Selfish



I felt our lips touched.

One second...

Two...


Three...


Four...

I lost count of how long we were kissing. All I could think of at that moment was how to stop my heart from beating like crazy.

I wanted to open my eyes and take a peek at Khun Khun but somehow my eyes wanted to remain close, to enjoy the sweet sensation of his lips touching mine.

His kiss started getting deeper, more intense. I found myself giving in to his every move, reciprocating his kiss.

It wasn't until I heard our director shout "Cut!"that I was able to pull myself away from him.

We were just standing a few inches from each other, staring at each other's eyes.

Neither made a move. It was like we were rooted to the ground.

Just like a statue facing each other.

We stared at each other's eyes, probably asking the same questions.

Were all that just make-believe?

I clutched my heart.

If so, 

then why does my heart beat uncontrollably?




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I kept my gaze on her. 

Somehow, I just can't take my eyes off her.

That kiss. That amazing kiss.

How did that happen?

How did I let that happen?

She's so vulnerable. She is still hurting.

Probably, in that heart of hers, she still longs for Jiyong.

But that kiss...

I have felt it. And I'm sure she have felt it too.

But all of this is just make-believe. 

After the shoot, she'll turn into my noona again and I, her dongsaeng.

All of these are just make-believe, right?

I bit my lips.

If so, 

then why is my heart beating uncontrollably?



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I stared hard at the monitor, my mind not fully grasping what was happening in front of me.

For a moment, my mind stopped working.

All the noise, the movement of people around me, the temperature in the room.

They all faded in the background.

My world stopped for a few seconds. Literally.

All that replayed in my mind was the kiss that was shared by that guy and the girl I hold dear to me.

The way she closed her eyes and gently moved her lips to accommodate his felt like a thousand knives stabbing my heart again and again.

The way she stood there, staring at his eyes, as if silently talking to him felt like a rope strangling my heart, slowly... painfully.

It was too much. All of these are too much.

I felt hot tears forming in my eyes. 

Dara... how could you hurt me this much?

Tears started falling down, rolling easily down my cheeks.

I ran. I ran and I ran.

I ran until my feet brought me to her.

She looked up at me.

I met her eyes. 

She reached out her hand to touch my face but I grabbed it and pull her as I ran again.

I ran and I ran, pulling her with me, paying no attention to her plea to stop.

I ran as if I was taking her away from something.

Something that will take her away from me forever.

We reached a small room. I opened the door and pulled her with me inside the small room, isolated from everything.

I could feel her sharp breaths. I know she was probably mad at me at the moment.

"Mianhe." I said. This is the only place I know I can have you alone. Just me and you.

She started making her way towards the door when I stopped her.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face on her back.

In that position, I let my tears flowed again, spilling them on her.

I felt her stiff shoulders relaxed a little.

"What do you want from me, Jiyong?" She asked, her voice soft yet firm.

"Stay here with me for awhile." I answered through my tears. "Let me hold you like this for awhile."

I tightened my embrace to the point of suffocating her but she said nothing.

I felt her taking a deep breath. "Why are you wasting your tears on me, Jiyong?" She sounded exasperated. "I don't mean anything to you anymore." Her voice breaking down.

"That's not true!" I almost yelled. "God! You mean the most to me, Dara!"

"Then tell me! Tell me why you had to give up on us?" The tears are spilling from her eyes as well. "Why did you do it?" She was yelling through her tears. "Why?!"

"I wanted to protect you!" I yelled back, finally revealing to her the real reason why I did what I did.

She paused for awhile, shocked at my words. "Protect me?" She asked, her voice full of anger. "Protect me from what?"

I bit my lips. "Protect you from me." I bowed my head. My body trembled from suppressing the tears from spilling further.

"Why?" She asked, almost in a whisper.

"I wanted to protect you from the nasty rumors... the scandals... the negative reactions of the fans... your insecurities..." She just listened.

"You acted as if those were nothing and would not affect you but I could see that it was taking its toll on you." I bit my lips again.


"Jagiya."I whispered softly to her ear. She turned to face me and gave me her sweetest smile. But I caught it. Behind that blinding smile was a trace of sadness.

She hugged me and led me to my bed. Our bed. 

She laid in bed and asked me to join her. I laid next to her.

"Sing for me, Jagiya." She said softly as if dreaming, her eyes closed.

I smiled and gently kissed her forehead, softly caressing her hair.

Baby good night

Should I draw the image of her sleeping

Don't be shy anymore, you're already my girl

Even if it's not clear it's that way to me

You're more than I deserve

You're perfect 

Thank you for being by my side baby, my lady

She smiled upon hearing the song.

Know how much I love you beautiful girl

Like a picture of a child to me

And frozen before a shadow

There's nothing I can do

With a shaky voice

With dry lips

Come a step closer to me and tenderly whisper

The surrounding firelight dances

I let my fingers travel the curve of her angelic face.

I always dream of you

I bit my lips, resisting to plant kisses on hers. Afraid to awake her sleeping form.

Baby good night

I planted small kisses on her nose.

Don't wanna say goodbye

I kissed her cheeks as gently as I could.

Baby good night 

I planted a small kiss on her lips, barely touching it.

Don't wanna say goodbye

She was already peacefully sleeping by the time I sang the last line.

I looked once again at her sleeping form and smiled contentedly.

I slowly made my way out of bed. I had to finish a song we were planning to include in our comeback album.

I started closing the internet tabs that she was using awhile ago when something caught my eye.

poor delusional fans of dara. g-dragon will never like her..y'all know how perfectionist g-dragon is, right? dara is not even talented....

you're right! i like g-bom better! #_#

g-bom! or maybe cl? leader to leader. plus they're both cool. dara's just a dork. kkk

what would gd do with a philippine reject? gd doesn't need a corn star.

fyi, dara is not a corn star.. she just did a y pictorial once and that's it!

corn star or not, she's still a biatch! thinking she can get all of bigbang...

if gd is indeed dating her, probably won't last a month.kkk

come on, guys! stop with your bashing. what if dara gets to read this? how do you think she'll feel??

i don't care eh eh eh eh eh!!

I looked immediately at her and noticed that a single tear was falling from her eye.

"Jagiya..." I whispered, my heart breaking into pieces. "Why do hide this from me?"

"Why do you pretend to be ok when you're crying even in your sleep?" I bowed my head, frustrated with myself.


"Jiyong, you should have anticipated this. You and Dara are idols. Both of you were bound to get pros and antis."

"But sajangnim, the things they were saying about her is just below the belt..."

"Dara had been through several controversies and scandals already, even worse than this. She'll get through this." 

"Have faith in her."



I saw her talking to Bom. She was crying her heart out.

"Bommie, I don't know.." She buried her face in Bom' lap. 

"It's just too much... everything... they don't like me for him."

"They keep on digging my past, finding reasons to make me undeserving of Jiyong." She cried. "They're even comparing me to you!" She buried her face on her palms.

"I don't want to deal with this anymore, Bommie..." Her words felt like a sting in my heart.

I walked away, finally making a decision to let her go.

To finally give her the peace she deserves.


I broke our embrace and slowly turned her face towards me. Even in the darkness, her tears glistened.

"That's why I broke up with you." I gently wiped some of the tears from her eyes.

"I would rather not be beside you and watch you from afar. Than have you with me while you continue hurting." I managed to say through my tears. 

"Then why did you follow me here?" She asked through her tears. I bowed my head.

"Because I realized that I cannot bear not being with you." I voiced out what my heart wanted to say a long time ago.

"That I am selfish to want you to be with me again. To love me again." I said, pleading for her to grant my wish.

She looked at me straight in the eye."You are selfish." She said, her voice like venom. "After all the hurt and pain you put me through, you expect me to come running back to you just because you finally admitted the reason you left me?" 

"To protect me?" She repeated, angrily. "What am I to you, Jiyong? A child? A child you need to protect?" The tears started falling again.

"Just because you saw me kissing Khun Khun you decided suddenly to get me back? YOU REALLY ARE SELFISH!"She cried.

I wanted to rid her of the pain she was feeling. I wanted to take all the hurt I have inflicted on her.

But I didn't know what else to do. I let my heart take control of my actions.

I pulled her close to me and claimed her lips. She struggled but I was too strong.

I kissed her, kissed her with all the longing that I kept bottled up inside me.

I kissed her, kissed her with all the tenderness I felt for her.

I kissed her, kissed her with all the love and devotion that never wavered even when she left.

I felt her respond to my kiss. I closed my eyes and let our moment take over my whole being.

I felt us becoming one again. Dara and I.

But she suddenly pulled away from our kiss, as if we have just committed a fatal mistake.

"You're too selfish, Jiyong." She cried, touching her lips.

She made her way towards the door. She paused just as she was about to open it.

"If you had just stuck around a little longer, you would have known what I told Bom," She said, her voice, void of any emotion.

"I don't want to deal with it anymore."

"But I couldn't give up for you." She said sadly, as she exited the room.

For the second time, she walked out of my life.