A/N :

italic = thought

It was one of those times where everything was gloomy and dark. Yerin could feel it. Could feel the demon that has stayed inside her mind started to claw at her. The demon was being noisy and starting to demand her attention.

The kind of attention where it would creep at her heart, the uninviting guest of her mind, the one where it has a strong hold on her. Choking her. Making her breathless. Drowning her until she gasped for air. Usually, usually there’re things that will distract her from it. Usually everything was bright. Usually she wasn’t so gloomy. Usually she wasn’t making so many mistakes. But, today… today everything was just full of mistakes.

Her heart was beating irregularly, her mind was gripped with fear. Mostly irrational fear. Somehow the room suddenly felt too big for her. Too tight, she needed to leave. To get out of here. But, where? Where could she hide? It’s too cramped here, in this bathroom stall.

why, oh why would this happen? how could I let this happen again?

And she felt like she has started to sink deeper and deeper into her anxiety. She has lost the any sense of time. She didn’t know whether it’s been five minutes, ten minutes, thirty minutes, she didn’t know. Her head was throbbing and her heart was still thumping rapidly. As if she has run a mile but all that she has been doing was cowering in fear.

Yerin hate when it came to this. When she’s weak and afraid and all that’s in her head was irrational fear. Oh yes, she knew that all of that was irrational, yet it didn’t stop her demon from choking her. But, Yerin was desperate. She needed to stop it, they still has a few more schedules today. She needed to get a grip. Need to get out of this funk of anxiety.

So, she tried to think about things that made her feel happy. Like food. Yeah, food. But, they need do some diet now, so food is a nonono. Then she thought of her family, not good either. The one came into her mind was her family disappointed face once they realized that she has making so many mistakes. No, Yerin knew that her family will support her but her fear made it seem like they’ll hate her instead. So, Yerin thought about her members. Then her thought stopped at Sowon. Yerin shook her head. Not good. Shouldn’t think about her. Shouldn’t go down that road—

Nothing seemed to work. Nothing could make her breathe again. Nothing—

Until she heard the click on the bathroom door. Yerin didn’t know how—she thought she has clicked it shut—oh wait—there it was, another of her failure—how could she forgot to lock the door—

Instead, a soft knock come from the door.

“Yerin?” Sowon’s voice came through the door.

Yerin didn’t say anything, she couldn’t find her voice.

“Yerin,” Sowon’s voice was gentle.

Yerin could hear it just as clear but it felt like Sowon was calling her from a far far away place. And Yerin was underwater. Drowning. Drowning. Drowning. Into the deepdeepdeep nothingness.

“Yerin, it’s me. Come back here, it’s okay.”

“Unnie…” Yerin’s voice cracked.

“Hey, it’s okay. Everything is going to be okay,” Sowon was gently trying to soothe her.

But, her demon was too noisy, all that she heard was the angry yell of the directors, the disappointed faces, the tiredness of everyone’s face because they have to retake it again and again. Because of her. Because of her. Her.

“Unnie—no—I—everything—my fault—“ Yerin choked a sob. Everything is my fault. I shouldn’t do—why am I like this—why am I not good enough like everyone else—

“It’s okay, Yerin. It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay, hey,” Sowon said softly.

“No—nononono—“ Yerin was trying to control herself—but—air—she couldn’t breath—

“Yerin, ssh, take a deep breath first… Yes, like that, you are doing good. Inhale…exhale… do it again… yeah, inhale… exhale… “ Sowon was gently yet firmly instructing her to breath. To make sure she’s alive. And Yerin felt useless. Because, she was supposed to be the second in command, damn it. She wasn’t supposed to break down like this.

“Yerin, hear me, focus on my voice. Inhale…exhale… do it again… yeah, inhale… exhale…“ again, Sowon was urging her to breath.

And then Yerin thought that it’s why Sowon was their leader. The one who could hold them together. It frustrated Yerin because she wanted to be able to help.

Sowon was continuing to firmly make sure she’s breathing normally. And soon, Yerin was able to open her bathroom door. Sowon was quick to hug her. She run her hand on Yerin’s back comfortingly while Yerin cried. And cried. And cried.

“Ssh, it’s okay,” Sowon assured her, “I am here, you are not alone. Everything will be okay, I’ll make sure of it.” again and again, Sowon repeated the words into her ears.

And, Sowon was so warm and kind and gentle. And slowly, slowly Yerin’s heartbeat was slowing into normal. Her demon was retreating back to its hiding place. And Yerin could breathe again for a moment. “Unnie, everything is too much… too much… I keep on making mistake,” Yerin took a breath, tears was still flowing down her face, “What if—what if I am actually not good enough? Never will be good enough…”

“Everyone makes mistake. And it’s okay. Mistakes are okay, because it proofs that we’re human.” Sowon lifted Yerin’s chin. “And you are human.” Sowon smiled. “Besides, you are more than just good, you are our sunshine, Yerin.”

“But…”

“If there’s mistake, if there’s problem, we’ll find a way to fix it together. For all of us. Because you are my precious friend, and you are never going to be alone, Yerin. And I promise you that everything will be okay in the end, I’ll make sure of it. Okay?”

Yerin peered into Sowon’s eyes. She found nothing but kindness and assurance there. Yerin nodded.

“Okay?” Sowon asked again with a smile.

“Okay, unnie,” Yerin replied, a small smile on her face.

Because, Sowon always. Always managed to anchor her down. To calm down her storm. And Yerin was again questioning herself, how could she stop herself from falling to this person. From this person who was always giving her hope when the world is drowning her.

--

Sometimes, and by sometimes, it meant most of the times, like right now as she saw Yerin, with her puffy eyes and shaky smiles, emerged from the bathroom with Sowon, she wondered if she’ll ever be enough for Yerin.

Even right at this point, when she’s holding Yerin’s hand. So small, so soft, and trembling so bad in SinB’s hold. SinB wondered if her hand will be strong enough, or rough enough for Yerin. Is it big enough? Small enough? Did it fit perfectly or did it fit loosely?

As SinB hugged Yerin, she hoped her hug was warm enough. She wished it’s warm enough to shelter Yerin’s aching heart. When Yerin smiled at her and SinB smiled back, she wished her smile will be sincere enough, bright enough to shine through Yerin’s darkness.

Because SinB wasn’t Yerin’s first love. Oh, yes, Sinb knew. She has always known. She wasn’t that naïve. So, she wondered if ever she could fill it, the place in Yerin’s mind and heart. The special place that has been occupied by that one name.

“SinB, thank you for being with me,” Yerin said, grinning at her, with all that shaky watery smiles.

SinB laughed. “Unnie, I could give you the stars if you asked me to! If it’s only my presence you need, you’ll get plenty. I’ll stick close to you like a glue, you won’t ever been able to get rid of me,” SinB said sincerely, firmly.

Yerin’s eyes went big but when she grinned, SinB knew that she didn’t care if she’s second best or anything. Because that—first love or not, SinB will make a place inside Yerin’s heart, she’ll make it herself, make another special place inside Yerin’s heart and mind. First love will still stay there, but the one that Yerin will give her whole heart to, SinB will make sure that it’s her.

SinB looked at Sowon and Eunha who was engaged in another staring contest which might end up with a kiss or two. Besides, that first love of Yerin doesn’t have any heart left to be given to anyone else. It has been given to the shortest unnie.

--

a/n :  ｡◕‿◕｡

next update will be wonha ^^~

and anxiety attack is bad. it could drown you into despair.

and it's yerin because umji has said that once they have to retake a video so many times and yerin was keeping on saying that she couldn't while sowon was encouraging her.

and in the end, i hope you'll enjoy it, thank you for reading and commenting :)