In Our World




I looked at you, stared at you hard, trying in vain to figure out the reason you did what you did.


Why are you giving me away again?


I knew you didn't want to look at me. I could tell by the way your eyes roamed around, seeking anything they can land on.


Are you afraid that you will see disappointment in my eyes, Ji? Are you scared to see me hurting again?


But then you turned to me. Your eyes showed all the words you left unspoken.










Mian, D-ah. I've disappointed you again. Did I hurt you again?


It seemed all that I ever do to you. Hurt you, cause you pain. 


Is that all I ever do to you, D?


I watched you get up from your seat, made some random alibi and excused yourself from the rest.


Before I could have stopped my feet, I found myself grabbing your wrist. You slightly jerk your head up in surprise.


"Ji..." With just one word, just one name, I felt my heart beating uncontrollably, lost all sanity and reason.


I pulled you with me and ran away from everyone, leaving our friends all in shock


I heard him calling your name. I saw you tilting your head to acknowledge him but you still ran with me.


We ran and we ran. We ran until we couldn't hear even a faint sound that could remind us of what happened earlier.


We ended up in the one place we always ended up in when we wanted to escape from everything.


The rooftop. 


It had always been our friend, our own little refuge. In this place, we feel we own the world. In this place nothing can harm us.


In this place, we are invincible.


I looked at my hand holding your wrist. Slowly, I pulled away from our touch but not a second passed before I placed my palm against yours, intertwined my fingers with yours.


I never felt so secured in my whole life.


I looked up at the sky and I could tell you were staring at me, probably figuring out what the hell was running in this crazy, unpredictable mind of mine.


I just smiled, that bittersweet smile I have grown accustomed to ever since the day you left me.


"Ji, what are you doing?" I heard your faint voice whispered along with the cool breeze.


"Loving you." I said simply.


I turned to face you and saw the confusion that was written all over your face.


"You passed Khun Khun." You stated. Did I hear a hint of sadness in your voice? Nah. That was just probably me being delusional.


"Are you disappointed in me?" I asked you although I already knew the answer to it.


"Are you giving up on me already?" You asked me. I could hear the insecurity in your voice, something I was so familiar with. It was the same tone evident in my voice now.


"That thought never crossed my mind." I answered you honestly. You continued to look at me as if searching for any insincerity. I bet you wouldn't find any.


"Then I guess I'm not disappointed." You smiled faintly as you turned to look at the sky. As you did, a ray of light illuminated your ethereal beauty that made me wish I could just look at you all my life. I heaved a sigh and turned to look at the sky you have so much fondness for.


We grew silent. It became a hobby of ours, standing beside each other and basking in comfortable silence. It never bothered us and even now, I felt it was not bothering us.


You chose to break the silence that had engulfed us. You looked at me with a question in your mind.


"But why did you give me away?"


The simplicity of your question and the innocence in your expression made me pull you close and hold you in my arms so tight. I knew I could crush your frail body if I held you any tighter but I couldn't stop myself from wanting to shield you from all the harm and danger that this cruel world wanted to inflict on you.


"Does it hurt? Am I holding you too tight?" I asked you softly, afraid I would break you, the most fragile treasure in my life. I felt you shake your head and buried your face against my chest.


"Ani. It's just the way I like it." You spoke with so much softness that your words were barely heard by my ears.


But my heart was too sensitive and heard those words loud and clear.


I smiled, that smile you always told me lit up your day. 


I smiled, that smile only you and no once else can make me do everyday.


I pulled you closer to me as if it was possible to hold you any closer to me. I rested my head on yours and smelled the sweet apple scent of your hair, the scent that have always calmed and soothed me.


I wanted to linger in our moment. I wanted time to stop and let us be. I wanted to stay rooted in our position, you standing close to me, just the way it should be.


But I knew any moment now, he would eventually take you away from me, him who had gained the right to hold your hands in front of everyone else...


... at the moment, while I still couldn't.


I knew that I should take the chance, while I still can, to let you know why I did what I did awhile ago. I didn't want you to think I was the same fool who broke your heart eleven months ago.


"I'm not giving you up, D. God knows that's the last thing I would ever do." I told you as I gently caressed your hair, inhaling its scent the way I have always wanted to do.


You didn't move as you listened silently to what I was saying.


"I'm just giving you time, giving US time." 


You looked up at me and I saw the confusion in your eyes.


"I'm giving you time to realize what you really want, who you really want in your life, D." I told you what you've always wanted from the start: to have a clear mind to follow what your heart wants.


"I'm also giving time for myself, time to settle the things that hold me back from fully showing you and the world how much I love you." I confessed to you, opening my heart and revealing my insecurities.


"I realized that it would be selfish of me to continue holding you back with the promise of us being together when in reality, we both know that our situation is too complicated to permit that." As much as it pained me to admit it, all that Nichkhun said awhile ago was true. I was being selfish to you.


"I realized that you wouldn't be completely happy with me, no matter how much I would try, if you wouldn't have the peace of mind you deserve. I can't bear seeing another tear fall from your eye even if we're together. I can't stand seeing you hurt once again because of the lies I had a hand on creating." I kissed your hair and felt myself start tearing.


"I realized that I would rather watch you from afar, silently cheer for you from the sidelines, love you from a distance than have you in my arms and continue hurting you and causing you pain." I turned your face towards me.


I looked deep into your eyes, wanting you to understand each and every word that I was saying.


"You're too fragile for that, way too fragile to be treated that way" 


You wiped your tears and looked at me with your child-like eyes and I knew right then that I made the right decision.


"That's why I decided that I will love you in secret, love you with all my heart in silence until I'm able to straighten my life and get myself out of the hell I have made for myself. I will love you secretly and would not ask for anything in return, until I'm able to face myself in the mirror and convince myself that I'm worthy enough to ask for your love again."


I smiled at you, wishing you would see that I was still hanging on to a thin line of hope for the two of us.


I saw your face softening, as if a realization was dawning on you.


"What if the time comes that when you finally decided to pursue me again, I have already chosen Khun Khun?" You asked me the question I was dreading answering but I put on a brave face so you would not see the fear that was hiding beneath my eyes.


"If you are genuinely happy then, I would accept." I told you truthfully.


"I would rather be in pain just to see you happy than be happy and see you in pain."


I saw you smile, that lonely smile of yours that I have told you you shouldn't wear. I frowned upon knowing our situation's bothering you.


"Don't you just wish sometimes that we're still the trainees Sandara Park and Kwon Jiyong?" You asked me thoughtfully as you turned your head towards the sky.


I looked at you and let my eyes linger for a few seconds before I followed your line of sight.


"I do. Always."


We grew silent once again, this time admiring the calm and peaceful sky above us, making the most out of our borrowed time for we both knew after this moment, we will go back to being Dara Park and G-Dragon once again.