Haneul’s POV

I walked into the café and looked around for the familiar face.

“Haneul!” I heard the voice call out.

I turned and smiled at him.

“Hi.” I said, sitting down.

“Can I get you something to drink?” He asked.

“Erm…” I stared at the menu.

“Green tea latte? Iced?” He asked.

“How did you know?” I asked, surprised that he knew what I wanted.

“Hyung talks a lot about you. He is such a show off.” He said with a half smile.

“Ahhh~” I smiled.

Junsung called me and asked that if it was convenient to meet up as he had something important to tell me. I was hesitant at first, but he sounded desperate, so I agreed.

“Here.” He said, handing me the drink.

“Thanks.” I said, handing him the money.

“Are you crazy? You’re my sister-in-law.” He said, refusing the money.

Sister-in-law~ I smiled slightly.

“Can I still… call you that?” He asked softly, looking down.

“Why not?” I asked.

He smiled, sipping on his drink. We were awkwardly silent for a while, until I broke it.

“So… you said you wanted to tell me something important?” I asked.

He nodded.

“What is it?” I asked.

He looked down, not saying anything.

“Junsung, what is it?” I asked again.

He took out a piece of folded paper from his bag and handed it to me.

“Read it first.” He said.

I looked at him, confused, but did as I was told.

Junsung ah, my baby brother,

It’s hyung. I tried to think when was the last time I wrote you a letter, and then I realized, I never had. Junsung, have I ever told you how important you are to me? You’re very important, my baby brother. Yes, baby brother. No matter how old you are, whether you are married with three kids or not, in my eyes, you’ll always be my baby brother.

I know I always say mean things to you and show you close to zero affection. It’s pride. Stupid pride. Every time you jump on my back, hug me or kiss me, I feel really glad inside, do you know? It’s like, wah~ even at this age, my brother is not afraid to show the world he loves me. I envy the fact you could show your affection to others so easily. I wish I could do the same.

Junsung, I want you to know that although I don’t show it, I love you very, very much.

I don’t always ask favours from you, right? Would you do me one this time? I promise it’ll be the last one. Help me take very good care of your sister-in-law, niece and nephew. Please? I would be very grateful to you. I don’t see a reason to hide it from you. I let Haneul down. I did something very monstrous to her and hurt her badly. I don’t deserve her, neither do I deserve to be alive.

I am proud to have you as my brother, and I am sorry such a horrible person like me had to be your brother. You deserve better. In my next life, if you don’t mind, I would like to be your brother again, and by then, I promise I’ll shower you with a lot of affections and be the brother you could look up to.

Please be happy.If you get married, love and respect your wife no matter what happens. Never doubt your friends. Do not do anything that you know will only bring you temporary happiness, for the guilt is really… too much to bear.

I love you, Junsung. Tell mom and dad I love them too. My time spent with them as their son was short, but memorable. Tell them that I am thankful to have them as my parents. Tell them that I am sorry I could not repay them for bringing me up. If life permits, if they don’t mind, in my next life, I hope to be their son again.

♥,
Yong Jaesoon

I stared at Junsung, tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Junhyung…” I muttered.

“I received this letter, and at the same time, a lot of money was transferred to my account. I was shocked at first, but after reading, I guess it was hyung.” He said.

I could not speak. Is Junhyung dead? Did he kill himself?

“Junhyung…” I cried.

“I’m so sorry, Haneul. For what hyung did. I know I should not be asking you this, but please, please, please forgive him. I’ll do anything for you. Hyung is regretting. He is very guilty. Please forgive him!” He cried, getting down on his knees out of a sudden.

Everyone in the café turned to look at us.

“Please forgive hyung! Please! He did not mean what he did! He is having a very hard time now! Please forgive him, Haneul. Please. He made one terrible mistake, but he did many right things in the years of your relationship with him, didn’t he? He doesn’t deserve to die. Please!” He hugged my knees, begging me as he cried.

“Get up! What are you doing!?” I pulled him up, but he refused.

“Please!” He buried his face into my lap, crying badly.

I hugged him, his back as we cried together.

“Please~” He kept mumbling.

“Get up.” I said.

He eventually did. The whole café was staring at us, but that was not the most important point now.

“Here.” I said, handing him tissue to wipe his tears.

“Hyung attempted suicide.” He said.

My heart ached, literally. But if Junsung said ‘attempted’, does that mean Junhyung is still alive?

“I called him the moment I finished the letter. I called him so many times but he canceled my call. I continued calling while driving around in hope to find him. He finally answered my call. I don’t know if it was because he found me irritating or he decided he needed to talk to someone. Whatever it is, he answered my call. I think he was drunk at that point of time. He was giggling, and he even told me where he was when I asked.” He said.

I dug my nails into my palms to calm myself as I listened to him.

“He was in a hotel room, not far from where you guys live. When I found him..” His voice trailed off and he started crying.

I let him cry. I was crying myself.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized after calming down.

“When I found him… he was fully submerged into a bathtub full of water with both side of his wrists cut.” He said.

My eyes widened.

“No…” I muttered.

“And if you are wondering how I got in, the door wasn't fully closed. I guess while hyung wanted very much to end his life, he wanted to be saved too. Anyway, I pulled him out immediately. I was lost between reviving him or stopping the bleeding. I don’t know how I did it. I don’t remember. It was blurry, the entire scene. But he woke up, and vomited all over himself. The first thing he said when he opened his eyes and saw me was ‘Why are you here? You’re not supposed to be here. You are not supposed to be dead. I am.’” He said.

“I bashed him up while screaming at him. Then it hit me, hyung is alive, why am I still scolding him? So I hugged him, and broke down together with him. After all the drama, I cleaned him up and dressed his wounds. I was so scared to leave his side I called room service for the first aid kit instead of going out to get it myself. I never thought it would be so scary; witnessing the one you love die. Rather, I never thought it would happen to me.” He continued.

I buried my face in my palms. I could picture the whole scene. It was horrible.

“Hyung was reluctant to tell me what happened at first. He just kept saying he had to die, he had to die. It hurt so much hearing those words from him. Even now when I think back, I still cannot help but cry. He finally poured the whole story out to me. I bashed him up again. I hauled vulgarities at him and said really nasty things. And then, out of a sudden, he knelt down. I thought he wanted to beg me to forgive him, but instead… he pleaded for me to let him die.” He said, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I’ve never seen hyung so guilty before. Scratch that, I’ve never seen anyone looking so guilty before. That night, I hugged him to sleep. One, I was afraid that he would kill himself when I was asleep, and secondly, he needed it. It was written all over his face. When I woke up the next morning, he was already up. He had that eerie blank look on his face. He looks like he was dead, except for the fact he was still breathing. Then he said… ‘Junsung ah, help me.’” He said.

“Where is he now?” I asked.

“Rehab. He sent himself there. After he asked for me to help him, I told him no one can help him but himself, and then I left. I was half prepared to receive a call from the police telling me they found hyung’s body, but instead I received a SMS from hyung. He only sent me an address.” He said, showing me the SMS.

“He is there now?” I asked.

He nodded.

“If it’s not too much for you, would you go and pay hyung a visit? He’s having a very hard time, and I know this sounds selfish, but hyung needs you.” He said.

“Junsung, honestly, I am not angry with Junhyung. There’s no such thing as being able to forgive him or not because there’s no anger, so there’s nothing to forgive. But I’m disappointed. I’m upset. I can’t bring myself to face him, at least not yet.” I said.

He nodded but looked really upset.

“But hyung…” He muttered.

“This may sound really mean, but he deserves all the guilt he is feeling right now. He deserves to have a hard time.” I said.

“How could say that!?” He frowned.

“Because I can.” I said, getting up.

“HYUNG LOVES YOU!!!” He shouted.

“And do I not love him!?” I yelled back before leaving.

Honestly, I never thought Junhyung would send himself into rehab. I thought he would probably hide himself from the world for a few years, wasting his life away until someone finds him. I guess Junhyung has really woken up this time, and I am so proud of him. Junhyung, one day I’ll come to you, but until then, please be strong. 

***
Why did no one think of Junsung?

Hahaha no cookies for you~

Intrinsic motivation means motivation that comes from inside of an individual, where him/her does something because they want to and not because they could get anything out of it or someone made them do it. It's said to be the most successful form of motivation. And this is exactly what Junhyung is doing by sending himself into rehab. He wants to be well again, not for anyone else but himself. But it's going to be a lonely process for him the fact no one is there to support him.