The Last Chapter: There is no what if.

Part I/III

This is how I disappear.

Jiyong peeked into the dark hospital room and smiled after his eyes landed on sleeping Dara. She was sitting on a chair beside her mother's bed deep asleep, her head hanging low. Her mother was asleep too so Jiyong found it safe to tiptoe in the room. On his way he took off his blazer and then he gently placed it over Dara's shoulders. Pale moonlight was throwing a shadow over the bed and his gaze slid at the window, it was full moon today. Full and complete.

A sad sigh left his lips and he turned to look at Dara again, not able to resist the temptation to squat next to the chair and take a peak at her serene sleeping face. How much she must be suffering. He bit his lower lip, crossing his arms over his knees and leaning his chin on top of it all. “I'm so sorry baby” he whispered. At moments like this feeling of guilt would kick in and torture him even stronger than ever before and he found it to hard to breathe. How could he ever thank her enough for understanding and forgiving a dirty person like him? Those many times when he almost forced her to have and even made sure to be extra harsh, all those cruel words and ignorance. That Beast he was, how could she ever accept him?

“And yet I have had the weakness, and have still the weakness, to wish you to know with what a sudden mastery you kindled me, heap of ashes that I am, into fire.” 
― Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Jiyong closed his eyes and bit his lips tightly together. How could he ever be sorry enough? A person like him having such a wonderful woman by his side... it seemed to be so wrong. But he forced himself to think positively, it was her choice and he would never be harsh to her again. As long as she wanted to have him by her side he would be there, forever. To fulfill her silliest wish was his greatest happiness. 

But he was afraid... that maybe... he didn't have that much time left to be there for her. What to do to fulfill her dreams as soon as possible? To make sure that she would always be happy? He didn't want to leave her behind, he didn't want to see her cry because of him again, he didn't want her to be lonely. That's why, he had decided that before every single problem regarding the gangs gets solved he wouldn't start anything with her but... he couldn't hold back. Or, perhaps this was for better, at least she would have some good memories, at least those 3 minutes.

Love is worth everything.

Always.

Smiling his loving smile Jiyong raised up his hand to caress Dara's smooth cheek, her skin had always been good. What a blessing for her. Even though it wouldn't have been it didn't matter to him, anyway. Even if she dressed weirdly, was still chubby, or even if she wasn't as pretty, he would still love her as much. The more he looked at her the prettier she got and he couldn't get enough, finding himself getting lost into her again like countless times before. He could stare at her for hours and never get tired of it. While trailing her jaw his fingers slightly and gently gripped on it for a mere second. He wiped away that thin trail of drool, chuckling by himself. “Baby” he whispered. “My baby.”

When Jiyong took a glance at the mother's bed he got a fright and fell to the side, his eyes wide open. She sat there looking at him with an unreadable expression on her face, her eyes glistening in the darkness and slowly filling with hate that buried everything under it's burning flames. He thought she'd start screaming and wake Dara up, that would be a disaster. Here he was thinking he wanted to make her life easier but every time he was around she ended up suffering. Every single time he popped in front of her it would always mean bad news. Was he really cursed?

“I will leave” Jiyong said hastily. “I'm sorry.”

“I want to talk to you” she unexpectedly whispered. In surprise, Jiyong turned to look at her, so afraid of what would be coming. But he couldn't decline. This time, she seemed to be back to her normal self again and there were a few important questions he needed to ask. So he let her walk out from the room first and then followed, stealing one last glimpse of Dara. If he knew this would be the last time he saw her before everything collapsed down like a tower build of cards, he would have ran to her, woken her up, apologized and then kissed like never before. And told her hundred times that he loved her. Only her.

“What are you standing there for? Greet me properly” Dara's mother ordered. She had taken a seat on the bench in the hallway and sat there with her left leg crossed over the right. Jiyong looked away from her, took a deep breathe and then went on his knees to properly greet her in the traditional Korean way. Avoiding her scrutinizing eyes, he was left to sit in an uncomfortable position on his knees and by passing people were giving them strange looks, receiving only ignorance in response. Both, Jiyong and Dara's, mother were engulfed into their own world.

It didn't look like that from the side but the atmosphere was intense as they fought each other mentally, without a single word being spoken. She felt him pressing on and he felt her rage engulfing him in flames. Slowly Jiyong looked up, his gaze settling on her face with those familiar traits. By now, he had spent so many nights just staring at Dara's sleeping face he could see the similarities. And now he looked at her mother's face, trying to memorizing every single detail. They looked alike but then again not. They were one but two different people. Her eyes, just like Dara's, glared at him, blaming. The look he had always dreaded to receive from Dara, he was now getting it from her mother. Those same pretty eyes, hating him forever.  

Simply, elegantly, beautifully...suicidally, blissfully, cruelly shattering him.

That look of utter detest smashing him into empirically paranormal death.

He was looking the mirror once again.

Jiyong could feel an avalanche break out inside of himself. It's amazing how he could keep all that trembling in control, only his fingertips slightly jerked once in a while. Would he ever really be able to face himself? Will the despair ever fade away? Dara forgave him, his father came to find him, his hyung would never abandon him but... why? Why wasn't love enough to cure him? Why would there be a situation when he should tell Dara “It's over.” Why did he even mention such a thing? Was he really planning to betray her again? He didn't want anything like that to happen, ever. But he was too weak to fight against the murderous pressure of something dark within him. What was it? A ghost of his stepfather holding him down or maybe he, himself, still unable to take the first step forward, to forgive? There were times when the light turned off and he wasn't sue at all if the switch existed anymore. He wasn't sure, at all, if there was any light left for the sinful him.

“I will never approve of you dating my daughter so you better disappear.”

Jiyong looked up, pleading her in silence with only his eyes gleaming helplessly, otherwise his face was blank, clean from any emotion.

“I know” she shifted in her seat her eyes never leaving him. “That I am sick. There are times I wake up not knowing what happened a day before, not because I can't but because I am too tired of pretending, of forcing myself to believe into impossible.” She paused for a moment. “Simply, too many things happened in the past. At some point I was in a bad mess and I guess my brain choose to survive in it's own way. Luckily I have my own sane moments, especially when I see you, Kim Jiyong. Do you want to know why?” 

He was breaking into cold sweat, unable to utter a word. He was afraid to part his lips and let her notice his teeth were almost clattering as panic smoothly spread within his blood. Just everywhere.

“I saw you a few times when you were still a little boy but you have changed a lot, your face is not same anymore. I don't know what happened neither do I care. All I want is for you to leave my Dara alone.”

“But why?” Jiyong asked in agony, after a long silence. “Why?”

“That look in your eyes, it crawled straight into my soul and pulled my sanity out from it's sanctuary. You make me sane because you remind me of the very cause why I lost my mind.”

He looked up and met her cold eyes again.

“He used to look at me like that, he looked at everyone like that. Even if your eyes are not similar, even if your eyebrows are different, it doesn't matter. The shape of the face doesn't matter either. All what it takes is for you to have that dull look. Because your facial muscles will shape it, underneath your skin, the blood, it's the same. So you can't hide even inside of yourself because that's what gives you out. Your inner self, that pathetic, spineless, despicable, haughty, scheming and unpredictable misery. When I saw you some weeks ago, only one look and I could tell who you were, Dara also mentioned you are her brother and it was a good enough hint. His son has no right to ruin my daughter's life.”

“But... I love her” Jiyong's voice broke and his eyes veiled in mist.

“Love?” She scoffed and she looked like a Goddess, all mighty and invincible. Jiyong couldn't find any strength in himself to fight her. He had lost even before trying. Why? Because just like she had mentioned, he was an useless nothing, a piece of trash ruing the view.

“All lies. Love? Don't make me laugh. When has love ever been enough? I married a man I loved and soon I was so unhappy I barely could get up in the morning. So unhappy I didn't hesitate to leave that life behind when offered a chance. And do you know why?”

Jiyong bit his lower lip, his gaze firmly lowered.

“Because he was too good for me.”

That's when Jiyong's gaze darted up but the expression on her face hadn't softened even upon remembering something tender like an englessly loving heart, her first love.

“He couldn't understand me because he was too different. He was too happy and simple while I was deep and chaotic. Whirlwind of emotions would swirl over me time over time but he could never understand anything I felt even when I put it in words. He never understood me like I wanted him to. He didn't think much about love, for him it was just a feeling when for me it was my whole life. And you two, I can see the difference because I see that man in you. Truthfully speaking I would be happier to see my clueless ex-husband but no matter how I look I can't find a trace of him. You don't understand her, you never will. And you will never let her understand yourself, because you, at some point you stopped talking and even since... you never spoke a word.

How can I tell? He stopped talking too and went into himself, if he ever wanted to say something he'd just write it on a piece of paper in a small scribble, as small as he felt himself be. Actually, the closer the end was the more he wrote. Perhaps he wanted to let himself free from the cage he had built around his throbbing heart but the bars were too strong and he died struggling. Probably, he never felt solace before he... Do you know how your supposed father died? I think you deserve to find out, he killed himself. Yes, and it was not because he felt guilty, it's because he was desperate. Desperate to get out of the prison he had build around himself, four tall brick walls he could never break. Even if you don't know it yet, just like him you are building those walls. I don't know what you have told Dara, how much could you open up about whatever is bothering you but... Don't look at me like that, I have met enough insane people during my life, I can recognize one. After all, I am insane too, we all are. No matter how you mask it all in pretty words, your true pain will always remain withing yourself. Until you forgive yourself you will never be free. Of course, every single person in this world has a monster on their own but some people can control them some can't. Dara... don't ruin her. I know maybe now everything is going smoothly between you two and you feel happy but... what about latter? What when true happiness turns into a lie? What when your mood changes for worse? Depression is not a joke and I can tell with only one look, you are too deep into that dark bottomless pit. Once you fall you will fall only deeper, the laws of gravity will forbid you from climbing up.

The Mad Hatter: There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter.

- Alice in Wonderland

Have you told her how you really feel? How frightening it could be? Have you told her that no matter how you try you can't seem to get a grip of yourself, that there is this strange bothering feeling. Always there, always with you, always biting into your heart painfully. How during lonely hours, when you can't fall asleep, you realize you are scared and even her presence can't help to calm you down. Will she ever know your true colors, Jiyong? Or will you leave her hanging when pressure becomes unbearable? Sure, you might have taken a step forward and opened up but were you ever planning to open up more? Because, no matter how you wish another person can't understand you completely unless you tell them.

Aren't you tired of nightmares?

How about now? Why are you so quiet? What are you thinking? Did a thought about giving up and running away cross your mind again? Maybe you wonder what the hell am I saying, why do I assume that I understand you? Well, I read everything he wrote and I know... because that dull and lifeless look in your eyes is exactly the same, because your manner to tighten your jaw is the same, because your fingers roll up in such a tight fist your knuckles turn white, because you are now trembling, because you can't utter a word. I know your teeth are clattering even if there is no sound. Why can't you say anything for your own defense? Do you feel helpless, abused, guilty? Have you ever asked yourself, Jiyong, when was the last time you spoke? Really, actually spoke, as yourself, the truth. You are still silent, I see. Then let me tell you what happened, since you are in the mood to listen. 

Let me tell you a story.

Can you handle this?

I'm not sure either.

Will it break you or offer solace?

Those days I didn't have a proper job, my husband told me he would work for two. He said I was his queen and our daughter was his princess. Also, he wished I'd stay home until Dara grows up. Even when I tried to get a job he wouldn't allow me and we sometimes fought but we made sure Dara wouldn't hear. Those arguments were anything but pretty. He accused me of not respecting him, he asked was it not enough what we had? He made me feel like I was the stupid one. About such a ridiculous issue... I can't believe we both shattered into pieces just because his mother had way too strong control of him. Woman's place is at home, that's what they told me. Ridiculous, their family was middle class but very traditional. His mother was so vicious, lying and pretending all the time and he'd always side with her. There were periods I sent Dara to Am Saeng orphanage to her grandmother because I was having a hard time at home with the man I loved but who couldn't understand my heart's desires. He was stubborn like a mule, a no was a no. This is how I became depressed.

Sometimes I worked part time secretly from him and on such a day I met your stepfather, at the amusement park. I had to backspace my van but there were too many people around and I needed someone to stand there, give me hand marks and ask people, especially children, to stay out of the away. Your stepfather, I kind of bumped into him and asked for his help. He was staring somewhere in the crowd as if hesitating and then he asked me. “It won't take long, right?” To what I answered “Just a few minutes.” How was I to know his son would be waiting for him? There was no way.

Sometimes life consists of unfortunate events one after another and later I found out that your father's life was one unfortunate journey. While he was standing there and concentrating on helping me he got accidentally hit by a carelessly driven scooter which sent him flying forward, right under my van. Just then I wasn't looking and only when I felt a bump I knew something was wrong. I was on my way to the blissful insanity and he was the one who gave me the ticket.

He didn't die but he was in coma for six months. They said I was at fault too, that I had to be punished and so three of those months I spent in the jail, too ashamed of myself to contact my family. If my ex-husband's mother ever found out she'd have killed me and herself. But funny, I keep mentioning ex-husband even though we never got divorced. That's why your mother and him never got officially married, they couldn't. But that is irrelevant now.

After I got discharged I couldn't just go back, I don't know why. It was obvious my husband would just be relieved and Dara happy, but something kept me from going there. Instead I found out in which hospital he was taken to. There is no explanation on why did I go there and took care of him like I knew him. Maybe because of the feeling of guilty and pity, no one ever visited him. The doctors said even though they had let the police know about his whereabouts no one came asking. Once a relative came buy, filled all the forms and kept paying the bills. It was obvious he was from a rich family because he had a private room.

But what is money when your life is empty?

Working part time and spending my days carelessly, I lived like that for three months. There was a sofa in his hospital room and I made myself comfortable, no one asked a single question. I'd sit by his bed and stare at his face, studying it ever so carefully. Every single jerk of his eyelid or his finger, movements of his lips, the way his hair fell on his forehead. I memorized it all. The size of his hand, the shape of his ears, the length of his eyelashes and the deepness of his every breathe. You might assume I fell in love with him, but I didn't. During that time I had nothing and he was the only one who linked me back to my old life. For some reason, sitting there and gazing at him gave me certain strength. And he'd never blame me, just lie motionlessly in silence and sigh once in a while. I found my solace in him, I found a pillar. I told him about all my troubles and he listened even though he heard nothing. It still made me feel at ease. At some point I realized I was wishing he'd never wake up, getting this feeling if he did I'd go insane. 

Then one day he woke up. He couldn't say a word or move an inch because he had slept for so long. After a week or so he finally opened his mouth and I heard him whisper weakly. “I need to go, my son is waiting. He is waiting.” I just smiled, gripped on his hand and told him that it was too late now, it's been six moths and no one would ever be waiting for him anymore. I am sure at first he didn't believe me but slowly the reality sunk into him. He stopped talking all together, not that he ever said anything much but... the look in his eyes changed. His soul was screaming for help, trapped behind his glassy eyes. There was no escape anymore because his voice had died and no one would ever hear him screaming. I saw how much he suffered but didn't want to help him because I despised him for making me go insane.

I once met your mother, she came to visit him after he had woken up. For once he was relieved and a sign of a smile appeared on his lips. But she only came to tell him it was all over between them and left, taking that evanescent smile with her. I could feel his pain because I saw it all, his wife never truly understood him and never tried, not even now when he needed her the most. Cruelty of life is infinite.

Maybe it's not my place to tell you this but I will anyway, because you should know. But I think... I assume, I believe... he broke when his older brother's woman became his wife. Probably there was no way they could affect the decision, I don't know what happened there. But after reading his notes I found out he could never overcome some of his feelings. He wrote many pages about how he hated his brother, how he detested him so much for leaving. I don't know what that means. And he also wrote many pages about her, the woman he loved with such obsession it was driving him crazy. A woman who would only love his elder brother, forever and ever. Even though he was the one who left without a word.

But at the same time he felt guilty for stealing her away and forcing her to go trough such suffering. He also wrote many pages about you, his precious son even though... he once mentioned you weren't his son, that he knew the truth all along but never bothered to speak about it. He was happy enough to just have you think he was your real father. And he cherished you so much, he truly loved you, he adored you to the point he couldn't let go of you. And that probably was his bitter revenge to have you love himself more than your mother who also loved you dearly. But he lost you. His last heart string snapped. He gave up on living. And then, he died. You were his happiness, inspiration, that hope for a better tomorrow, you made him want to live, you were his life. And now, you are him.

After the accident he couldn't walk for a long time, they scheduled therapy for him but he didn't care about it, preferring to to just go around in a wheelchair. And on that wheelchair, he died. I saw it all and that's when my memory starts cracking, there would be long periods veiled in questionable darkness. I don't know what happened to me but the sight of him lying there at the bottom of the stairs, drenched in blood and his eyes wide open, it made me lose my mind. The look in his eyes, sad, disappointed and regretful, still, frozen. It became timeless. And just before he became like that he had looked at me over his shoulder, smiled and whispered a soft thank you. It was the only time I had seen him smiling so sweetly and it was such a beautiful smile even though sad. He was finally free from infinite torment his life had been. Smile of a man who couldn't win the monster withing himself. Whenever I think about him I am reminded that we all... are mad after all.

I saw him flying without wings.

But where?

My life became a mess, it's hard to tell what really happened as I drifted between sanity and something incredibly crazy. Don't ask me about those times, I don't like to remember about that. They were just one never ending illusion. And sadly enough, that illusion still continues even though the suffocating pain has eased. I am also afraid of coming clean. In front of my daughter, I have to admit, I sometimes pretend to be clueless. But slowly, I am collecting strength to come out and be her mother again, I'm fighting back. This will be my first step, to get rid of you. Hallucinations are getting less and less frequent and I hope that one day, it won't be soon, I can face this word like I used to. Bravely and confidently. Like you will never be able to do.

Because you, Jiyong.

Are helplessly lost and there is no hope left.

You are like Alice in the Wonderland

who never woke up.

The never spoken words will become your doom.

“Nothing but a pack of cards.”

So you better find the damn map and get out of that hell you trapped yourself into.

I know I have been an awful mother. There were times I was depressed and times I felt lazy every day. Maybe my Dara never received enough love from me because I am so bad at expressing my feelings. I get embarrassed easily and that irritates me, then I find myself getting angry. For me it's a bit awkward to be loving and sweet but I will try harder. I will get better, I will fight, I will. And if I want to, anything is possible. Because I love my daughter. When I saw her again I realized how much I actually missed her during those unfortunate times. It amazes me how she could forgive me and I will make sure to pay back for her kindness, I'll give her hundred times more than she gave me. But she is yet to face my