Junhyung’s POV

“Appa, is he your friend?” Tae Hyun asked.

“Huh? Oh.. Erm.. Yea.. Guess so.” I muttered.

“Why does he look sad?” He asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe he misses his family.” I said.

“Oh.” He puckered his lips.

“Shall we go?” I asked, pinching his lips lightly.

“Piggyback!” He grinned.

“Anything for you.” I said, getting down on my knees so he could climb onto my back.

“Go play.” I said, letting him down when we arrived.

I went to join the others who were watching the kids at the side.

“Where’s Seungho hyung and Minji?” I asked.

“They went to the car to get something.” Kikwang said.

“But it’s been a long time. Maybe they were trying to you know… get Minki a sibling.. or what..” Dongwoon said cheekily.

“Stupid maknae!” I laughed, throwing a handful of grass at him.

“Aye hyung! I know you’re thinking of something like that too!” He said.

“I’m unlike you. Where’s Jace then?” I asked.

“Oh, that I don’t know. He mumbled something like he was going to look for someone or something, then he went off.” He answered.

“Oh.” I nodded.

“Are you really doing okay here, hyung?” Kikwang asked.

“Yes. Do I look ‘not okay’?” I asked.

He shook his head, smiling slightly.

“How about you guys? Is the company and everyone giving you all a hard time?” I asked, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“Nothing we cannot handle.” Doojoon said, squeezing my shoulder.

“Have you all.. found a replacement rapper?” I asked softly.

“What did you say?” Doojoon asked, his expression changed.

“Replacement… rapper.” I muttered, looking down.

“Owww~” I whined when he smacked me hard on my arm.

“What was that for?” I asked, clutching onto my arm.

It was the kind of pain that hits you right into your nerves.

“What are you talking about, huh? Replacement rapper? Replacement? REPLACEMENT!?” He yelled into my face.

“Calm down! What’s wrong with you!?” I asked, surprised by his actions.

“How can you say something like that, hyung?” Dongwoon said timidly.

I turned to look at him.

“We fought so hard to keep you. Doojoon hyung especially. How can you talk about replacement?” Kikwang said.

I turned to Doojoon who was fuming.

“There were so many times Doojoon hyung argued with the people who were against keeping you in Beast. He handwrote reasons and dug out everything positive you did and threw them into their faces. He went from begging to getting angry and then breaking down. He did so much. We were all trying to protect you, no doubt, but Doojoon hyung’s will to keep you in Beast was the strongest. How could you talk about replacement?” Yoseob said.

“You want to be replaced that badly?” Doojoon asked finally.

“N.. no. I… I just… Don’t wish to.. pull Beast down.” I said softly.

“THEN ING GET WELL AND GET OUT OF HERE SO YOU CAN JOIN US BACK ON STAGE!” He shouted.

I stared at him, not knowing what to say.

“But if you want to be replaced so badly, fine. So be it.” He said, pulling out his phone.

“Doojoon ah, what are you doing!?” Hyunseung asked, wide eyes.

“I’m just fulfilling his wish.” Doojoon said.

“Yah, yah! Don’t be crazy! Don’t do something that you’ll regret! Junhyung don’t mean it that way! Yah!” Hyunseung said, trying to snatch the phone away from Doojoon.

“TELL ME AGAIN WHY DID I SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THIS IDIOT HERE!?” Doojoon shouted, throwing his phone at me.

“Right. Because I love him like he is my brother. My mothering brother.” He said before walking off.

“Are you just going to stand here!?” Hyunseung shouted at me.

“No.” I muttered before running off after Doojoon.

“What’s going on?” Seungho asked.

“Hyung, I’m a mothering idiot.” I said.

“I know.” He said with a chuckle.

***
I found Doojoon on the rooftop, sitting dangerously on the parapet.

“Doojoon~” I called out as I neared him.

He turned, and then rolled his eyes and looked back out. His eyes were red, perhaps from crying.

“It’s dangerous there.” I said.

“Why do you care?” He asked.

“Of course I care.” I said.

He said nothing, except shake his head.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized.

“For what? You did nothing wrong.” He said.

“I did. I did everything wrong. I’m sorry. I…” I said.

“Go away, Junhyung ah~ I want to be alone.” He said.

“I’ll go away, but not now.” I said.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know the effort you put in…” He cut me off with his glare before I could finish.

“Wh.. what?” I asked.

“You don’t get it, don’t you?” He asked.

“I get it.” I said.

“NO, YOU DON’T! YOU DON’T GET WHY I AM SO UPSET! YOU DON’T GET WHY I AM CRYING! YOU DON’T! YOU BLOODY MORON!” He shouted.

My eyes widened as he shouted. I was so afraid he would fall off the parapet and plunge to his death.

“Could you please come down before you get agitated? You sitting up there and screaming your lungs out is scaring the out of me.” I pleaded.

He sighed and buried his face into his palms.

“Doojoon, please.” I said.

I breathe a sigh of relief when he got off the parapet.

“Thank you.” I said.

He said nothing, but pushed passed me and walked off. I followed behind him, trying hard to catch up with his big steps. Doojoon is a fast walker to start with, but his speed increases when he gets angry.

“Could you slow down?” I asked, out of breath.

“WHY DO YOU KEEP WANTING ME TO DO THINGS THAT YOU WANT ME TO DO!?” He shouted, eyes raging with anger.

“I just…” I muttered, shocked by his outburst.

“I want to talk.” I said.

“Talk about what? What’s there to talk about? You’ve made your point clear. You want to be replaced.” He said.

“I don’t want to be replaced! I just don’t want to pull the whole group down.” I defended.

“You want to know the reason behind my anger? You want to know why I am hurting? Just think about your sentence. Think so ing hard.” He said.

“Is it wrong to not want to pull the group down?” I asked.

“Nothing is wrong. But everything is wrong when you called Beast a group!” He yelled.

“Huh?” I asked, confused.

“Beast, to me, is and will never be a group. Beast is my family, and when family is involved, there’s no such thing as pulling me or you down, because it’s either we all rise together or we all fall together. There’s no such thing as a replacement because we cannot replace our family and even if we could, we wouldn’t. That’s my definition of family. Perhaps it’s different from yours. I don’t know. But hearing you call Beast a group, it so ing hurts. I’ve never felt so hurt in my life. Thank you, Yong Junhyung. Now I know what it feels like.” He said.

I froze at his statement. Why am I always phrasing words in such a terrible manner?

“This is not what I mean… You know how horrible I am when it comes to expressing myself. Why are you bullying me like that?” I asked.

“I’m bullying you? You are ing making me cry!” He said, tears flowing uncontrollably.

“Beast is my family, of course. And as family, I don’t want to see you guys suffer because of me.” I said.

“But isn’t that all about being a family? We go through good times and bad times together. If we only have one orange, we’ll share it and although some of us may love oranges to death, sharing it wouldn’t make us upset because while we love oranges a lot we love our family more.” He said.

“It’s really not about the effort, you know. I would do it all over again if I have to. I don’t mind going on my knees , I don’t mind not eating and sleeping, I really don’t mind all these! Even if I hated you, I would do it still. But you called Beast a group…” He said, looking as thou he might burst into tears again.

I hugged him tightly.

“I’m sorry. I’m such a motherer I don’t know how to speak properly. When I get out, the first thing I’ll do is to apply for the ‘How to speak so you wouldn’t make people you love burst into tears’ course. Okay?” I said.

“Is there such a course?” He asked.

“I don’t know. But I’ll look for it. Maybe it’s called ‘How to not be a motherer’. Who knows.” I said.

He laughed and punched me on my arm.

“Can you punch my left arm instead? I write with my right, you know.” I said.

“Do I care?” He asked.

“Of course you have to. If I lose the ability to use my right arm, how am I going to write lyrics for Beast?” I asked.

“Then go apply for the course called ‘How to write with other parts of your body apart from your hands’.” He said.

“Okay, I’ll look that up too.” I said.

He laughed and put his arm around my shoulders.

“Did you really lose sleep and meals for me?” I asked.

He looked at me, frowning.

“Why do you look fatter then?” I .

“YONG JUNHYUNG!!!!!!!!!!!!” He screamed.

I ran for my life. I never knew I could run so well. But like they say, when your life is put in danger, you realize things about yourself you never realized in the past. One of it for me is, running.

 ***
While we were on our way back, I saw Jace walking to the group.

“I’ll be back.” I said to Doojoon.

“Where are you going?” He asked.

“To talk to Jace.” I said before running off.

“Hey!” I caught Jace’s arm.

I felt him jump a little.

“Sorry I scared you.” I said.

“What do you mean by ‘scared me’? I don’t get scared so easily.” He said.

“Right.” I smiled.

“Why aren’t you spending time with them?” He asked.

“I want to talk to you.” I said.

“About?” He asked, leaning against the pillar, arms crossed.

“I’m sorry for….” He raised his hand to stop me.

“Don’t apologize.” He said.

“But..” I muttered.

“Yes, I was angry. But the fact I am here now means I’m over it.” He said.

“Is this another way of getting back at me?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“All of you, not getting angry, forgiving me, it’s another way of getting back, am I right? To make me feel guiltier.” I said.

“Uh oh. You found out.” He said.

“So I am right?” I asked.

“Of course not!” He smacked my head.

“Baby boy,” He said, cupping my cheeks hard.

“We all make mistakes. Some mistakes may be graver than another, but a mistake is a mistake. You showed signs of repentance, and that’s enough for me, for us. I want to hate you. I try hard to hate you. But I realize, I can’t. When one person makes a mistake, it is not the person’s fault alone. There are many contributing factors to it, and not being able to spot your problem in time and give you the appropriate help when you needed it was our mistake. But you’re the only one paying the price for it. Who is guiltier?” He asked.

“But I…” I muttered.

“Perhaps the only one you should feel really guilty for receiving forgiveness from is Haneul.” He said, letting go of my cheeks.

“That girl is acting in a way I never thought she would act before for one sole reason only.” He continued.

I looked at him quizzically.

“And that, is her love for you.” He said, poking my chest.

“Is she… doing okay?” I asked.

“Do you think she’ll be okay?” He asked.

I looked down.

“Of course she’s okay. She’s Haneul.” He laughed.

“Right. She’s Haneul.” I sighed.

“She’s working a lot, but that’s her way of recovering. Haneul doesn’t hate you. She isn’t here simply because she isn’t ready. But one day she’ll come and give you a surprise. You know how she enjoys giving surprises to people, be it in a good way or bad.” He said.

I nodded.

“So don’t think too much. Focus on recovering. Haneul may not be here, but she knows everything that’s going on. She’s amazing like that.” He said.

I laughed, totally understanding what he meant. Haneul is like psychic at times. She just knows everything.

“Have the kids been coping well?” I asked.

“They are staying with me now. When Haneul comes back, they go back home with her. It’s like in the past all over again. They sulk at times. You know how kids suddenly want their parents. But they are understanding. An ice cream treat or a trip to the amusement park would be enough to put a smile on their faces again.” He said.

“Thank you, Jace.” I said.

“Thank you for what? They’re my kids too.” He said.

“Everything.” I said.

“What can I do about it when you’re my baby boy?” He poked my cheek.

“Eat more. You lost weight, again.” He said.

“I’m not losing weight.” I said.

“Yes, you are.” He said, poking my stomach.

“Stop it!” I laughed, trying to dodge his hand.

“How about… no?” He asked, continuing to poke me.

***
The phrase ‘time flies when you’re having fun’ proves itself more obviously in times like this. It was night and they had to go. I tried to hide my unhappiness but I could not help but show it when Ji Eun and Tae Hyun did not let go of me when we hugged.

“Don’t be like this.” I said, coaxing them.

“No. No!” Ji Eun stamped her feet, hugging me tighter.

“You could always come again. Or.. Appa will get better faster and go back out.” I said.

“No!!!!!” She cried, punching my chest with her small fists.

“NO!! NO!!!! NO!!!!” She kicked me.

“Stop it, Ji Eun! How can you hurt your Appa like this!? Be understanding!” Jace scolded, wanting to pull her away but I stopped him.

“It’s okay.” I said to him as I let Ji Eun vent her anger on me.

“I DON’T WANT TO BE UNDERSTANDING! I DON’T WANT!!” She yelled as she hit me.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“I DON’T WANT ‘I’M SORRY’ APPA! I JUST WANT YOU TO COME HOME WITH US!!! Ji Eun misses both Umma and you!!!” She cried, falling onto her knees.

I felt so bad seeing her like this.

“Shhh~” I pulled her into my embrace, caressing her back lightly.

She had been very smiley all day. I cannot help but wonder if it was just all a cover. Tae Hyun’s cheekiness from the day disappeared too. He was back to his withdrawn and quiet self, burying his face into Yoseob’s chest.

The adults looked away, perhaps not wanting to witness such a heartbreaking scene.

I held Ji Eun in my arms, rocking her gently as I whispered comforting words into her ears. How ironic of me to even try comfort her when I was not even feeling comforted myself. She eventually fell asleep, perhaps tired from the crying and bottled up unhappiness. I put her to lay down on Jace’s lap in the car.

“I love you.” I whispered into her ear before kissing her on her cheek.

“She’ll be okay.” Jace said, patting my cheek.

I nodded, then turned to Tae Hyun who was avoiding my gaze. I hugged him and kissed him on his forehead.

“I wouldn’t ask you to be strong just because you’re Ji Eun’s oppa. Tae Hyun, you can break down, throw a tantrum and get angry too. It’s okay.” I said.

He punched me across my cheek and punched my stomach countless times. To say I was not surprised by his actions would be a lie, but I deserved his anger, didn’t I?

“I’m sorry.” He pouted, looking down.

“What did they feed you? When did you become so strong?” I , rubbing my stomach.

“If you are going to continue to pout like that, I’m going to kiss your lips.” I said.

My eyes widened when he kissed me on my lips instead. Tae Hyun never liked it when we kissed him on his lips. But Haneul and I, being very annoying parents, love to by doing it.

“Oh… Haa~” I smiled stupidly.

“Appa, take care. Tae Hyun will miss you a lot.” He said, hugging me tightly.

“You take care and be a good boy too. No, scratch that. Just be a normal boy; the kind who throws a tantrum and creates a lot of chaos.” I said.

He grinned and messed up my hair.

“Is this a start?” I asked.

He nodded.

“I’ll see you soon.” I said.

“When is soon?” He asked.

“Baby, you know I don’t have an answer for you.” I said.

He nodded.

“I don’t know when but it’ll be soon. Okay?” I said.

“I’ll wait then.” He said.

“Go on.” I said, after giving him a final peck on his cheek.

I hugged the boys and thank them for coming.

 “Hyung, we’ll be waiting for you.” Kikwang said.

“Stop getting injured.” I said.

“Can I drink your Coke?” Dongwoon asked.

“What do you think?” I asked.

He pouted uglily.

“Drink all you want, as long as you stop doing that.” I pointed to his lips.

“Hyung is the best!” He hugged me tightly.

“Idiot~” I laughed.

“Don’t get into trouble huh~” Hyunseung said, pointing an accusing finger at me.

“I’m not.” I mumbled.

“I’m just kidding. Don’t let people bully you like how you allow those people to bully you back in school days. We don’t care about our reputation. We only care about your wellbeing.” He said.

I smiled, nodding.

“I’ve got nothing to say to you. Just… take care and be well. I can’t wait for you to be back. I miss supper days with you. And you promised me another album, remember?” Yoseob said.

“Did I?” I asked, genuinely surprised.

“No. I made that up. But you promised me supper.” He said.

“I’ll buy you supper, and produce you another album. You have my word.” I said.

“Yay!” He jumped onto me.

“Take care, and if you talk about replacement again…” Doojoon said.

“Ugh~” I choked when he punched me hard in my stomach.

How many punches do I have to endure today?

“That… hurts.” I muttered.

“It’s meant to hurt. Only like that you’ll remember.” He said.

“Fine.” I pouted.

“Remember to watch Iris huh~” He poked me.

“So that was your main message.” I .

“Oh no! You found out!” He covered his mouth dramatically. Actor Yoon indeed~

I turned to Minji who hugged me even before I could move my feet. Seungho hyung stared at me dangerously.

“I…” I tried to explain myself.

However, his stare turned into an eye-smile, as thou saying ‘I am mocking you, idiot’.

“Take care.” She said.

“You too, and Seungho hyung.” I said.

She rolled her eyes.

“Why am I always having to take care of him and everyone else? When is someone going to take care of me then?” She asked.

I did not expect an answer like that honestly.

“I don’t mean it that way. I mean.. You take care of him, and he take care of you. I..” I did not know how to express myself. I guess I really need to attend a course that teaches me how to speak properly.

“Don’t mind her. She’s tired.” Seungho hyung said as he hugged me.

“I have yet to make it up to her.” He said.

“What did you do?” I asked.

“Long story. Partly your fault.” He said.

“Me again?” I asked.

He laughed and smacked my arm.

“Take care. And the next time you hug my wife, I’ll break your bones.” He said.

“But I… She…” I was loss for words.

“Ah ah? I.. I.. She.. What? Stutter~” He teased me.

“Forget it.” I grumbled.

“Just teasing you~ You know how cute you look when you are angry like that.” He laughed, shaking me.

‘It sounds very disgusting come from you.” I said.

“I know. That’s why I like to say it.” He stuck his tongue out.

“Whatever. Whatever. Drive safely.” I said.

I looked down when I felt a tug on my finger.

“Yes, Minki?” I asked, squatting down to her level.

“I looooooooooooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu~” She said, leaving a salivary kiss on my cheek.

“Aigoooooooo~ I love you too~” I hugged her tightly.

She squashed my cheeks before patting me on my head with honestly quite a bit of strength before running to her daddy.

“Take care guys.” I pouted.

They nodded and waved goodbye before getting into the car. None of them turned to say goodbye again, neither did I. I turned my back and walked in quickly. I was afraid that if I would linger there longer, I would not be able to control myself.

While walking back, I caught sight of him at the corner, looking at me. He seemed a little shocked when our eyes met. His gaze turned cold, and then he showed me the finger before walking off.

“What was that for?” I muttered to myself before returning to my room.

***
I was awake the whole night thinking about them. Is Ji Eun sleeping well? Is she still throwing a tantrum? Is Tae Hyun doing fine? Most importantly, is Haneul okay? Is she overworking herself? Are people being nice to her? Did she meet crazy village heads like the one in Kenya? Is she safe?

I jumped when I heard loud banging on my door.

“JUNHYUNG!!!! JUNHYUNG!!!!!!!!!!!!” The person outside shouted.

I hurried to the door, sensing the urgency in his voice.

“What is it!?” I opened the door, stunned when all I saw was grey smoke.

“GET OUT! QUICK!” The voice said, dragging me along.

“WAIT!!” I yelled, running back into the room.

“QUICK!” He yelled as he tried to drag me back.

I managed to grab the box where I put the duckies before he pulled me away.

“Are you okay!? Are you hurt?” He asked when we arrived in the field.

I shook my head, still in shock. Our side of the building was engulfed in flames.

“What the hell happened?” I asked.

“No idea.” He panted as he did a headcount.  

I looked around as well. Everyone looked as shocked as I was. It looked like everyone was there, but it also looked like someone was missing.

“Where is your leader?” I grabbed one of the guy.

“Don’t touch me!” He pushed me away roughly.

“Where is your leader!?” I asked again.

“What gives you the rights to ask his whereabouts!?” He yelled at me.

“He is your friend and you don’t even seem bothered!? You left him in there!?” I yelled.

“Who are you to yell at me!?” He punched me across my cheek.

“Hold this for me, please.” I said, handing the box to the in-charge.

“JUNHYUNG! WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?” He yelled.

“I’ll be back quick.” I said as I ran off.

“YAH!! YONG JUNHYUNG!!!” I heard him yell.

I recall seeing him go into the toilet as I stepped out just moments before the in-charge came banging on my door, warning me of a fire. If he is still in the toilet…

I could not really see well because of the smoke. I could not even call out for his name because I really had no idea what his name was. I could find my way to the toilet only because I remembered the route. I winced when the heat from the door scorched my arm when I tried to push the toilet door open.

“ARE YOU IN THERE!?” I managed to choke out.

The smoke in the toilet was not that bad so I could see, somehow. Squatting in the corner, covering his face, I saw him there.

“Let’s get out! Quick!” I said, yanking him by his arm.

He stared at me, as thou confused.

“GET UP!!!” I yelled.

“Who are you to yell at me!?” He pushed me.

“Well, I’ll tell you later. But now, let’s get out.” I said, tugging his arm.

“Don’t touch me!!” He kicked my shin.

“I wouldn’t touch you if you could find your freaking way out! The fact you were squatting here means you could not find your way out and you were scared, no!?” I yelled.

“Who said I was scared!?” He grabbed me by the neck of my shirt.

“We’ll argue or fight later, okay? You need to be alive to bash me up.” I said.

“WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?” He yelled when I sprayed him with a hose.

“Do you want to go out there and get burned!?” I shouted at him.

I grabbed a rag from the side, wet it and slapped it against his mouth and nose.

“THIS IS A ING RAG!!!!” He yelled.

“RAG OR LIFE? You choose.” I said.

I looked around for another rag for myself, but there was only one.

“Why are you saving me huh!? Do you think I will be thankful just because you are doing this!?” He yelled on the way out.

I did not want to stop because I could feel the flames getting bigger and I was feeling breathless already.

“LISTEN, MORON. First, it because I don’t expect a thank you from you! Second, I didn’t save you because you are worthy of being saved, but because I don’t want your family to suffer if you die in a freak accident like that. Lastly, can you just shut your ing mouth and follow me out because if you did not already realize it is getting hotter in here and every minute we spend arguing the lower the chance we have to get out alive!” I yelled.

“My family wouldn’t grief over my death so it’s okay!” He shouted back.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head as I continued to drag him along the way.

“WAIT!!” He yelled, pushing my hand away.

“WHAT!?” I got frustrated.

“There’s something in my room.” I think I heard him mumble before he ran off.

“YAH!!!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!?” I shouted as I ran after him.

“There’s something important!” He yelled.

“It’s not the time to.. oh my god.” My eyes widened as I watch a ceiling light dangle dangerously above his head.

I could not push him into the flames just to avoid the light so the only thing I could do was to hug him and switch position with him. I was too late in taking a step forward, thus taking the blow of the falling ceiling light on my back. I bit my lower lip as I endured the scorching pain.

“WHAT THE !? WHY ARE YOU HUGGING ME!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” He yelled, eyes widened.

“I just ing saved your stupid head. Can’t you at least be nicer?” I asked, bending forward as I felt the pain in my back.

“So much for saving me.” I heard him grumble as he pulled me onto his back.

“Arghhhh~” I groaned in pain as the wound on my back got stretched when he pulled me.

“Your stuff…” I mumbled when I saw him heading for the exit instead.

“You’ll pay for it later. But now, if you die here, I don't know how to be answerable to your kids. So you better not die on me. I'm warning you.” He said.

“I…” I did not manage to get my words out. I out, unsure if it was from the pain in my back or from breathing in too much smoke, or perhaps, both. 

***
Doojoon: I’m bullying you? You are ing making me cry!

Doojoon: Take care, and if you talk about replacement again…

Seungho: Take care. And the next time you hug my wife, I’ll break your bones.

Bully: Why are you saving me huh!? Do you think I will be thankful just because you are doing this!?