In His Arms





I felt beads of sweat starting to form on my forehead which was ironic since the coldness of the night breeze was making my shivered shamelessly. I looked at my left hand first then my right hand and the beads of sweat multiplied even more.


Yep, they’re still there! The hands that tightly clasped mine looked like they were stuck like glue with no signs of letting go.


I looked to the owner of the hand that held my right hand. He was smiling that schoolboy-boyish grin of his while waiving his free hand to the crowd.


Waaaa… How could he still be smiling and acting as if everything is normal??!


I heard a “clearing of the throat” sound coming from my left side which made me turn my attention towards owner of the hand that clasped my left hand. Once again, I was amazed by how calm the man was, looking so serious and business-like while bowing repeatedly to the crowd.


Why am I the only one dreading this situation???


I heard a soft giggle coming from my left side and saw Seungri suppressing a giggle while looking at his hyung with pure amusement. I shot him a glare as his eyes turned to me which immediately turned his amused grin into an apologetic-scared-guilty pout.


I focused my attention back to the screaming fans who were all eyeing us with so much adoration and awe that I felt guilty not being able wave my hands which were imprisoned at the moment by two of Korea’s hottest idols. To make up for the lack of fan service, I pasted the biggest smile I could fathom and bowed continuously, showing my appreciation to the people who have shown love and support for us.


I heard the Stage Manager instructing us to leave the stage and make our exit. Sighing in relief, I quickly pulled my hands away from both Jiyong’s and Khun Khun’s grasp which they obliged seeing as how the other idols were already making their way towards us, who were near the exit.


Before turning for the exit, I caught a sight of Yoona who was standing on the far side of the stadium together with her members. I quickly darted my eyes away from hers, guilt engulfing me as I remembered her boyfriend’s hand was holding mine awhile ago.


I knew I should have just turned to my right and made my way to the exit but being the curious cat (and snoopy-snoopy, I admit) that I am, I stole another glance at Yoona, wondering if she happened to see the little “incident” I was in earlier with his boyfriend.


I shivered when I saw her still looking at me, an indescribable expression was pasted on her face.


I wondered if that expression was due to the fact that I was standing beside his man, who didn’t have the decency to move away from me knowing that he has a girlfriend, or she had seen her boyfriend holding my hand earlier.


OMONA! Ani… She didn’t see that! Please tell me, good lord, that she didn’t see that…


I was a girl after all and I know how painful it could be to see the man you love holding the hand of another woman. I cursed myself for getting myself into such situation and letting that situation last longer than it should have.


Mianhe, Yoona. I shouldn’t be doing this…


With that, I bowed my head and hastily made my way to the exit, leaving behind my members and the two men who imprisoned my heart.




















I knew I felt jealousy waved through me the moment I saw his hand clasped hers tightly, as if not wanting to let her go. I wanted to march towards them and pulled him away from her and hold him tight.


For a moment, I imagined myself pulling her perfect black hair off her head until the last remaining strand of hair was on my hand but I knew that even with her hairless head, she would still look gorgeous.


I have heard that from some of her fanboys in SME. I really don’t know how those idols have come around to being the most sought after bachelors in Korea to being lost, lovesick puppy over her. I mean, I have visited tons and tons of Korean websites that pitted her against me in various categories and in most sites, I usually win. But I never, NEVER, heard any idols gawked at me like the way those two idiots who were holding her hands gawked at her.


What is it with you huh, Sandara Park? What do you have that I don’t?


I even imagined myself running towards her and tearing off her clothes off I struggle to wrestle her on the floor but I know that doing so would just leave him and her fanboys in ultimate ual heaven. To think that she doesn’t even have a Lee Hyori-ish type of figure for goodness sake! WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE WORLD??!


Haysssst! What are you thinking, Im Yoon Ah?? I chuckled at my creative imagination.


My chuckle turned into a bitter laugh as my mind reminded me again of who I was in his life. Am I even a part of his life? I chuckled again as I shook my head which caught the attention of Yuri.


“Hey, what’s so funny? Did you catch any juicy gossip from our fellow idols, huh?” My playful best friend tugged my elbow and placed her hand on her ear as if wanting me to share the discovery I just had.


I winked at Yuri who in turn eyed me with suspicion. “I spied with my two eyes two fighting over a hen.” I laughed aloud as I saw my best friend’s eyes widened at what I said. “And no, naughty Kwon Yuri, I’m not talking about that kind of “banana” your green mind is thinking about.” I told her while still laughing. She slapped me hard on my shoulders causing me to moan in pain.


“YA, IM YOON AH! MUST YOU BE A TEASE??” Yuri pouted as I started my making my way towards the exit. I looked back at her and gave a knowing smile.


“I love you, Yuri-ah but this time, my lips are sealed.” I told her before I made a “zipping of the lips” gesture.


Though I was able to easily laugh and showed my playful side to my best friend, walking alone now made me feel the hollow feeling inside that I was so used to. Only now, it has a new best friend, that feeling of knowing you can’t have the one thing your heart had desired for so long…


LONGING.


















“Ya, unnie! You’re spacing out again!” CL-roo was pinching my cheeks aggressively.


“YA! I’m not spacing out! I was looking at something.” I rubbed my abused cheeks as I tore my eyes off the “something” I was supposedly looking at.


“And what was that you were looking at that was more important than what I was saying huh?” CL-roo asked me sounding offended.


I scanned the room for a perfect alibi and found Lee Joon of MBLAQ stealing a few glances at me discreetly. Upon finding the perfect escape goat, I smiled confidently and was surprised when Lee Joon smiled back at me with a smile that can actually break a person’s gum. I cringed a little.


“Uhm, I was looking at Joon over ther!” I pointed to Lee Joon and waved at him. He waved back at me and smiled that weird smile of his.


Bommie, like a flash of lightning, spun her chair around and faced me. “Ssantoki!! Don’t tell me you have your eyes set on yet another person??” She grabbed both my arms and shook it vigorously. “You haven’t solved that Mr. K and Mr. H dilemma, you know…” She raised her eyebrows at me as if giving a warning sign.


My brows connected. Mr. K? Mr. H??


“What the hell are you talking about BOMMA???” I exclaimed in frustration. The people inside the dressing room looked at us. We bowed to everyone in apology.


“You seriously don’t know? Kwon Jiyong and Nichkhun Horvejkul!!” She almost screamed the names which made me cover in haste. CL-roo and Minji did the same.


“Hayssst! You’re driving me crazy, Ssantoki!!” Bommie exclaimed in frustration when she successfully uncovered . “Didn’t you know that we almost died of heart attack upon seeing those two boys holding your hands while we were facing the audience earlier? You should be thankful Minho, Onew and Siwon were all taller than your boys or else you would have been busted, Ssantokki! BUSTED!” She yelled like an ahjumma.


“Arasso, arasso!” I hissed in defeat. “I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t know it would go this far…” I bowed my head in shame. I honestly did not believe Jiyong and Khun Khun would go to that extent to prove whatever they wanted to prove to me.


Bommie, CL-roo and Minji all huddled to me and gave me a comforting. “Hey, Dara-unnie. It’s ok. It’s not your fault anyway. We were just worried about you. What if a fan had taken a photo of the three of you? For sure that would make the headlines.” CL-roo told me gently, exuding the virtue of a great leader and the value of a true friend.


“Neh, unnie. It’s not your fault if you’re too irresistible.” Minji added. I smiled gratefully at our maknae and tousled her hair.


“Minkki-ah, where do you want unnie to treat you huh?” I playfully told our maknae who squealed in delight. Bommie, however, looked at us with a weird, unsatisfied expression.


“Hayssst! I really don’t know who the maknae in our group is sometimes.” She heaved a long sigh as if faced with a great dilemma. I stuck my tongue out to her which earned laughter from CL-roo and Minji.


I looked at my friends and smiled contentedly at myself. Having them around has always managed to calm me down through all my agitations. When we are all together, we sometimes forget we ever need boys to complete our lives. Really, who needs boys when you have three of the baddest females in Korea?


Then I remembered CL-roo was supposed to be telling us something important before I spaced out earlier. “CL-roo, what was that important thing you were telling us awhile ago?” I asked our leader, giving her my full attention.


“Alright, seeing as how Dara-unnie seemed to have come back to us here on earth,” She gave me a meaningful look before turning her attention to the rest of the group. “YG sajangnim called me earlier telling us that he arranged a special double celebration for us and BIGBANG tonight at Dong-wook sunbaenim’s Yeolbong.” She announced to us. I couldn’t help but let out a groan.


Oh. So Jiyong wasn’t playing around when he said that there was a celebration…


“Why are you groaning, unnie?” Minji asked, curious. I shook my head as if clearing my mind.


“Oh, it’s just that Khun Khun and the guys wanted us to go and celebrate our win with them tonight as well…” I told the girls whose faces suddenly hinted a little sadness in them.


“Oh…” Was all they said. I looked at my members and smiled cheerfully.


“Hey! Look at it this way, guys. At least we’d get to catch up with BIGBANG boys!” I exclaimed excitedly. The girls’ faces suddenly lit up.


“Oh, oh that’s right!” CL-roo blurted. “I really miss those guys so much!” Then her face turned sour. “But I swear I’d rather die than let them hear that. For sure their egos would blow up until they explode, especially that rat!” She hissed as she crossed her arms.


Bommie was smiling to herself. “Yeah… It would be really nice to catch up with them.” The Bominator, who was usually loud suddenly turned into a demure princess. “I wonder how Tabi’s doing…” She added a little too softly, making sure that the rest of the girls did not hear it. The rest of the girls, excluding me.


“I’m sure he misses you badly too.” I nudged my best friend which made her blush.


“Uhm, unnies. Have you forgotten something?” Minji asked, a little hesitant. We all turned to her, confused. She cleared before speaking. “Well, our sunbaes did not look happy after our little “performance” with 2PM earlier.” She answered, reluctantly.


I shivered as I remembered the look on Jiyong’s face when we entered the stage earlier to take a bow. I looked at the other members and noticed they wore the same expressions as well, all grim and afraid. Just like that, the baddest females of Korea turned into scaredy-cat kindergarteners.


I took in a deep breath and calmed myself. “Oh, come on, guys! They were just like that because they’re our sunbaes, older brothers! They were probably surprised that we could do such an performance like that.” I found myself cringing upon saying ‘’. The girls all smiled bravely but I know that deep down, they were just as uncomfortable as I was with upcoming double celebration.


Our “girl talk” was interrupted by a very loud voice by the door.


“YO WAZZUP, 2NE1!” It was Tabi, standing by the door with a foolish grin on his face. His smile however turned into a blush as he saw Bommie stealing a glance at him. Behind him, their maknae, Seungri pushed forward, almost making Tabi tumble.


“2NE1, let’s go!” Seungri called us out cheerfully, not even minding the deadly glares Tabi was giving him. The maknae’s eyes focused on me. “Come on, noona! Ride with us.” His smile grew bigger as he motioned for me to follow him.


I looked at the members and gave them a “you-see-they’ve-forgotten-about-it-already” look. The other members smiled a little easily now.


But I think I spoke too soon as I heard a very distinct clearing of the throat. Our eyes roamed to the guy that materialized to Tabi’s side.


“She’s riding with me.” Jiyong spoke with so much authority that I wondered if I was a part of BIGBANG to follow his orders without hesitation.


“Ya, Jiyong! I think it would be better if all us girls will just ride our---“


“Hyung already told the driver of your van to go home since it’s his birthday today.” Jiyong cut me off and silenced me in the process. Really, how can you counter a statement like that?


“Uhm, I could ride with Seungri and the rest of the boys. For sure there will still be seats available. Right, Seungri-ah?” I looked at Seungri, pleadingly. After the “incident” at the stage earlier, I wasn’t really comfortable with being in a car alone with Jiyong. Who knows what the Kraken would do?? I shivered at the thought.


“Neh, neh. Noona can ride with, hyung!” Seungri smiled widely at their leader. His smiled faded, though, as he saw their leader narrowed his eyes into tiny dangerous slits.


“CL-roo can ride with you instead!” I pushed CL-roo who looked petrified at the suggestion, especially after seeing the deadly glare from Jiyong’s eyes.


“Actually, it would be a better idea if you ride oppa.” We all widened our eyes at CL-roo’s suggestion. I thought I would faint at that moment. Jiyong, however, was wearing an amused look on his face and a naughty smile was slowly creeping up on his face. I raised an eyebrow and narrowed my eyes at him. CL-roo, upon realizing her “boo-boo”, suddenly looked alarmed. “I mean, ride WITH him, unnie. That was what I meant to say. I’ll just ride with Seungri and the others.” She looked at me and bowed in apology. I just smiled weakly at her.


Seungri looked overjoyed at what she said. “Neh, noona! Just ride hyung, I mean, ride with Jiyong-hyung.” He stifled a giggle. He was obviously enjoying this.


Jiyong looked at me intently, as if waiting for my answer. I just sighed in defeat. “Arasso, it seems it has been decided.” I looked at Jiyong and to my chagrin, his menacing glare earlier turned into a wide, silly, victorious smile.


He walked towards me and picked up my bag. He walked towards the exit but stopped upon noticing I wasn’t following him. He gave me an eyebrow and motioned for me to follow him. “Dara, come on!” He told me in such a business-like tone that all I could do was give him a curt nod.


I sighed as I followed him out. 


This will surely be a long night…


















We were walking in silence towards the parking lot. I honestly didn’t know what to talk to him about. What should I ask him? How are you and Yoona? Are you happy with her? Does she kiss better than I do?


Hayssst! Why are you even thinking of that, Sandara???


I walked absentmindedly, unaware that we were just a few steps away from his Fuji White Range Rover. Just as he was about to open the door for me, I suddenly remembered something.


“Aigoo! How could I have forgotten?!” I accidentally spilled what my mind was thinking. I turned to Jiyong and bowed my head apologetically.


“I just need to call someone first. I’ll be back.” I told him as I dashed towards the building. He stopped me just as I was about to enter the building again.


“Why don’t you just make the call while we’re on our way?” He suggested, eyeing me suspiciously. I reluctantly looked at my phone then back to him. He just nodded as if understanding my dilemma.


“I’ll be back immediately, arasso?” I told him as I dashed inside, not letting him speak further.


When I was safely inside and Jiyong was no longer in sight, I dialed a number and waited for the other line to pick up.


“Dara!” The man on the other line answered. I smiled upon noticing he was back to normal again.


“Khun Khun, I’m so sorry but me and the girls can’t join you tonight…” I heard him heaved a sigh and I felt guilty.


“It’s just that YG sajangnim called CL-roo and told us to go----“


“No need to explain, Dara-yah. I understand.” He told me calmly. I heaved a sigh of relief. “But you better make up to me, arasso?” He told me as if giving me an order.


“Aye aye, captain!” I raise my right hand to my forehead in salute as I spoke those words. I heard him chuckle on the other line.


We bid our goodbyes and I made way towards the parking lot, skipping happily.


















“Jiyong-sshi.” I looked up and saw Yoona walking towards me. She greeted me with a big smile.


“Yoona-sshi!” I was surprised to see her here. I looked around, anticipating her girls to come up from behind her but saw no trace of them. Weird…


“You’re alone? Where are the other girls?” I asked her. Usually, her members tag along her wherever she goes. Yoona pouted her lips.


“Why are you asking about other girls when I am here? Are you trying to make me jealous?” She playfully asked me. I looked at her seriously.


“Yoona-sshi. There’s no media here. We don’t need to act.” I told her meaningfully. I saw her face fell and immediately regretted that way my words rolled out. “I mean, it’s just that we don’t need to-----“


“I understand exactly what you mean.” She told me with a weak smile. I bowed apologetically.


Her smile grew bigger, however. “Come on. Let’s go to Woobar. I’m feeling down right now.” She told me casually. I stopped her before she could open the door of my ride.


“I can’t. I’m going to Doon-wook-hyung’s restaurant.” I told her flatly. Her face fell but after awhile, she pasted a smile.


“Then I’ll come with you. I kinda miss the food there. Been so long since BoA and I last visited.” She answered with a bright smile. I frowned as I was starting to get a little irritated at her persistence.


“Yoona, we can’t…” I started saying when I felt a presence standing beside.



















“Don’t be so hard baby let me stay… I’ll just be around, I won’t get in your way…”


I was busy singing while walking that I didn’t realize I was standing beside Jiyong already. He was looking at me with that weird expression of his.


“Jiyongie, I’m so sorry I took so….” My voice trailed off I heard someone coughing. I turned to my left and gasped as I saw Yoona standing just near us.


“Y-yoona-sshi!” I greeted her lamely, bowing to her. She smiled at me and bowed as well. I looked at her then Jiyong then bowed my head in shame.


“Aigoo… I didn’t mean to interrupt your conversation.” I bowed nonstop to them. “I, uh, I think I’ll just ride with, uhm, Seungri-ah and the rest. You guys continue what you’re talk.” I was about to leave when a firm hand grasped mine, keeping me in place.


“Dara…” Jiyong looked at me intently as if begging me to stay. I looked at Yoona apologetically, ashamed at how she was being treated by her boyfriend.


“Aniyo. It’s ok. I was just telling him that I will accompany him to Se7en’s restaurant.” She told me with a smile. I gulped as I saw Jiyong’e eyes narrowing.


“Neh. You can ride with Jiyong-sshi. I’ll ride with the others.” I told her, giving a weak smile. I tried to pull my hand away from Jiyong but he just tightened his hold on me.


“Ani, Dara. You’re riding with me.” He told me, giving me a serious expression. He turned to Yoona. “I’m sorry, Yoona-sshi. But the party is exclusive to YG family.” He told her flatly. Yoona’s face fell but I saw that did her best to compose herself and give us a smile.


“Neh, I understand.” She told us then quickly made her way towards the building. Jiyong started guiding me towards the front seat when Yoona turned around.


“Oh, Dara-sshi. Congratulations, by the way, for your win. You’re really a lucky girl! I think I envy you.” She gave me a wink before heading straight inside the building.


Once inside the van, I felt like a huge lump forming a word on my throat: GUILT.

















Her silence was slowly killing me as I drove our way towards hyung’s restaurant. We have encountered awkward silence like this before but somehow, the kind of silence atmosphere we have right now is so eerie that I couldn’t help but feel goose bumps forming on my arms.


I took the opportunity to talk to her when the traffic light turned to “STOP”.


“What’s wrong, D?” I asked her. I waited and waited but she did not answer. “Ya! I’m asking you what’s wrong and you’re------“


“You seriously don’t know what’s wrong?!” I was taken aback by her tone. Her face was turning red and she was fuming mad.


“NEH! I don’t know what’s wrong!” I retorted. She turned to look at me with wide eyes and shook her head furiously as if what I told her was incredible.


“Is that the way to treat your girlfriend??!” She yelled back. My face softened as I finally understood what was making her suddenly angry. I stepped on the gas as the traffic light turned to “GO”.


“Ani, baby girl. I’m so sorry for yelling at you. It’s just that you were------“ I was cut off by a hard slap on my face. I looked at her in surprise.


“HAVE YOU NO SHAME??!” She asked me, looking at me disgustingly. “Yoona was there with us earlier, for godsake, Jiyong!!! Yoona! And you treat her like dirt! Like dirt, Jiyong! Can’t you see that she just wanted to spend some time with you and you blew her off just like that??! And you even dared to hold my hand! What was that??? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU??!!!”



SCCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!










SCCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!


I was cut off by the sudden screeching of the tires. The van stopped so suddenly that I thought my body would fly out of the van. Thank goodness for Jiyong’s arm preventing that from happening. 


I stole a glance at him and saw that his head was bowed down, touching the steering wheel. I couldn’t decipher his expression which made me fear for my life.


I think I have gone too far… 


He slowly raised his head and I prepared myself for the wrath of Kwon Jiyong. But instead of letting out fire like a dragon, he just chuckled. He parked the car and slowly made his way out.


I followed him curiously and ran to his side. I was surprised to know that we were standing near the Han River, our favorite spot. “Hey! I was talking to you!!” I exclaimed. Much to my dismay, he was still chuckling.


“YA! What’s funny??!” I asked him, annoyed by his arrogance. He looked at me incredulously.


“You really weren’t listening to any of the things I told you in the washroom earlier, neh?” He asked me with an amused grin on his face. My eyebrows wrinkled as I tried to rack my brain and remember what he had told me there.


“Well, uhm.. you told me that ah..” I really couldn’t remember a thing he told me. Haysssst, Dara!!! You scattered-brain you…


“Yoona and I are not a couple or should I say, we’re not a real couple.” He explained. I gasped and looked at him, confused as ever. “Soo Man-sshi suggested that we had to pretend to be a couple so that our images would not be tainted after a series of photos of us kissing in the club circulated in tabloids.” His eyes shown regret.


“And you obliged??” My ears could not believe that a man like him, principled and honest, would resort to such low publicity stunt just to cover up his mistake. His face fell upon seeing my expression.


“You’re disgusted at me, I see.” He said as he bowed his head, a hint of sadness and hurt could be heard from his voice. I shook my head and placed a hand on his shoulder.


“Ani. I was just surprised that you would allow yourself to participate in a publicity stunt like that. You’re better than that, Jiyong.” I told him sincerely. He met my eyes as if searching for understanding.


“Soo Man-sshi said it was for our good. Frankly, I know that he suggested that more for Yoona’s sake. He couldn’t bear having one of his biggest idols tainted. I was supposed to say no.” He answered. “But then I realized it was my fault that Yoona was in that kind of situation in the first place. I knew that I must man up and own up to my mistake. That’s why I agreed.” He finished. I looked at his pained expression and realized that no matter how crooked his way of thinking was to solving that problem, he did that out of good intention of his heart. Only a few people know this but Jiyong is one of the most selfless human being in this planet. No matter how tired or hurt he is, he will still take time to give his support to people who matters to him. For him, his loved ones always come first.


That was one of the reasons I fell in love and stayed in love with him for a long time. He would make you feel how much he loves you, even if it means giving his all and leaving nothing to himself.


“I realized though that what I did, did not bring any good to the person who matters most in my life.” He looked at me intently. “I think I have done my part in preventing Yoona’s image from being tainted. I’m going public and tell the world that we have broken up. It’s time that I claim my happiness again.” He took my hand and clasped it with his, intertwining our fingers.


I knew I should be happy, finally knowing the truth that he didn’t leave me because he loved someone else. But somehow, a warning signal kept on ringing inside my head, ringing repeatedly, over and over.


“But the media, the netizens, they love you as a couple. Yoona, I think she…” He put his finger on my lips as if to silence me. 


“Enough about other people! We have been living our lives worrying about other people’s lives. Don’t you think it’s about time we worry about ours?” He whispered to my ears which felt like a soft wind in the cool night.


“I’m tired of always protecting other people when I can’t even take care of the person that I care most about…” He whispered to me as he wrapped his arms around me, enveloping me in his warmth and making me feel as if I was in the safest place.


Here in his arms…