Kim Heechul didn’t come back after that day.

          I should be glad because finally we’re going to be moving on our separate ways. I should be happy that he’s finally going to find some peace. I kept telling myself that I should be happy, that I’m happy…but I’m not.

          I was hurt and mad at him too. I’ll be honest with that. But I love him…I love him so much that even though I was telling myself that this is probably for the better I am still holding on to his promise that he will come back to prove himself again to me.

          “This what you want, isn’t it Eun Hye?” I talked to myself one lonely day. “You told him to go and leave you.”

          I threw the clay I was working on across the floor of my house. The spirit of making my project left me. I hate myself.

          I hate to be waiting when I know it’s not going to happen.

          I hate myself for telling him to go away.

          I hate myself for not listening to my heart.

          It’s not going to happen. He’s given up on you.

          I grabbed the remote control and opened the television. I might be crazy but I’m actually worried about him. I need to know where he is.

          I was lucky. Super Junior was plastered all over the music shows and local channels. I watched them all as I listen to the live performance of their new song. I felt nostalgic as I see all of them perform…I miss them so bad.

          My eyes were fixed on Heechul. He was so graceful and chanted his name in tune with the fan chant.

          He’s busy living his dream.

          I watched the whole show and I ignored the painful tug in my heart.

          “Kamshamnida yeorobun!!” Leeteuk bowed as they won first place this week.

          I smiled when I saw Heechul smiling. At least he’s happy.

          They invited the fans to watch their interview in a show and I noted mentally the date and time of that show.

          I waited for it to air, tapping impatiently because I wanted to see Heechul again. This is my only way to see him. The interview started but I wan’t paying much attention to where the conversation is going. I just keep on staring at Heechul, noting his every move.

          It was in the fifth question that caught my attention.

          “How is your relationship with Ahn So Hee of Wonder Girls?” the host asked addressing Heechul directly.

          I waited for his answer.

          “Ahn So Hee and I were just friends.” Heechul replied.

          Heechul’s smile is a little forced but I don’t think the host noticed this because she continued to ask. “Are you dating right now?”

          “Aniyo.” he shook his head. “I’m focused on my career right now…and other things.”

          My shoulder slumped. Neh…he’s busy with his career.

          “Leeteuk-ssi, tell us about your tour.” the host smiled as she turns her attention back to Leeteuk.

          “Neh…the first leg of the tour will take place in Japan, Thailand, Indonesia and Malaysia.” Leeteuk explained. “All in all it will be a two weeks tour and then we’ll be back in Korea.”

          “You’re really working hard, all of you.” the host smiled.

          “Neh.” they agreed.

          “Any last words Heechul-ssi?” she asked.

          “Wait for us ELFs.” Heechul smiled at the camera and I imagined him smiling directly at me. “Fighting!”

          Two weeks? Heechul will be gone for two weeks.

          There’s no way he’s coming back.

          “It’s time to wake up, Eun Hye.” I told myself and switched off the television.

          I locked myself in the house whenever I don’t have school. The loneliness and nightmares starts coming back again and I don’t want the others to see. From time to time Casey will visit me and I will try to cheer up for her. It was like having a little sister. I promised myself that everything will be back to normal and I just have to get used to being alone again.

          I tried telling myself that it was just a figment of my imagination when Heechul came here. It was the poor excuse of my heart to block away the pain.

          I was busy cleaning the house when Casey came knocking on my door. I let her in as she hand me the plate full of cookies.

          “Did you bake this for me?” I asked her.

          “Neh, Unnie.” she smiled. “To make you feel better.”

          I smiled despite myself. “Gumawo.”

          “Are you cleaning the house again, unnie?” Casey frowned.

          “Neh.” I nodded. “Wae?”

          “Are you a clean freak now, unnie?” she asked.

          “Aish~” I glared at her. Sometimes she doesn’t act like a kid. “How can you say that to your unnie?”

          Casey pouted. “You always clean the house. There’s no more to clean.”

          I sighed. She’s right but this is all I can do to pass my time since I don’t want to go out. I grabbed the cookies and started eating it.

          “Unnie!” Casey said excitedly. “Is this new?”

          I turned around to see her looking at my chibi painting of Super Junior. I found it last night when I was rummaging through my things and I forgot to put away.

          “Ani…” I shook my head and touched the canvass absentmindedly. “I made this one almost a year ago.”

          “Jinjja?” she smiled. “It’s so cute.”

          “Do you want to have it?” I asked suddenly.

          She looked at me like as if I’m crazy. “Aniyo.”

          I blinked. “Wae?”

          “You like this one.” she said simply. “Why are you giving it away?”

          “How did you know I like it…?” I asked her but she just rolled her eyes and went to the living room.

          Yes I like this one. It’s just that it brings sad memories.

          “Unnie!” Casey called from the living room.

          “Wae?” I asked.

          “The boy who came here and made you cry is on the television.” Casey said. “Kim…Heechul?”

          I raised my eyebrow on her description of Heechul but I ran in the living room anyways. He’s back?

          It was indeed Heechul but it was celebrity news that’s playing on the screen. There was a video clip playing on the screen and it seems to be from their concert tour in Japan. There were so many people and I wans’t even surprised at that.

          What surpsred me is Heechul…he’s standing on the concert stage and he seems to be giving a speech and…he’s crying while Leeteuk and the others were standing behind him.

          “This is Kim Heechul’s revelation in one of their concert in Japan a week ago.” the reporter said and the video rolled again.

          The video was focused on Heechul and I can see him struggling for words.

          “Yeorobun…” he started to say. “I’m here in front of you because I want to say something important. I want to ask for your forgiveness because I lied to you. You who have always supported me and who have always loved me. Mianhe…for the things I will tell you tonight.”

          “I lied about many things…” Heechul cried. “I lied about to you about the past rumors that they reported about me. It’s true that I was engaged with Eun Hye but it was because of a situation we can’t back down into.”

          The whole place was silent and all the fans were just listening to him.

          “It was troublesome at first. I didn’t want to be in a situation like that…but I learned to love her and she loves me back. I was so happy. It was sad because I wans’t able to share to you my happiness of being in love with her and I have to say all those lies. Please don’t hate her. If there’s one person whom I should be asking forgiveness to is Eun Hye.”

          I can see Leeteuk hovering behind him and murmuring behind Heechul like as if he’s telling him to calm down.

          “She has suffered a lot because of me. I dragged her into a world where she wasn’t used to. I made actions that caused her to get hurt but still she has forgiven me. We were happy again despite the fact that our relationship is a secret.”

          “I have her in my arms until that accident I had where I lost my memory. It , because of all the people I will forget I have forgotten abour her. I pushed her away unable to believe that she’s my fiancée. I have hurt her with my words. I never saw her pain until the day she left me.”

          I can feel the hot tears pouring in my face.

          I wanted to Heechul to stop. He can’t say those things…I’m afraid it will cause him to lose the heart of his fans. I want him to stop because I can’t bear to see him in pain.

          “Eventually I started to remember her…but it was so sad because it was too late. I don’t know if she can forgive me anymore. Mainhe yeorobun. Mianhe. I didn’t mean to repay you like this.”

          “But I love her…I really love her.”

          “Mianhe…mianheyo.”

          Heechul broke down and his friends engulfed him with a hug.

          I wanted to hug him and keep him safe in my arms but I was just helplessly watching him. I can hear the fans in the background crying with him.

          “This video was annonynously uploaded by a fan.” the reporter said. “It has gained plenty of different reactions and it was reported the video has been taken down by SME because of the illegal upload.”

          I switched off the television.

          What was Heechul thinking? Is he trying to ruin his career?

          My phone rang and I answered it absentmindedly.

          “Eun hye?” called Hyun Joong’s voice. “Gwenchanna?”

          “Aniyo…” I answered my mind in a tangle of thoughts.

          “Where are you?” he asked worriedly. “I saw the news and…”

          “He shouldn’t have done that!” I cried. “What if they hate him now?”

          “Eun Hye, calm down.” Hyun Joong tried to soothe me.

          “I need to see him now.” I said almost talking to myself.

          I grabbed my bag and I left Casey alone in the living room. I don’t care if the whole ELF hates me. All I care about is Heechul. He must be receiving a lot of critisims now and he must be hurting. I don’t want to be the reason why he cries. I need to see him. I need to protect him.

          “Eun Hye…” Hyun Joong’s voice called on the phone. “Are you still there?”

          I almost dropped my phone when I stepped out of the house. Standing a few steps away from me and standing beside the gate is Heechul.