Heechul’s POV:

          When Eun Hye left my heart stopped feeling anything and it was like being robbed with emotions. Everything I do feels like fake. My smile, my laughter, my whole life seems like a big joke.

          I went back to my usual life. I’m still Kim Heechul, member of Super Junior. I went back to work the day they released me in the hospital. I worked hard day and night. I kept myself busy.

          What can I do? There’s nothing left for me to do but continue living with what I used to do.

          I worked hard in our comeback album, singing and dancing my heart out. I accepted all the shows they throw at me. This is the least I can do to the people who helped me up despite of what I have done.

          I tried to be a better hyung, taking care of my dongsaengs more. I can’t repay them enough and I know I have done horrible things to them that I know I shouldn’t have. I cause them so much trouble and pain.

          It was eight thirty pm and we were just about to pack up for dance rehearsal when Leeteuk told me to stop it.

          I stared at him blankly. “Mou?”

          “I said stop it.” Leeteuk said.

          “What did I do?” I asked. We have never had a single fight since that they on the hospital and I am so puzzled with how he was acting right now, like somehow I have offended him.

          “Stop acting like you’re the happiest person on Earth.” Leeteuk said.

          “Wae?” I asked irritatedly.

          “You know it’s not okay.” Leeteuk said.

          “Is it wrong for me to try and make myself feel better?” I asked him.

          “No.” Leeteuk replied. “But you’re killing yourself.”

          “I’m not.” I argued.

          “You’re working your off and you never rest.” Leeteuk said angrily now. “You act more like a robot than a normal person.”

          “What do you want me to do? Huh?” I said throwing my towel on the floor in frustration. “Sulk all day? Cut my wrist? What?”

          “We want you back hyung.” Sungmin mumbled quietly.

          “What more do you want?” I asked throwing my arms wide. “I’m here.”

          Yesung shook his head. “Our Heechul hyung is hiding from us. It feels like you’re not real.”

          “Since that day you were never okay.” Siwon said.

          “Why are you so afraid to face it?” Leeteuk asked softly. “We’re here. We don’t mind the tears just don’t act like someone we don’t know. Do you even realize how hard it is for us to see you like this?”

          “I’m not afraid.” I said looking away.

          “Spare me with the lies.” Leeteuk said. “Fine forget about my feelings but at least think about your dongsaengs. They’ve been through so much because of you.”

          I looked at him angrily. “Do you think I don’t see what they’ve done for me? You don’t know how sorry I am to have inflicted the pain, my pain, on them.”

          “That’s why you owe it to them to at least face it.” Leeteuk said calmly. “We wanted to bad to help you but you won’t let us.”

          “Don’t shut yourself from us hyung.” Kyuhyun said.

          “I can’t face it.” I said.

          “Wae?” Shindong asked.

          “Because I’m afraid I will just lose myself again.” I said sadly. “And I can’t let you see me like that again.”

          “Why not?” Donghae asked boldly. “We’ve been there for you back then hyung. We can handle it.”

          “I promised myself not to do that again to all of you.” I said shaking my head. “I have given you enough grief to endure for a life time. I will never let you see me like that again.”

          “You can’t always deal with the pain alone.” Leeteuk said.

          “My pain is nothing compared to what she must have felt.” I smiled sadly and then I excused myself.

          I can’t have that conversation again.

          I sat inside my car, thinking.

          Yes…that’s the truth. It must have been so hard for her, living with me because of a treaty, being on the limelight she doesn’t want. It was hard for her to adjust in a life she wasn’t used to. But she never complained. She endured it well. She took it all for me but I never recognized her sacrifices up until she was gone.

          It never occurred to me before how much she must have suffered. I have never thought of her pain. I thought she was always happy. I wanted to beg for her forgiveness but where can I start looking for her?

          What makes me think that whe will even listen to me?

I let myself wonder what she’s doing right now. How long has it been? Six months? It feels like a decade to me. Everyday I see her face on my dream and when I wake up I see her pictures all over my room, imagining she’s still here. My room has been my happy world where I can imagine her still with me but when I stepped out in the real world, I’m Kim Heechul.

When I’m on the real world I know that Eun Hye isn’t mine anymore. She’s someone else’s. She’s with Hyun Joong. I should be thankful at least that she’s with him instead of another guy that I have no information about. If it is Hyun Joong then I know she will be loved.

          The way I see life now is plain and tiresome. I don’t see the girl’s faces anymore and I don’t see the happy side of life anymore. Sometimes I think they will just fire me because I am not fun anymore.

          I didn’t get the chance to tell them yet, but I plan to resign after our last comeback album. I know they won’t let me but I will have to fight for what I wanted to do because I couldn’t keep up with my life anymore. I couldn’t stay like this forever, faking my whole life.

          I started my car and went back to our dorm.

          Back to my own world…