"Like a comet pulled from orbit
as it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better,
but, because I knew you...
I have been changed...
for good."

Min Hee smiled, and I know she fought back tears so that she wouldn't send streaks through her green makeup.

"It well may be
that we will never meet again
in this lifetime,
so let me say before we part--
so much of me
is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
like a handprint on my heart.

And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have re-written mine,
by being my friend.

Like a ship blown from its mooring
by a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better,
but, because I knew you..."

I smiled sadly, repeating her. "Because I knew you..."

"I have been changed for good."

She clasped my hands again, and as she looked at me, I saw her, once again, sitting on the bed in our old dorm, the walls stripped behind her, as she told me that she was leaving me behind.

"And just to clear the air,
I ask forgiveness
for the things I've done you blame me for."

"But then I guess, we know there's blame to share,
And none of it seems to matter anymore!"

time. And both of us knew it. Time to amaze the audience. One last time. We sang together, the words mixing together, joining together at the end.

"Like a comet pulled from orbit
as it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood..."

"Like a ship blown from its mooring
by a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a bird
in a wood."

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
...I do believe I have been changed for the better..."

It was just like old times. She sang the high notes. I sang the lower ones. We mixed together beautifully.

"And, because I knew you..."

"Because I knew you..."

"Because I knew you...

I have been changed...
For good..."

The audience roared, and we embraced each other. In the musical, Min Hee's character would fake her death, and I would never know it, forever mourning my best friend, knowing that I owed it to her to fix all of the horrible problems with our country, with the place that had scorned her, cursed her, and eventually killed her.

I didn't know which one of us was the wicked witch, and which one of us was the good fairy. I was the one who got cursed at and scorned, yet I was the one who had the responsibility of trying to change the place that had turned her away. She was the beautiful one, the perfect one, and I was the one that scared people away. I was the one who always tried to change things for the better, and only ended up making things worse.

There's no such thing as black and white, good or bad. I was the Wicked Witch, and I was Galinda, the Good Witch of the North. There's no such thing as a perfect role. But I knew that I would always remember myself as the girl in the pink dress, saying goodbye to her best friend once again.