The light pouring inside my room woke me up. It was such a beautiful day and it feels wrong to see this kind of beauty when it doesn’t even match how I feel right now.

            I stumbled to get out of my bed. I blinked it took me a while to adjust to my surroundings. I frowned when I saw that I am not in Suju’s dorm and then I remember last night. After that horrible day at the hospital, I found myself drinking soju alone in the Suju dorm.

            I laughed bitterly as I remembered. I would’ve been in so much trouble if somebody caught me last night. My head still hurts but the pain was nothing compared to what my heart is feeling.

            After drinking three bottles of soju and crying my heart out on the Suju’s dorm I packed all my things and hailed a taxi to go home where I lived back when I even met Heechul. I didn’t know how I did it and it doesn’t matter.

            Today, there will be a lot of changes. Changes I don’t want in the first place.

            I showered and ate breakfast without tasting anything. I cleaned the whole house without paying much attention, putting things in perfect order like it matters so much.

            And then there was just one last thing to do.

            I stared at my study table where a piece of scented paper lies. I grabbed a pen and write a little letter for Heechul, my last letter for him.

            I folded it neatly and sealed it in an envelope.

            My phone chimed and I checked my message box. It was from Leeteuk telling me that this afternoon will be Heechul’s last medical test.

            Call me when you get this. Something happened yesterday…

            I read the last line over and over but instead of calling back, I forcefully made myself to erase the message.

            I took two deep breaths to calm myself. I grabbed my bag to get the plane ticket Hyun Joong gave me. Can I do it?

            I closed my eyes and made the call. He picked up in the first ring.

            “Eun Hye?” he replied.

            “Uhm hi...” I said lamely.

            “Is everything okay?” he asked.

            No.

            “Does your offer still stands?” I asked instead.

            There was a long pause from his other end. “Yes…it still stands.”

            I sighed. “I’ll see you at the airport later.”

            “Are you sure?” he asked suddenly.

            I can’t answer that one. “Don’t you want me to come?”

            “I…I want you to come.” he replied.

            “I’ll see you then.” I said finally. “Bye.”

            I hang up the phone and stared in the mirror for a very long time. Why does it have to end this way?

            I grabbed the shears inside my drawer and touched a lock of my long hair. I started clipping it until it was just barely below my ears. I stared at myself and she looks sadly back at me.

            A tear escaped my eye.

            Yesterday is the last day…because it hurts too much, because I couldn’t take it anymore.

            I have to go.

            I tucked the letter in my bag and made a last sweeping look on my house. It will take a long time before I come back. I walked on my way to the hospital, taking my time. I even stopped into the place I’ve always like.

            I went to school and passed my dropping letter. I almost laughed when I saw my professor’s, the one I used to call Peaches, surprised face when I handed him my form. He asked me where I was going and why am I dropping out but I just gave him sad smile. I tried not draw attention to myself so I didn’t linger on the building too much.

            I found myself sitting on the stairs leading to hall where I first met Heechul. I sat there imagining the music I heard the day when I was so sad. It feels weird now that I can’t hear it anymore.

            I passed a shop on my way to the hospital and something caught my eye. It was a voice recorder and it was shaped like a cartoon lion. A memory flashed in my mind and I bought it instantly. I went to a little coffee shop and took a spot outside where I can see the cars pass by.

            And then I started talking…

            It was already eleven am when I arrived at the hospital. Ryeowook greeted me in the hallway with a smile. His smile faltered when he saw my bag.

            “Eun Hye…why didn’t you return my call?” Leeteuk asked, coming from behind Ryeowook.

            “Noona…where are you going?” Ryeowook asked pointing at my bag.

            I smiled at him. “Where’s Heechul?”

            “He’s asleep.” he replied. “He had a break down last night and he needs to be sedated.”

            Mou?

            My heart froze but I forced myself not to react badly. “Is he okay now?”

            “I guess.” Ryeowook shrugged. “It was really bad last night.”

            I nodded and looked away.

            “Where are you going Eun Hye?” Leeteuk asked.

            I pretended not to hear him. “Can I see him now?”

            He grabbed my hand. “Where are you going?”

            “Can I see him, please?” I pleaded. I’m not yet ready to say goodbye to them.

            I didn’t wait for their answer. I avoided the others gaze as I entered Heechul’s room. I found Shindong, Sungmin and Yesung inside watching over Heechul.

            “Eun Hye…” Shindong greeted me.

            “Annyeong…” I smiled weakly.

            Leeteuk motioned for them to go outside. “Give Eun Hye a minute.”

            I smiled gratefully at him. I walked to Heechul’s bed and watched him sleep.

            “Annyeong…oppa.” I smiled at him.

            His beautiful face was etched with stress and he has sweat building on his forehead. I wiped it with a warm towel and I froze when he moved.

            He mumbled something on his sleep and became still again.

            I put the letter on the table beside his bed together with the voice recorder I bought. I stood there watching him and words failed me. What can I say to him? What is there left to say?

            There are no words for this.

            I wiped the tears before they can even fall down. I put my lips on Heechul’s forehead and closed my eyes.

            Today will be the last day I will see him…even though it hurts so much, even though this is not what I want. His happiness matters more to me than anything else. This is my final act of love for him.

            I pulled away. “Saranghae oppa…sarangahae.”

            I grabbed my bag and left before I can even change my mind. It was now time to say goodbye to the others.

            “Noona, where are you going?” Kyuhyun asked.

            “Are you leaving?” Yesung asked horrified.

            I tried to smile but it turns out to be a grimace. “I have to.”

            “Where will you go?” Eunhyuk asked.

            “Far away…” I said.

            “Noona…noona don’t leave.” Ryeowook pleaded.

            “Mianheyo..Wookie.” I hugged him. “I have to do this.”

            “You’re coming with him aren’t you?” Donghae asked, stepping forward.

            Siwon looked from him to me. “Who?”

            “Hyun Joong.” Donghae replied for me.

            “Mou?!” Kyuhyun asked. “Yah, noona! How can you come with him?”

            I looked at him sadly. “Would you rather I stay here? I don’t know if I can endure it anymore little maknae…”

            Kyuhyun looked away. “Why him…?”

            “He understands.” I replied simply.

            “You won’t be happy there.” Leeteuk said.

            “I don’t have to.” I smiled bitterly. “Besides you’re the one who told me to save myself.”

            “You don’t have to go to America.” Leeteuk argued.

            I shook my head. “There’s nowhere else to go.”

            “We don’t want you to go…” Yesung said.

            “I know.” I nodded. “I will be missing you all. There have been so many things you have done for me.”

            “We can find another way…” Sungmin said.

            “I don’t have much time to figure out something else, Sungmin.” I said.

            I hugged them one by one. I thanked them over and over. I looked away so as not to see the there’s that Ryeowook and Kyuhyun shed. I refused to look at their sad faces. I loved them… they were more than my friends. They were like my brothers, my family. And I have to leave them all.

            I bade them goodbye and I didn’t look back.

Heechul’s POV:

In my dream I saw Eun Hye. Her face is warm and glowing, free from tears that makes her face so sad. In my dream, I hear her voice saying that she loves me over and over again. It was a beautiful dream and I dream of her kissing me.

My eyes opened in that last scene. I absentmindedly touched my forehead. It feels warm like it has been touched my something soft. I frowned, no one is around.

            “Teukkie…?” I called and the door opened.

            They went inside and I saw their sad faces. I sighed; I must have caused them a lot of pain last night. I shouldn’t have acted like that.

            “Mianheyo.” I said when they got closer. “I’m sorry for last night.”

            “It’s okay hyung.” Yesung said. “It’s not your fault.”

            I looked at Ryeowook and Kyuhyun’s face. It looks like they’ve been crying and I wonder why.

            “Wookie…are you alright?” I asked.

            “Neh, hyung.” he nodded without meeting my eyes.

            “Maknae?” I asked.

            Kyuhyun gave me a forced smile. “I’m alright, hyung. We’re alright.”

            “Don’t mind us.” Leeteuk said. “You should take some more rest…today will be your last check up and then you’ll be free to go home.”

            “I’m always resting.” I pouted. “My back hurts from always lying down. I miss working and seeing my fans.”

            “You’ll just be in time for our comeback album, don’t worry.” Leeteuk said.

            “Yah, Siwon. Do you think they still remember me?” I joked.

            He smiles a little. “Of course, hyung. They will be screaming your name in glee when they saw you okay.”

            “That’s why you should rest, hyung.” Shindong said.

            “Neh, neh.” I nodded.

            Ryeowook and Kyuhyun were still silent and surprisingly so is Sungmin, Donghae and Eunhyuk.

            “Yah yah…why don’t you eat with me?” I smiled and turn to reach for the fruits on the table beside my bed.

            I stopped when I saw something on my table. It was a piece of envelope and a cute lion thing.

            I turned to them. “Is this for me?”

            Leeteuk shrugged. “Molla…”

            I took the envelope and the lion shaped thing. Somehow it makes me nervous just seeing it. I opened the envelope and started reading the letter inside.

            That’s when my tears streaming down my face.

My Heechul,

       Oppa, the moment you read this, I know you still won’t remember me. It hurts because we ended up this way, but I know I have to let you go.

       The moment you read this, I’ll probably be miles away. It’s not the choice of my heart but my brain. This is the best thing I can do for you. Remember that no matter how far away I am, I will never forget you.

       Gumawo. Gumawo for all the things that we’ve been through, for all the memories even if you can’t remember thm, Fate is cruel to us and I don’t understand but I have to.

       Saranghae, saranghae oppa. I don’t know if someday you’ll remember me. You can forget everything but please don’t forget that I love you and only you.

       I left my heart with you.

                                                                     Eun Hye

            I sobbed. It was Eun Hye’s last letter for me.