The plane ride from Seoul to Beijing was absurdly quiet, considering that it was Yesung's first flight with the group since he'd returned in May. He wouldn't be joining the concert, but it had been decided that he would practice with the group while they were on tour, so he could join when he was ready.

For now, though, it was quiet on the plane for most of the way. We were all tired. Many of the guys fell asleep within the first half hour of the flight, to include Yesung. That's what happens with exhausting schedules. When finally you have a few hours where not only do you have the opportunity to not do anything, but actually can't do anything... you sleep. 

But for me, although I felt tired, I couldn't sleep. Jung Ah, in the seat next to me, was resting with her head on a pillow against the back of the chair, fast asleep. But me- I was awake, staring at a blank page in my notebook. I felt like my creative spirit was there, wanting to say something, but I just couldn't understand what it was trying to say, like it was speaking in some foreign language. 

I wondered what I was thinking about. Going home? Going somewhere I'd never been before? No. Of course not. That's too selfless. Of course, I was thinking about my delusions of love. No, not for now. I needed to forget about that. I needed to think about myself. My career. The tour- it was all business. After all, why did I ever think it would work, anyway? They were too old for me. All of them. I needed to let go. Find someone my own age. I needed to focus. Focus. Forget it all. It's just in my way.

I set the pen down on the paper, then carefully scrawled the word in slow lines of Hangeul onto the page. "Focus ".

"What is this nightmare
that distracts my thoughts in the waking world?
Push it from my thoughts,
push it from my life.

It's in my way.
It's distracting me from my goals.
I need to... I need to...
forget that part of myself.

Focus.

Once upon a time
that part of me
was my favorite part of myself.
but now she's in the way.
In my own way-
go away.
I don't need it anymore.

There's no use for love.
It's not important.
Maybe sometime in the future,
when you find a way to sort out your own life.

Keeping my eyes straight forward,
I ignore the past and watch the steps I take in the present,
looking towards the future.
Everything else is just white noise-

Focus.

Once upon a time,
that part of me
was my favorite part of myself.
But now she's in my way.
In my own way-
go away.
I don't need her anymore.

Focus, focus
Love is not important
if you lose yourself in the process.
You need to be the strong one,
when your greatest enemy is your own heart.
But your mind has the power,
not your heart.

Focus.

When I'd finished writing the song, I looked up from my notebook to glance around the plane's cabin. Most of the members were asleep by this time, even Kyuhyun, whose laptop appeared to have been gently taken away from him when he fell asleep, by his seat partner, Leeteuk. But both of them were asleep.

The only other person awake was Henry, who seemed to be concentrating very hard on a video he was watching on his phone.

I bit my lip. I couldn't really blame Henry for my own distractions. Really, all he'd ever done was try to help me. And he'd though that pairing me with someone would help me. But I'd been angry at myself, and I'd taken it out on him. I owed him an apology.

Carefully stepping over Jung Ah, with my blanket still tucked around my shoulders, I carefully tip-toed over to Henry's seat, then curled into the seat next to him.

He looked up from his video- a performance video of SJ-M, it looked like- seeming surprised, and a bit scared, that I was sitting there. 

I reached over and hugged him, holding on as tightly as I could. This seemed to startle him even more.

"What're you...?"

"-I'm sorry!"

I looked down at me like I was crazy, then laughed quietly and put his arm around my shoulder, blanket and all, and hugged me tighter. "I'm glad you know it."

I unwrapped my arms from his shoulders, but stayed curled against him. "Henry, am I pathetic?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, looking back at the video on his phone.

I looked forward, letting my eyes wander off into space as I talked. "I know you only wanted to help me. And I thank you for that. Thank you for trying to help me get what you think I want. But I'm stopping. I need to stop clinging. If I keep this up, people will just see Queen Be as a part of Super Junior. I need to be Queen Be for the sake of myself. Up until now, I've been ELF Queen first, and Queen Be second. I can't do that. I still love the ELF, and I'll still always be ELF Queen, but from now on... the fangirl has to go away. It's just me. I need to get my priorities sorted out. And now my first priority has to be my fans. After all, I came to Korea so I could help my Oppas. And I can't even do that properly. I wanted to stop what happened to Han Geng at SM from ever happening to any of you, ever again. Yet I've been absorbed in myself. That's why I wonder... am I pathetic?"

Henry pulled the blanket from around my shoulders, and rolled it into a ball. "Were you planning on going back to your seat?"

"Not really. Answer the question."

"I don't want to. It's a stupid question."

"You're avoiding it."

"Yes, I am."

"Fine, then, answer a different question. Do you want me to stop relying on you?"

"Not really." He draped the blanket over the two of us, leaning back in his chair. "As long as it's JUST me. Now that I think about it, giving you away to one of the other members made me feel a bit y. Nobody ever seemed good enough."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Well NOW you're starting to sound like a real older brother." I continued to lean against him, happy for the warmth. It was getting cold on the plane, now that everyone was sitting still. "I'm relaxing my grip. I'm giving up on romance, but you're my family. It's different."

When the plane landed in the Beijing airport, I felt utterly exhausted. Jet lag was partially to blame, I was sure. But either way, I was eager to go to the hotel and sleep for an entire day. I needed the rest. I'd been officially released from my leg brace a week previously, but after adjusting to putting my weight on a single leg, the other one felt weak, and I got exhausted quickly.

 I followed Jung Ah off the plane, and then struggled behind the members to get through the crowd in the airport. People were there by the thousands, I was pretty sure. It was a wonder when we finally made it into the parking lot, where our two vehicles were waiting.

I started walking with Jung Ah to the van on the left, then felt my hand being snatched, and suddenly I was being jerked in the other direction. "Ya! Let go of me! I need to go to the hotel, and sleep!"

"Could you please go to the hotel without her?" I heard Heechul say to Jung Ah. "We'll be there in a few hours."

"Eonni! I'm being kidnapped! Heechul-oppa, let me go!"

I was still being dragged to the SuJu van, as much as I struggled to get away. Jung Ah, for her own part, looked uncomfortable. "Queen Be really needs some rest..."

"She'll be fine. We'll take care of her, we promise!"

"How is this taking good care of me?! Let me go!"

Before I knew it, I was being shoved into the van, and we were speeding off down Beijing streets, whether I wanted to or not.

"WHERE ARE WE GOING?!" I yelled, glaring as fiercely as I could at Heechul, while the streets of Beijing whizzed by us. 

"Dumplings!" Henry cheered, causing the rest of the guys to cheer happily in response.

"Dumplings?! Seriously, we've JUST arrived in a country I've never been to before, and you kidnap me before I can crash in bed to recover from jet lag, just because you're hungry?!"

"But they're very special dumplings," Donghae said, then cowered a little when I turned the ice glare to him instead of Heechul. 

"You'll see when we get there, alright?" Heechul added. "Believe me, you're going to like it."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I just want to go to sleep."

"After we have dumplings."

"I usually love you guys, but I think you've crossed the line just a little bit here."

"It'll be fine. Trust us, it's a good thing!" Ryeowook squeaked, turning around in his seat.

I sat back, crossing my arms glumly. "If this surprise isn't ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, I swear I'm going to kill you all."

"Even me?!" Sungmin asked.

I hesitated. "Maybe not you. But everyone else!"

Sure enough, the van pulled up to a dumpling restaurant, and when the doors opened, we all spilled out, although Kangin practically had to hold me up, I was so tired. My eyes were swimming with all of the sights of the city. Signs over doorways beckoned in brightly colored Pinyin letters, making my head hurt as I tried to read them. I still wasn't very literate in Mandarin.

But I didn't get much time to try to read the signs, because the members were pushing me forward, towards the restaurant. But when we got up to the door, I turned around, glaring at them. "You guys, we can't even go in! They're closed!"

"We know. We have a special invitation. See? The lights are on, and..." Heechul opened the door, then gestured inside, "the door's open."

Grudgingly, I stepped inside, looking around the restaurant. It was cozy enough, I supposed, but I wouldn't really knew. It was slightly pitiful that my first experience in China was to go to some dumpling restaurant. 

"Mama Han! We're here!" I heard Zhou Mi yell.

An older woman came out from the back of the restaurant, smiling at us. She seemed nice, with crinkles around her eyes, and busy hands covered in dough. "Oh, you're here! I was wondering!" 

She spoke in Chinese, and I was happy that Zhou Mi, Victoria, and Liyin had been teaching me Chinese, because although I still wasn't very literate, I could understand Mandarin just fine.

"Mama Han, we're hungry!" Henry complained, holding his stomach. "We just got off the plane ride... it was soooo long!"

I him, my eyes huge. "Henry! How do you talk to someone like that?!" I turned back to the woman, speaking in careful mandarin. "I'm sorry, Ma'am, he didn't mean any insult... and here you're still serving, at this hour..."

She smiled down at me, talking to Henry, since the other members seemed more interested in sitting down at the tables and making shapes out of the napkins, probably because they didn't really understand Chinese. "Oh my, she's so polite! You must be the friend the boys said they were bringing. Queen Be, right? Don't worry about them- I know these boys very well. They're my son's friends."

She turned to Zhou Mi. "You all just sit down. I'll get you guys some food, alright?"

She disappeared into the kitchen, then shouted something to someone in the back, but I didn't catch what she said.

"You're her son's friends?" I asked Zhou Mi.

He shrugged, trying and failing to contain an excited smile. "Sure. Her son. Haven't you figured it out yet?"

My mind spun. I was too tired to be thinking. But even still, my mind began whirling. That's the thing about being smart. Once you get a problem, you can't help but try to figure it out.

Dumplings. Very special dumplings.  Mama Han. My son's friends. Trust us, it's a good thing. Mama Han. Mama Han. Mama Han. Mama Han.

Han. Han. Han.

Oh my God.

"Hey, you're all here!"

I whipped around, responding to the sound of the voice. And there he was. I couldn't even believe it. I couldn't think of anything to do, anything to say. He was... It was...

"Hankyung-ah, this is Queen Be. That girl we told you about. She's the one who did the video for your birthday. It was her idea," Heechul said, in Korean.

I stood up, to bow, then suddenly wasn't sure if I could. As soon as I was out of the chair, my knees buckled, and I fell to the ground.

"Oh my god... oh my god..." I gulped, then tried to start breathing again. I was going to start crying, I knew it.

And then I stood up and hugged him. If he thought it was weird, I didn't care. I'm American. I could get away with things like this.

He looked down at me, surprised, and frozen, as if he had no idea what to do.

I stepped back, looking up at him with misty eyes. "Thank you."

He seemed taken aback. "For what?"

"For giving me a reason to come to Asia. I guess... thank you for working so hard, even though you didn't get anything out of it. I don't think I'd be where I am if I wasn't able to look up to Han Geng. I'm sorry, this must be awkward, because you don't even know me..."

He smiled, and I was on the verge of collapsing again. "No, thank you. I didn't think any of the ELF still supported me. And I thought it was forbidden at the company to even talk about me..." I simply adored his Korean. I always had. He had a tendency to stumble over words, and had a delightful accent, neither of which had gotten any better from being away from Korea for so long. It was adorable, and I loved it.

I grinned. "It is. But I'm going to change that. Someday. I don't think it's fair for you to be outlawed from Korea for something that SM did wrong."

He looked over at the other guys. "I like this girl."

I blushed. "I'm glad for that. I try, you know. I'm an ELF and a Gengfan. But I'm also Queen Be."

He guided me towards one of the tables, and I sat down across from him, next to Henry. Always, always, next to Henry. "I'm sorry you had to come when it was so empty," he said to me, stumbling over his words.

"It's okay; I understand. Fame and everything. And if you're uncomfortable talking in Korean, it's okay... you can talk to me in Mandarin. I'm not perfect, but I mostly understand it."

He looked at me, wide-eyed. "You speak Mandarin?" It didn't take much for him to slip into his native language.

"Mostly. Henry, and Mimi- I mean, Zhou Mi," I quickly corrected myself, "and Song Qian and Zhang Liyin all taught me. I'm not fluent, but it's good enough, I think."

Han Geng started laughing. "And you're American?"

"Yes, why?"

"That's impressive, really... you speak much better Chinese than I do Korean, and I was learning it for three years!"

"I had good teachers," I reply, blushing at Zhou Mi. "They were very stubborn. I guess you could say they made it their personal challenge to teach me Chinese."

"So it was your idea to make that video?"

"It was!" Zhou Mi cut in, "Niuwang was planning that video for years, and then she convinced us all to participate, and then after it was posted on the SMTown Youtube channel, she got in such big trouble that they kicked her out of the main dorm, so she started invading ours instead."

My cheeks turned an even deeper shade of red. "Shut up, Mimi!"

Han Geng looked confused. "Mimi? Niuwang?" His eyes trailed back and forth between the two of us, as if he was figuring something out.

"It's a nickname! I'm a fangirl, so I call them by their nicknames without even thinking about it, and Mimi- I mean, Zhou Mi- he calls me 'Niuwang because it's a Chinese nickname for 'Queen Be'. Just a nickname!"

Han Geng still looked suspicious.

"Isn't she adorable?!" Heechul asked, sitting down next to us. "She's like our pet. She follows us around, and lets us give her food, and-"

"If anyone's the pet, it's you. I mean, how many times have I had to make you food, clean up your messes, apologize for your actions..."

Heechul laughed. "That reminds me of that time..."

It didn't take long for me to feel like a complete outsider. Soon enough, they were all talking about old times, and laughing about things that happened, exchanging stories. I felt really awkward and out of place. It was like Heechul had a breath of fresh air after being underwater for a long time. He seemed a lot happier, a lot brighter there, talking with Han Geng. Like the cloud hanging over him was completely gone.

When Mrs. Han delivered the steaming bowls of dumplings and soups, I ate quietly, having to fight to make my way into the conversations. Only occasionally would I be able to add something, when the members would talk about events over the past year. 

It was humbling, really. A reminder to myself that they had friends I didn't, connections I hadn't made yet. They not only weren't rookies... they had actually been around for quite a while.

Eventually I stepped outside, sitting by myself on the curb to get a breath of fresh air. It had felt stifling in the restaurant. The smell of Beijing, though, made me miss Seoul. I'd never liked the smell of cities, and where Seoul's air was fairly refreshing and clean, Beijing's was harsh and oppressive.

"Why are you sitting out here by yourself?" It was Mrs. Han, standing in the doorway.

I forced a smile. "Getting some air. You know, while the boys catch up."

She smiled, leaving the doorway to come sit next to me. "Thank you for what you've done for my son. And his friends. Even if it doesn't feel like you've done anything, you have. He has a very harsh schedule... he doesn't get to come home very often. But on his birthday, it was nice to see him come to me with a smile on his face, completely shocked at what he found on his birthday. 'Ma, Ma, I have to show you something!' " she laughed, her eyes crinkling at the corners. "He looked just like a little kid."

I smiled to myself, trying to picture it. "I feel happy for being here, really. But I feel... I don't know... separate. With the members, I felt like they were my friends. But with Han Geng now... I feel like just another fangirl." I hugged my knees to my chest, trying not to hate myself. 

"It's alright, dear. It can be hard to really know someone whose entire life is split in half. I hope you'll forgive them."

I smiled lightly, happy she was there. "I do. I always do. I don't blame them. I blame myself."

She smiled, then stood up, holding her hand out for me. "Come on back inside. They're asking for you."

"For me?"

"They want you to show him your notebook."

"My notebook?" I went inside, clutching my purse (which held my notebook), in my hands. 

"She's back! Minsung-ah, didn't you write a song for Han Geng?" Heechul asked.

"What? No, I... that was a LONG time ago! How do you remember...?"

"I read it a long time ago, when you left it behind in the vocal training room. Well, show it to him, Minimin!"

"Minimin?" Han Geng asked, looking thoroughly confused. "How many nicknames do you have?!" He asked me.

"A lot. Here, it's the song," I said, opening to the right page and holding it out to him. "It's in English, though..."

"You're the one who wrote 'Paper Wall', right?" Han Geng asked, looking up at me. 

"I am."

"Well, then, this one can't be too bad. Do you mind if I keep it?"

I felt my mouth fall open, but I couldn't shut it. "You mean... of course! Sure! I hope you like it... it's a bit embarassing..."

"So you write a lot of songs?"

"I guess so. I do a lot at SM, though. Acting, singing, songwriting... I get in trouble a lot, though..."

I should have known. If there was one thing I could talk with all of the guys with, it was music and acting. 

It seemed too soon when we had to leave the restaurant, our bellies full with Mrs. Han's dumplings. But Han Geng had a schedule the next day, and I really had to go to bed. The excitement of meeting Han Geng had awoken me for a little while, but now I was fading back into the almost-drunk exhaustion I'd had before we'd arrived.

I was the last aside from Heechul to leave the restaurant, and while the rest of the members piled into the van, I sat on the curb to wait for them. I didn't want to leave just yet. 

When finally Han Geng and Heechul came out, I could see the huge way Heechul was smiling. I felt happy for him. He had his arm around his best friend's shoulders, and they were laughing about something. 

I stood up, brushing dirt off of my pants. Heechul looked up. "Oh, you waited!"

I nodded. "I didn't feel like getting in the car with a bunch of smelly men just yet."

"Well, Minimin, we have to go soon.  See you some other time, okay, Hankyung? Don't forget, just because she speaks Chinese and I don't doesn't make her any less MINE." He threw something into the van before he got in, and I heard swearing. I laughed, then turned to Han Geng.

"I assume he's talking about me. But I'm not his. I'm not anybody's."

Han Geng laughed. "He's Heechul. Everything is his."

I chuckled a little, then bit my lip, trying to pick out my words. "I was definitely surprised. Thank you for meeting with them. And me. But mostly them. I can't think of the last time I saw any of them so happy. Being all together like that, it was... well, thank you. And I hope you succeed in your career. Whatever happens."

He smiled, then patted me on the head. "Don't worry about it. It was fun. And hey, if you ever promote in China, ask me for help, alright? That is, if it doesn't get you in trouble with SM."

I felt the smile spread across my face. "You don't have to help me; I'm fine. But if you're still okay with a visit occassionally, I'm happy to oblidge, whether SM wants me to or not. I think seeing you helped remind me of that goal. I'm still here to make trouble for them."

"Just don't hate me."

I looked at him incredulously. "I couldn't do that. Any more than I can hate Sungmin for being cute or hate Henry for having big cheeks. Like it or not, Han Geng, you were a member of SuJu once, and that makes you a member still, and the ELF will treat you the same way they always did. I can't really count myself as an ELF that much, now that I'm Queen Be, but... I still think the same way. So I trust you. And I hope you're happy."

I stepped away, then pumped my fist into the air. "Jia You, Han Geng!"

He laughed, and then I climbed into the van, waving at him through the blackened windows. I wouldn't see him again for a long time, but at least the last I saw of him was his smile.