Haneul’s POV

I saw your trembling lips for the first time
You try and you try but hesitate to say something
Just like the lyrics from a song- sad predictions come true
No, it can't be- it's not- it can't be

“Haneul~ Haneul~” I opened my eyes when I felt someone shake me.

“Minji?” I called out.

She sighed and sat down, burying her face into her palms.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I…” She looked like she was about to cry.

“Let’s talk outside.” I whispered, not wanting to wake Jace up.

She nodded and headed outside first. I made sure Jace was very asleep before I grabbed my coat and put on my shoes quietly. I was about to head out when my eyes caught sight of something on the table. It was an envelope. On the cover wrote: Haneul. I recognized the handwriting. It belonged to Junhyung.

I poured out the contents in the envelope. Inside, a letter and our wedding ring.

My dear Lionny,

Do I still have the rights to call you by this nickname? For one last time, let me call you like that, please? I’m sorry, Lionny. I could not apologize to you face to face because I really don’t have the guts to face you. What I did was horrible and unforgivable. I don’t know if I could ever forgive myself. I doubt.

Lionny, but please know that I love you and I regret my actions very much. We cannot make the dead undead, like we cannot undo the things we did. I know no amount of ‘I’m sorry’ can take away the pain I inflicted on you.

You were right in saying that heroin was temporary happiness and one day I would regret it. I’m regretting it now. I had my temporary happiness but I did something I would regret for the rest of my life. I cannot even bring myself to beg you for your forgiveness. How pathetic.

But would you trust me if I said it was accidental that I got hooked on those drugs again? Then again what difference would it make? I cannot undo the horrible things I did to you, to Seungho hyung, to everyone who loved me.

Haneul, I’ve woken up. I’m going to make things right, that is if it is still possible for things to be right. Tell the kids the truth, don’t hide it from them. They have the rights to know what sort of horrible person I am, so they wouldn’t be idolizing the wrong person and end up feeling like a fool when they grow up and realize the truth.

Haneul, I love you, I love you, I love you. I broke my promise to you in this life, but I hope, I pray, I wish, that in the next life, if it permits, I want to be your husband again, so I can fulfill my unfinished duty as your husband in this life. I promise then I’ll never hurt you again. I swear on my life.

Haneul, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you for letting me feel loved when no one else loved me. Thank you for making me feel like a man when I felt insecure. Thank you for making me feel oh so special when I felt like nothing. Thank you for always reassuring, enduring, tolerating, comforting, supporting and simply being there for me. Thank you for your endless love and care.

On drugs or not, I’ll never forget how loved you made me feel. At one point of time during my outburst, I felt you, Haneul. But I lost it. I let that monster win. I’m sorry. Please be happy, Haneul. Is this a ridiculous request from someone who took your smile away? Perhaps it is. But that’s my only wish for you.

Tell the kids I love them too, and I apologize for not being able to be their hero anymore. Come to think of it, I was never their hero. They were my heroes. They were the strong ones. Tell Seungho hyung, I love him and I am so sorry. Tell Minji I am very sorry for doing what I did, and that I deserve all the insults she threw at me. Tell Jace I apologize for breaking my promise. Tell Beast that if life permits, I hope to be friends with them in the next life, be it would there still be Beast or not, I want them as my brothers, as my friends. Tell them I love them, and that being in Beast with them is the second best thing that has ever happened in my life.

And last Haneul, my wife, my best friend, I love you. Goodbye, my love.

If you would allow this, born again your husband,
Junroro

You already left me, your heart has left me
Even your body has left me as well
I don't know how to hold onto you- someone please tell me how

I stared at the ring in my hand. What does it mean? What does he mean by ‘going to make things right’? Why is he apologizing like that? Why is he saying such words? What does he mean by ‘in the next life’?

“What’s that?” Minji asked.

I must have been so engrossed in the letter I did not notice her come in again.

“I don’t know. Junhyung…” I said, handing her the letter.

She took the letter from me and read it. Her eyes widened, and then she knelt down.

“I’m sorry, Haneul! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” She kept repeating and slapping herself.

“What are you doing!? Minji!!” I yelled, grabbing her hands to stop her from hurting herself further.

“I’m sorry, Haneul. I’m sorry.” She cried.

“What’s wrong? Why are you sorry?” I asked, hugging her.

“I… I said mean things to him. Very, very mean things. I.. I asked him… to..” She did not finish her sentence.

“What? What did you asked him to do?” I asked.

“I asked him to go kill himself!!” She cried into her palms.

I let go of her.

“You asked Junhyung to go kill himself? Knowing that he is a fragile and very stupid person, you said those to him? HOW COULD YOU!?” I screamed at her.

“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!? JUNHYUNG IS MY HUSBAND! HE IS YOUR FRIEND! EVEN IF YOU HATED HIM FOR HURTING SEUNGHO YOU CANNOT ASK HIM TO GO KILL HIMSELF! SCRATCH THAT, YOU CANNOT ASK ANYONE TO GO KILL THEMSELVES! WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN!? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?” I shouted at her.

She kept crying, not saying anything.

“What’s going on?” Jace woke up.

“If anything happens to Junhyung, Minji, I’ll kill you.” I said.

Please don't say those words tonight
Why did you leave me?
I'm so hurt, my heart hurts- tears are rising
We can't say goodbye yet- don't open those lips any wider
Don't say goodbye

“Haneul! Don’t say things like that!” Jace scolded.

“She ing asked Junhyung to kill himself despite knowing how fragile that stupid fellow is! How can I not get angry!?” I said.

Jace picked the letter up and read it. His eyes widened and he looked at me with sorry eyes.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked.

“I…” He mumbled.

“No. No. No, don’t tell me you said the same thing to him. No. Please. Don’t.” I leaned against the wall for support.

“I was angry and…” He said.

“How could you? Just.. How could you? Both of you? Seriously? That’s like the meanest thing to say to anyone, let alone someone who is so hurt and fragile.” I said.

I did not want to imagine what Junhyung is trying to do.

“I’m so sorry.” Minji cried.

 “Don’t talk to me until my Junhyung comes back. If he doesn’t… Both of you. Our friendship is over.” I said, stomping out of the room.

I may not be able to face Junhyung now after what he did to me, but I did not say I would not forgive him. All I needed was just some time and then I would go look for him even if he did not look for me. I love Junhyung too much to hate him.

But now how am I going to tell him that I will forgive him if he is dead?

I showed the letter to the Beast members and they all started crying. I got impatient and shouted at them. I did not mean it but this was really not a time to hug each other and cry. Junhyung might be doing something stupid at this point of time and crying would not help.

***
It has been a few days and still no news of Junhyung. We were convinced he was still alive because I still have not received any calls from the police telling me they have found a body or something of this sort.

But I was scared, of course. His bank account was empty. Three quarter of his money went into my account, and the other quarter I had no idea where it went to. He had packed his gadgets and other prized possessions neatly into boxes and labeled them, giving them to respective people, mainly the Beast boys.

I was certain that he was plotting to kill himself but whether he is still alive now is a mystery.

At your cold words, I sank down
As if the world crumbled down, tears fell

“Still no news of Junhyung?” Seungho asked when I went to visit him.

I shook my head.

“But I’m pretty sure he is still alive. Hiding somewhere.” I said.

“Don’t be angry at Minji.” He said.

“I’m not. I ought to apologize to her too. I was harsh with my words that day. I was angry. I guess I understood why she told Junhyung such things. She was angry too. And how could I blame her for being angry? Don’t you see it’s like the same situation all over again?” I said.

He nodded.

“That night, I guess she was really tired. I neglected her feelings too.” He said.

“Minji never left your side. For as long as you were unconscious, there was never a time Minji left, until I came to look for her. We went for a drink, and then the nurse called.” I said.

“I know.” He said.

“Whatever it is, what you can do is to get well now. Everything else can wait.” I said.

 “Deedee!!” The door opened, revealing Minki.

“Sweetheart~” Seungho smiled, gesturing Minki over.

I carried Minki to sit on the bed.

“Deedee~ Hee~” Minki smiled at her father.

“How are you?” Seungho asked.

“Fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~” She said.

“Where is your Umma?” He asked.

“Erm~~ THERE!!” She pointed blindly.

“Minki, that’s the wall.” Seungho said.

She giggled and buried her face into Seungho’s chest.

“Reminds me so much of Loki.” I said.

Seungho looked at me sadly. I shrugged my shoulders and smiled.

“Minji’s outside. I guess she’s out there perhaps because I am in here.” I said.

I went outside to find Minji on the phone.

‘Call me the moment you have any news on him. Do you remember his name or not? Yong Junhyung. Get it right. Yes, that rapper from Beast. Get the correct one. Yes.’ I overheard her say.

She sighed and threw the phone into her bag. She jumped when she turned and saw me behind her.

“Want a drink?” I asked.

She looked into the room. Minki rested on her elbows on Seungho’s chest, staring at him lovingly while Seungho poked her nose and played with her.

“They’ll be okay.” I said.

She nodded.

If this moment passes, if this moment is over
We will be separated forever
I love you, I love you to death-
Don't leave me

No one headed for the café this time. We went towards the same place; the alcohol section.

“I’m sorry.” We both said at the same time.

We looked at each other in surprise, and then started laughing.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“No. I’m sorry. What was I thinking? Saying such words to him.” She said.

“You were angry. Just like how when I was angry, I said harsh words to you too.” I said.

“But I feel so guilty. Where is he? I..” She bit her lower lip.

“I feel so guilty seeing you so upset too. It’s not your fault. Yes, Junhyung is fragile and stupid, but really, if he was set to end his own life, he would have done it anyway.” I said.

She looked at me weirdly.

 “I can say this now because my feeling tells me he is still alive. It’s just a wife’s feeling. I’m sure you have this connection with Seungho too. Whenever he hurt himself or he is upset, he doesn’t need to say or you don’t even have to look, but you would just know.” I said.

She nodded.

Please don't say those words tonight
Why did you leave me?
I'm so hurt, my heart hurts- tears are rising
We can't say goodbye yet- don't open those lips any wider
Don't say goodbye

“Same here. My feeling tells me that he is still alive, but he is hiding. Where, I do not know. But he is alive. Because if he is dead, I would feel it, and I wouldn’t be functional at all.” I said.

“But I cannot help but worry.” She said.

“I am worried too. I am worried that my feeling would fail me and that he would really die without me knowing. And then I start to think, how lonely is it to die alone, carrying so much guilt and unhappiness.” I said.

She started crying. I must have scared her with my words.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” I hugged her.

“What should I do if he dies? I’m responsible. I’ll give you anything, but you cannot take Seungho.” She cried.

“Why would I want Seungho!?” I laughed.

We drank so much we had to hold onto each other as we walked back to the room.

“What the hell?” Seungho frowned when he saw us.

“Sorry. Drank too much.” I said, helping Minji to sit down.

I could not put her on the sofa because Minki was asleep there. Minji slumped over to the side and crashed onto the floor even before we could react.

“Owww~” She whined.

“Damn it.” Seungho grumbled.

“Don’t. I’ll do it.” I said, stopping him from getting out of bed.

“Come on~” I said, helping her up.

“Put her here.” He said, making space for her to lie on the bed.

“I’ll go get a cold towel.” I said.

“Why did you drink so much? Hmm?” I heard him whisper to her.

“Here.” I said, handing the towel to him.

“Thanks.” He said.

“What did you girls talk about? Minji can’t hold her alcohol well.” He said.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“I’m not blaming you. Just… I’ve never seen Minji so drunk before. She doesn’t usually drink.” He said.

“Take care of her.” I said, heading for the door.

I don't know what separation is- I'm just upset
I have so many stories, so many memories- 
My heart is ripping

“Haneul~” He called out.

“Hmm?” I answered, not turning over.

“Haneul, it’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to cry. You don’t have to pretend that everything is okay.” He said.

“Mmm~” I responded and hurried out.

I sat in a corner and cried. I may say that I have a feeling Junhyung is alive, I may smile and tell everyone that everything would be okay, but deep down, I am so ing scared. Every time my phone rings, I get so scared. I was afraid it would be someone calling to tell me they found a body believed to be him and that they want me to go down.

I cannot afford to lose Junhyung. Losing Loki is enough. My wound from losing Loki is not even healed, how do I deal with another one? But if I break down in front of them, wouldn’t they panic even more? I supposed they would feel more at peace if they saw me smiling. But Seungho why are you so evil? Why did you have to expose me?

I froze when I heard my phone rang. It was from an unknown number. I wish I could press ‘cancel’, but I could not.

“Hello?” I answered in my calmest voice.

“Hello? Is this Haneul?” The caller asked.

“Yes. Who is this?” I asked.

We can't say goodbye yet- don't open those lips any wider
Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodbye

***
Make a guess, who do you think called?