"Minsung-ah, are you alright?" Ryeowook sat at the piano, eyeing me with sweet concern.

I shook my head. "I feel like I betrayed my family a little bit."

"When they told you to delete your blog and Facebook?"

I nodded. "It feels like being here is pulling me away from them, and I'm letting it. But as soon as the CEO told me that I had to delete them, or I had to stop being friends with idols... I just did it. I did EXACTLY what I was told, because I can't stand the thought of staying away from you all." I plopped down on the bench next to him and leaned onto the piano, instead of leaning on his shoulder like I really wanted to do.. "I don't know who I am anymore. The me before all of this would have struggled and fought like a shark on a fishing line."

He patted me on the head. "I'm sure they understand, Minsung. If they didn't, it would be really sad. So just concentrate on the song, okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah, you're right, Oppa. This is our last practice before the real thing, right?"

"Yes. So come on, Minsung, up you go." He pushed me off the piano bench gently.

I stood, laughing a little. "Okay, okay, fine. You start."

He shrugged, lifting the piano cover and beginning to play. I watched him for a little while, watching his fingers dance over the keys. I loved watching him play piano. He always got the peaceful look on his face, yet he seemed to be concentrating so hard. Henry could play piano really well, too, but it wasn't quite the same as Wookie. With Henry, I was more entranced by the violin. 

Ryeowook didn't have beautiful hands. In fact, they were bony and a bit gnarly, but when his long, thin fingers played over the keys, it looked like magic.

"Minsung? Why are you staring?"

I shook my head violently, breaking my trance. "I-I'm sorry. I just love watching you play piano."

"Minsung-ah, the performance is tomorrow!" he scolded.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry. Start over?" I suggested, turning around to face the direction the audience would be the next day, mostly so I wouldn't be tempted to watch Ryeowook.

"Okay, now pay attention this time!"

The auditorium in SM was a hive of activity. SM's main staff-- managers, producers, CEOs, oh my!-- was all gathered, and in the air was this buzz of apprehension. Cameras moved about, ready to film videos of our performances, ready to be released when our debuts approached. If they approached. and they were also useful for giving us a video feed of what was going on onstage.

Backstage was even worse. It seemed like everyone was nervous. At least one girl had run to the bathroom to throw up, and plenty others were hyperventilating. The guys pretended to be calm, but I could see their chests heaving, their hands shaking. Can't fool these eyes. 

Even Min Hee seemed nervous. She kept looking around at our competitiors, biting her lip or commenting on people's outfits.

In our little corner, Min Hee, Tiffany, Ryeowook and I were playing cards. I guess the only trainee who wasn't really feeling nervous was me. Sure, I was filled with apprehension, but for some reason, knowing that Ryeowook would be on stage there with me made me feel completely confident. I didn't have to win. Just do well. Besides, whether or not the people at SM knew it, the song I would be singing fit my feelings perfectly. I could convey it.

"I raise Minsung two hundred Won." Tiffany challenged. Some of the other trainees were giving us dirty looks. 

"I fold. My hand ." I flopped my cards down, laughing. 

"Ryeowook-sunbae, your poker face ." Min Hee joked, throwing two more coins in the center. 

He laughed. "Okay, I fold. Just you and Tiffany, Min Hee."

We would never find out who won, because then one of the directors came in. "First performance in two minutes. Seohyun, Yun Jin, that means you."

I had to admit, my heart jumped into my throat. I'd be up soon enough.

We cleaned up the card game, knowing that we'd be too focused on watching performances to play anymore. I smoothed out my lovely black dress, then sat back against the wall, looking at the screen. 

The auditorium quieted when Seohyun sat down at the piano. Her partner, a twelve-year-old boy, held his microphone with a deathgrip. Awww, he was so cute!

It was an old Korean song; not one I knew. Seohyun was a very lovely pianist, adding to his not-quite-developed voice quite well. But Ryeowook was better. It may just be bias, but I don't form biases for no reason, right?

They finished their performance, and the audience clapped. In moments, Min Hee was patting my hand. 

"See you later, Mel. Wish me luck!"

I smiled. "Break a leg, Min Hee."

She and Tiffany disappeared around the curtain, appearing on the screen. Tiffany had her flute, that lovely silver instrument. Min Hee was beautiful, I realized. I'd known she was pretty, but in a white-and-light-green dress, she looked quite lovely. It set off her shiny black hair and fine, gentle features quite nicely.

She nodded to Tiffany, who lifted the flute to her lips and started to play. And then Min Hee opened .

I couldn't believe the sound that was coming from . High-pitched, spot-on, and clear as a bell's chime. It was classical music, I realized. Almost operatic. I'd had no idea she was such a wonderful soprano. Her voice went with the flute so well, it was like they were in the same key. And... was she singing in French?!

Ryeowook must have seen my expression, because he squeezed my hand. "Don't worry, Minsung. you'll do fine."

Min Hee was my best friend. She was also my greatest competition.

She ended her song on the most unbelieveable high note, I could tell even the music teachers were impressed. She went over and took Tiffany's hand, and they bowed together. They waited for the applause to die out, then came back into the backstage room.

"That was awesome, Min Hee!" I heard a few of the other trainees comment. "You have an amazing voice!"

They sat back down next to us. "Wow, I'm glad it's over!" Min Hee whispered, flopping over on her back. "I was so nervous; it feels like the sky just got taken off my shoulders!"

I felt my heart twist in a dark direction. My voice wasn't that beautiful. I couldn't hit those kinds of notes, and she could. Min Hee. If she didn't make it as an artist, nobody would.

I closed my eyes, knowing that if I kept thinking like that, seeing everyone else's performances would crush the confidence out of me, and I would falter. Letting it out, I let myself fall back into Ryeowook, leaning against him. My Oppa. 

I felt him tense, then relax. He actually wasn't very comfortable to lean on, as bony as he was, but the feeling of him being there helped to clear the darkness out of my thoughts. Feeling better, I opened my eyes.

I'd completely missed the last performance. feeling bad, I watched the rest attentively, repeatedly reminding myself that I hadn't practiced my song a thousand times for nothing. I couldn't be envious of every performance. 

Still, no one was as good as Min Hee. 

The girl that was Jungmo's partner went up on stage. I heard the first few guitar rifts, and my mouth dropped open.

"Santana?! She's performing a song by Carlos Santana?! But Santana is REALLY hard! I mean, Jungmo's good, but is he really THAT good?!"

It was one of my favorites-- "Game of Love". It turned out that I shouldn't have been so much in awe. Jungmo played the song perfectly. And the girl had a nice, cool style, smiling at the camera and moving around the stage with the microphone. Yet I recognized her as the girl who had run to the bathroom to throw up. It's amazing how much being on stage can affect your nerves.

She finished, and I watched the rest of the performances with interest. One of the girls that had been hyperventilating completely froze, and her partner had to restart. I watched Siwon, Kyuhyun, and Sungmin's partner performances with meticulous care, unsurprised that they had picked good, reliable partners. None of them froze up, and although their voices weren't as perfect as Min Hee's, they were still nice, and didn't make any noticeable mistakes. I wasn't sure how Siwon and his partner managed to pull of the Christian rock, but they did, and quite well. 

It was our turn. I stood up, holding my hand out to Ryeowook. He took it, letting me help him to his feet.

"Are you ready, Minsung?"

I nodded. "As long as I'm with Oppa, I'm ready for anything." It applied to any of my Oppas, really, but Ryeowook was no exception. 

He sat down at the grand piano, lifting up the cover. I stayed in the background, making sure that nobody saw me yet, for effect. The piano intro for this song was quite long, giving the audience enough time to wonder when I would start singing. 

I listened for my entrance, stepping forward as I started to sing, stepping into the spotlight, letting the light wash over me.

"Under your spell again...
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand--
I can't say no to you." 

SM had taken control of me. They had the power to take away the Super Junior members, and because of that, I was completely under their spell. I would do almost anything they wanted. Especially when I was finally starting to feel like I might just have the ability to make it in this hard, tough world. Amy Lee, please give me the strength to sing your song. 

Shouldn't let you talk to me so sweetly,
Now I... can't let go of this dream,
I can't breathe but I feel...
Good... enough...
For you.

 Drink up sweet decadence.
I... can't say no... to you.
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind--
I can't say no to you!

I felt the tears come to my eyes.  SM had done this to me. I loved it, but I hated them for it. Somehow, I had chosen the perfect song.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely,
Now I... can't let go of this dream
Can't believe
That I feel good... enough.

I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain
To fall...
Pouring life down on me.

'Cause I can't hold on--
To anything this good,
and now,
Am I good... enough,
For you... to love me too? 

I let out a breathy scream, the pain that I felt escaping into the music. Having this chance-- being on stage with Ryeowook-- felt good, but what was I giving up in order to have it?

So take care
What you ask of me.
'Cause I... can't say no.

"Good Enough", by Evanescence. It was one of my favorite songs, and I had initially chosen it because of the piano intro, and its suitability for my vocal range. Not because of how it had fit my thoughts. 

Why was there no applause? Had I messed up? Did they not understand? Did they hate it?

I looked at Ryeowook, who smiled at me. "Bow", he mouthed.

I did, and the applause came, like a roar in my ears. It was so much different from when I had played the ukulele for Sungmin. Somehow, this felt like a gust of wind washing over me. 

He stood up, took his own bow, then held out his hand for me. Suddenly shy, I gently took it, and we bowed together. With the audience still applauding, we went offstage, still joined at the wrist.

Waiting was the worst part. Waiting for the performances to be over, waiting for the people in charge to reach a decision, waiting, waiting, waiting. My stomach was twisting in very undesirable directions, and I clung to Ryeowook, wishing it could all just be over. 

Finally the director came backstage again, telling all of us to go the the front of the stage. Surprisingly, Ryeowook didn't make me let go, just pulled me onto my feet and led me by the hand to the front of the stage. I can't say I didn't like it. 

I was shaking, standing next to Min Hee on that stage. She was so beautiful, both in face and voice. Not to mention taller than me. In a way, I felt more comfortable standing next to Ryeowook, who was only a couple inches taller than me. Not that anyone but me in that room kept track of height using inches. 

Noticing my shaking, Ryeowook squeezed my hand. I took a deep breath, looking out over the gathered crowd. Coming to the front were my two *cough cough* favorite people in SM, Lee Soo Man and Kim Young Min. They were joining the various vocal training teachers in the seats just in front of the stage, one of which was Nakata-sensei.

And in the seats in the back, the people I saw made my heart skip a beat.

Henry and Zhou Mi, leaning against the wall. I had sung an Evanescence song. Zhou Mi had listened to Evanescence because I had said it was an artist I knew. Had he recognized it? Why hadn't I seen him when I was singing? Either of them? 

If they had let Henry participate, would I be standing here with Ryeowook?

Almost absentmindedly, I let my hand slip away from his grasp, no longer shaking. I glanced at Min Hee, who smiled at me encouragingly.

"Alright, trainees. Let's cut to the chase. We're going to tell you how you did. If you did very well, you'll be rewarded. However, if we decided that you did not do well, there is a chance that we will ask you to train at another company."

There was a simultaneous gasp from all of the trainees. The stakes were THAT high?! Why didn't they tell us that in the first place?!

"So we'll start. Soo Man-shi, care to make any comments?"

"I was very impressed with Kim Min Hee's voice. Min Hee-yang, where did you learn to sing like that?"

Min Hee's mouth dropped open, but she bowed. "Kamsahamnida... I've been taking lessons ever since I was three."

"You'd be an excellent singer, if you didn't stare at the audience so blankly. Be sure to work on that in the future."

Min Hee looked like she was about to cry. But if he told her to work on that in the future, that meant that they weren't going to kick her out, right?

I resisted the urge to hide behind Ryeowook until the commentary was all over. I did kind of zone out, though, trying not to hear the harsh commentary. Lee Soo Man and Kim Young Min were definitely not being gentle. 

"That said, Jung Ah-yang, Dongsun-goon... I don't think that SM Entertainment is the place for you."

I watched out of the corner of my eye as the two of them started to shed tears, comforted by their partners. I felt horrible for them, but I was secretly glad that they weren't me. I'm a terrible person, I know.  

"Lee Soo Yun, congratulations. Your announcement as a trainee starts next week. Please continue to work hard." I recognized her as the girl who had sang "Game of Love" with Jungmo's guitar.

"Those who haven't been mentioned, you all did well. Continue to do as well as you did today, and you all may recieve the same success as Soo Yun has. Being announced as a trainee shows the confidence that SM has in you." I felt Kim Young Min's eyes travel to me, and I moved a little bit closer to Ryeowook. "Someday, you will be as successful as the Sunbaes you're standing with. I look forward to seeing more from you in the future. Good day, everyone."

It was over.

"I can't believe you didn't win!" I cried to Min Hee as soon as we got back to our dorm. "I mean-- your voice, it was so clear and perfect, and-- why didn't you ever let me see you sing like that?!"

"I didn't think it was that impressive. Besides, I got cut off for my expressions. I just... never know what to do when I'm on stage. Not like you. Your song was okay, but the way you looked onstage, it was like you were in pain. The confusion and yet the happiness... it was really cool. I don't know how you didn't win. You and Ryeowook made a really good team."

"I don't know... It's just like having a conversation, I guess. You sing a song because of the way you feel. I just... let the feeling show on my face, just like I do when I'm talking to you."

"Ah, I see. I'll try my best. But seriously, what was going on there? You let him take your hand, you were blushing, you even leaned against him..."

I was blushing right then. "I was having an emotional breakdown. Give me some slack, a girl needs comfort."

"Lots and lots of comfort."

I pushed her over, my cheeks flaming. "You're just jealous!"

"So which member is it?" 

"You sound just like my friends! I'm not in love with any of them!" That wasn't strictly accurate, since I was in love with all of them, being a fangirl and all...

"Okay, okay, I'll leave you alone. So, how about a toast to getting past the first of SM's trainee eliminations?"

"A toast? Sure! What are we toasting with?" I asked, since alcohol was out of the picture.

Min He went to look in the fridge. "Let's see... we have..." She pulled out a container of milk, sniffed it, made a face, and then tossed it in the garbage, "no milk. Umm... we emptied the last of our pop yesterday, so... orange juice it is."

We laughed, and she poured two plastic cups of orange juice, sitting back down next to me and handing me one. 

I lifted my glass. "Here's to surviving four and a half months as trainees at SM, making friends, meeting idols, flirting with biases, and figuring out who we are and who we can be."

She clicked her glass against mine. "I can toast to that. Especially the 'flirting with biases' part."

We drank, toasting to what had already passed, ready to face whatever would happen next. It wouldn't be easy, but we knew that. 

Of course, at that point, we didn't know that it could get much, much, MUCH harder.