Junhyung’s POV

“Junhyung!! Junhyung!!” I heard Seungho hyung yell as he shook me.

“You’re hyperventilating. Try to breathe normally. Come on. You can do it.” He said as he cradled me in his arms.

I tried to push him away but he held onto me tightly.

“Go… away!” I managed to choke out.

He ignored me as he kept rubbing my back. I was breathing normally after awhile. I pushed him away as soon as I had the energy to do so.

“Junhyung…” He looked at me sadly.

“Go away! Get out!” I yelled.

“No..” He muttered.

I clenched my fists tight, digging my nails into my palms.

“What’s this?” He asked, looking at the box where I put the duckies in.

I must have turn it over just now by accident.

“None of your business!” I pushed him away as I hurried to close the box and hold it tightly against my chest.

“What’s that?” He asked again.

“You want to know? You really want to know? Alright, I’ll tell you. This is the reason why I bashed him up. This is the reason why I tried to kill him!” I yelled.

“Why…?” He asked, looking at me with sad eyes.

“You can’t tell what these was? Right, of course. Who could?” I laughed.

“Junhyung ah~” He tried to touch my arm but I smacked it away.

“These were my duckies, Seungho hyung! They cut it up and left it scattered all over the toilet floor!!! This is why I got so angry!! This is why I wanted to kill them!! This is what they did to me!!!” I broke down.

“This is what I have been going through. I did not come here to create trouble. I came here to heal myself. I really did. But this is what happened. What can I do? I just want to protect myself. But I snapped, okay? I snapped! Why of all things the duckies? Why!? WHY!?” I yelled.

“I’m so sorry, Junhyung ah~ I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” He said, hugging me tightly.

“I don’t blame you for not knowing. But I thought you would at least try to understand!” I cried, pushing him away.

He pulled me back and hugged me tighter.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I’m sorry.” He said.

I broke down in his embrace, crying hard as I let all my hidden emotions flow.

“I know it’s wrong. I really do.” I said after I calmed down.

“I feel like I’m losing myself too. All I do is be mean to people. I’m so hot tempered I have lost my self-control. I know. I’m trying to ignore them, trying to control my anger, but this… I… I just can’t..” I said, starting to cry again as I looked at the box.

“Such bloody bastards.” I heard him mutter.

“You know how important those duckies are to me, right?” I said.

He nodded.

“This is the only thing I have left that holds our memories.. And now it’s gone. I can’t save Loki, I hurt Haneul, I destroyed Ji Eun and Tae Hyun’s family, and now… even this…” I cried.

“It’s not your fault.” He said.

“How is it not my fault? I’m the cause of everything!!” I shouted.

“Shhhh~” He tried to calm me down.

I crawled into bed and started crying all over again while Seungho hyung sat next to me, my back.

“Junhyung ah~” He called out after I finally stopped.

“Hmm~” I responded.

“Junhyung, I didn’t know you’ve been going through so much.” He said.

“I deserve it.” I said.

“You don’t.” He said.

“I’m sorry I blamed you instantly when I saw what you were doing just now. I… I don’t know what got into me.” He continued.

I said nothing.

“How have you been?” I asked.

“I’m good.” He smiled.

“I…. I’m sorry. For what I did to you.” I said.

He laughed and flicked me on my forehead.

“Yong Junhyung is apologizing! Wow!” He teased.

“Ahh hyung~” I pouted.

“It doesn’t matter as long as you come back, Junhyung. And when I mean come back, I mean Junhyung.” He said.

“I’m glad too. Believe it or not.” I said.

“Of course I believe you.” He said.

“But… why… drugs?” He asked finally.

I looked at him.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel comfortable saying.” He said hurriedly.

“It was happiness that I could buy. After Loki… died… nothing is ever the same again. So when I was offered the chance to be happy, although it was only temporary, I accepted it quicker than I thought I would. I was desperate to feel happy again. I didn’t want to forget how to be happy.” I said.

He looked away. I know he was trying to hide his tears.

“Haneul found out. She took it upon herself to make me quit. She locked me up for three days and went through hell with me. Three days was short but we were never that close ever since Loki died. Those three days were painful, but it felt so sweet at the same time. Like everything was coming back. I realized then heroin wasn’t happiness, but Haneul was. And Haneul was my permanent happiness.” I said.

He smiled. I know he must be thinking of Minji.

“So you did quit.” He said.

“Yea, but I took it again.” I admitted.

“Why?” He asked.

“Would you trust me if I said it was involuntary?” I asked.

He nodded.

“I cannot tell you what exactly happened but one day I would. I promise you.” I said.

He ruffled my hair.

“I trust you.” He said.

“I sent myself here because I want to be totally free from that horrible thing, and then when I get out, I have something I need to do. I want to set things right.” I said.

“I’m sure you would.” He said.

“You okay?” He asked when I winced at the sudden pain in my abdomen.

“Just… you know.” I muttered.

“Lie down.” He said.

“What are you going to do?” I asked as I lied down.

“Nothing that would kill you.” He said, rolling his eyes.

He put his palm under my shirt and started rubbing my stomach like how Haneul would.

“How do you know this?” I asked.

“I have a wife.” He said.

“Oh, right.” I said.

“It feels weird that you’re doing it. It feels wrong.” I said.

“I’m so sorry that I have a .” He said sarcastically.

“Don’t be.” I said.

He smacked my stomach. It hurt, but we laughed.

***
I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes, Seungho hyung was not there anymore. I smiled when I saw food on the table. There was also a glass of something beside it. On the cup, there was a note that wrote; ‘Drink it.’ It was painkillers mixed with glucose water. Haneul style~

On the box where I put the duckies, there was a folded note.

The duckies were not the keeper of your memories with Haneul. They were the symbol of your love with her. It may be destroyed, but Junhyung, love never dies. The real keeper of your memories is your heart. Your memories with her are kept safely in your heart. So technically, you still have them and you are doing an excellent job in protecting them.
Junhyung, remember that you’re here for a reason, and the reason is not to screw yourself up. Be strong.

Fighting,
‘Sorry I have a ’ Seungho -.-

Beneath the note, he tried to draw the duckies. The keyword here is tried. The duckies looked like malnutrition stick figures. How in the world does my duckies look like that? How in the world is the symbol of Haneul and I's love so ugly and thin? So insulting. Just why did he not pick up some drawing skills from Minji?

I stuck the note on the back of the door, as a reminder to myself each time before I step out of the room of the reason why I am here. I want to get well so I can go back out, face Haneul and the kids, and also do what I have to do to set things right.

***
When Seungho realize the reason behind Junhyung's actions.

Junhyung: How in the world does my duckies look like that? How in the world is the symbol of Haneul and I's love so ugly and thin?

***
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Let's not forget our dear Joker has this side of him ^^