Please Don’t Go Home




His kiss showed no signs of stopping.


I was momentarily lost at his sudden aggressiveness that I almost failed to realize that we were both in reality.


This is not a commercial shoot!


His kiss deepened, claiming every part of my fragile lips.


What am I doing? He’s…


I felt him moved his hands and encircled my waist tightly, as if not wanting to let go.


No…


I felt my eyes watering, disoriented from the event that was suddenly happening.


He’s…


He had no intention of letting me go even if my hands started getting limp.


He’s not Jiyong!


My body trembled as the truth stung me like a cold slap in the face.


“NO!”


He jumped back in surprise but his hands still held my elbows in support.


I pulled away from his grasps and covered my trembling mouth. I felt hot tears falling down uncontrollably, making it so hard for me to conceal my emotion.


His eyes suddenly grew worried as he took in my appearance. I didn’t give a damn if he saw me looking like a rag doll thrown in the sewer.


That was not supposed to happen.


This is not supposed to be happening!


That was not the reason I wanted to see him.


All I wanted was to share with him what I’ve realized these past couple of days.


He was the one who stood by me and has been a very good friend of mine.


I wanted to share with him how I have overcome my fear.


My fear of entrusting my heart again to someone.


Someone who has broken my heart before but has taught me to give another chance.


I wanted to share with him how my heart learned to start beating again.


I wanted to share with him my happiness that I am now ready to give my heart again…


… to Kwon Jiyong.


“Mianhe…” I heard him say, his head bowed down as I continued crying, spilling tears for me, Jiyong and him.


“Aniyo.” I answered, my lips trembling as I blurted out the word. “I didn’t know… I thought you…”


I couldn’t verbalize the many things that have been running in my mind.


All my mind could come up with was a simple word.


“Mianhe…”


I felt more tears flowing as I said that word.


Mianhe… a simple but genuine word.


Khun Khun had been nothing but good to me. He had listened to all my rants, to all my cries and he never, even once, judged me for feeling the way I do.


But I just couldn’t ignore what I have been feeling lately.


I have finally come to terms with my feelings for him, Jiyong.


I was finally sure that my heart was ready to offer it again to him.


I was finally ready to allow myself the happiness we deserve.


But this revelation of Khun Khun suddenly made me feel ashamed, as if I have been selfish all along.


“Mianhe… I didn’t know… Mianhe…” I said in between sobs. I clutched my heart as I found it hard to breathe.


Khun Khun raised his head and went near me. He wiped my tears with his bare hands.


“Aniyo. I shouldn’t have surprised you like that.” He said, avoiding my gaze. “I shouldn’t have claimed what didn’t belong to me.” He cast his eyes down, as if afraid that I’d see his vulnerability.


“Khun Khun I….” 



“Neh. I knew you were falling in love with him again.”


I was shocked by what he said.


“H-how did you…?”


“I have been watching you all this time. I saw the way you looked at him, the way you smiled at him, the way you cracked up with his every joke..”


“I’m not insensitive, Dara. “


His words stung me. He really isn’t insensitive.


It was I who was just that.


“But I just had to give it a try. I needed to know if there was even an ounce of chance that you and I could be together. Even if just an ounce…”


He looked at me straight in the eye and all I could give him was an apologetic look.


Mianhe, Khun Khun. I can love you like a dear friend of mine…


But I can’t love you the way I love Jiyong.


I stepped a little closer to Khun Khun and cupped his face once again with all the tenderness I could muster.


He smiled at me as he felt my touch. “It’s ok, Dara. At least I was able to let you know how you truly mean to me.”


I smiled gratefully to him. “I am so lucky that the Thai Prince of 2PM found me worthy of his time.” I bowed at him jokingly, hoping to ease the awkwardness of our situation.


“You will always be worthy of my time, Dara.” He answered seriously. “No matter how busy I am, I will drop anything just to accommodate you.”


“Khun…” I trailed off as I felt the air of awkwardness engulfing us once again.


“No worries, Dara. I’m not forcing you to love me. I’m just being honest about my feelings for you.” 


“At the end of the day, your heart will still be the one to decide who it will beat for.” He pointed towards my heart.


“And I think it already made its decision tonight.” He smiled and looked at me knowingly before walking away.


I looked up at him and smiled, silently thanking him for being Khun Khun, the guy who continuously supports and stands by me.














I walked away, before she could see the tears that were starting to form in my eyes.


“Mianhe… I didn’t know… Mianhe…”


Don’t say sorry, Dara.


Don’t say sorry for loving someone else…


It’s true that I have already foreseen this to happen.


Heck! I have been preparing myself for this, ever since the day I realized I have fallen for her.


But finally experiencing the pain of having it confirmed by her no less was just unbearable.


It was like crushing every fiber in my being.


But I’ll try to be strong.


I wouldn't let her see me in pain. If I do, I know that Dara would only blame herself.


So all I could do is this. 


Walk away when the tears cannot be stopped anymore.


And stay by her side when she needs someone she can lean on and depend on in anything in her life.
















Jiyong hurriedly made his way back to the waiting room.


He wanted to get out of the Karaoke as fast as he could but his feet were dragging him back to that room.


Inside the room, chaos was all around.


The remaining members of Big Bang and 2PM scrammed to prepare for our last performance.


Seungri walked towards me and placed his arm on my shoulder.


I could feel myself starting to tremble all of a sudden.


Seungri noticed it as well.


“Hyung, are you alright?” He asked, worriedly looking at me.


Jiyong, fight through this…


“Neh.” I answered with a small smile. 


“Arasso! Come on, let’s get you into position!” He dragged me towards the guys who were busy doing last minute practice.


Suengri was so excited that he literally dragged me. Too tired to complain, I just let him.


“Why are you suddenly so excited?” I asked him.


“Well, we’re going to perform ‘Ang Ganda Ko’!” He answered


I just looked at him blankly.


“Hyung, this is Dara noona’s song!” I flinched upon hearing her name. I looked at Seungri. Good thing he was looking elsewhere.


“She told me yesterday that she was happy, so happy that we will perform her song.” Seungri said. He had a faraway look in his eyes.


How I wish I could go far away as well…


He suddenly looked serious. “She also told me that it made her happier knowing you will be performing her song. That it has always been her wish that you will sing her song, in front of many people.”


I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t know what to feel about that.


“You know, hyung. Dara noona might be dorky and all,” Seungri smiled as he turned to me.


“But I know she’s all serious when it comes to you.” I looked at him and he gave me another smile.


“I sometimes envy you seeing as how you have someone who holds you dear to her heart.”


I gulped at what he said.


“I sometimes wish I have someone like that as well.” He finished with sadness in his voice. He looked to his left where CL was standing close to Taecyeon. I nodded as I understood what he was trying to say.


“Be strong, maknae.” I tried so hard to prevent my voice from cracking as I felt my heart suddenly breaking into tiny pieces. I placed me left arm on his shoulder.


“Just be strong. You will find your happiness once again.” 


Be strong, Jiyong.


Just be strong.


You will find your happiness again.

















I gathered up all my strength to walk to the stage.


I decided to stay.


I guess my heart was so used to the pain that it longed for it.


I glanced at Nichkhun who was standing across me and noticed how gloomy he was looking as well.


How can you look like that when you already have her?


How can you be so unhappy when you already have the only source of my happiness?


I felt my hand formed into a fist. I clenched it tightly, so tight that it resembled the clenching of my heart inside.


I heard the audience scream my name.


G-Dragon.


But I don’t feel like I was G-Dragon tonight.


G-Dragon who is the famous leader of Big Bang.


G-Dragon who is brash and uncaring bad-as$ rapper. 


I am just Kwon Jiyong.


Kwon Jiyong whose heart decided to love in spite of the pain.


Kwong Jiyong who yearns to forget, forget all the memories that gave him the reason to live.


I heard the music being played and heard the screaming fans yelling G-Dragon.


For tonight, I will let my heart suffer from all the pain.


For tonight, I will be Kwon Jiyong, the man who gave his heart and soul to Sandara Park.


Tonight, I will be Kwon Jiyong who will give Sandara Park her wish.


For the last time.


Before I, Kwon Jiyong, completely walk away.


And after tonight, I Kwon Jiyong, will become the uncaring and bad-as$ rapper G-Dragon for good.


















I smiled brightly as the audience cheered her on.


I, along with 2NE1, YG and JYP cooked a surprise for the boys. 


I, together with the rest of 2NE1, entered the stage and sang ‘Ang Ganda Ko’ while the boys were dancing, obviously in shock with their sudden appearance.


My eyes automatically scanned for the face I had wanted to see.


My smile grew bigger as she spotted him, Jiyong, on the left side of the stage, perfectly dancing to the choreography.


He looked at me and gave me a smile.


But even in his smile, I knew that something was not right. He had sadness in his eyes.


Hang on, Jiyongie.


After tonight’s performance, I will tell you everything.


We will finally be together, as it was meant to be.


I felt my eyes welling as I saw him doing his best to perform.


Kamsahamnida, Jiyongie.


Thank you for granting my wish and for loving me unconditionally.


I felt a single tear rolled down my cheeks and quickly wiped it but Jiyong already saw it.


I smiled once again at him and tried to talk to him through my eyes.


There will be no more tears after this, Jiyongie.


Just you and me and our happiness.

















Our performance ended with a bang! The audience loved our performances that at the end of the song, the audience screamed “More! More! More!”.


We all just bowed apologetically and waved at them.


I scanned the stage again for Jiyong, excited to tell him what I have wanted to tell him since earlier.


My eyes widened as I saw him approached the stage, a guitar in his hand.


Our group looked at one another, confusion in our eyes.


YG and JYP instructed us to exit the stage as Jiyong walked towards the center.


The audience screamed, already aware of what was going to happen.


I was still standing at the edge of the stage, unaware of what Jiyong had in mind.


The audience grew silent as he moved his lips near the microphone.


“Eight months ago, I started writing this song for a very special person in my life.”


I gulped.


“I have hurt her to the point of pushing her away.”


The audience remained silent, listening intently to his every word.


“I thought what I did would give her the peace that she had longed for.”


“I thought what I did would make her happy eventually.”


“But what I did just put a strain on us.”


“I couldn’t reach her anymore.”


I heard his voice cracked. I covered my mouth as I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes.


“I realized that I was just fooling myself.”


“No matter how much I try to protect her, no matter how much I try to give her the peace she wanted,”


“In the end, I just made her suffer.”


“So I decided to fight for her.”


“I fought for her though I knew that there were no guarantees that she would still be the same person who loved me before.”


I saw a tear escaped from his eye.


“But no matter how much I fought for her, no matter how much I showed her that I truly loved her and love her still, one thing remains the same.”


“I have hurt her so much.”


“I guess I can understand whatever her decision may be.”


He turned to his left and looked at me, his eyes reflecting intense sadness and hurt.


I looked at him in confusion.


Why does he sound like he’s giving up?


He strummed his guitar and moved his lips towards the microphone again, his eyes never leaving me.


I know from the way you look at me, your heart’s not at peace

I know from the way I look at you, you know that I’m not cold like this

But sometimes, we must do things to mend our broken hearts

Sometimes, we need some time apart





You know how much I hate to say goodbye

You know damn well how I hate to see you cry

But sometimes, we need to give ourselves some time

To leave all our hurt and pain behind




I felt his pain through his music. I felt his every tear with every word he sang.




I thought I had what it took to fight for us, but in the end, I was just an idiot.

I let you walk away from my life because of a little lie I never meant to say.

I refused to give you an explanation when it was more than what you deserved.

I made you believe our battle was a losing cause.

I deserted you when you needed me the most.

You deserve more than this man can ever give you.




I felt my own tears flowing with every word he sang. His every word stung my fragile heart.




They say our greatest love only comes once in our lives 

You left me but you came back, now that’s already twice

I promised myself that I will never ever let you go no more

But sometimes letting go is what we need so I’ll close now my door




I gasped at his words. 


No, Jiyongie! What are you saying?!


I shook my head violently as I looked at him with pleading eyes. I expected him to understand but he just looked at me with so much sadness that it was appropriate for his tears to roll down uncontrollably.


His voice was cracking and trembling uncontrollably.



I thought I was the man who could make you happy and give you all of your heart’s own desire

I tried to show you all that my heart wanted to say but I guess you have to walk away

I refused to see that what I did to gain your love had only hurt you much more

I guess this is the night to finally say goodbye

For the last time, I will give you what you deserve

For you deserve more than what this man can ever give 




He looked away as he ended his song and let all his tears escape his burning eyes.


I, too, cried along with him, feeling all my tears and his burning my being.


No, Jiyongie! What are you saying?


You can’t let me go!


I don’t want you to let me go!


I silently screamed those words as I could not find my own voice.


I saw him bowed his head as if in defeat. 


The audience remained shock at what they had witness.


G-Dragon, the confident and fierce leader of Big Bang bowed his head in defeat.


He started to move towards his right while I remained rooted to my position.


After a minute of hesitation, I snapped back to reality and ran after him.


I entered the waiting room and scanned place. 2NE1 immediately went to my side.


“Unnie..” CL placed her hand on my shoulder.


I ignored her and continued scanning the room.


“Ssantoki, are you alright?”


I pulled away from their grasps as I stormed across the room.


“Seungri, where is he?” I asked him as I saw him looking at me.


“Noona, he just grabbed his bag and exited without talking to any of us.”


I frowned. My face reflected worry and confusion.


I ran quickly towards the parking lot.


I ignore the screams and yells of the fans as I dashed towards the space I knew he parked his car.


I stopped at that space and found it empty.


He’s gone.


The words cut my heart like million shattered glasses.


I took my phone and dialed his number.


Once..


Twice..


Thrice…


Ten times.


But he wouldn’t answer.


Damn it, Jiyong! Don’t do this to me!


Don't you dare walk away from me again!


Not before you hear what I have to say!


I hurriedly pressed my finger to the keyboard of my phone. My hand was trembling as I did so.




Jiyongie, meet me in Shiba Park. I have something important to tell you.
Please come.

D




I clutched my phone in my heart, afraid that if I let it go, Jiyong would go away once again from my life.


















I sat in one of the benches in Shiba Park. 


All around me, lovers whispered gentle words of love and assurance.


At that moment, my heart felt love.


I was so sure of myself that I love Jiyong and that I want to be a part of his life again.


But I cannot feel the assurance that he will still be there to accept the love I have for him.


Please, Jiyongie.


Please don’t leave me again.


I bowed my head, feeling helpless and desperate.


I saw someone standing in front of me and felt my heart suddenly leaped.


“Jiyongie!”


I opened my arms to embrace him but what welcomed me was not the sight I wanted to see.


“Noona, Jiyong told me to tell you not to wait for him.”


His words crushed me. Right then and there, I wanted to die.


“He left for home."


I blinked, not fully grasping the meaning of his words.


"He already left for Korea.”