Junhyung’s POV

Cold wind blows, I am shivering
My body aches as my heart is breaking
Why is life making me hollow?
Why is happiness casting me in the shadows?
In the shadows

“Oh~ Look who we have here~” One of the biggest bully of the group said as I stepped into the bathroom.

I bite down on my jaws, clenched tightly onto the towels as I walked in with lowered head.

“Excuse me.” I said as they blocked my way.

“And just why should we?” He asked.

“Please.” I said.

“He said please.” He said, causing laughter from those around him.

“Well, since he is so polite~” He said, making way for me.

“Thank you.” I mumbled as I walked through.

“But we don’t do politeness here.” He said.

I was pulled by the back of my shirt and then shoved into a cubicle where they took turns to bash me up. What did I do to them? Why were they treating me like this? I came here wanting to recover, not create trouble.  I kicked one of them in the knee, causing him to fall backwards and thus crashing into those behind him. I took the chance to stand up. I had both fists raised up as I glared at them.

“Ahh~ You want to fight?” The leader asked.

“You want to fight.” I said.

Before we knew it, we were throwing punches and kicking each other like as if our body did not mattered at all. When so many people fight in a small area, it was not difficult for the outside to hear it. We were soon pulled apart and pinned against the wall. This was not high school, therefore no lectures were given, but we were made to do cleaning duties.

“Junhyung, may I have a word with you?” One of the in-charge said as I was sweeping the backyard.

I dropped the broom and looked at him.

“Junhyung... I know it’s tough and all, but remember what you told me when I asked why did you send yourself in here?” He asked.

I nodded.

“Fighting wouldn’t help.” He said.

“I DIDN’T START IT!” I got agitated.

“I know.” He said.

“And then!? So what if you knew!? You did nothing about it! Absolutely nothing! Then again, why do anything for a screwed up person like me? Right?” I said.

“You know it’s not like that. All of us wants to help you.” He said.

“Help? Psh~” I kicked the broom aside and walked off.

Hold on, don’t turn and walk away
Save me
And I cried these words but nobody came

I went back to my room and locked the door. I slept the whole day, skipping both lunch and dinner. When I woke up the next morning, I stepped out of the room, promising myself never to let them bully me again.

I glared at anyone who looked me in the eye. I pushed whoever that was in my way. I accept fights and threatened back whoever who threatened me. It worked like a miracle. In a day, I became ‘the one who shouldn’t be messed with’.

However, if you would ask if I felt good about it, the truth is, no. It felt horrible. I was so hot tempered I had no self-control anymore. I bashed up anyone regardless whether they hurt me on purpose or not. I fought more than I would eat my meals. I was a frequent at the infirmary.

***
“Hey, idiot!” I was smacked hard on the back of my head.

I threw my cutleries down and turn to glare at whoever hit me.

“What’s your ing problem?” I asked.

Everyone scrambled away leaving us, the usual practice whenever a fight occurs.

“You pushed my brother into the drain this morning, that’s what my ing problem is.” He said.

“Who are you to blame when he was ing in my way?” I said.

“Now, let’s see who is in the way.” He said.

He grabbed my neck, choking me as he punched my stomach endlessly. I managed to grab a fistful of his hair and yanked onto it as hard as possible.

“Is this all you have!?” He yelled.

“Not quite.” I said as I spin kick him across his face.

He returned with a punch straight into my nose. I twisted both his arms until I heard the satisfying sound of his arms breaking. He cried out in pain, unable to move.

“For your information, I said excuse me, he just did not hear it, or rather, he chose to ignore.” I said, walking off.

***

I’m all alone, running scared
Losing my way in the dark
I tried to get up, stand on a prayer
But I keep crashing down hard
This is my side of the story
Only my side of the story
Nobody cares, nobody’s there, no one will hear
My side of the story

I have been here for a month now and while I was hardly bully anymore, I was gradually losing my smile too.

“Junhyung, may I..” I cut him off before he could finish.

“No.” I said.

“You don’t look too well. Are you okay?” He asked anyway.

“No. Go away.” I said.

“Do you need to see the doctor?” He asked.

“No. I said, go away!” I glared at him.

“Junhyung, this is not a jail. Don’t forget the reason why you’re here.” He said.

“Go. Away. Or. I’ll. Hit. You.” I threatened.

He sighed and crossed his arms.

“If you’re hungry…” I grabbed him by his collar before he could finish talking.

“I said to go away. Which part of that sentence do you not understand?” I hissed.

“GET LOST!” I pushed him to the floor before slamming my room door shut.

I was on my period and it hurt like crazy. I lied on my bed and rubbed my stomach, in hope to ease the pain. But it did not work.

“Haneul…” I cried, remembering how her hands would always work like magic in easing my pain.

I cannot help but wonder how is she. Is she okay? Is she living well? Does she miss me like how I miss her? I miss Ji Eun and Tae Hyun too. Have they been good? Do they miss me? Do they still acknowledge me? And Seungho hyung, is he doing fine now? Beast, I wonder how they are now. Have they found a replacement rapper?

I miss everyone. I hugged the duckies close to my chest as I closed my eyes, trying to sleep. I have not felt so emotional for awhile. I blame periods and all its emotional crap that comes together as a package deal. But then again, is it a good or bad thing?

***
I woke up the next morning, feeling a little better than the day before, but still achy.

“Duckie~ Where are you?” I asked as I looked around.

Emptiness, it’s all around me
I try to catch my breath
I barely survive and I
Can’t go on and I come undone 
and there’s nothing left in me 

I held them in my arms last night. I do not usually lose them when I slept. I searched under the bed and under the blanket but I could not find them. I remember going to the toilet in the middle of my sleep and bringing them with me. Did I forget to bring them back?

I went outside, looking around for them.

“Yo! Yong Junhyung!” One of them smirked.

I rolled my eyes at him and continued to look around.

“Are you looking for something? Do you perhaps need my help?” He asked.

“ off.” I muttered, not in the mood to fight.

“Oooo~ How about… no?” He asked.

I glared at him.

“Move away.” I said.

“Who are you to make me listen to you?” He asked, punching me in my stomach.

I groaned in pain. The cramp was bad enough, and he had to punch me.

“Not fighting back today? Hmm?” He asked, punching me again.

I had no energy to hit him back. I thought I was going to die today but surprisingly he stopped after a few kicks.

“You’re no fun today.” He said with a smirk, and then walked off.

I dragged myself into the toilet. The moment I opened the door, a pail of cold water fell onto my head, drenching me. I clenched my fists tight, biting down onto my lower lip, trying hard to control my anger. But I lost it all when I saw something that made me want them dead so badly. Scattered all over the toilet floor were my duckie soft toys, cut up into bits.

Hold on, dont turn and walk away
save me
And I cried these words but nobody came

Why did they have to do this? I could buy the soft toys again, but I could not buy back the memories it held. The duckies were the only thing I had with me that reminded me of Haneul and I. They were what kept me going.

“I’m so sorry.” I cried as I picked the bits and pieces up.

I could not even tell which was the head or which was the hand. I felt like I let Haneul down. I could not even protect something so precious to us. I made sure I left no bits of them behind, and then I went back to my room and placed them in a box.

“Don’t blame me.” I muttered to myself as I walked out of the room.

My anger rise as I heard their happy laughter. I grabbed a bat from the sports equipment area and headed towards them. I gave him no warning as I swing the bat across his head. He stared at me in shock, his head bleeding. I knew it is him. His actions this morning gave it away.

“Why did you have to do that?” I asked.

“Do what? Cut up your toys? Oh~ Little Junhyung is angry now?” He smirked despite his bleeding head.

“So you’re admitting that it is you?” I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders.

“WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT!? WHY OF ALL THINGS THE DUCKIES!? DO YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THOSE ARE TO ME!? YOU KNOW NOTHING!! WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHTS TO DO THAT!?” I shouted as I threw punches at him.

I was in a fight one against ten. I would lose on normal days, but today I was more than just angry. I kept fighting on like I never fought before. I swung my bat at everyone in my way. The whole eating area was filled with our blood in less than twenty minutes.

“WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?” I yelled as I punched him.

I’m all alone, running scared
Losing my way in the dark
I tried to get up, stand on a prayer
But I keep crashing down hard
This is my side of the story
Only my burden to bear
Nobody cares, nobody’s there, no one will hear

The people in charge tried to pull us apart but I hit them as well. I am going to kill this bastard today. I cannot be bothered about the consequences.

I choked him, watching as his face turn red and his eyes bulge from the lack of air.

“You’ll pay for this.” I said as I squeezed his neck tighter.

“YONG JUNHYUNG!!!!” I heard a voice shout.

Such a familiar voice.

I turned to the direction of the voice. Seungho hyung. He was staring at me with wide eyes.

“LET GO NOW!! YOU’RE GOING TO KILL HIM!!!” He shouted as he ran over, pushing me away.

I fell onto the floor, staring blankly as Seungho hyung went to the aid of the guy.

“I THOUGHT YOU CAME HERE AND CHANGED FOR THE BETTER! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT!?” He shouted at me.

“You don’t even know what happened.” I said.

“Do I need a genius to tell!? You were trying to kill him! That’s what happened!” He yelled.

“Even you’re not on my side? Seungho hyung?” I asked.

As I fall down
As I fall in 
And I cried these words but nobody came

“How can I be on your side when I saw it all with my own eyes? You tried to kill him, Junhyung! You’re supposed to change for the better but what has gone into you?! It’s okay if you didn’t change, but at least don’t get worse! I came all the way here and this is what you show me?!” He scolded.

“No one asked you to come. I wouldn’t lose anything if you didn’t come. Don’t come ever again. Don’t waste your time. I’m hopeless.” I said, turning my back to walk off.

“YONG JUNHYUNG!” He shouted.

“WHAT IS IT!? WHAT!?” I yelled.

“Apologize to him!!” He glared hard at me.

“You want me to apologize without even knowing the full story?” I asked.

“I don’t care about the full story. You were trying to kill him and that makes you at fault!” He said.

“Yea. Who cares about the full story? Who cares about my side of the story? It’s easier, isn’t it? To blame someone according to your own assumption as to what happened? No one wanted to listen as to why I took drugs again, just like how no one wants to know why I tried to kill him. I can apologize to him, but bear in mind that does not mean I’m regretful.” I said.

“What are you talking about?” Seungho hyung asked.

“Why do you care?” I asked, walking off.

I’m all alone, running scared
Losing my way in the dark
I tried to get up, stand on a prayer
But I keep crashing down hard

I sincerely wanted to be well again, that is why I came here. I did not want to let anyone down, but neither did I expect this outcome. I thought I could endure my time here, get well, go back out again, and start anew. Every day I tell myself that it is okay if no one cared, but today after seeing even Seungho hyung not interested in knowing the reason behind my actions, it really hurts so damn much.

Seungho hyung, do you know how happy I am to see you? But why are you acting like that? Why are you making me feel like that? Everyone in the world can misunderstand me, but I thought at least you would understand, or at least try to understand. Seungho hyung, do you know I am very scared too?

Then again, who would trust someone like me? I took drugs when I said I would not do it again. I hurt Haneul when I said I would never do that. I beat up Seungho hyung because I thought he was being sneaky with Haneul. Once bitten, twice shy.

I cried hard. I clutched onto my chest as I felt it tightened to the point I could not breathe. Right, let me die. Take me away. I don’t want to live anymore.

This is my side of the story
Only my side of the story
My side of the story
Only my burden to bear
Nobody cares, nobody’s there no one will hear
My side of the story 

***
 Junhyung: Take me away. I don’t want to live anymore.

***
I teared picturing the duckies got torn up T.T