Timon: And if he falls / In love tonight / It can be assumed...
Pumbaa: His carefree days / With us are history.
Timon, Pumbaa: In short, our pal / Is doomed!
Disney: Lion King
 

And that's how it all started.

The window had been left open and I actually woke up to hear birds chirp outside. Immediately I felt something press against my back and looked over my shoulder, Seung Hyun was sleeping next to me, his back pressing against mine. He must have fallen asleep while taking care of me during the night. His blazer and tie were hanging from the chair and he was hugging himself in his sleep.

While I was under the warm covers he had fallen asleep on them. I inched away and threw the blanket over him. The slightly wet towel was lying on the pillow, it must have slid off my forehead at some point. Seung Hyun relaxed a bit and moved to a more comfortable position. I smiled, ruffled his hair and silently thanked him for being such a caring oppa. Stretching my body I got up from the bed and wandered into the living room. Then I froze because I saw plates and bowls sitting on the kitchen table, breakfast. I looked around and perked up my ears but didn't hear a sound.

 Jiyong must have been here but it was obvious he wasn't anymore.
 

I saw the toothbrush I had used earlier stand in a cup next to Jiyong's and the sight warmed up my heart. He could have thrown it away or put it in the cupboard but instead he choose to leave it next to his toothbrush. Like he was expecting me to come over again, and again, and many times. After finishing my morning routine I saw Seung Hyun standing in front of the TV and stretching, he had turned it on and was listening to the news. Sleepy, his hair all over the place and his clothes wrinkled, he didn't look so cool and desirable anymore but nevertheless cute.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked when he noticed me.
“Uh huh” I nodded. A barely noticeable smile appeared on his lips and he walked up to me with long strides stopping two steps away. I looked at him with raised eyebrows when he spread his arms in the air. What was he up to now?
“Come on, before I change my mind” he laughed. “You look like you need a hug.”
“Oppa” My eyes watered and I rand to hug him. “I'm so scared.”
“Don't be, such a baby.”
“But when Jiyong comes back how can I face him? What will I say? I am going to be so nervous.”
“Why are you acting shy all of a sudden” Seung Hyun pat my back. “I am sure he will do all the ice breaking himself.”
“What if he will act shy too and there will be some awkward uncomfortable silence?” I whined. “I will die from nervousness and embarrassment.”
“It will be just fine” He placed his hands on my shoulders and pulled me away from himself. “It's not like you to be scared.”
I made a grimace.
“You should talk and make up. I am sure everything will be just fine, it will go smoothly. Trust me.” he said sweetly. “Everything will be fine.”
“But what happened?” I smirked. “Did you go crazy?”
“If you don't like me being nice to you then...” Seung Hyun looked at me dully. “Should I recommend you some good plastic surgeon so you can fix up your problem?”
“Yah” I uttered a laughter. “You little” and slapped his chest. “Rude jerk!”
Seung Hyun gave me a thumbs up. “Good, the obnoxious, loud and arrogant Dara is coming back. Me like.”
“I'm not that bad.”
“No you are worse.”
“I think you are losing your touch, you used to be funnier.”
Seung Hyun suddenly grabbed my head. “I've always wanted to do this” and planted a wet kiss on my forehead. My eyes widened in shock. “YUCK!” I made a grimace at him. “Control your saliva, man.”
He laughed. “Your face just now” he said trough the laughter. “You really looked like a frog.”
“Aish, forg-”

As I was turning around a sudden shock made me jump backwards when I saw Jiyong standing a few meters away from us. His hand gripping on a plastic bag he stood there his eyes empty and dull. Seung Hyun stopped laughing and flashed a mischievous smile at him.
“Don't misunderstand there is no reason.” he said sounding a little naughty. I glanced at him with a look that told him to stop joking. “You never did before either. We just spent the night together, that's all.”
“Ya-yah” I muttered, my heart skipping a beat. What was he up to now?
“It's true, isn't it?” Seung Hyun raised a brow.

Suddenly a feeling of guilt engulfed me. I should have called Jiyong yesterday, I should have told Seung Hyun to leave. What if Jiyong saw us sleeping on his bed together earlier? What did he think? He must have really misunderstood.

“Don't worry, why would I misunderstand” Jiyong smiled freely, there was no hint of it being forced on his face. “Did you have a good sleep?” he glanced at me. “Feeling better today?”
“Yes b-” I started to say but he cut me off.
“I made breakfast, let's eat” Jiyong walked past me and placed the bag he was holding on the counter. “I just stepped out to get some orange juice and bread'” he said cheerfully. Me and Seung Hyun didn't move an inch. “Come on guys” he waved his hand in the air, signaling for us to come. “The food is getting cold.”
I glanced at Seung Hyun who let out a heavy sight and rubbed his forehead, then he shot a look of disbelief Jiyong's way. Suddenly, as if a lamp lit on top of his head, he looked like he got an idea.
“I was getting hungry.” he smiled and I almost yelped when his hand landed on my lower back. “Let's go, baby” he said his voice tensing up a little.
“Ba- wha?” I stared at him wide eyed. “Wait th-” My gaze darted at Jiyong but he turned away and went to get a glassful of water. Meanwhile Seung Hyun pushed me to the table and literally forced me to sit down. I gave him a helpless look but he just glared at me giving me this feeling he'd kill me if I didn't play along. He leisurely went to scoop some rice from the rice cooker and placed it in front of me. “Last night was amazing” he said mostly by himself. “That bed is damn good, good springs.”

I gaped at Seung Hyun, wanting to ask him what was he doing but no voice came from my mouth, my throat felt strangely dry. Seung Hyun poured me a glassful of water and started scooping food on top of my rice. He smiled at me sweetly and brushed my bangs to the side with his warm fingers. “What?” he asked with the gentles tone of voice. “Eat.”

A sudden sound of something smashing against the wall made me yelp, I and Seung Hyun both looked at Jiyong who had thrown his glass into the wall, it shattered into nothing. He took a deep breathe and smiled again as if nothing was wrong. The atmosphere grew tense, I could feel little crackles of electricity all around.
“Sorry, it fell from my hand.”
“Sure” Seung Hyun uttered an amused laughter but it sounded so forced. “It just fell against that wall with an enormous amount of speed” his smile stiffened a bit. “By the way there is a scratch on your cheek.”
“Oh” Jiyong chuckled. “Really?” he wiped a few drops of blood away. “No problem.” He was starting to act too psychotic. If his face was tense I would have understood but he seemed so relaxed, like he really had no problem with anything. Like he was genuinely happy, like all his smiles were real.
“Let me see” Seung Hyun walked around the table but when he was just a one step away from Jiyong the latter suddenly pushed a stack of bowls from the counter on the floor and they smashed into a dangerous mess at his feet. I covered my lips with my palm in shock but Seung Hyun didn't look surprised at all.
“Sorry, I am being very clumsy this morning” Jiyong chuckled. “Let me clean this mess” He went down on one knee and grabbed a fistful of the sharp shards, he squeezed so hard his knuckles turned white and blood started dripping on the floor.
“Stop it!” I yelled.
“What's wrong brother?” Seung Hyun asked mockingly. “You seem to be awfully out of it today.”
“I am just tired that's all.” Jiyong spat the words from his mouth, he threw the shards into the trash bin and grabbed another fistful. “I am feeling really really tired” he hissed.
“Drop the act.”
A sweet charming smile appeared on Jiyong's lips, he suddenly looked innocently clueless. “What act?” I know this must be some kind of brother thing but his hand was bleeding and I couldn't stay out of it anymore.
“S-stop this, open your fist” I rushed around the table but before I could reach Jiyong, Seung Hyun grabbed my hand, I turned to look at him and that's when he leaned in and kissed me. I pushed him away in shock.
“What ar-”
He grabbed my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine. “We have decided to go out” he announced.
“Wh-” His glare silenced me.
“Good for you” Jiyong whispered.
“Aren't you happy?” Seung Hyun raised a brow. “I thought you'd be really happy.”
“I am so happy I want to dance” Jiyong forced a smile on his lips. “I am so h-” his eyes briefly met with mine and he grew silent. Maybe it was the look I was giving him. So in the end, he wouldn't even fight? He'd just give up like that? I have to admit I felt a little disappointed, maybe even a lot. Actually, I didn't believe what I was hearing and seeing. I wanted to scoff, he what? He'd dance?! I don't know what stopped me from slapping him.
“Aish” Jiyong muttered, stood up and walked away. He quickly slipped his feet into his shoes and walked out, slamming the door shut as hard as he could.

Silence fell in the apartment and I wondered what the heck had just happened.

“I might have pushed a bit too far” Seung Hyun admitted, tugging onto his hair. “How stubborn can a person be...” he muttered under his breathe. “Aish, I am getting so tired of this tug war” he groaned leaning his palms on the counter and hanging his head low. “Bastar.d...”
“What? Just now...” I breathed out. But my brain seemed to be paralyzed, I couldn't form a single sentence. “Just now...” I massaged my forehead, looked at Seung Hyun then at the mess and then at the delicious foods on the table. “Just now.”

To surprise me even more the door suddenly opened and Jiyong stormed in, looking furious. Breathing heavily he stopped in front of me and Seung Hyun, his eyes darting between us. He was clearly angry but his face started to fall and suddenly he looked sad.
“I can't...” he whispered.
“You have to” Seung Hyun growled. “Do it now.”
“I said I can't” Jiyong yelled, covering his ears. “I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.”
Cursing under his breathe, Seung Hyun pushed me off of his way and punched Jiyong right in the face. I gasped my body freezing, my hands squeezed into thigh fists when I saw Seung Hyun's fist collide with Jiyong's cheek for the second time. “You useless piece of s.hit! Do it now!” Seung Hyun yelled with tears in his eyes. “I said do it!”
“I said I can't” Jiyong yelled, pushing Seung Hyun to the side, his gaze caught mine but didn't hold onto it long.
“Then go rot in hell. Useless coward. What can you do in your life? Pathetic.” Seung Hyun spat the words from his mouth. “Then what can you do?!” he hollered. I shuddered and stepped back, afraid of the outcome.

Jiyong's hands started to tremble, it spread to his whole body and it grew so strong I heard his teeth clatter. He was staring at Seung Hyun with this pleading look in his eyes, as if asking not to do this to him. His face turned pale and he swayed to the side but managed to keep his balance, suddenly his feet seemed to turn into jelly. He leaned his bleeding hand against the wall and covered his face with his other palm, then slowly I saw him slid on the floor, his blood leaving a long crimson stain on white wallpaper.

He looked like his soul had left his body as he sat there trembling wildly. He tried to say something but it made no sense all words blurred on his trembling lips. Tears fell from his eyes, he breathed heavily and his hand gripped onto the front of his shirt. Then he held in his breathe and it was as if he had stopped breathing all together. When I saw his lips turning blue I couldn't just stand there anymore and rushed to his side. But as soon as I had knelt next to him and touched him he pushed me away, taking in a sharp breathe. He looked at me with much disappointment and hate in his eyes and then slowly disbelief mixed into that unreadable expression. He looked at me like he loathed me, like he couldn't stand the sight of me.

“Hy-h-hyun w-w-w-woo” I stuttered in shock.
“How can we help you when we don't know what's wrong?” Seung Hyun asked, sounding helpless. “Get a grip”
I was roughly pushed aside when Jiyong stumbled on his feet. Clenching his jaw and biting his trembling lips together he glared at Seung Hyun like he wanted to kill him and then left without saying a word.

Minute after minute passed but me and Seung Hyun stayed still, unable to move or say anything. I finally looked at him.
“What's wrong?”
“You tell me, I have been trying to figure out for years.”
We spoke quietly, our breathes hitched and our voices tense. Also avoiding each other's eyes.
“Why is he being like that?”
“Obviously because he can't decide between me and you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean what I said, he can't betray me but he doesn't want to let you go either so he is stuck in an endless limbo of regret, self pity and agony.”
“Why does it have to be like that?” I brought my fist to my lips.
“I told him there was no problem, you two can be together all I care. It's not like I am unable to move on! What does he take me for?” Seung Hyun raised his voice, sounding desperate. “I told him million times it's okay, that I won't hate him but why isn't he listening?” he sniffled.
“What happened to him?”
“He won't tell.”
“Something must have happened.” I stared lifelessly in in front of myself. “Something he never got over.”
“No matter what he won't tell, he won't open up. He'd rather die.” Seung Hyun wiped a few tears from his eyes. “I also don't want to see him like that but... why is he suffering all by himself?”

I didn't know what to say or do I was utterly helpless. I just sat there staring in front of myself and tried to connect the dots. What is it, what was he so afraid of? What was holding him down? What could be so awful to haunt him like this? And outside, outside it was raining.

~*~

It was raining so hard the roads were flooding and In Pyo hugged himself, glancing at the sky. The air was getting way too chilly and he cursed himself for leaving his blazer in the car. He was lucky enough to find a shelter under a small canopy of a food stall and there, he was stuck for good. From the corners of his eyes he glanced over his shoulder, groaning under his breathe and biting his lips together. Temptingly warm steam raised from the odeng broth and the old woman kept mixing the ttokbokki teasingly, as if urging him to buy some. But he couldn't stand street food, finding it somehow dirty. Also he couldn't stand the taste of odeng or feel of that soft texture in his mouth.

He turned his back at the old woman who made a face at him, for not buying anything but using her stall as a shelter. But the man was also very charming so she couldn't just drive him away, the power of good looks...
“Just my luck” In Pyo muttered, glaring at the dark clouds. Just a while ago the sun was shining and it was the prettiest day ever but then all of a sudden the sky had clouded and the thunder growled loudly. He shouldn't have gone to eat lunch at this time and so far away from his house too. It's just that there was this really pretty lady he had taken interest in. She would sit in the coffee shop across the street and he was spying on her while trying to figure out the best way to approach her. Today she hadn't appeared though, what a crappy day. “Oh!” In Pyo gasped when he saw familiar figure walk past him. “Ya, Eun Seung Hyun have you gone crazy?”
Jiyong stopped in his tracks and turned to glare at In Pyo “My name is Kim Jiyong!” he yelled.
“You must have gone crazy, michinnom [crazy guy]” Curiously In Pyo followed Jiyong with his eyes. The guy walked blindly almost bumping into the trashcans and whatever happened to be in his way. He looked like he was totally out of it. Before he could disappear In Pyo looked at the sky once more, then at Jiyong's back, then at the sky again, then at the old woman.
“Forget about it, I am not going to give you my umbrella” the old woman said sternly.
“Come on, just lend it me this once” In Pyo batted his eyelashes.
“You didn't buy anything.”
“Old witch...” His eyes caught a glimpse of a yellow umbrella that was carelessly tucked away.
“What did you say?!”
“I promise to bring it back” In Pyo grabbed the umbrella before running off while opening it.
“You-” But she grew quiet when she saw the man look over his shoulder with a bright smile on his face and wink at her. “How can a man be so pretty?” she asked herself. “He must get whatever he wants from his life. Lucky him.” Her gaze shifted at the small TV and soon she was totally engulfed into the currently airing program.

In Pyo stopped and made a grimace when he saw Jiyong's upper body sprawled over the plastic table. He was sitting in front of a seven eleven in this hard rain, without and umbrella or anything, his clothes wet, his face buried in his arms and his body trembling. He sobbed once, then twice and then he was crying uncontrollably. In Pyo's facial features softened and his heart grew worried. He watched water gather on the green surface of the table, fall from his hair, roll down his cheeks, mixing with hot tears. His hand was slightly bleeding, leaving a stain on the sleeve of his hoodie.

“What's wrong, son?”

Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then oh why can't I?"
- Wizard of Oz

Once upon a time there was an amusement park. On a crowded Saturday afternoon, many summers ago, a little boy, around of age 4 or 5 was sitting at a table outside a kiosk. It was a hot day but a huge red and white striped umbrella shielded him from the strong sun rays. In front of him stood a cup of coke but ignoring it he grabbed another french fry, dipped it into ketchup and took a bite. While munching he looked around at all the by passing people, happy couples and laughing children. He smiled by himself as he turned to look at a huge teddy bear which was sitting beside him. Alone, he sat there eating very slowly as if he had the whole time in the world.

And his smile was very beautiful, it was bright and innocent. It was a smile you wouldn't want to break, a smile worth protecting, a smile which could heal any wound, a smile full of love and hope. It was such a smile people would stop and marvel over his gleaming face their hands itching to snap a photo.

And never again he would smile like that again.


The boy suddenly stiffened and then made a move to jump off the bench but something made him stop. He saw a glimpse of his father in the crowd and his father saw him too. They smiled at each other but then the boy noticed a woman, he didn't know, bow to his father slightly. A disappointed sigh left his lips and he took a comfortable position again, knowing it was not the time to go yet. The woman poked his father's arm but the man didn't budge, his eyes resting on the little boy. He hesitated but the internal fight didn't last long and he soon turned to smile at the woman.

“It won't take long, right?”
“Just a few minutes.”


Jiyong looked up and saw In Pyo in front of himself. Now that he took a better look at his team leader's face he noticed there certain similarities with his father's. The shape of the face, the thickness of the hair, same jaw line, as straight nose, identical lips and the long eyelashes. Even their voices seemed to match all of a sudden, even the look in In Pyo's eyes suddenly became misty and deep, mysterious. Like that, all of a sudden Jiyong saw his father stand in front of himself. With a bright yellow umbrella laughing upon his head.

“Why did you leave me?” Jiyong whispered, feeling how his throat was drying. “Don't abandon me.” In Pyo didn't answer his lips parted but he didn't know what to say. “Why did you abandon me like that?” A sob left Jiyong's lips. “Why? Don't go, don't leave, don't abandon me” he pleaded. “Please, don't abandon me. I was bad, I was in the wrong, I'm sorry” He buried his face into his arms again. “I am sorry so please, don't abandon me.” Jiyong gasped for air, his hands starting to tremble again. “Dad.”
“How did you find out?” In Pyo breathed out, totally misunderstanding. “How long have you known?”

Of course, Jiyong didn't know anything, he was just lost into a memory, which had a grip way too strong for him to fight out of it. Giving up on the pain would be the same as if ripping his heart out from his chest. Without an explanation he would never be able to forgive and until he forgives he will never forget. Was he cursed to remember forever? Such a feeling, of being utterly alone, of being abandoned. A feeling of the wide world around you suddenly shrinking and smashing onto you. When you look around, your eyes searching for that one face in the crowd, waiting for a person who will never come back. Insecurity, doubt and fear growing inside your chest into an enormous ball then exploding all over. You don't know what to do, what to say, who to look at. It's like dying for a few seconds and coming back to life wishing you didn't. It kills you inside out, every day all over again, that unanswered question: “Why?”

“Why? Why did you do it?” Jiyong whispered. “Give me even one reason.”
“But, I didn't know” In Pyo broke into a smile which he didn't know was happy or sad. “I never left you, I just didn't know. I...”
“Why?” Jiyong slowly looked up, his face dull and emotionless. “Just tell me why?”
In Pyo shifted his gaze away for a while and taking a sharp breathe he looked back, finally having the courage to answer that question. “What does it matter why? I don't know either! The most important thing is that I am back, I came to get you. Why aren't you even one bit happy? How disappointing.” In Pyo rubbed his forehead. “Aish, what am I going to do with you?” he looked up helplessly. “Do you hate me that much?”
Jiyong's eyes cleared from the clouds.“You came to get me?” he gasped. “You did?”
“Ya imma, then why would I be here in the rain freezing my a.ss off? Do you see anyone else here?” In Pyo snapped, squinting his eyes like Seung Hyun always did, suddenly looking a lot like Seung Hyun. “Stop moping around and...” In Pyo grew quiet when he saw a sparkle appear in Jiyong's eyes, he looked a little dubious and hesitant but at least he had stopped crying. What parent would like to see their children look so incredibly sad? In Pyo sighed.
“Just come here” he spread his arms. “Come here.”
Jiyong didn't budge.
“I said, come here now!” In Pyo's brows knit together. “Or I'll leave.” The minute he finished his sentence Jiyong sprang up, the chair falling over. In Pyo gasped when Jiyong's body collided with his, almost throwing him over. He quickly hugged his son so he wouldn't fall backwards. “My umbrella” he whined. “And eish, you are all wet like a dog.” Jiyong hugged him tightly, his body still trembling. In Pyo wondered what was wrong as he slowly pat Jiyong's wet back. “There there, don't cry, my overgrown crybaby.”
“I'm sorry I was bad” Jiyong mumbled into In Pyo's shoulder. “Please forgive me I was too bad.”
“I don't know about that” In Pyo said with a smile on his lips. “But I forgive you. You can be as bad as you want, I will always forgive you.”
“And never leave me?”
“Yes, never leave you.”
“Never ever?”
“Never.”
“Really? Never?”
“Yes, never”
“Never ever ever never ever.”
“Yes...”
“Ever ever ever ever ever ever ever.”
“Shut up! I said I won't.”

It became easier to breathe, the blinding bright light got softer and the heavy feeling in Jiyong's chest finally eased. He calmed down, his breathing slowing down and his eyes cleared from the mist. Suddenly the rain wasn't cold anymore, actually it wasn't raining at all. The sparkling droplets simply turned into fairy dust flying all over and warming Jiyong's heart up, healing his deep wounds. That beautiful smile spread on his lips on it's own and his eyes sparkled like on that day many summers ago. The smile he thought would never appear on his lips... was there.

“Love is you.”


Slowly Jiyong leaned away from the hug but when he saw In Pyo's annoyed face he suddenly bolted back bumping into the plastic table and almost throwing it over. He quickly supported himself against the table, his eyes wide open. He was utterly confused.

“T-team l-l-leader!” he gasped. “What, how?”
“So now I am team leader again?” In Pyo raised a brow.
“I must have gone crazy for a moment” Jiyong blinked. “I swear I...” He stared at In Pyo but his father didn't come back. It was just a temporary illusion but why did he feel so at ease all of a sudden? Like... like he was free?
“Even after getting wet like this...” In Pyo took a look over his clothes and wiped his face. “Boy, you are drenched you should go home and change.” He swept his wet bangs from his face. “Damn it.”
“I'm sorry” Jiyong whispered.
“I said it was okay!” In Pyo snapped. “Aish, stop saying sorry! Also don't call me a team leader from now on, you should call me dad. Got it? D-a-d. And tell me how did you find out.”
“Please” An embarrassed smile tugged at Jiyong's lips. “Don't make fun of me about this.”
“What do you mean?” In Pyo raised a brow. “Is it that funny to you that I am your father? What's so funny about me? Are you holding grudges? Do you know how long it took me to find you, huh?”

"What?"


Jiyong stared at In Pyo like he had seen a ghost. “Eish” In Pyo suddenly hissed, making him shudder. “You won't forgive me, huh? But I really didn't know. She never told me, I knew there was one but two? And don't ask me, I don't know why she didn't tell me. She was a strange woman.”
“What are you talking about?”
“What kind of games are you playing with me? I told you I am your father, if you don't believe me then want to do the DNA test?” In Pyo started rambling. “Am I crazy to come after you and tell you I am your father? Huh? You think I made it up because I am lonely or something? Phabo, how did you grow up to be so stupid? And what's this crying about? Don't tell me it's about some girl, how pathetic. Are you even a man? How can cry over such a matter? Why do you have to inherit all of my worst qualities? What?!”

Jiyong stared at In Pyo somewhat amused, the way he squinted his eyes, the way he suddenly snapped, the way he rambled.... that all was awfully familiar. He didn't think there was a need for a DNA test. He just wondered how come he never noticed himself? When In Pyo smiled it was like looking in the mirror. Didn't his mother once say it? That his smile was his father's and his lips too, even identical.

“Father?” Jiyong asked a little hesitantly. “Jeongmal?”
“How many times do I have to repeat myself? And I prefer dad.”
“Really really?”
“Really.”
“Really really really?”
“Don't start this again!”
Jiyong grabbed In Pyo's shoulders and shook him, shook him, and shook him even harder.
“Yah, what are you doing?” In Pyo pushed him away. “Trying to shake my brains out of me or something...”
“No matter how bad I am you will always forgive me, right?” In Pyo just looked at him dully, not believing his ears. “And you will never leave me? And you will love me right, always and forever, right?”
“Isn't that what father's are supposed to do?” In Pyo said dryly. “Of course I will always forgive you, scold you when you are bad but never leave you and I'll love you.”
“Always and forever?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you” Jiyong breathed out.
“I think we need to talk” In Pyo cleared his throat. “Hey” He poked Jiyong who just stood there like a statue with his head lowered. Suddenly the latter looked up, a charming boyish smile lighting his face.
“I am not sure what's going on but” he chuckled. “I need to do something first, we can talk later.”
In Pyo grabbed his hand. “Where do you think you are going? How can you leave at a moment like this?”
“I'm sorry but really, there are more important matters right now.”
“You are being pretty bad right now.”
“Doesn't matter right, later just scold me.”
“Yah you... imma.... How dare you...?” Confused In Pyo was left standing alone in the rain. He wiped his face again and then uttered a laughter. "Yup, he is my son."

“No wonder” the old woman said indifferently when In Pyo came back with her umbrella. “So you were that kind of man...” she watched him take a seat. “But you boyfriend seemed quite young.”
“Shikkeureowo [so noisy]”
“It's a pity I didn't hear what you were saying.”
“Just give me some food and stop asking.”
“I want you to pay in advance, who knows...”
“Fine” In Pyo slammed a few bills on the table. “But if I get food poisoning I will sue you.”

...


Ticking of the clock filled the rooms with the drumming of the rain on the background. Seung Hyun was walking back and forth in front of the window and I sat in the corner of the sofa crying. Once in a while he'd glance at me but soon look away. I hugged my legs closer to my chest and buried my face into my knees. A sigh escaped my lips, another and many more. We didn't know where to look for him, all we could do was to just wait.

I listened to his steps and the shuffling of his wrinkled clothes. Seung Hyun looked like he was going crazy with worry, when tugging on his hair, when rubbing his lips. He would stop, look out from the window and just be greeted by gloomy grayness. In the distance some of the shops had already started to turn on colorful neo signs. The sun was setting.

Where are you Jiyong? Are you hurting by yourself again? Can't you just come back and tell me what's wrong? Is it really impossible? Don't you trust me? Did you really believe Seung Hyun's harsh words? Don't you know me? Can't it be me? Why do you keep choosing other people? Why do you keep abandoning me? Why? Am I not good enough or something?

“Finally, do you know how worried we were, imma?!” I heard Seung Hyun cry out and looked up. He rushed past the sofa and my eyes followed his lead. Drenched Jiyong stood at the door and something about him was awfully different. Maybe it was that determined look in his eyes. “Of course, nothing I said was true.”

But Seung Hyun was ignored and pushed to the side. Jiyong made his way straight to me. I sat straight when he stopped in front of me. Our eyes met, I was insecure he was serious. Was he mad, would he yell at me, would he tell me he doesn't want me anymore? The silence was killing me, he didn't say anything and just kept staring at me sternly. My lips parted but before I could speak he suddenly moved forward. I held my breathe when he climbed on my lap, straddling my thighs. In shock I could only stare at him wide eyed. He tilted his head to the side his face suddenly softening but he wasn't smiling, he looked aloof. His hands gripped on the backrest of the sofa trapping me totally and he leaned forward.

“Will you love me?” A whisper escaped his lips. “Will you?”
I wanted to say something but my throat was suddenly too dry. I couldn't utter a sound.
“Will you love me?” he asked again, his lips inching closer to mine. “Answer me.” I felt his breathe on my face but he stopped moving, he was waiting.


"Just admit it you love me" Seung Hyun whispered, his hot breathe hitting my ear. "Kiss me."
"Go to hell" I mumbled and pushed his head away. "I hate you and your stinky mouth."
He chuckled. "I love you."
"So much you go sleep with other women?"
"We didn't do anything" Is it just me or did he just sound a little tense, like he wanted me to believe him.
"But you kissed" I squinted my eyes at him. "So keep those diseased lips to yourself."
"Yah, how long are you going to be angry?"
"How long are you going to lie on top of me and have your fun?"
"I thought you didn't care."
"I thought you do care."
"What?" We both asked in one, identically surprised, voice.
"What?" Again, it came in one voice and Seung Hyun chuckled.
"Aish, whatever" I said, irony lacing my words. "Be gentle to me then and promise to take me more seriously than you took that other bit.ch."
"Silence" Seung Hyun leaned lower, bringing his lips dangerously close but never kissing me. I shut up and held my breathe, my eyes flicking at his lips and then his piercing eyes. He looked like a panther, ready to jump at it's prey and rip it apart.
"See?" He asked his eyes closing halfway and a silly smile appeared on his lips.
"See what?" My question came in a from of a silent whisper.
"What are you waiting for?" he dipped his head even lower, his lips almost brushing against mine, almost. I felt his hot breathe on my face but never the touch if his soft lips. "This is what I meant" Seung Hyun chuckled, pulled away and lied on the sand beside me.

"You didn't wrap your arms around my neck, you didn't tug me lower and you didn't kiss me. Heck, you didn't even close your eyes in anticipation. You don't do such things just for fun." He glanced at me from the corners of his eyes and when our eyes met I quickly shifted my gaze at the starry sky, my heart beating fast and blood rushing to my face.

"You are not like all the other women because you want to control yourself and that makes me want to control myself too. You make me feel, like you care about my feelings..." Seung Hyun sighed. "It's not right, I know it's not right to be like this with you" his hand fumbled for mine and squeezed gently. He smiled as his eyes kept searching for something from the sky, something special. "But at least I know you don't take me seriously either. So refreshing." He then closed his eyes. "Whatever happens between us means nothing so..." he suddenly his side his eyes glinting playfully. I gave him a questioning look.

No you are wrong. I always took you seriously because... whatever happens between us means everything to me. I guess I am not different from other women, I'm just the same. Getting drunk with your presence and wanting to have you all to myself. Will you give me that honor? Because my self control... it ends now.

I wrapped my arms around Jiyong's neck and leaned in to kiss him. My eyes were closed so I didn't see his reaction, probably his eyes were wide open, filled with surprise and confusion. I kissed his lips, the corner of his mouth and his cheek. “What do you mean will I love you?” I mumbled against the softness of his skin, my lips pressing against his cheek. “I already love you since long ago.”

Jiyong fell next to me and pulled me into an intense kiss (and his wet lap). I was getting breathless but he wouldn't pull away no matter what, I felt like being eaten alive. His tongue was all over my mouth, his hands were gripping inappropriate places forcing me to moan, he moaned himself while onto my lower lip. My clothes were getting wet from him, I felt him shiver from cold and he hugged me closer craving for my warmth. Suddenly I remembered Seung Hyun was still there and finally found some strength in myself to push Jiyong away. So embarrassing!! I jumped off from the sofa but unlike I had expected Seung Hyun wasn't there anymore.

“You think he'd stay to watch?” I heard Jiyong's playful voice and my gaze shifted at him, he was taking off his tie his eyes already undressing me.
“Don't look at me like that” I blushed. “G-g-go ta-ke a s-shower and change y-y-or c-lo-thes” I stuttered, backing.
“We are all alone now” a mischievous smile spread on his lips. “You know what that means, right?” I saw his other brow raise higher than the other.
“Don't be ridiculous, we need to talk first.”
“Baby, you never learn” He suddenly stood up, his blazer sliding off of his shoulders and I watched it fall on the sofa as he took a step closer to me. “Love doesn't need words, didn't I tell you?”
“You are making me feel uncomfortable” I complained when I saw him his shirt. He smiled but his smile was anything but innocent, it was a dirty smile of a man who wants to... well you get the idea. Damn y. With a small move of his head he threw his bangs to the side, giving me a longing look. I backed, he had already ed his shirt and threw it on the floor.
“Why are you undressing?”
“Don't you think I should change into dry clothes?” he asked playfully moving closer to me. We were like a beast and a pry.
“Jiyong...”
“Why? Are you feeling shy all of a sudden?” His sly gaze caught mine, god he looked handsome all of a sudden. I didn't know he was that handsome... I mean, where did all these hormones come from ? I couldn't look away, my cheeks grew warm and I knew he had caught me. Leisurely Jiyong took off his wife beater.

One more step and my back pressed against the cold window. He stopped in front of me, that crafty smirk growing even wider but overall he had this dreamy look on his face. Bang, his hands slapped against the window on my both sides and he leaned so close I felt his warmth. His lips brushed against my cheek as he whispered. “Unbuckle my belt.” I didn't budge, my heart was pumping so hard I thought it'd explode and I felt the ends of my fingers grow numb. “Unbuckle my belt” Jiyong whined cutely. I bit my lower lip, my eyes lowering. “Do it” he bit my ear. “Now.” I gulped, closing my eyes. “Rawr.” he growled.

There was no way I could resist him any further. My trembling fingers clumsily grabbed onto his belt and I fiddled with the complicated buckle longer than necessary. He chuckled, trailing kisses down my cheek and neck. The belt opened and I ped his pants, he shook his hips so they fell on the floor. I moaned, squirmed and leaned to kiss his collar bone my fingers feeling the rubber band of his boxers. But just when I got a good hold of it he suddenly pulled away, a lopsided smile tugging at his lips. “Thanks” he planted a kiss on my forehead and backed.
“Wait, what?” I breathed out leaning forward after the trail of his musky scent.
“Shower calling” Jiyong winked and sent me an air kiss. “We should take it slow, right? One step at a time” He laughed as he walked away.
“What?” I muttered when he disappeared in the bathroom.

When I realized he had just totally made me look like an idiot I scoffed in disbelief. Jerk, what a player! I hate him! How dare he joke in this kind of situation? He must be laughing in the shower right now. I'll show him. Argh! Why do I always fall into that trap? Am I some crazed bimbo?

I quickly went to get a glass of water but instead grabbed a beer, cursing under my breathe as I opened it. “Damn, why is it so hot here?” I stood there leaning on the counter until Jiyong walked out from his extra long shower all steamy and wet. My eyes almost bulged out from their sockets when I saw him with only a white towel around his hips, water droplets trailing his muscles. He is skinny but but... I guess it's not only bones and skin. He winked, that annoying smile lingering on his luscious lips and disappeared into the bedroom. Was he seriously going to get dressed and leave me hanging? I gulped down the rest of the beer and followed him.

“Yah, Kim Jiyong get your a.ss here!”
“Have I told you how much I love it how you pronounce my name” I heard his voice from somewhere and after looking around saw his wardrobe's door ajar.
“You! Now! Take me!” I yelled.
He laughed, already throwing a collar shirt on. He was still wearing only a towel which screamed to be ripped off of his y hips. I ran up to him and grabbed the towel. He spun around to help me to unwrap it from around himself and in disappointment I was left staring at his red boxers.
“You are not even aroused” I whined.
“Woman you are making me blush” Jiyong laughed and ruffled my hair. “Just wait.” He planted a kiss on my shoulder and went to decide about other clothes. The unbearable irritation itched inside of me when I saw him pull on college pants, jumping on one foot, his collar shirt was still ed showing his toned stomach. A small towel was hanging around his neck along with a dangling necklace.
“I don't want to wait!” I protested, literally jumping at him.
“Whoa!” he gasped and fell backwards, straight trough the hanging shirts, suits and blazers. He ended up lying on top of some plastic bags and I was right on top of him. We both groaned and he gently pushed me up. I looked at him with one eye open and he playfully rolled his eyes. Then he took the towel from around his neck and threw it over mine and while still holding onto the ends leaned closer. “Dry my hair” he whispered, his lips lightly brushing against mine as he spoke. “If I catch a cold it will be your fault.” I was about to kiss him but he slipped away, leaving behind only his bright laughter.
“Am I that funny to you?” I growled.
“You. Towel. My hair” he faked a stern face. “Now.” I let out a sigh of defeat and stumbled up, hitting the hanging clothes from my way. He walked out from the wardrobe and I followed him. Unsatisfied look spreading on my face I threw the towel over Jiyong's head after he sat on the edge of the bed. For a while he waited patiently as I was drying his hair but soon his arms wrapped around my waist and he pulled me closer.
“You said hair first” I said dully and gently removed his arms from around myself, they fell lifelessly on his lap and for a while he stayed still. But then he started fiddling with the laces of my sweats, I mean his sweats I was wearing since this morning. His fingers pinched my tee and pullet it up revealing a bit of skin, he leaned forward and kissed my stomach just when I was in the middle of saying: “Do you want to- ah~” I quickly covered my mouth with my palm, the towel fell from his head and he looked at me his eyes sparkling. “Does that turn you on?” he asked playfully and chuckled.

Scrunching my lips, I grabbed the towel and hit him with it. “Jerk, how long will you keep playing with me?!” Annoyed, I wanted to storm away but he caught me in his arms and pulled me on his lap, rewarding me with a gentle kiss. He breathed in my scent snuggling his face into the nape of my neck. “Hmmm” Jiyong's hands slipped under my shirt and slid over my skin. I gulped and my squirming lips. “Hmmmmm” he smiled when his fingertips felt the lock of my bra. But then he pulled his hands away and lied me on the bed hovering over me. We kissed, our short gentle pecks growing wilder and more urgent. But then Jiyong pulled away again and snuggled against me, finding a comfortable spot in my armpit. His hand rested on my stomach under my shirt, tickling me slightly.
“I have been so bad” he mumbled into my shirt. “Pepsi, my cat... will you forgive me?” My fingers sank into his hair and I bit my lower lip. “Let me think about it.” From the corners of my eyes I saw his pouty lips. “Of course, I will, my dear donkey...” I chuckled.
“How can you call me a donkey?” he protested gently. “That's not cute at all.”
“Yes it is, Snickers.”
“And you won't abandon me, right?”
“I won't, I promise.”
“Only if there is a really good reason.”
“No, I won't abandon you” I repeated.
“Who knows maybe, we won't work out” I heard him whisper.
“Ya, how dare you be so negative? Is this how much you trust me?” I started pulling away but he hugged me, burying his face into my chest. “Hold me baby, tell me you love me, tell me everything will be okay.”
“Phabo” I whispered wrapping my arms around him and sliding my foot over his waist. “You don't even know how much I love you.” I wrapped a strand of his hair around my finger.
“I know... I... I know it all” I barely heard his whisper. “Let me tell you something.”
“What?”
“If I cry don't laugh at me, okay?”
I hugged him tighter. “Tell me, tell me everything and I promise, I will always love you.”¨
“Forever.”
“Always”

Then...

Do you want to hear a story?
Can you handle this?
It's about a little boy.
It's about me.


When I think back and reminiscence about my childhood I don't see my mother that clearly. She was like an angel, sweet and caring, always there to comfort me if I was sad or take care of me if I was sick. I guess, she was a perfect mother, she loved me so much I could feel it in every word she spoke. Yet, I can only remember her faintly. She is always in the background, shining so weakly. Even her face sometimes becomes a blur to me. The one who shines the most is my stepfather, well... I always thought he was my real father so when I think about him I can't think otherwise, he will always be my father no matter what. No matter how bad he was.

We were close, as close as a father and a son could get. He often took me out, we went to eat, to see a movie, to play in the park, to the amusement park, to the gaming hall, even jimjilbang, we went to so many places as if he deliberately wanted to make all those memories, so I would have as many as possible. Sometimes my mother would join us, sometimes not, it doesn't matter because most of the times I didn't even notice her being there. You see, my father was a God in my eyes, he was all mighty. I worshiped him, I was proud of him and I wished I could grow up to be like him, sometimes I even wished I was him. He was my hero, my role model, my best friend, my dear father. A superhero who I thought would always protect me. Not break me.

It was always interesting to be around him, he talked a lot by himself, wondering about many things, he could answer any question I had and he told me about all sort of things between heaven and earth. He was a very curious person and paid a lot of attention to small details. He was smart, sharp and attentive. I streamed to be the same. Sometimes he was like... a child trapped in an adult's body. Sometimes he was nothing but a strong intense authority but he'd never yell at me. And if he got angry he'd always explain why instead of just blindly blaming me.

The thing is, he rarely treated me like a child. He talked to me like he'd talk to an adult and I think, sometimes he forgot that I was just a little child all together. Of course, half of the things he told me about I didn't understand. Now, I know that he was very lonely and there were many things he couldn't talk about with his friends so he'd rant about them to me, knowing it didn't matter, thinking I wouldn't understand. He was wrong, I understood more than necessary.

For the longest time I thought he didn't love my mother, that it was him always hurting her. When she wasn't around he brought unfamiliar women home and told me not to tell about it to her, it would be our little secret. I did everything he asked me to do. I kept quiet. But as I grew older I realized something. My father, he was not that kind of person, he was not the cold one in their relationship. She was, she never loved him. Once I found a picture of an unfamiliar man in one of her drawers and asked her who was it. “When you grow up, you will know” she told me then and I accepted her answer blindly. Now I know... it was my real father.

My mother was from a strict family, she had to be perfect. I found out she was pregnant with Seung Hyun way before her marriage with my stepfather so she must have secretly given birth to him while she was studying abroad and then given him away to be adopted. Probably she at least wanted him to live in Korea so she sent him here. I don't think she was heartless, she was scared, of everything in the world. Just like me. But the most she was scared of losing her pride and dignity, she was so scared to embarrass her own family she even abandoned one of her children. It would have been such a disgrace to be pregnant before marriage. And trust me, her family was prestigious, still is, it's just that I am not part of it anymore. After my father left she got disowned by her family and they refused to take me in, she tried to leave me with them thinking my life would be much better like that. Maybe it would have turned out different, maybe a lot better. Who knows. But this is not really important now.

My stepfather was a pitiful person, married to a woman he loved madly but who refused to even look at him. He knew I wasn't his real son yet he accepted me as one. Who knows why, maybe because I was her son. I am sure, he tried to his best to own her, probably forcing himself on her several times, trying to convince her to love him. But she refused, stubbornly loving only that other man. Who knows what happened to him. Maybe he abandoned her maybe it was the other way around. I just know one things, she sometimes told me that she will never forgive herself for being so bad. She told me “Jiyong, you can't be bad. If you are bad people around you will leave you and you will end up all alone. Don't be bad. If you are too bad, you will one day regret it a lot.”

Up until this day I don't understand why did she refuse to move on. Though, I genuinely believe that she cared about your father. I can't say I am sure she loved him in a romantic way but I can say that at least there was a platonic connection. They rarely were lovey dovely, rarely had lover's spats, rarely sat close enough to be mistaken for a couple but at least they were happy. She was very different from when she was with my stepfather, like another person. I could tell she was finally free.

What comes to my stepfather I don't know, was he ever free. That marriage it destroyed him inside out, maybe to the point he became traumatized. His moon broke, he broke it. What did he ever do to deserve such fate, I often wonder. He told me love was such a joke, when I asked him what love means he said it's like an evil curse. He refused to read me fairy tales, instead he'd read news, classical novels or stories about foreign countries. Is it pointless to remember all American presidents by heart when you are four? I think it is because by now I have forgotten all about it. I often think I was my smartest when I was four.

One day he told me we'd be going to an amusement park, I was excited. It was a very happy day for me, he bought me a lot of toys, we rode the scary roller coaster and he'd let me sit on his shoulders. When I got hungry he bought me french fries and sat me at one of the tables saying he'd be back soon. He was away for a long time but then I saw a glimpse of him, he was with a woman. “Again some woman” I had thought by myself and shrugged. The next thing I know he disappeared and... never came back.

But you know, it's really cruel to tell a little child, who trusts you, to wait because that child will wait forever. I remember laughing at you when you said you were waiting for your mother, when you looked so sure she'd come back one day. I asked you if she ever promised and you said no. I scoffed and told you even though my dad promised he never came so it would be useless to wait. But you know what? Sometimes I find myself still waiting. I don't even know why. Maybe to ask why but what will I do with the answer? Will it make me feel better? I don't think so. In a way, I have to admit that I am jealous of you since your mother did come back. I don't think my stepfather will, no matter how I wait.

I sat there all day without a single doubt. He will surely come back, he always keeps his promises. Like that I waited. But it started getting late, dark and cold. I was afraid to leave even to bathroom, what if he came back when I wasn't around? In the result I even wet myself, how embarrassing... When I was four I leaned what it means to be embarrassed, so embarrassed you can't even look anyone in the eye.

In the end someone asked me why was I sitting there and where were my parents. I told them dad asked me to wait. Probably this wasn't the first such case because soon the police had been informed and I was taken away. I remember screaming, crying, kicking and protesting with all of my might but somehow they talked me into leaving saying it would be cool to ride a police car and that they'd contact my parents and they will come pick me up. I calmed down, I believed them because they were police officers.

In the end my mother come to pick me up, she was pale and her eyes were red from crying. She was dressed in one of her silky dresses and a fur coat. I remember that because once she saw me she hugged me and cloaked me into the warmness of her coat. Thinking about her, back in the days she resembled Bom a lot, maybe that's why there was a time I fell in love with Bom. She really, is like my mother. Also, very unhappy. But... I will tell you more sometime later.

Strange enough, I wasn't feeling too much at ease even when seeing my mother and kept asking about father. She said she didn't know where he was and whether he will come back or not. She said, it would be better not to wait. I asked her if he left because I was bad. Of course, she declined and said she had been bad instead. Only years later it occurred to me, my father he didn't want to abandon me, he wanted to take me with him. In the end, I don't know why he didn't do it. She knew it and that's why she asked me to never leave her, she begged while crying. That night she hugged me tightly, crying herself to sleep.

As for me, I started thinking about a lot of things. Trying to connect million dots inside of my head. Sometimes my stepfather and mother quarreled, it was not a pretty sight and they had no idea I overheard them many times. Sometimes stepfather would say those hurtful words like “If only you never gave birth to that child. Of only he didn't exist” he'd yell. “If only he wasn't here.” She'd always slap him and tell him to never repeat such words. After his disappearance I made my own conclusion. I was bad, it wasn't my mother's fault but mine. Just because I existed, just because I was born, he left.

I stopped talking and my mother took me to see a doctor who'd always shower me with sugary words, give me candy and ask me to draw pictures. I knew they were trying to find out something, maybe about what I was thinking and I didn't want to let anyone in. If it wasn't my father then it would be no one, I would never open up, I decided. My father always told me to keep unpleasant things inside, to never tell them to people I wasn't sure I trusted because one day they might use my words against me. After he left I put my defense on. In the kindergarten there was a girl who liked me a lot, she'd confess every day but I ignored her. I hated that kind of thing because love, I had learned it was associated with something bad. I thought she hated me, I really thought she wanted to curse me or something so I ignored her.

For me it's hard to say if I hate my stepfather or love him. I don't know, I only know that he shines in my memories brightly, that's really all. One day I think badly about him, the other day I miss him.

Then I met you, a loud and obnoxious girl. You were so bright, so colorful and energetic. You blinded me at the first sight, you made me breathless. It's as if you were a robot without a stop button, always going, always planning, always talking. At first I was scared of you, being around you was so suffocating. But then that one night you offered to hold my hand when I was crying and couldn't fall asleep and I decided you can't be bad. Another time you promised you will never leave me, no matter what and that's how you became important to me.

I asked would you leave me if I was really bad and you just gave me this weird look then saying: “No, if you are really bad I'll just hit you in the face so hard it will really hurt.” Then you showed me what you were drawing, at first I thought it was a prince fighting a monster but then you told me it was me doing bad things (as in making a fire inside the house I thought was a box) and you hitting me with a frying pan (I thought it was some kind of alien but you said there was an egg...). Then you drew another picture and handed it to me, a picture with two really ugly people. You weren't that good at drawing... But it's the thought that matters, anyway. You said it was you and me, that we will always be together. Apparently you had this idea that after I am bad, you hit me and then I become good. At first I felt really offended because you drew such an ugly picture of me (and I was a lot smaller than you) but then... time passed and once I accidentally found that picture, I won't lie, I had tears in my eyes.

The therapy at the hospital never helped but you did. Around you, I felt strangely safe even though you bullied me quite a lot. I hated it how you laughed at my weaknesses, I hated to be so weak. That's one of the reasons why I decided to learn basketball. But even that... even though I was the best player in the boy's team I never could win you. You have the eye, the talent and you can read me like an open book while for me, you have always remained a mystery.

Someone might say, it's impossible I never truly understood you even after spending so many years together, but I didn't. I still don't and I guess, that's one of the main reasons why I like you so much. You are like an adventure to me, like a fairy tale I never believed into, like a miracle come true, like a well used chance. Once I think I have figured you out you go and do something unexpected, moreover you always understood me way too well. I was so afraid you'd see my true self, open up my heart, take what you want and throw me away.

You always threw everything around so carelessly and almost all of your toys were broken in a way or another. I was afraid to become one of those toys but the most, I was afraid of being laughed at after being abandoned. You always made sure you were the one who gets the last word and there was no way to control you as if you never had any weaknesses.

But my fear was not the reason why I did all those unforgivable things to you. It's because I was testing you. I thought I needed to be just a little bit worse and you'd leave. I didn't believe in your words, that it didn't matter if I was bad. I was sure, if I was bad enough then I'd end up alone. It was a never ending dilemma. I couldn't open up to you because I was afraid you'd understand and forgive me yet I couldn't hold it all completely hidden because I wanted you to understand and forgive but then I again I didn't want to let you in because there was a possibility you wouldn't forgive but then again, you just might, but then again.... So I was caught between love and hate not knowing what to do.

And under all that I always reminded myself that I... shouldn't have ever been born, that because of me, my mother had to suffer the divorce and be disowned by her family. I blamed it all on myself, I always blamed everything on myself. I was bad, me. I never wanted to let anyone into my soul, I didn't trust even a single person around myself, so I kept it all in.

When I met you again I was still as lost, even though, during the passed years I had finally understood how much I loved you. I knew it was love yet I was afraid to grab onto it. How could I take you when hyung always smiled at you so brightly? If you forgave me would I be able to forgive myself? No, I wouldn't. My guilt was too heavy, even if I made you smile I'd still remember those times I made you cry and I'd hate myself even more. I was sure that being with you would be the end of me. I still don't know what will happen.

All I know is that I love you and I am willing to take the risk. I'll try my best, it's time to stop escaping. I have stopped asking why because it doesn't matter. It's useless. It's time to let it all out because... I've chosen to trust you.

Forgiving... is so hard. I often said sorry and you seemed to always accept. You always forgave me, always. Yet I wasn't able to forgive you even once. But I loved you and it confused me, how can I love you and not be able to forgive? It's a loop of destructive thoughts. If I never forgive you then I must be really bad and who wants to be with a bad person? I'll end up alone.

But when I really did hit the rock bottom and was alone I still couldn't come to you even knowing I'd survive the break up just like any other person. I wanted you to hate me yet I was afraid of your hate. If she finds out what will she think? How can I go back to her? How can I accept her love? I'm not worth it, I haven't deserved anything. Like a whirlwind, my emotions stormed in my heart, endlessly.

Sometimes I'd come back, I'd look at you from afar and sigh in relief. I haven't gone crazy yet, I can breathe again, the walls haven't collapsed yet, I haven't been burned to ashes. I thought it would be enough to see you happy, even when I found out about your engagement I didn't feel anything more than maybe a little distant sting of a forgotten jealousy. I thought I could be genuinely happy. It was just curiosity, nothing more, I tried to convince myself. There were no feelings left, no feelings.

Also, Seung Hyun was butting into my business way too much so I wanted to take his mind off work. I brought you two together also because... never mind. But anyway, I thought it would be a fun show to watch, Taeyang and Seung Hyun fighting for you and you being confused whom to choose. Girls like that kind of things, I thought, especially Dara because she loves dramas. I took it upon myself to rewrite your life, I planned out a perfect happy ending, editing myself out of it all, completely, perfectly. After all, it was me who had thrown your fairy tale upside down in the first place.

But you just had to always ask unnecessary questions and be there to lighten up my day. I know at first you were lost between Taeyang and Jiyong but gradually your attention shifted at me. You wanted to find out about me, you were trying to figure me out, you were getting under my skin. Again, all over again. And the worst part was that often you could guess what I was feeling or thinking as if you had always known me. You have.

I tried my hardest to push you away, to make you uninterested but somehow it always failed. The more you spent time around me the harder it was to keep my hands away from you. I couldn't resist to tease you because I loved your cute outbursts. At first I was just keeping up the player image because I knew you hate that kind of behavior but soon I noticed the way you looked at me changed. And the more you liked me the more guilty I felt. The worse my mood swings became, the harder it was to be around you. Even when I told you about Soo Yeon you were so understanding. Was there really no way to get rid of you? Was there really no way to throw you out of my heart?

I guess no. The moment we met for the first time you already barged into my soul without any invitation. You didn't need one nor would you ever ask for one, you were like that. What you wanted you took and if you didn't get it you'd put up a big show. But you didn't ever seem dishearten by not always getting what you wanted, you understood that in life not everything is possible yet you believed in everything. You never lost hope, unlike me who threw it all away already at a very early stage of my life. Without even knowing it, you picked up all the broken pieces, you put the puzzle together, you made me whole again, you made me realize I have a heart too.

It will take a long time for the feeling of guilt to disappear, maybe it never will. It doesn't matter how many times you forgive me, I know you mean it. But as for myself, even now, I can't forgive myself even a little bit. Just love will never be enough, I need to think about it, I need to live on, I need to be around you, I need to hear your laughter, your voice, to feel you. I need you. And then, maybe one day I will wake up and feel completely at ease. But until then I will just love you with all I've got and I won't hurt you no matter what, I'll give it all back to you. All the suffering you went through, I'll pay back with million times more of love and care. I promise.

I love you because you are everything what I am not and I need you to fill all those empty holes in me. I can't say that you are the only one who can do it but I can say you are the only one I want. And the funniest thing is that I don't even know what I have to offer to you. I feel so useless, I feel like I am just a nuisance, a burden. And that's why, I am always running away. Because when we come to the core of it all I am afraid of nothing else but breaking you and that's the least I want.

What could there be what fairy doesn't have but a fool does?
Is there even such a thing?

Yes. Love.
 

He just needs some magic to unleash it


“Dara, I love you.”

What curse? There never was one. Love killed me once but it also brought me back to life, it kept me alive all these years and now I am here with you. I thought you would remain just a beautiful dream, that you won't ever be real but you have always been closer than I thought, you have always been real. My moon might have broken but you gave me yours, never mind. Let's forget about the moon. No one cares about the moon, no one needs it. Stars are cold, they are dead, too far away. We don't need them as long as we have each other.

I never knew... that rewriting your life would be impossible. How come you were able to read silence, to hear my unspoken confession and feel my pain? You saw past all the lies, you accepted someone like me, you healed me. You saved me. You... are wonderful.

Just a big FAT lie
That's me.
That was the monster within me.


Your spell I threw it away because fairy tales, they were never real to me anyway. Nothing, not even our love will make me believe into them. After all I am just a fool. But, now I know that love did conquer something. My heart.

If The Little mermaid never died we wouldn't have have learned what love really is about.It's time to stop asking questions because the fairy tales have been written and we can't change them anymore. So Snow White gets her prince, 3 little pigs stay alive, Cinderella loses her shoe, Red Riding Hood gets saved from the wolf and Sleeping Beauty wakes up. Every single time.
 

All what's left is...
 

...to believe.



If only this was the... ending but no. As long as we are alive there will be no end.
We are yet to get our happily ever after.
We will get one, right?

“When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"

"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"

"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.

Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.”

― A.A. Milne

It was rather strange to wake up in Jiyong's arms. You'd think it was sweet and wonderful, like from a fairy tale, a sneak peak after the promised happily ever after. You'd think I would lie there watching his adorable sleeping face, caress his cheek and whisper silent I love you's or that he'd do such things to me while white curtains flutter in the wind and birds chirp briskly. A few sun rays would fall over the bed and cute animals sing behind the window... screw that.

Waking up next to Jiyong was awful. First of all he was hugging me so tightly I was suffocating, second my face was buried into his chest and I couldn't breathe properly (that's why I even woke up so early), third my arm hurt from sleeping on it and fourth it was hot under the blanket and our skins glued together (peeling myself off of him stung a little).

And besides, he was drooling all over my hair! I pushed him away with my arms and legs and he finally rolled on the other side of the bed, groaning and sighing. And then he started snoring. UGH! Actually it wasn't that bad, he'd snore only for a little while when he was lying on his back and luckily he seemed to prefer to sleep on his stomach or side. And it wasn't that kind of loud snoring, I could live with this. But definitely not cute.

Thinking about last night and those things he told me made my heart feel a little heavy. Now I finally understood everything perfectly and it all made sense. People in his situation would attempt to hurt themselves but he had chosen to hurt others because hurting others and living with the guilt of it all hurts more than slitting your arms or overdosing on sleeping pills. Even though it's so utterly stupid. Because his pain it kept him from dying. Perhaps, even when he grew up that little child inside of him was still waiting for the answers and thus he had to keep going on. This really makes me wonder about kids, how adults always misunderstand and act careless.

“If you are bad, you will be left alone.”

Look at how this harmless simple sentence ruined his life. Unable to look at his own mirror reflection and accept what he was seeing. A frightful monster sitting at the door of his heart and guarding his happiness, making sure it would be kept locked in and never let out. Jiyong grew up hating himself, no wonder he was unable to accept love from anyone especially the people he cared about, because he never thought of himself as worthy of any of it. But it's not like will could ever stop love from happening and that made him stumble over an unwinnable dilemma. How to push away something inevitable? By hurting others and by making them give up instead.

That bitter and disappointed little child would always stare him in the eye from the mirror, his eyes glazed with ice, keeping him in control. The monster would hold back the door, chain it even harder and perhaps add one more lock. It must have been driving him crazy. 'How to stop myself from loving?' He must have asked himself countless of times. 'How to get rid of this suffocating feeling?' And those words must have come back to his mind. “If you are bad, you will be left alone.” Being left alone became his last hope. Doing all those hurtful and awful things suddenly seemed like a good idea, there was a good reason, an approval. Yes I hate her, it's not love, I will never love anyone.

He couldn't express his feelings in any other way but causing pain, doing damage and escaping. Hiding behind countless excuses and layering lies one over another to hid the painful truth. It was fear. Such a fear he wanted to die. Fear to grow up, fear to be loved, fear to love, fear to... live. Fear of a little boy left alone in an unfamiliar place, fear of never being rescued, fear of being abandoned all over again. Not having an idea what will become of you. What if no one cares? There is no place you could go to, no one to depend on and you suddenly feel like you are not needed. Like there is no difference if you are or aren't. They say it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. But what if your trust gets an unbearable crack too early, before you have got a proper footing?

In the Bible didn't they say something about building a house on a rock because when you build it on the sand the flooding will come and destroy it? It's one of Tesh's favorite quotes. If your faith in God is not rock solid, it being the foundation of your beliefs, then as soon as trial and tribulation comes your way then you will stumble and fall. I didn't really care much about this quotation and always wondered why did he keep telling me about it, often mentioning it during his sermons too. Why did my grandma as well, always tell me this? What did they want to teach me? What?

John did it better. “Forget about God” he said. “Just interpret this into real life: If you don't trust into your beliefs (or don't have any trust or beliefs in the first place) then one day the flood will come and destroy you because you have nothing to hold onto, no shield that would protect you from the blow. ” Some people have God, some Allah, some Buddha, some themselves, some family, some a lover, the point is they trust and believe into something or someone, blindly. That keeps them whole, intact, going. And those, who are unable to grab onto anything sane lose their minds.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.

- Frank Crane

But where goes the line? If you don't know then your life becomes an endless ping pong game between the two extreme cases. You crash into one wall and are sent flying into the other direction. Who is holding the bats? God? Don't make me laugh, people around you. Breaking promises, some people might think it's nothing but that... that might ruin a life. So easily. Adults can handle many things and get over, but not an inexperienced child who still needs a little bit more love and guidance.

His father did break the moon.

The trust and love.

He broke Jiyong.

One broken promise could shatter the vase, you glue it together but it will never be the same again. The glue might be bad and some pieces will be falling off, the vase might get broken again into even smaller pieces and you are unable to find the glue. You need everything fixed quickly but the god damn glue went missing, someone stole it and you are chained to the wall or trapped into a room, you can't go out and simply buy some. You have to sit and wait for someone to come in, hand you the glue and perhaps help with the gluing.

But outside the door, everyone is busy with their own problems and no one has time to look for the key or fight the monster guarding you. No one knows what you really want either and you are unable to come out to ask for it. You might also be afraid to be laughed at or be cheated on, you can't risk the vase to be broken for the third time because then you might not be able to glue it back together anymore. But you want someone to come, you want it so badly. And this is a never ending dilemma, a limbo, a loop, a circle with no way out. No way out.

And Jiyong has been trapped in that room since he was 4. That makes 19 years and 9 months. No wonder he is scared to come out into the world which has changed dramatically, he wouldn't recognize it anymore. I am happy he met someone like Seung Hyun, that must have been his first step, Soo Yeon might have been a push forward but also a tug back, Bom has been a great support and Daesung a glimpse of light in the darkness. And me... I am not sure if I handed him the glue but I am sure I will be there to help him to fix the broken vase. I hope he lets me. I hope we can do it together.

With only the towel wrapped around my moist body I climbed back on the bed. I couldn't sand being alone with my thoughts about cute little Jiyong waiting for his father who never came back. Imagining his trustful and calm expression broke my heart because I knew how the story ends, in a short time everything would be broken. He was just too pitiful and I wanted to hug all of his pain away. I wished I was there to slap some sense into his father's airhead. How could a father do something like that to his own child? Even though not exactly his own but still a child.

Jiyong was still asleep and lied calmly under the covers his back facing me. I hugged him from behind and buried my face into his neck, tears already wallowing in my eyes. “Jiyong” I whispered. “My poor Jiyong.” It would be impossible for me to momentarily trust him completely or forgive his bad deeds but I knew I loved him and little by little the doubt would fade away. I couldn't be 100% sure he'd stay with me forever, he still could change his mind any time, but I wouldn't worry about that because what matters is the moment we live in. I'll let my heart love him and forgive by itself, it will. I had gotten over everything long ago, that's the first step.

Slowly Jiyong stirred in his sleep. “What's wrong?” he asked as he turned around to face me, his sleepy eyes barely open. “What happened?” I just cried, pressing my body against him and he hugged me, kissing my hair and shushing me to calm down. After letting me cry for quite a while, me, wiping my tears away, and planting kisses on my forehead he finally grew tired of it. “Pepsi, please don't pity me. It makes me feel awful” he whispered.

“It's not pity” I muttered. “It's love.”

“Aww you are so cute” he chuckled. “Stop crying or I'll start crying too.”

I buried my face into his chest and hugged him. He chuckled his finger trailing the edge of the towel, slipping under and sneakily loosening it. When I felt the towel starting unwrap from around myself I finally leaned away and gave him this disapproving look he ignored. “Finally” he pushed me on my back and pinned me down. I let him kiss my cheek and his thumb wipe my other cheek dry but when his lips slid over mine and his hand started tugging onto the towel I turned away from him.

“Didn't you say you wanted to take it slow?” I mumbled when he kissed my shoulder blade and his teeth sank into the towel ready to jerk it away. A little bit annoyed I gripped onto my towel and turned my back at him, but his arm s over my waist and his chest pressed against my back. He leaned over my head and kissed the corner of my mouth. I just grunted and he chuckled in response, hugging me even tighter.

Pause

Actually I am ashamed to admit this but yesterday after he told me about everything we... had . Wait! It was not supposed to happen. Perfect outcome would have been us cuddling together, holding each other and just remaining like that listening to each others' heartbeats and silent thoughts until finally falling asleep. Innocent and peaceful. So what went wrong?

We didn't speak a word after his confessions, just lied there staring at the roof. Once in a while our gazes would meet and we stared at each other but then one of us always broke the eye contact. It all started with him innocently tucking my bangs behind my ear and his fingers lingered there just a bit longer caressing my cheek, his thumb sliding over my lips. He leaned in and kissed me, just a slight peck on the lips. Then another peck and another and more and finally he swept me along. His cold hand slid over my waist, intruding under my shirt and came all the way up to my shoulder, pulling my shirt higher along the way.

Mind you, the kissing had not gotten out of hand yet and when he pulled away for a second I took a deep breathe thinking we could now just... hug and fall asleep. But suddenly he attacked my neck and my fingers started ing his shirt on their own. In no time we were groping each other everywhere and when we kissed again it wasn't just a peck anymore. Our clothes were gone rather quickly and it all happened so fast I didn't have time to reconsider. There was something about the atmosphere, all that bubbling voltage in the air, overflowing passion, and the spilling need to feel him even closer.

Suddenly I found myself staring into his deep sparkling eyes, calling out his name and tugging him lower so I could kiss him while my fingers gripped onto his hair. And he was so gentle, so caring, so careful. This is how I had imagined our first time to be, this was it. After the overwhelming adventure he hugged me to sleep whispering sweet 'I love you's into my ear, the warmth of our skins melting together. Perfect. But still, I would have preferred if we took it a bit slower. Look at him now.

Play

“Ya, stop groping my s” I complained. He didn't listen so I grabbed his hand and let my nails skin into his skin, the pain making him wince. “I'm serious.”

“Why not?” Jiyong whispered seductively in my ear, his hot breathe on my skin made me shiver. “Pain just turns me on.”

“Now is not the right moment. Let's take it slow-ahmm~ STOP.”

“But I want you so baaad” he whined. “Now.”

“Shut up.”

“Just don't think about anything and let's get lost into a moment” I heard him smirk. “Didn't you say something about 3 minutes and bla bla, mmmm” he kissed me in middle of his sentence.

“ert, leave me alone.” I attempted to stand up but he held me down, we were still in the same position on our sides and him hugging me from behind. Though I suddenly felt how the position started to transform. His leg slid over my waist and I felt certain pressure, he was leaning over... Wait a second.

“Are you trying to climb over me?”

“Yo y mama, gimme some.”

“Don't even think about it” I grabbed his hand when it started sliding lower, his fingers brushing against my inner thigh. “Seriously what are you- offf” I couldn't believe what just happened, he really climbed, or rolled, over me and plopped in front of me so he could see my widened eyes and parted lips. He smiled when I burst into laughter. “Are you a kid climbing over me like that?”

“That was tiring” he chuckled. “I felt like I was climbing over a mountain.” I ignored his teasing and kept laughing while he watched me with that blissful smile on his lips. I swear, he was so cute sometimes.

Casually his hand fell on my thigh and slid up my side trailing my figure. He made me feel like I was his, like he owned me. What a satisfying f