Chapter 12

Department X

Jessica rolled her eyes after hearing the comments and Taeyeon lazily yawned as she continued lying down on Tiffany's shoulder. Taking out a grey dossier from her bag, Tiffany briefly explained the outline of the mission to them. "Shima Inc, founded by the Japanese after World War 2 ended as a way to create jobs for the japanese citizen. They concentrated on chemical engineering but recently they have taken it further and ventured into weapons development, developing weapons for military use. Remember Christoph Feurer?" Jessica nodded grimacing at the last sight she remembered of him as she blew his head up with a single shot from her AS50."The CIA has checked and found that he was only the middle man. He wasn't the one that was supplying weapons to the Terrorist Organization, Shima was. Recently it was rumored that they are in the midst of creating some sort of a biological bomb which contains anthrax. If they do succeed and successfully sells it to the terrorist organization, the amount of people that will die will be unimaginable. Your job is to bring back proof that they are indeed creating biological weapons and CIA will have a reason to storm that place..

Jessica commented after hearing what Tiffany said, "That sounds pretty simple to me. Just get either Yoona or Sooyoung to hack into their company's server and download the data remotely." Tiffany shook her head "Its not as easy as that, Shima has installed a very strong firewall that prevents anything from being removed from their server remotely. So your job is to get Yoona into the building's server room so that she can access the data." The four of them sat around Taeyeon's bed as they started dicussing the different possibilites and the risk involved in this mission.

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Sooyoung and Yoona made it home as dinner started. Not daring to look at Jessica unnie who sat there glaring at the two of them, they happily handed the requested items around. Jessica glared at them as she saw the items they bought. The more expensive the item was, the more her blood pressure rose as she imagined the bill that will come later. She could feel her heart literally break in pieces as they handed her card back to her. It was still hot from the amount swiping it went through the day. Jessica looked around as everyone happily chatted about the items they requested for and she looked at Sooyoung and Yoona expectantly. "You guys got something for me too right? Its MY CARD after all." Sooyoung nodded proudly as she reached into the bag and pulled out the last item and placed it into Jessica outstretched hand. Grabbing Yoona, they ran back into the room and locked the door as Jessica screamed when she saw what they had bought for her. "GUM? You got me a pack of gum? You guys maxed out my card buying expensive presents for everyone and all you got me is gum?" Storming into her room, Jessica slammed the door behind her as the rest laughed uncontrollably at her outburst.

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colleenorcullo
#1
Chapter 55: SooNa is so sweet T~T
Taengoo311
#2
Chapter 68: Umm why no updates? D:
SunnyandTae
#3
Chapter 32: New reader. Love where it's going. I'm up to the Christmas special and love it. It's written so well. I can't wait to finish :)
badtestament #4
Wuuthraad : Hahaha, well. Not everything will go to their food binges. I will have a part 3 to explain what they did with the money
badtestament #5
Forever9 : Haha, *evil gleams somemore* Maybe I should tell Youngie about your suspicious love for rilakuma.. *rubs hands in glee* YAH dongsaeng, wae you no update childcare chaos... *prepares the darts you loaned me*
Wuuthraad
#6
I now feel bad for Kim Tae Woo, now that he's going to jail and all his cash is going to fund SooNa food binges XD
badtestament #7
Vedasone : Thanks for the comments. =) Really thanks.

Mashipao : I will post my reply on your wall ok?? =D Thanks for reading my fanfic and thanks even more for your detailed comments and improvement suggestions
MashiPao
#8
S: LAST COMMENT! I SWEAR! XD
While reading your story, I noticed the pros and cons of your writing. So I want to give you some advice to make your fic better and your writing overall. :P
First of all, you do research on your topics. Which is really good. it's very easy to tell that you did your research on the guns and whatnot. In fact, would you mind helping me with that kind of stuff? LOl The amount of information within your story (and the gun explanations in the sequel) clearly show the amount of research you did. Few authors do this large amount of research so kudos to you!
Next, you have AMAZING vocabulary and details. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. Although, your sentences can get a bit awkward at times, it doesn't hide the fact that your details are amazing. However, I think that all the details you have are like a double-edged sword in a sense. It's really great to read a fic with such amazing detail but sometimes it gets...tedious. Your updates are rather short so all I can see is giant paragraph after paragraph. And honestly, it makes me feel like I'm reading an essay instead of a story. So I would recommend maybe taking your giant paragraphs and separating them into smaller ones. That way, it's much easier to read. Not a lot of people want to read giant blocks of text.
Also, your details and whatnot overpower your dialogue. You have more details than you have dialogue. In my opinion, dialogue is what makes a story and fleshes out the characters' personalities. So perhaps add more dialogue into your story?
You have problems writing dialogue as well which is awfully strange because I see you doing it the right way and then you mostly do it the wrong way...such as in Chapter 47. You squish all of your dialogue into one paragraph which is incorrect. (And it causes many readers to run away LOL) There must be a new paragraph every time a new person speaks.
So I'm done. Whew that took a long time to type up. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and found my comments useful~
MashiPao
#9
Moving on to the next comment! LOL I don't know...I might hit a new high and have to write three comments. I still have much to say. :P Just a heads up, I read teh sequel too so I'll be squishing everything in the comments here. XD
Anyway, continuing about Tiffany. Thumbs up for continuity. I noticed you still had pink dossiers in your sequel. Hehe sorry I just like it when the author stays consistent. I always have smile on my face every time Tiffany enters the cafe: walks/runs in like a boss then glomps everyone. XD (Also yay for slight Taenyish moment in the sequel haha).
Moving on to the highlight of the story that I found the most amusing: Jessica's and Taeyeon's test to get into Department X. Haha it was great. Cucumbers and roasted cockroaches? Wow. Must've been hell. The examiners weren't very smart when they decided not to tie up Jessica's feet. XD Aso I love the background of the Cafe with No Name. I LOL'd at such the lame name and LOL'd even harder when you said "Taeyeon's creativeness". Nice Touch. :)
Moving on the main plot of the story, I must say the Department X definitely have their feet stuck in a pile of crap. Especially Sooyoung. D: It was so sad when she left. Also, I was so surprised at the end when Seohyun drugged Hyoyeon. Why SEOHYUN? WHY? T_T Honestly, I never expected Seohyun of all people. She's too nice and stuff. But you know, the nicest people are probably the most evil and sinister (Does that make me evil? LOL). Going into the sequel, I wonder if Sunny and Hyomin will really fall in love with each other especially since Hyomin is taking such good care of Sunny in the hospital...while Sunny's lover is sulking around, seeking Tiffany for refuge...Shame, Taeyeon. If Sunny caught you, she might have to request you to get into bed immediately. XD Hehe I'm an avid Taeny fan so I'm content with the Taeny development. :P But anyway, Seohyun, why are you so EVIL?! T_T Evil! D: Augghhh...Well, I'm running out of space again. LOL