I am a masochist.

            Wae?

            That’s because I’m still here, in Heechul’s hospital room where I felt claustrophobic and…sad. I cannot make myself leave him even though every minute hurts. Even though I have to see him laugh with So Hee, like as if I’m not here.

            Sometimes when So Hee’s not around, Leeteuk and the others will talk to him about me and make him remember. Heechul tolerated this in the first few days but soon he grew tired and every time they will try, he will get angry. I didn’t dare get close to him because every time I do, he’ll pretend to sleep.

            I guess to him. I am just an annoying fan who got close enough to his friends to make a scheme of being his fiancée. I feel like the worlds biggest antagonist in his happy world with So Hee.

            I hate that So Hee loves every minute of this.

            She even talked to me. Yes, talk to me like we’re the best pals. She said that Heechul will probably remember me and she’s doing what she can to help me. Help me.

            I had hard time believing her and keeping my hand away from her beautiful face. I can’t remember when I started having violent thoughts towards her. Maybe it’s that day when I actually heard her say something bad about me in front of Heechul when she thinks I wasn’t listening.

            Every single day I watch the two of them laugh happily. It was like watching a film where you wish a different scene is playing but in my eyes they were just a faded picture where I am not even into, completely forgotten. I don’t even know why I even bother staying but I refuse to give up…until things get rough.

            I will always end up leaving the room and crying outside.

            Today is the ninth time.

            Kyuhyun’s arms were around me. “Shh..noona. Please don’t cry.”

            “It hurts too much.” I mumbled.

            “I know.” he said.

            “We know Eun Hye…but you can’t give up.” Shindong said.

            “We’ll talk to So Hee and make her back off.” Eunhyuk added.

            I shook my head. “Heechul will be angry and…sad.”

            Yes even after all that happens, he’s what matters most to me. I choose him over myself.

            “You should start thinking about yourself.” Yesung pointed out.

            I laughed bitterly.

            “Eun Hye…” Leeteuk said and I looked at him. “There’s someone looking for you.”

            It’s Hyun Joong.

            “What are you doing here?” Kyuhyun asked. I guess he still doesn’t like him.

            “I called him.” Leeteuk said.

            “Wae?” Kyuhyun is clearly annoyed.

            “Let’s have a cup of tea, Eun Hye.” Hyun Joong said. It wasn’t an offer but an order because he knows I will say no if he asked.

            I nodded with a sigh of relief. I need to get away.

            He walked ahead of me and I silently followed him towards the hospitals coffee shop.

            Hyun Joong ordered for the both of us. I was silent all the time and I think he doesn’t mind being like this. I keep my head down trying not to think of anything about what’s been happening to my life these past few weeks.

          After a few more strained minutes, Hyun Joong placed something in front of me. I glanced up at him questioningly but he just stared back to me, his eyes sad. I took the envelope and opened it.

            I felt my eyes grew wide.

            Inside the envelope was a single plane ticket to America.

            “I should’ve given that to you a long time ago.” he said quietly, not meeting my eyes.

            “Wae…?” I asked stupidly.

            “I’ll be leaving in two days; I need to go back there. Come with me, Eun Hye.” Hyun Joong said, leaning forward as he took my hand into his. “You can start over in America.”

            I shook my head in confusion. “Hyun Joong…I can’t.”

            He backed away and released my hand. “Why am I not surprised?”

            “Mianheyo.” I looked down.

            “Aniyo.” he said shaking his head. “I know it will turn out like this. I just made an illusion in my mind that somehow you’ll accept.”

            “You’re hurting because of me.” I said tears spilling again. “Mianhe.”

            “Why can’t I hurt for you when you hurt yourself over and over because of him?” he said accusingly.

            I looked away. I couldn’t stand his pain. “It’s…different.”

            “How?” he asked with his voice dripping with frustration. “Explain to me how it is different.”

            “It’s not his fault that he can’t remember me.” I mumbled without much conviction.”

            “Don’t make excuses for him.” he glared. “If you can only see yourself.”

            “Eun Hye…you should start thinking about yourself.” Hyun Joong pleaded.

            I just shook my head. I don’t want to think anymore. I moved the envelope towards him but he didn’t take it back.

            “Keep it.” Hyun Joong said. “If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

            I nodded and excused myself.

            I found myself sitting on the stairs in the fire exit. My body is tired from all the stress and my mind kept going blank from thinking too much but more importantly…my heart is numb. Just like that numb…or is it dumb?

            Should I leave like Hyun Joong said? What about Heechul? Should I just back down and give her to So Hee? Leave everything behind? Since when did making a decision been this hard?

            Wae? Wae?? Wae?!

            I felt something vibrate in my bag. I took my out my phone and saw thirty missed calls from Ryeowook. Aniyo…almost every one of them left a message.

            “Yeoboseo?” I answered.

            “YAH, noona!” Kyuhyun’s voice answered. “Where are you?!”

            I put the phone back in my ear when Kyuhyun has calmed down. “Yah. Cho Kyuhyun, how dare you shout at me like that?”

            “We’ve been looking for you.” he said not backing down.

            “Aish~ How can you be like that…you little maknae?” I said closing my eyes for patience.

            “I’m not the one who’s been gone for almost three hours.” Kyuhyun shot back.

            “Mou? Three-three hours??” I asked and checked my phone. He’s right, I’ve been gone almost three hours. No wonder they were this worried.

            “Eun Hye?” I heard Leeteuks voice.

            “Neh?”

            “I called Hyun Joong.” Leeteuk explained. “He said you left three hours ago. Where are you? Donghae and Eunhyuk will get you.”

            “I’ll be there in five.” I assured him.

            “Gwenchana?” he asked.

            Am I? I seriously don’t know.

            “…neh.” I replied and then I hang up the phone.

            I went back to the floor where Heechul’s room is located. I took my time walking and I guess I arrived there five minutes late than I told them.

            “Aigoo, noona.” Sungmin walked over to me. “Don’t just disappear like that.”

            “Mianheyo.” I bowed. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

            I looked at Leeteuk. “Heechul-ssi…how is he?”

            “You’re not calling him oppa anymore?” Eunhyuk asked and Siwon elbowed him on the ribs.

            Leeteuk put a hand on my shoulder. “He’s okay. His wounds were almost healed now.”

            “Except for the lapse on his brain.” Kyuhyun mumbled in a corner. He received a lot of glare from that comment but I let it slide. I’m too tired to argue.

            Ryeowook took my hand. “Are you hungry? There are some fruits inside.”

            I shook my head but he led me inside anyway.

            I didn’t like what I saw once I stepped into the room. Ahn So Hee is sitting on heechul’s bed feeding him his favorite food. My insides burn, she’s making him eat when he wouldn’t even accept a peeled apple from.

            I turned around, not wanting to see, to go straight outside where the air is cleaner and less suffocating.

            “Unnie.” So Hee called after me. “You came.”

            I closed my eyes. Counted from one to ten and turned to look at her.

            “Neh.” I plastered a small smiled on my lips not meeting Heechul’s eyes. Even though I know he’s looking at me. I’m afraid to look into them because it was not me he sees anymore. I’m afraid I’ll only cry.

            “Are you leaving soon?” she asked in her innocent voice.

            “Umm… I’m just about to leave.” I said and bowed.

            Heechul sat up on his bed. “Don’t you want to eat before you leave?”

            Despite my whirlwind feelings right now, I looked at him. “M-mou?”

            “You must be hungry.” Heechul said. “Why don’t you eat before you leave?”

            I frowned at him completely frozen. What’s wrong with him? Why is he talking to me so suddenly?

            Ryeowook must have felt my discomfort because instead of getting the fruits he grabbed his coat and turned to me.

            “I’ll take you home, noona.” Ryeowook said.

            I was about to follow him outside when So Hee speak up again. “Unnie, can I talk to you for a second?”

            “Noona is tired.” Ryeowook said. “I should get her home.”

            “This won’t take long.” So Hee smiled up to him.

            I sighed. She’s not going to let me go. “I’ll meet you outside, Ryeowook.”

            He obeyed reluctantly as I gave him a small smile. I faced So Hee as she led me to the other side of the room where Heechul can see us but will be unable to hear our conversation.

            “I shouldn’t keep Wookie waiting that long.” I said. “What is it you wanted to talk about?”

            So Hee took my hand. “Unnie, I talked to Heechul oppa this morning…about you. He’s having a hard time accepting your relationship with him so I told him that you’re a really close friend to him.”

            “Mou?” I asked blankly.

            “I promised you that I will help you.” So Hee said calmly. “Unnie, I think you’ll be by his side if you stay friends with him for a while. You can’t push him right now, so I guess being a friend to him will do for now.”

            I stared at her with the rage going on my mind.

            Push him? I’m the one pushing him? How can she speak to me like this like as if she has done me a great favor?

            “Unnie, you should take things slowl—.“ So Hee said but I cut her off my voice colder than ever.

            “Ahn So Hee.” I said and she stared at me. I wanted to snatch my hand away from her but I let her hold on to me. I don’t want to make a scene in front of Heechul. “Listen to me.”

            “Neh?” she asked nervously.

            “Stop it.” I said holding her gaze. “Whatever you’re doing, stop it. I’ve had enough of your games. Do you think I’m stupid? I know that you’re having the time of your life now that Heechul is back in your arms. I thought that I could trust you again, but I’m wrong.”

            “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” she replied releasing my hand. “I’m trying to help you.”

            “I’ve have enough of your lies.” I said shaking my head. “Do you think I don’t know what you’re telling him when I’m not around? You can tell him every single lie so that you can have him back but Ahn So Hee, I will not let you take me down.”

            So Hee glared at me. “You will be the one who’s sorry.”

            “Wae?” I laughed bitterly.

            “You should be thankful because I am doing you favor.” So Hee said folding her arms.

            “Thank you…but next time don’t even bother.” I smiled coldly.

            I turned around to leave but her highness won’t stop. “It’s not my fault that he can’t remember you.”

            “Am I blaming you for that, huh?” I glared at her.

            “You don’t understand.” she said shaking her head. “This is my only chance to bring back my image to him, before the time when Heechul oppa was angry at me. Those time when he used to smile at me.”

            I smiled at her. “You’re right. I can’t blame you. I can’t blame you for being so desperate because I know you know in the back if your mind that when he remembers everything he will not be happy with you anymore.”

            “M-mou? Mourago?” So Hee asked, her face getting red.

            “You should enjoy this while he’s still in the dark.” I replied. “You should know him better than me. No one messes with Kim Heechul.”

            “So Hee-ah. Eun Hye.” Heechul called from his bed. “Is everything okay?”

            I looked at him and bowed. “I’ll be leaving, Heechul-ssi.”

            I went outside and I feel like I have been run over by a bull. I couldn’t meet their eyes.

            “What does So Hee wants this time?” Shindong asked irritatedly.

            Sungmin stood up from where he was sitting with a determined expression on his face. “I will talk to her.”

            I blocked him and held up both my hands towards him. “Don’t get yourself in to this trouble Sungmin.”

            “But Eun Hye…” Sungmin protested.

            “I’m so tired of drama.” I said weakly. “Please…just don’t.”

            I turned to leave.

            “I’ll take you home, noona.” Ryeowook said.

            “I’ll go home by myself.” I said shaking my head. “I need to be alone.”

            I need to breathe.