a/n :

italics = thoughts

I am…

…happy

But,

Oh, so afraid

Because I am happy

So so so happy

It’s scary

Maddeningly frightening

Because

To be this happy

To experience this

This kind of happiness

Maybe because

The possibility of this being a dream

It’s silly I know

I am just

So afraid

Of losing

Calm before a storm

Happiness which come

Only because

It’s going to be taken away

I am happy

Yet

It’s too frightening

That’s why

That’s why

Stay

Don’t go anywhere

Stay

Just.

Stay.

“I saw it.”

Eunha stopped on her track at that. She turned to Sowon who’s walking beside her with an unreadable expression on her face.

“Saw what?” Eunha frown, confused at the statement from Sowon.

“I saw the way you looked at them.” Sowon said again. Still looking ahead instead of at her.

Eunha moved to stand in front of Sowon. “What are you talking about?” She tried to catch Sowon’s eyes.

“Don’t act like I’m stupid. I know what I saw.” Flat and cold.

“And care to tell me what is it that you saw?”

--

Sowon took a deep breath. She wanted to reply. She really wanted but she couldn’t make words to tumble down from her lips. She closed her eyes. Sometimes the things you couldn’t ask are the things in which you’re afraid of what the answer will be.

“Unnie. Sojung-unnie. Tell me what is it that you saw?”

“Eunha...” Sowon started to say. “Eunha you—are you—but—“ are you ever really in love with me? or are you in love with the way I made you feel? The way I love you as if you are the center of my world. And you are. You. Are. And it hurts hurts. It hurts.

--

“Unnie, come on, tell me,” Eunha took a step toward Sowon who took a step back.

They kept on being like that for some times, Eunha walking toward Sowon who’s taking a step back from her. They did it until Sowon’s back bumped into an unsuspecting Yuju who let out a small ‘oof’.  

“Ah, Yuju, sorry are you alright?” Sowon asked.

Yuju just waved her hands. “It’s okay.”

“Oi, what are you guys still doing here? We should leave the venue now,” SinB shouted from the end of the hallway.

“Alright, we’re coming,” Sowon replied. She turned to Eunha and Yuju. “Let’s go to the car now.”

Eunha wanted to protest but she just nodded.

--

Eunha watched the back of Sowon’s head. The older girl didn’t even look at her ever since they entered the car. She wondered what’s happening with Sowon. A small giggle from Yuju distracted her. She turned her attention to her roommate who’s grinning at her phone. Feeling curious, she tried to catch a glimpse of Yuju’s screen and saw whose she’s texting with. Eunha tilted her head with a little frown.

--

Sowon caught the things happened on the backseat through the rearview mirror. Again a little stab in her chest.

Sowon was familiar with the green eyed monster. She’s so familiar with it for it brought her a burning pain inside her. Flaring up like it’s going to burn her whole. Turning her to ashes.

--

Sometimes, it hurts.

Just listening to you said it.

At her name which has tumbled down from your lips.

Because then, I could hear it too.

The sounds of my heart tumbled down away from me.

--

Sowon hugged Eunha as soon as she watched her hitting the wall. Her body was moving automatically before she even registered what’s happening. So, with a little laugh and a worried glance, she hugged Eunha.

Just like a flash of light, she let go of Eunha the moment Yuju was moving forward to hug her. She just watched how Eunha was being comforted by her roommate. She kept an eye on them but still, she just watched them from a far.

--

Sowon watched Yuju played with Eunha’s hands. The hands which she has been playing with moment before. She took a step back from them, just quietly observing. She looked at the way Eunha poured her attention at Yuju. Without words, she left them.

A few steps away, Sowon turned to look at them. Wondering if Eunha would follow her. Sowon continued to walk away. Because the one who’s following her was her shadow only. No one else. Not the one that she’s been hoping for.

--

And just like that.

At the way you just stay with her.

You don’t even realize that I am not there.

The emptiness you left.

You don’t notice it.

My absence.

--

Eunha was sure that Sowon was avoiding her. Because suddenly, Sowon was never there. And how the spot that Sowon was usually occupied has been occupied by someone else. Or at how Sowon was standing at the far end of the line, with people in between them.

And how Sowon was always already sleeping when she visited the older girl in her room. Or when she stayed up to wait for Sowon to come home only to find herself alone in her bed in the morning. No Sowon in sight.

--

Umji was eyeing Sowon who’s dancing in the practice room. Sure the exam season might have been taking a toll at their leader. Or it might be the nervousness of the upcoming show, but, Sowon has been practicing like her life depended on it. Like she’s running away.

“Unnie, are you okay?” Umji asked once Sowon stopped dancing.

Sowon’s reply to her question was to lie down on the floor. Umji walked toward Sowon with a towel on her hand. She offered it to Sowon who’s receiving it with a small smile.

“Unnie, are you okay?” Umji asked again. She looked at Sowon’s face carefully. Trying to find an answer there.

Sowon just threw her a wry smile.

“Unnie…”

“Yewon,” Sowon started to say.

“Hm?”

“Yewon, you know? When it makes your heart bursts. It has a high chance that it’s love.”

Umji placed her hand on top of Sowon. “Uhuh, it’s love.”

“It might burst to tiny little pieces. Too many pieces.”

“Sounds painful.”

Sowon nodded. “It’s painful, yes. Sometimes, the tiny little pieces could fill you with happiness. So much happiness so much that you cried.”

“Somehow I think there’s a but there.”

Sowon let out a chuckle. Low and too empty to Umji’s ears. “Yeah, Yewon. There’s a but there.”

“But sounds like .”

Sowon let out another chuckle. Slightly less empty to Umji.

“But, sometimes the tiny pieces hurt so bad. So bad.” Sowon turned her eyes to the ceiling. “I want it to be okay, you know? Ah, then again. Heartbreak happened. It’s inevitable and there’s no way to avoid it. It just happens.” Sowon took a breath. “I am just—I am just hopping that it wouldn’t be her. That heartbreak wouldn’t become her.”

“Sojung-unnie…” Umji wasn’t sure what she should be saying to comfort Sowon, so she lied down beside Sowon. Her hand was tracing patterns on Sowon’s palm.

“Because I want her. I want what I have with her to be with her. Only with her. I don’t want anyone else but her,” Sowon continued.

Umji was looking at Sowon sadly. Words have failed her for she couldn’t find it in her to find one word that will calm Sowon’s heart. In the end, Umji pulled Sowon into a tight hug. Sowon wasn’t crying. There’s no voice coming from her. Still, Umji heard it. Loud and clear. The cracking inside Sowon’s heart.

Umji wondered if the other pair of Sowon’s heart, the one that could actually mend it, Umji wondered if that heart was breaking as well. She wondered why things go down this road. Where’s the lovey dovey pair that’s always being made fun of by SInB. Umji wondered where that pair went.

--

Eunha’s eyes caught the numbers shown on the clock. 11:11. And though she knew better, she still wished to it.

--

It’s eleven eleven.

Please come back.

It’s eleven eleven.

Stay.

Stay and don’t leave.

--

a/n:  ｡◕‿◕｡ 

because they're angsty (´ ᴗ｀✿)

thank you for reading and commenting till now <3