It so turned out that "Strong" was a wild success in Korea as much as anywhere else, as soon as CNBlue was out of the way with their three consecutive wins on music shows. Their song was pretty good, I admit, and that first day, mine had just come out, so I couldn't beat myself up about it too much. Because after that first performance, my song rocketed up the charts. It held the top spot consecutively for several weeks, and I won the weekly programs for quite a while. I was enjoying success like never before.

Never underestimate the power of a songwriter. Seriously. If I didn't have the ability to write songs, I severely doubted that I would have had the value that SM had placed on me. If they would have let me in at all. 

As a songwriter, though, I actually had a fairly steady flow of income. When I wasn't promoting, I could write, and those songs could be sold to the company, or even to other companies, for extra cash.

For the moment, however, there was no time for songwriting. It seemed that there wasn't a single day that passed that I wasn't doing music programs, filming variety shows, doing magazine shoots, or working to make CFs for those other companies I worked for. It was exhausting work. 

"Queen Be, can you sign this for me?" someone asked, pulling my mind back into the task at hand which was a fansigning event. People actually stood in line, waiting to get my signature. 

"Oh, sure, of course!" I cheer, smiling. Another girl who doesn't realize how pretty she is. Just by looking at her, I could imagine the thoughts that ran through her head when she looked at herself in the mirror in the morning. A lot like the ones that still ran through mine. Chubby cheeks. Ugly smile. Weird eyelids. Too much belly fat. 

But that wasn't what I thought when I saw her. I thought she had lovely eyelashes, thick and luscious. I thought that she had really nice, clear skin and well-defined cheekbones. But those were neverthe partsof ourselves we see. We see the worst parts. We look at other people and admire their best traits, not evenknowing that we already posess them. A dash of blush and some eyeliner, and people would see how beautiful she was.

It was something I had learned about makeup, since I had become an idol. It wasn't about hiding the parts of your face that you didn't like. It was about bringing into greater focus the parts you did. So those parts were the things that people see. 

I smiled down at the album I was signing as I thought. We're not so different from each other. Fangirls, or even girls in general. Always our own worst critics. Only seeing the worst in ourselves, never imagining that there's anything good there until someone you care about says that there is. 

"Thank you so much, Queen Be!" she bowed, her cheeks pink, and I watched her politely turn and walk quickly away, being kind to the person in line behind her.

While she walked away, I remembered myself opening the box that I'd been given as a Christmas gift from Super Junior, holding the signed albums to my chest and crying because I was so happy. Happy that people so incredible and inspirational as Super Junior would write my name, would wish me good things. I knew that was enough to turn an entire life around. I hoped that, somehow, I was able to do the same thing for her as they had done for me.

"Queen Be, your songs are so good! What's your secret?!" One girl asked me as she entered in line.

"My secret?" I bit back a smile. Tall. Beautiful smile. Chinese. Only child. Slightly dorky. "I just write about the things I care about." True, of course, but not enough detail to get me in trouble.

"Do you think I could be a songwriter?" she asked, turning bright red.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. Not everyone can write."

She pulled a rumpled set of papers from her pocket, holding them out with shaking hands. "I, um, wrote this. If you want to read it..."

I took it from her, smiling. "Of course. You can never guarantee anything, but who knows? You could have the next big SNSD hit. You never can tell." 

She walked away with such a big smile on her face, I felt like all the soreness in my hand had melted away, despite the enormous amount of merchandise I had already signed. Knowing that I really had the power to make people happier about themselves gave me more endurance than I could ever describe. 

I slid a little pink pill down my throat, looking up at Jung Ah. "I have a break?"

Jung Ah took the cup of water from me and nodded. "Yes. They're giving you the day to relax. Since your schedule has been so stressful lately."

"But... SM never gives breaks. I mean, look at SHINee! They finish promoting for one comeback, just to go to Japan and promote for another one!"

"Yes, well, they're more careful with you."

I frowned. "I've never gotten that impression." 

"Why else would they organize your birth control perscription?" she quipped, indicating the bottle in my hand. I slipped the pill case into my purse, considering.

"I imagined that it was because when those times of the month come, I'm so incapacitated that I can't do my work."

"Exactly. Most everyone else has to either just deal with it, or pay for it themselves."

I thought about it. Jung Ah was probably right, but it was never something I'd spent much time on. "Well, I suppose, it can't be because they're afraid I'll get pregnant. Not that we rule that out as a possibility."

She rolled her eyes. "You're more valuable to them than you think, Minsung."

"Oh, believe me, eonni, I know exactly how valuable I am. I've written almost a dozen hits, three of which were massive successes even outside Korea. People know me for being a writer as much as being a performer. There are lots of companies that would like to use a song I wrote, because it will increase publicity. I know that SM can only contract me for singing, dancing, and acting. Songwriting is something I have the choice of who to give to. If I chose to give it to the highest bidder, they could lose quite a bit..."

"Sound a bit more modest," she huffed.

I bit my lip. "Sorry. It's true, though. I know they don't keep me because I'm such a fantastic dancer. And if they really wanted a power vocal, they'd make Taeyeon-eonni have a solo release. I'm an actress and a songwriter. That's the only thing that makes me valuable. I know my strengths and weaknesses."

She shrugs. "Done with your pill?" she asks, holding out my jacket.

"Yup. I'm a regular addict. A real innocence-destroyer. Wonder what's next? My ity?"

"Please don't even joke about that," Jung Ah scolded, and I tried not to laugh.

"Why not?!" I asked, but I was still laughing.

Jung Ah found it less than amusing. "You have tomorrow off. Then it's on a plane to Japan. Understand? They want you to make 'Grown Up' into a music video."

I nodded, then saluted her. "Yes, ma'am!"

"And that means go to sleep, do you hear me?! I don't want you to stay up videochatting with Zhou Mi or playing video games again!"

"WHAT?! But I was having an online tournament against Kyuhyun! I was even winning, until you came in and ruined my focus!"

She glared, and I consented. "Okay, okay, fine. But can you blame me? I feel deprived! Jung Ah, I need Kyuhyun-oppa to pick on me. I need Henry to kidnap me and make everything feel awkward, and for me to pick on. I need Sungmin-oppa to cheer me up when I feel depressed. And I need... I need... hugs and fingers in my hair, I need to speak and know that I'm being heard, I need to see that smile and know that everything I do is okay! I need him to tell me that I'm worth something. Because I can never seem to make myself believe it on my own."

I gasped for breath, only then realizing that I'd been talking so quickly that my Korean had faded into English, and my chest was starting to hurt.

Jung Ah sighed, sitting down on the arm of the couch next to me while I took several deep breaths, trying to calm myself down before I started crying.

Jung Ah patted me on the shoulders, unsure of whether or not she should hug me. "It's okay. You miss them. I know. But it's only been a few weeks..."

"You know, before you find something good, you're always perfectly satisfied without it. But then you get so attached to it that when you don't have it, you want to scream. Like my mp3 player. When I was a kid, I was able to get through my chores just fine without it. But once I had it, I got so used to being able to listen to music whenever I wanted that when it broke, I didn't even know what to do with myself until I got a new one. I don't think this is any different. Before I had any idea of a relationship, I was perfectly content without it. But now that I know, now that I've actually felt it, it feels like Hell when he's gone."

Jung Ah patted my shoulders again. "You'll be fine."

I shook my head. "I feel like a robot, going through the motions. It's like a drug. If you never touch it, then you never feel its effects, don't get addicted. But once you touch it once, you only want more. And if someone takes it away, you feel sick."

Jung Ah rolled her eyes and stood up. "Oh please. You're not addicted. Why don't you take your vacation and hang out with a friend or something? I know Henry's in China, but you know, you do have other friends."

I flopped backwards on the couch, which KyuMin took as a perfect opportunity to jump onto the cushions and use my belly as his pillow, kneading his paws into the flesh over my stomach.

"Right. I have other friends." Jung Ah was right, of course. I'd poured myself so far into promotions that I had disappeared from any real social life. Hanging out with some of my friends would be a good way to blow off some extra steam. It wouldn't fill the void, but it would certainly help. Besides, I needed to see them a few times before I went off to Chile, where I would have no one at all. Best to take advantage of what I have while I still have it.

Jung Ah walked out of the apartment while I held a speed dial on my phone and my cats head.

"Hey, Tiffany? Are you busy tomorrow? I'm getting a free day tomorrow, but if I stay by myself I'm going to go crazy."

I listened to her chatter for a bit. "Sure, just you and me. Huh? Oh, I was on SuKiRa today. Filling in for Wookie. Yeah. Actually, I was planning on getting my hair dyed tomorrow. If you want to come with and see how it goes."

"Okay, sure. See ya!"

Tiffany seemed to be enjoying her fudge cake, while I was happy with some ddukkbokki. Nice, fatty Korean food. We walked down the street, holding our warm desserts close, while we headed to the salon.

She paused on the sidewalk, on her fork while she looked into one of the windows of the stores. I stopped, following her gaze to see what store it was.

"So many diamonds..." she muttered, and I looked at them and shrugged.

"I don't know. They're okay, I guess."

"They're diamonds! How could you say they're just okay?!"

I stepped closer to the glass, looking in. "I don't know. I just like color too much to really appreciate a colorless diamond."

She frowned at me, looking back at the jewelry store, before moving on.

Tiffany sat in the seat next to me, getting her own hair styled while mine was dyed with black streaks. It was a longer process than I initially imagined it to be, and while the process went on, we chatted. Not really anything worth mentioning. Just... stuff. What it's going to be like in Chile. Our families back home. Comparing high schools in Wisconsin and California. 

But I think that's what makes friends friends. It really doesn't matter what we were talking about. It just felt nice to have someone to talk to. Someone you can get in heated discussions with, and don't have to be afraid that they're going to forget about you, just because they don't agree with you. There were other things to talk about, but neither of us were going to mention it in public. We knew better.

Finally the hair colorist deemed my coloring job well done enough to see, so I got out of my chair as I let her pull my hair out of its clips and spill down my shoulders. 

I looked at it, arranging the waves around my neck. "What do you think, Tiff? Should I have gone with purple? Or red?"

She stepped around me, analyzing. "No, I think the black looks good. It's semi-permanent, right?"

"Of course. I had my roots re-dyed, too. Since the black doesn't go quite as well with my actual hair color."

"Sure. Well, I think we're good! Thank you!" she said to her stylist, smiling. "I think she looks great. It's to remind Chile that you're Queen Be, right?"

I grinned. "Exactly."

The next day, before I knew it, I was headed to Japan, the ache in my chest only growing as I left more and more of the people I knew behind. Everyone. Except Jung Ah, Lela, and KyuMin, in his cat carrier at my feet. My phone's reception wouldn't work, up in the airplane. I pulled my laptop out, setting it on my lap and putting my headphones in, opening up the videos I'd had saved on my computer, analyzing my previous performances. 

If I focused too much on the people that I wouldn't see for a while, then I knew I wouldn't be able to do my job very well. So I needed to focus my attention on my job. I watched the dance moves, noticed every mistake, listened for every moment that I didn't quite hit the right note, correcting them in my head.

Before long, I was asleep.

 I didn't wake up until Jung Ah was prodding me awake, and my computer's battery had shut off, leaving me in silence. I sat up, looking around. "Are we in Japan yet?"

She nodded. "They just announced to prepare for landing."

"Great." I slid my laptop back into my carry-on bag, looking out the window. The rocky ground of Japan was approaching, hardly looking as appealing as the tourism guides said it did. Of course, those guides were made for the summer times. And this was winter. For the moment, it looked dismal and uninviting, and I wanted to go home.

Weird. For most of my life, going to Japan was a dream. There were things I wanted to see, a culture I wanted to experience. But for the moment, it had lost its appeal. I would only be there a few days, anyway.

I got to the airport, unsurprised at the large crowd that greeted me. None of them actually there for me, of course. Just traveling.

Busy. That's the only way I can describe Japan. Even more than New York, everyone had somewhere to go, something to do. There was not a single person just standing and chatting, just waiting. Even when they were waiting for a flight, they were on their computers, typing rapidly, or purchasing food. 

Unlike the greeting I'd received when I'd returned to Korea from the United States, it felt like I was completely unknown in Japan. There were no teenage girls holding black and gold signs. There were no love-struck boys. I made my way through the airport without security guards to help me.

It was a good reminder, honestly. That with every country I went to, I had a completely different start. The Japanese version of my music video may have gotten a lot of views and raving reports, but I was still a rookie actress and singer, virtually unknown compared to famous, successful artists in Japan.

I had to catch up to BoA. She was Korean, yet so wildly popular in Japan that even Japanese people forgot that she wasn't Japanese. It would be a long way before I was able to become that successful, but it was a goal to aim for. So that some day I could have a concert in Tokyo Dome, with the gold lights waving in an ocean, just like Super Show 4.

"AIYA! Kankokuno Queen Be desune?!"

I froze, spinning to look at the girl that had squeaked my name. She was small, abouut the same height as me, and in her early high school years, from the look of her, though it was hard to tell with Asians. "Watashi?" I asked, pointing to myself. "Hai, Queen Be dayo. Fan desuka?"

Her eyes widened, and she dug in her bag for a piece of paper. She held it out with two hands, bowing her head, bashfully asking, "Sign-wo kudasai."

I smiled, unable to keep it in, and put KyuMin's carrier down so I could sign the paper. "Arigatou gozaimasu."

She grinned widely, then ran off. 

So apparently I wasn't completely unknown. But that's all it takes. One fan. It only took one fan to remind me that I didn't become an artist for my own enjoyment. The whole point of being an artist was to make people smile. And I wanted to make as many people smile as possible. Japan was a new frontier for me, so I needed to do the best I could.

I did fairly well in Japan, I must say. While Jung Ah and Lela seemed fairly confused with just about everything despite the translator we had hired, I felt pretty confident about getting around. I wasn't perfect, by any means, but my lessons with Nakata-sensei had fairly well prepared me for Japan. In no time we were leaving the airport with all of our luggage, and in a taxi, heading to the hotel.

We arrived at the hotel in mid-afternoon, and Lela immediately went to take a nap, while Jung Ah tried to verify our schedule in Japan. The woman never stopped working, even when everyone else was taking a break. I gave her credit for that. Sometimes I forgot that she wasn't much older than me, because of how completely down to earth she was. It was a lot different from the way shed been when we were both trainees. But I guess that's what happens when you become a manager. It was my job to screw around, and her job to make sure I didn't screw around too much.

I went right away to my room, plugging my laptop into the outlet, and letting it charge. And then I flopped down on my bed, plugging in a number. I held the phone to my ear, praying that it would be answered.

"I was beginning to wonder if you'd forgotten about me," said the voice on the other side.

I smiled, feeling the tension in my shoulders relax. "Don't even say that. Don't EVEN say that."

"Are you okay? Did you have a hard time in Japan? You are in Japan, right?"

"Yes, Mimi. Actually, I feel pretty fantastic. I totally got this multi-lingual stuff. But I did get some of those 'Oh no it's an American' glares. But I told them that I was Canadian, and they let it go right away, especially when I started speaking Japanese."

"But you're not Canadian," he pointed out.

"They don't know that," I giggled, then listened to the sound of his laughter. Then I calmed down again, closing my eyes. "What about you? Are you okay in Beijing? Or is it Hong Kong?"

"I'm fine. It's a lot easier here, actually. You know my Korean isn't that good."

I grinned, even though he couldn't see it. "I know. And I'm not even there to help you. Darn."

"You're going to be gone for half a year," he blurted, sudden enough for me to open my eyes.

"I am. But don't worry. I won't forget about you. I don't know if that's even possible."

"It is. A lot of other people do."

"Don't say that! Besides, I'm not like other people. You should know that by now. I'm really weird. I throw standards out the window and pretend I know what I'm doing when I really have no idea. Have I ever really looked like I know what I'm doing?"

"I can name a few times."

I felt my cheeks go red. "Now see here, you..."

He laughed, and then I heard yelling in the background. Before I knew it, the language I was hearing had switched. "Meeeeeeeellllllllll!!!!!"

"Henry! Give the phone back to Mimi! I did not call so I could talk to you!"

"But, but, but, do you not want to talk to me?!" I could practically hear him pouting.

"No! If I wanted to talk to you, then I would have called you!"

"Mel, Zhou Mi can't cook. Ryeowook isn't here."

"Then make your own food," I answered crossly. 

"But I can't cook, either!"

"What do you expect me to do about it?! I'm in Japan! Make your own food!"

I heard snickering in the background, and I suddenly got very suspicious of what was going on. "Henry, am I on speaker phone?!"

More laughter. "HENRY! How many people are listening?!"

"I am soooooooo bored."

"I swear, when I get back to Korea, I am going to beat the crap out of ALL of you. That means you, Lee Hyukjae! Don't think I can't tell it's you that's laughing! Give the phone back to Zhou Mi!"

"Can't," said a voice that sounded distinctly like Kyuhyun. "We stole his phone, and then we locked him out of the dorm."

"What?! Oppa, that's mean!"

"We wanted to ask you some things."

"Oh, please no." Not if they're questions that you would push Mimi out of the room for.

"You're not going to ditch him, right?" asked Sungmin. "I mean, I hear Latino men are very good-looking..."

"I'm in JAPAN! How many times do I have to say that?! And I'll be going to China after this. So just wait until I get there... What kind of person do you think I am, anyway?! Do you think there's a man in Chile good enough to compare against ANY of you guys?!"

"Okay, good. We just wanted to make sure. Oh, and if you're in Japan, can you bring me something?" Henry asked.

I rolled my eyes, holding in the laughter. "Let me guess. Shoes."

"YES! There's this one store..."

Eventually they gave Zhou Mi his phone back, but only after asking me some really awkward questions that I'd really not like to repeat. But that's SuJu for you. 

"I'm sorry about that," he said, sounding slightly out of breath.

"Don't be. I know they're tricky like that."

"Are you really coming to China after Japan?"

"Hong Kong. To promote for 'Strong'. Just for a week. Then it's away to South America."

"We're working on a new comeback for Super Junior-M."

"I know. I'm excited. First dibs on an album. I'm serious."

"You don't sound serious."

"I am. I want to hear my oppas' beautiful voices."

"It's nice to hear yours."

"I'm sorry I didn't call earlier. It's been chaos. Just... everything. KyuMin is so stressed, I think he's ready to claw someone's face off. And he's usually so mild-mannered..."

"Of course, you start talking about your cat."

"I love my cat!"

He laughed again. It was nice to talk to him, some things that were important, some not. I didn't really have anything I wanted to tell him. I just wanted to hear his voice. Before everything, I always just ran into him in the hallways. I always saw him. After a while, I started to look forward to those moments. Just to see him smile.

The phone call only deepened the hole I was feeling. It was great to talk to him, and even the rest of the members, but he wasn't there with me. It wasn't the first time I'd wished that I wasn't a solo artist. That I wished that I could go back to my trainee days, back when I was just part of a team, with Jung Ah, Min Hee, SoHee and Kwon Mei. Back then, we worked together, we leaned on each other. We were the trainee girls, part of a whole. When it was just me, just one Queen Be, I had all of the responsibility.

Unfortunately, international calls are expensive, and I had to go to sleep before Jung Ah yelled at me again.

"When I get to China, I swear, I'll go see you. They can't stop me. It'sbad for PR," I declared.

"You really know how to manipulate them, don't you?" 

"Well, you know. That's the good thing about being a smart person. I can figure things out to my advantage. I know exactly how far I can go in order to reach you. Do you understand me? It doesn't matter what SM does, they cannot keep me away. I love you, goddammit. They can't make me let go THAT easily."

My first job in Japan was to make a very strange, but fun video for "Growing Up". The song was fun and upbeat, about a girl who, when she was a kid, couldn't wait to get older, but when she actually reaches her teenage years, wants to do nothing but be a kid again.

Thus, following Jpop tradition, the music video was full of bright colors, and there was a wonderful scene where I got to put my black-streaked hair into pigtails and sit on a swing. Bonus: no dancing. I could be weird and dorky, and not have to worry about any consequences, since being energetic and fun was the whole point. 

I'd written the song after a discussion with Emily over the internet about how hard it is to be an adult, and how we both sometimes wished that we could go back to our childhood, when we had naptime during the school days, when we had recess between classes, and when we would compete against each other for how high we could get on the swings without people giving us weird looks. 

Thus, the song was born. I'd decided to write it in Japanese, because it seemed to be a Jpop-like song. So it worked out.

After the music video was filmed, I had a brief fanmeeting and a variety show interview, all in one day, and then I was being packed onto a plane, ready to head to China. Yes, I was going to Hong Kong. And nothing was going to stop me.