Junhyung’s POV

I gasped and looked at her with wide eyes. I was kidding about Haneul wanting us to kill ourselves with Jace but never did I expect it to come true.

“SKYE! ARE YOU CRAZY!?” Jace yelled.

Haneul turned to Jace.

“Don’t worry. He wouldn’t die alone. Here’s yours.” She said, handing him another pocketknife.

Jace and I stared at each other, not knowing what to do.

“I hate the both of you so much.” Haneul muttered as she stormed out of the room.

I grabbed onto her hand but she pushed me away.

“Are you okay?” Jace asked as he caught me.

I nodded.

“Sit down. I’ll go after her.” He said.

I shook my head. How could I let him go after her? She is my wife.

I grabbed the crutches from the side. I had no idea how to work that thing, so I just did it in a way I think it should work. But it was obviously the wrong way because how is it possible that I get so tired just walking a few steps.

I looked around the corridor but no sight of her. I was practically dragging myself around the ward until I found her sitting on the bench somewhere far from where my room is, hugging her knees with her head buried into them.

I sat down beside her and tried to catch my breath. Walking like this was more tiring and difficult that playing soccer. She looked up and rolled her eyes when she saw me. I caught her arm before she could walk off.

“Ple…ase.” I managed to force out.

She pushed my hand away, but sat back down.

“What are you doing here? I thought I asked you to kill yourself? Did you think I was kidding with you?” She asked.

I shook my head.

“Then, are my words something you can simply ignore?” She asked.

I shook my head again.

“I.. am sor..ry.” I said.

“Sorry? You say this all the time, Junhyung ah~ If you’re so sorry, then why do you keep doing this to me!?” She shouted.

“You didn’t promise me a life like this, Junhyung! You promised me a life where I can be at peace, but instead you’re giving me the opposite! I clearly married a musician, not a secret agent! But why do I feel so uneasy every day? Why is that every single day I have to worry whether you would come home alive or not? Why?” She asked.

I looked at her, not knowing what to say.

“I’m very tired of this, Junhyung. I really am. Every time the phone ring, I freak out. Do you know? When I don’t see you, how scared I am? I’m worrying so much I think I might be going crazy soon. Just look at me! Look at how I have become! My dark circles, my skin, my hair, my body, my clothes, everything looks crappy! I am not supposed to look like that!” She yelled, burying her face into her palms and cried.

I went forward to hug her, but she pushed me away as though my touch disgusted her.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!!!” She screamed.

“I’m not supposed to be like this. Look at what you did to me. I never worried about a thing. I was more optimistic than pessimistic. My life was never like that but look at what you done!! Why did you turn me into someone like that? Why did you have to make me worry for you on a daily basis!?” She cried.

“I’m very, very tired, Junhyung. I don’t like this life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying for you. Why can’t you give me peace? Why are you not delivering what you promised? You said I could spend the rest of my life not worrying about a thing. I expect my life to be filled with massages, facials, shopping and happiness, but look at it now! Where are the massages? Where are the facials? Where is the shopping!? I cannot even go out with my friends with a peaceful heart because of you!” She shouted as she hit me.

“I can’t sleep or eat well without knowing you are safe! Why do you keep doing this to me? Even Ji Eun and Tae Hyun and even Loki don’t give me so much worry! Why? Why? Why, Junhyung ah? Why? Why can’t you just keep yourself safe? Why do you always do things that put your life in danger? Your life may not be important to you but it is very important to me! Is losing Loki not enough? Is almost losing you not enough? You promised never to put be through this crap again but why do you always break your promise and why do I always trust you over and over again despite knowing nothing would change!? What have you done to me!?” She collapsed onto the floor, bawling her eyes out.

“I hate you. I hate you. Just because I don’t say anything does not mean I am not scared, does not mean I am not worried. I don’t worry you like that, so why do you keep doing this to me? Huh? Is it because I am quiet about it so you think you can bully me?” She cried as I pulled her into my embrace.

I am sorry, Haneul ah. I did not know I brought you so much pain. I am sorry for not thinking about you whenever I do something. You never opposed my actions, therefore I thought it was okay. I did not know you were bottling up so much unhappiness inside. I am sorry~

“Sorry.” I said after she calmed down.

“Don’t apologize, Junhyung. I don’t want to hear it. Your ‘sorry’ holds no value other than the definition itself. If you are really sorry, then show it to me.” She said.

I held onto her hand, and this time she did not push me away.

“I…” She stopped me before I could continue.

“Don’t speak. The doctor said the cut is deep and speaking will hurt the wound.” She said.

“Let me… say one thing.” I said.

She looked at me.

“I… lo..ve you.” I said with much difficulties.

She looked at me with no expression.

“Show it to me instead.” She said.

I lowered my head.

“This is the last time I am going to forgive you, Junhyung. This is the last warning. The next time…” She said.

I looked up at her when she stopped talking.

“The next time, I’m going to get a divorce.” She said.

Her expression was serious. She was not joking this time. She meant what she said. You’re so dead, Yong Junhyung.

“Because I cannot stand it anymore. You have a desire to get yourself killed, but I don’t have the desire to stick around and watch. I cannot, alright? I’m sorry I cannot live up to the marriage vows. I realize those were just bull because when really happens, I freak out. I ought to get used to your one-way ticket to the arms of death kind of attempts but no. I still get ing scared all the time. I want to be with you. With all my heart, I want to stick with you till death do us part, but you’re making it very hard for me, Junhyung. How is it that I can stay on and watch you die? I can’t do it.” She said

“Should I give you a taste of your own medicine? How would you feel if you were in my shoes? If one day I suddenly decide that the most appropriate way to save a kid from the lion’s den is to walk straight into the den and wrestle the lion. And then you stay outside and watch me do it. Can you?” She asked.

“I know that everything you do, you do it for the love of your friends. You’re very kind-hearted and caring. You want the best for them. I understand everything you do. I really do. But can you stop being so nice at the expense of your life? We’re married, Junhyung. We have kids. You’re not single anymore. Could you spare a thought for us before you embark on another similar attempt like this? I may be able to withstand news like this now because I am not that old yet, but when I am 50? 60? 70? I might just die of a heart attack instantly.” She said.

“I love you, Junhyung. While other people need you, please remember that I need you too. The kids need you. Is it so difficult to just not put your life in danger? Huh? Am I asking something very ridiculous from you?” She asked.

I shook my head.

“But you can’t do it, right? You just can’t.” She said softly.

I pulled her into my arms, hugging her.

“I’m serious, Junhyung. This is my last warning for you. Do this again and I’ll leave. I’ll take the kids and go somewhere far away where I would have no access to information on you. Because only like this can I forever live in the illusion that you are well and alive even thou if you have gotten yourself killed.” She said.

I buried my face into her chest and cried. For Haneul to say something like that to me, have I pushed her to her limits already?

“Let’s go.” She said, wiping my tears with her palms before helping me up.

She helped me back to the room. Jace was still there. He looked at me, as though trying to ask through his eyes how was everything. I shrugged my shoulders. I really did not know.

“Erm.. Skye..” He called out timidly.

“Where’s my knife?” She asked.

He handed it back to her. She refused the one she passed to me when I handed it back to her.

“Keep it.” She said.

“I’ll send you back.” She turned to Jace.

“I can go back on my own. You don’t have to make two trips.” He said.

“Who said I am coming back? Rest well, Junhyung. Let’s go, Jace.” She said.

She grabbed her bag and headed straight out, not even taking another glance at me. Jace looked at me worriedly before hurrying out.

Haneul is really upset this time. No goodbye kiss, no insisting on staying, no patting me to sleep, no tucking me into bed, no whispering of sweet nothings into my ear. I never knew how precious all these gestures from her were until she gave me none at all. Will I ever get all those from her again? Do I even deserve it?

***
Haneul: Don’t apologize, Junhyung. I don’t want to hear it. Your ‘sorry’ holds no value other than the definition itself. If you are really sorry, then show it to me.

Haneul: The next time, I’m going to get a divorce.

Haneul: Who said I am coming back? Rest well, Junhyung. Let’s go, Jace.