“Unnie, are you okay?”

“I am okay. So…you care, huh?”

“Of course!”

“I thought you don’t care about me anymore…”

“What kind of nonsense is that?!”

“I-I think I am just being petty, right now-“

“Wha—“

“Oh, Eunha, hi!”

“Sana! Hi!”

Oh. She is here too.

--

Sowon looked up at the night sky. She sat on the bench at the rooftop. She hugged herself tighter, the wind was cold to the bone. She watched her breath turned into fog due to the cold weather. Half of her mind wanted her to go inside, to the warmth of their dorm. But, she stayed put. Because, for now… for now, she needed to be alone. She tightened her scarf.

Sowon looked around the empty rooftop. She looked up at the night sky again. The stars are only a few. She sighed. If the kids heard me sighing, they will tease me for telling them to stop doing it as sighing will chase their happiness away. Sowon chuckled. She is… she doesn’t have any right to tell others to do things the right away because Sowon is just as crooked as everyone else… maybe even more than them.

She sighed again. She is just so so so tired. She is the oldest. She is also their so called leader. So, she should be strong for everyone, right? She can’t falter. Because, what would happen if those kids watch her being weak? She can’t let those tiny kids worried for her… for anything. She should appear strong for them. Because… because she’s their pillar.

Yet, yet everything has been too much. She managed to keep on smiling through her pain. Even if all that she wanted to do was crying. She remembered those times when she realized that Yuju and SinB has been hurting themselves, she remembered that she wanted to cry but… she can’t. She has to pull through for them. Because she had noticed the other girls, they looked like a cornered deer during that time. So, Sowon didn’t have time for being weak. She has to be brave. She has to think and act fast. Before… everything crumbled down and disappeared.

Sowon sighed again. She loves her girls a lot. Really really a lot. But, she wanted to rest right now. Because…. Lately she’s been so tired. And sometimes…. sometimes… it felt like she’s drowning. She could see everyone breathing normally yet… it felt like she’s drowning. There’s a lump at the bottom of her stomach. Sowon can’t breathe, she can’t even call others for help, and her voice wouldn’t come out. Even if it felt like that, Sowon knows, she knows that everything is only happening in her mind. So, she kept repeating that everyhing’sokay.youareokay.everyoneisokay.breathe.justbreathesojung. She kept repeating that line inside her head until she felt like she could breathe normally again. Until that lump hide.

Sowon sighed again. Sometimes, during the time she’s alone… Sowon wondered if she’s been a really good leader like what everyone said. Because, there’s this nagging feeling at the back of her mind that kept telling her that she’s useless. That she isn’t good enough. That everything happened because she’s been a bad leader. A bad example.

Maybe that’s why—that’s why Sowon stayed at the back—maybe that’s why she could only stare from the sidelines, while other girls were the center of—nononoyoucan’tthinklikethat!stopthatstopthinkingthateverythingisunfair—because—juststop!stopthinking!

Just like when she’s with Eunha. And that stupid fight but not really a fight. Because how could that even be called a fight when Eunha didn’t even pay the same amount of attention as she did. Eunha's attention was turned to Sana as soon as she appeared.

She loves Eunha dearly. She loves Eunha more than she ever loves herself. Sowon isn’t sure if that’s a good thing or not.

But, Sowon knows. She knows that Eunha has been in so much pain because of her. So much pain that Sowon’s decided that—rather than seeing Eunha in so much pain like that, it would be better for her to let Eunha go. Because she rather be her that’s been hurting than Eunha. Because it’s breaking her heart every time she caught Eunha looking at her with so much guilt, with so much confusion, with fear, with sososomuch pain. So, she tried to keep her distance from Eunha even if it’s killing her.

“Unnie, please wait for me a bit more. I… love you… I think I am in love with you… no, I have undeniably fallen for you… I don’t know how to… but, please wait for me a bit more, unnie.”

But… then Eunha came to her and asked her to wait for her because Eunha is in love with her too. When Eunha told her that she has been falling for her—that Eunha loved her, Sowon’s heart swelled with so much happiness. With so so so much happiness, it felt like she’s going to explode. If Eunha wanted her to wait, she will wait, no matter how long it will take because Eunha loved her.

Even then after Eunha made sure of her feeling, even after they are together, there’s a little voice deep inside her head who kept telling her that she doesn’t deserve Eunha’s love. Because, maybe instead of love, what Eunha felt toward her might have been pity. Maybe Eunha confessed out of her guilt. Maybe… maybe she doesn’t really love her. Because, Sowon can’t even love herself fully, how could other people love her?

Sowon has been watching Eunha’s interaction with other people. Eunha is naturally lovable and charming. So, of course a lot of people fall for her. Like Sana…. Like Sana… who just claimed Eunha as her girlfriend and acted all lovey dovey every time they meet. And of course there’s Eunha who looked like she enjoyed it every time Sana poured her with so much affection.

And then, there’s Yuju…. who has been greatly adored by Eunha, who even felt jealous of Yuju’s blossoming friendship with Chaeyeon. Eunha, who wanted to get the same attention from Yuju. Eunha—

It’s killing her and Sowon felt like she’s dying. Maybe… maybe… she is the one who have been tying down Eunha’s wings—maybe everything that she’s been doing all this time—maybe she has to let Eunha flies away from her…? maybe it will make  Eunha truly happy…?

However, just the thought of existing without Eunha has filled Sowon’s heart with so much sorrow. Without realizing it, Sowon wept. When she realized it, she tried to suppress her tears with the inner side of her elbow. Until she choked on her tears. Until she can’t form anymore words, Sowon wept.

Sowon wept about Eunha, she wept about her girls, she wept about her uselessness, and she wept about her incompetency. She wept about everything she’s been locked inside her heart. She wept and wept until she can’t breathe and tears turned into hiccups.

Her phone’s been ringing for minutes. Sowon tried to ignore it. It kept on ringing. Sowon checked on her phone with shaky hands. Her girlfriend’s name flashed on the screen. Sowon tried to slide it to answer but her hands are trembling so bad, she accidentally rejected it. As regret started to fill her heart, Sowon tried to steady her hands, she checked her phone’s miscalls. 20 miscalls and 30 text messages from her members.

Sowon’s heart leaped when her phone’s ringing again. She composed herself before she answered it.

”Hello? Unnie?” Eunha’s voice could be heard from her phone.

“Hello, Eunha?” Sowon replied. She coughed not long after.

“Unnie! Where are you?! You disappeared as soon as we reached the dorm—What—what happened with your voice-? Unnie…are you okay?”

Sowon coughed again. “I am okay, Eunha. Where are you? Why are you calling me?”

“Unnie, you don’t sound okay at all! Where are you? I will pick you-“

“It’s okay, Eunha. You don’t need to pick me. You are at the dorm, right? I will arrive soon, okay?”

“But, unnie—no, I am not at the dorm, I am at the office to search for you-“

“Okay… I will come to you then-“

“Dorm is okay, unnie. I am on my way there—manager-oppa is already driving there—unnie, where are you? We could pick you—I could pick you—“

“No need, Eunha. I am already close to the dorm. Let’s—let’s talk there, okay? I will wait for you.”

“Okay… okay…let’s talk…please wait for me a bit more—I will arrive soon… unnie… I love you…” Eunha added before the connection is cut.

Haven’t I always waited for you, Eunha? Sowon stared at her phone. Slowly, she wiped away her tears. She poured the water from her bottle to her face. After she thought that she looked rather okay, despite the puffy and red eyes, Sowon walked down to her dorm.

--

As soon as she locked the door, she’s been attacked by a fierce hug from Umji and SinB.

“Oof!’ Sowon groaned.

“Unnie! Where in the world are you?!” SinB asked. “Why are your eyes red?”

“You are so cold! Unnie, come inside quickly!” Umji pulled her inside the warm room.

“Unnie, why don’t you answer our calls?” Yerin asked. She pulled Sowon to the bathroom. “The water’s temperature is warm so you should take a bath first to warm your body.”

“Is your leg okay, unnie?” Yuju asked. She brought an icepack. “Were you crying? Did it hurt that much?! Let’s go to the hospital, unnie!”

Sowon smiled. “I am okay. It doesn’t hurt that bad, Yuju. I only slipped a bit. It’s okay.”

“If you are okay, why were you crying?” Yerin asked.

“Because it has been hurting then… it doesn’t hurt now,” Sowon replied. She entered the bathroom before any of the girls could ask her anymore questions.

She could still hear Yerin shout though. “Unnie! If it hurt then, it might hurt again. Let’s just go to the hospital after you finish bathing.”

“No need, Yerin. I will use the icepack from Yuju later. It should be enough.”

--

Sowon soaked on the hot water. She felt guilty because she has been making everyone worried. Yet, not only her body felt warm, her heart felt warm too. Sowon smiled.

--

“Unnie!” Eunha tackled her into a hug as soon as Sowon stepped out of the bathroom.

“Welcome home, Eunha,” Sowon greeted.

“Unnie, Yuju said you were crying because your leg hurt. Should we go to the hospital?”

Sowon shook her head. “It’s okay. After soaking in the water, it doesn’t hurt anymore. Besides, Yuju has prepared an icepack for it.”

“Are you sure?”

Sowon nodded.

“Okay then… let me help you put the ice pack,” Eunha said.

Sowon nodded again.

--

The living room is filled with everyone’s worried eyes. Sowon chuckled.

“I am okay. Go to sleep already, we still have lot of schedules tomorrow,” Sowon said.

“Are you really really okay, unnie?” Umji asked. “I mean, you know how my foot was hurt before? What if-“

Sowon patted Umji’s head. “I am okay, don’t worry about me, ‘kay.”

“We love you, of course we are worried about you,” Yerin said.

Sowon smiled. Yet, she’s crying. Then everything turned into chaos.

“Yuju, called manager-oppa! We need to go to the hospital-“ Yerin started to say.

“No, it is okay. I am okay,” Sowon said through her tears.

“Unnie…” Eunha said.

“I am crying because you—because I have such good kids,” Sowon said, “I am happy, so I cry.”

“You mean to say that you are touched by us?” SinB asked. Doubt is written all over her face.

Sowon nodded.

“Why are you crying when you are happy, you are so so silly, unnie,” Umji said.

“Yeah, are you going senile because you are getting older? How come such things moved you into tears that easily…tsk… you really are a granny,” SinB stated.

Sowon laughed through her tears. Other girls soon followed suit. Eunha squeezed Sowon’s hand.

--

Sowon gazed at Eunha’s sleeping figure. Eunha has been holding Sowon’s thumb tightly. Sowon chuckled at how cute Eunha looked. Then, Eunha opened her eyes slowly. She pulled Sowon’s body closer to her. ”What’s wrong, unnie?” Eunha asked sleepily, “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I wonder…” should I really asked, I am such a coward, what to do if--

“What is it, unnie?” Eunha asked again. “You looked sad…. Tell me, unnie… what’s been bothering you?”

“Do you….” Sowon started to ask but she stopped talking completely. She only stared at Eunha. She tried to articulate what she wanted to ask. But, it’s so difficult.

Eunha reached for Sowon’s cheek. Her thumb gently caressed Sowon’s cheek. “Do I what, unnie?”

It’s silence for a moment. Their eyes never left each other.

“You are—are you happy with me?” Sowon finally asked.

“Yeah, I am happy, unnie. Really really happy.”

“Really? I am glad,” Sowon said.

“Unnie, please tell me what’s wrong?” Eunha pleaded. “Why are you sounding so sad?”

“I think what I feel is jealousy… I am jealous.”

Eunha blinked. “You are—what-?”

“Jealous. I am jealous, Eunha.”

“Of what?”

Of everything that I have no right for. “You are being too much, you know? Like…. With Yuju…. And lately…. Sana…” Sowon tried her best to ask what’s been bothering her. if—if you tell me that—that you want to be freed from me—even though I am a coward—i- I could do that too—even if it kills me…

“The one I love is you, unnie,” Eunha said. She cupped Sowon’s face with both hands. “No one else, but you.” Eunha brought Sowon’s hand to her lips. She kissed each of Sowon’s knuckles gently. “While it is true that I used to have a crush on Yuju long time ago, I don’t think I could ever love her like I love you, unnie.”

“Nn…”

“Because, when I told her about how much I like her… and she said that she doesn’t feel the same way, I felt relieved, unnie. I have been rejected so, shouldn’t I feel like dying? Like my world was crashing down? Yet, I don’t feel any of that. It didn’t hurt then, and it doesn’t hurt now.” Eunha took a strand of Sowon’s hair. “But, if you left me, if I were to think that you reject me—that you were to disappear from me… I think I am going to die, unnie.”

“Die? That’s… extreme…” Like I am one to talk…

“Uhuh, the pain will be too great for me to bear. I don’t think—no, I know that I can’t function properly without you. You—unnie, you are saying that I am your galaxy—but, you are—unnie, your existence build my entire galaxy, unnie. If there are no you… there will be no me, either.

“And, about Sana, she is just a friend, a very affectionate one. But, that’s how she is. And, she has this habit of looking at people like she’s in love with them. While I do enjoy her attention, it felt nice. But, you know… unnie…. I don’t love her. I don’t fall for her. I fall for you. You are my beloved girlfriend, my dear Sojung-unnie.”

“Okay…okay…” Sowon said. She wanted to keep Eunha’s words inside her heart. She wanted to be able to replay it whenever her demons are out to kill her—demons who kept on nagging at the back of her mind. And she wanted to hold onto Eunha’s words like it’s her lifeline, whenever Sowon felt like drowning. Because…. Yeah, Eunha loves her just as much. And her kids are all good gentle hearted kids. Though she’s lacking, these awesome people loves her. And, she is going to keep on improving until she could tame her demons.

“Okay?” Eunha asked softly.

Sowon nodded. “Okay… I still feel jealous though—I think—I can’t help it. I am sorry-“

Eunha put her finger on Sowon’s lips to stop her from talking. “No no no, it’s okay, unnie. Don’t say sorry. It’s—I am happy that you felt jealous. Because, it means that you thought of me as yours, right? Because, unnie… it felt good that you are being possessive like that because… usually, you always let other people win. I can’t explain it well, but… I like it.”

Sowon smiled. She kissed Eunha’s palm.

“Unnie, you need to know that I won’t let go. I won’t let you or us go,” Eunha said, “I love you.” Eunha kissed Sowon’s forehead.

“I love you a lot. More than you ever know, Eunbi,” Sowon whispered.

Eunha nodded. She tightened her hold on Sowon.

--

“I love you a lot. More than you ever know, Eunbi,” Sowon whispered.

But, I know unnie, I know how much you love me. I also know how hurt you feel because of that. I am sorry. I am sorry I’ve been hurting you. I am sorry you are crying because of me. I am sorry I am selfish. Because even if I—I have made you cried, I can’t let you go. I am sorry I will never let you go, unnie.

Eunha nodded. She tightened her hold on Sowon. This time though… I promise that I will do better, unnie. Because, I don’t want to make you cry anymore. Because rather than tears, happiness suits you better. No, happiness suits you the best.

--

Yerin didn’t felt like she wanted to comment on them. Because, Sowon was crying. And everything is better than Sowon’s tears. Whether it comes from neither happiness nor sadness, Yerin preferred the tears free Sowon. Because, it hurts a lot watching the older girl cried and can’t do anything about it. The one everyone relied on is Sowon. And, if Sowon crumbled down, Yerin is sure that they will crumble down as well.

Yerin promised to herself that she will with all of her might—to share Sowon’s weight with her. Because she’s strong—because she’s everyone ginseng—because Yerin doesn’t want to see the older girl cried like that again. Because even if Sowon looked strong, she is also as fragile as other kids.

“Unnie, you need to know that I won’t let go. I won’t let you or us go,” Eunha said, “I love you.”

And Yerin knows that Eunha knows that too.

--

A/N : please don't drown. it's scary. but, anyway... please enjoy!