"Baby, you are my death."



Don't ask me to explain my and Seung Hyun's relationship, I wouldn't know what to say. Are we in love? I don't think so. Do we like each other? Maybe I like him. Am I crushing on him? I most probably am. Whom am I kidding, I'm head over heels, definitely.

Compared to the feeling Jiyong gives me, what I get from Seung Hyun is 100 times stronger.

But it's so useless to even think about loving him. It's plain useless, I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. And even though Jiyong is there to help and protect me I keep refusing him. Why must I be so stupid? In a way I love him so much more but still, that love is not enough. Why isn't it enough? I definitely have a death wish.

I was too tired to think about anything so I started humming the ramen song trying to forget everything. It was no use to try to figure out anything anyway. Who is my fool? I wonder too...

When I walked out from the elevator I saw a dark figure in front of my door. My body froze and my heart started beating faster. What if it is some gangster or something? What if it's that person who wants to kill Seung Hyun and he is here to kidnap me or something?

"Sandara Park, I swear..." he grumbled.

"Jiyong?"

"Where the fck were you?" he walked closer to me and I saw his, now even more bruised face.

His eyes glared at me burning my skin.

"Just places..." I said dryly.

"Do you know how worried I was?"

I shrugged. "Is Taeyang alive or did you kill him?"

"Don't talk about other guys" he barked. "I don't care."

I sighed. "You are so confusing. I am too tired to deal with you" I walked past him, towards my door.

"Yah!"

"Don't yell, you will wake everyone up."

"I'm glad you are okay" his voice softened and I glanced at him. He smiled.

"Are you a fool?"

"I think I am" Jiyong sighed. "The biggest out there."

Well, that made me blush and I quickly turned my face away from him. The heck?! I am not supposed to feel like this around him! My love is not love, it's just a faint memory of a broken heart, before it was broken.

The Jiyong I love, doesn't exist anymore. He is gone forever. Why is it so hard to accept?

"I'm not stuck in the past" Jiyong suddenly said "You are."

With surprised expression on my face I looked at him.

"I might have changed a lot but... also my love for you has grown bigger. It has changed too."

"Shut up! You are going to sleep with another woman tonight, right?" I said with sarcasm in my voice.

"Then tell me not to" he smirked.

"No" I put the key in the lock of my door. "That's not love" I muttered under my breathe.

"It's not like we are dating yet or anything. What's wrong with me sleeping with other women? It's just without feelings attached. Besides, didn't you say you don't care?" he was definitely trying to irritate me.

"Why do you want me to tell you not to meet other women?"

"Because" he paused. "It can't be me who goes to you, you have to come to me."

I looked at him, there was this mysterious smile on his face. That definitely meant something much deeper than it sounded. It was definitely a piece of the ultimate truth. What's holding you back? You too.

"Then tell me what is love?" I looked at him as I opened my door.

"Love is the spell you put on me" he smirked.

"You are an idiot."

"No, a fool"

I uttered a laughter. "You can try all you want. I will not go out with you."

"Why are you so eager to turn me down?"

"My heart tells me to."

"Bull" Jiyong pursed his lips together. "Why can't it be me?"

"Because, I care for you too much" I said truthfully. "Let's talk some other time."

"You what?"

"Goodbye."

"Yah" he stepped forward

"Duck " I stuck my tongue at him, quickly walked in my apartment and closed the door. My purse fell from my hands and I leaned against the door.

"It's not a duck " I heard Jiyong groan on the other side and laughed quietly by myself.

A soft thud and I knew he was leaning on the door too. Jiyong, what am I going to do with you? You fool, you truly are a fool. I wish I loved you as much as you love me.

I care about him so much, I love him, he is so incredibly important to me. So important sometimes I am afraid to touch him, what if he isn't real after all? But what kind of love is this?

No matter how lovesick I am sometimes, my heart has problems to accept him. I don't think I love him in that way. It is all in the past.

When Jiyong changed, when he finally grew up to be like another person, he lost that something I fell in love with. I don't know what it was but I know it is missing. That little something.

My heart beats in a very strange way whenever I see Seung Hyun. I hate that feeling.

And whenever I think about loving Jiyong a strange thought strikes me. Sometimes everything he says seems so fake, like a joke, like he is planning something else. I don't want to be suspicious but... it's as if he is playing a game yet I know he loves me. He must be stuck between something too, that's why he keeps changing his mind and acting all confusing. He seems to be in so much pain, confused himself. About everything.

We all are hurting.

But how to ease that pain?




The next thing I knew I was packing my bags. Fed up with everything and everyone I decided to go on a holiday to a place where only Jiyong would know to look for me and I am sure he was smart enough not to bother me if I decided to leave. Unless he has a death wish.

A snapshot from the past.

"Are you sure you will be all right here?"

"Trust me, no one can find me here."

"I'm more worried about the nuns."

A soft chuckle in the wind, so heartbreakingly sad.

Jiyong glanced lazily at the man beside himself. If you took a closer look you would have noticed this man looked breathtakingly handsome. His black raven hair styled to suit him perfectly, his eyes sparkling with life and his lips curved into a lopsided smile.

No, this wasn't Seung Hyun even though the resemblance was amazing. No this was someone else.

"Well, dongseng. This is it I guess." His voice deep like an ocean.

"How long will it take?"

"Maybe a month maybe... forever." The look in his eyes, broken.

"Don't say that" Jiyong lowered his gaze and let out a sigh.

"I've always been a realist. This battle... we might lose it."

"Hey hey hey! Who do we have here."

"Not you two again" Jiyong grumbled as he saw two older men approach.

"And who might be this young man?" the plump man stopped in front of the tall handsome stranger and gazed in his eyes, suddenly captivated by their beauty.

"You have eyes of an angel, I say."

"That's because he is a reincarnation of Jesus" Jiyong snickered.

"What have I told you about jokes like that?" The tall man slapped the back of Jiyong's head.

"Owww, you evil pastor" he pouted his lips. "I can joke about anything and no one is stopping me."

"Let's see who will be the last laughing, when you burn in hell and I enjoy my time in heaven."

"This is so lame" Jiyong muttered under his breathe.

"But this guy, a friend?"

"Meet Eun Tae Hoo hyung."

"Eun Tae Hoo..." the tall man rubbed his chin. "You have such memorable eyes."

"Well thank you" Tae Hoo let out a carefree laughter. "No one has ever mentioned such a thing."

"It's because, their beauty is hidden by guilt."

"Oh my" Tae Hoo chuckled warmly. "It's true."

He didn't know how to lie.
 

About four hours away from Seoul, drive through a small mellow village, turn to the left after an apple tree maze and after about six kilometers on a sand road, there it is, my sanctuary. On a green hill, surrounded by wast fields and deep forest, just a walk away from a clean sparkling lake, there nestles Am Saeng orphanage.

A two floor red tile building, grim and gloomy yet safe and dependable. Next to it towers a small, gray church with black roof and tall steeple. Once in a hour the bell chimes, the birds living under the roof fly out and chirp, startled and bothered by such loud noises. Children who play football on the muddy field stop and make a run towards the cafeteria, knowing it is lunch time. The football lies abandoned and alone, waiting faithfully and patiently for little feet to return.

Waiting forever.

This is a place where I used to spend my childhood summers together with my grandma who became a nun after the death of her husband.

Her love for him was so great she couldn't love anyone else in her lifetime, not even herself as much as she loved him. All she could do was share her love to those who didn't receive any, orphans. When I think abut it, such a small country as South Korea has awfully many orphanages. What a saddening thought.

I was four when I came there for the first time. Apparently my parents had sent me there wanting to have me out from their busy schedules and probably to spend some quality time together. Back in the days we weren't that wealthy and heck, we never were. Mostly because mother was too lazy to do any real work, once in a while she'd help at her friend's restaurant or do some other light job to earn a little cash.

Dad was the one always working, he had three jobs because of my rather demanding and somewhat selfish mother. Instead of buying me that teddy bear I had been sighing at for months she bought new make up for herself. I don't even know if she really loved me.

I remember her singing to me when I couldn't fall asleep and my hair. I guess she did. She always told me how I shouldn't trust men and be independent myself, work hard and be a strong woman, survive on my own. Everything what she wasn't...

Once in a while she got tired of being a mother so she sent me to grandma who was more than happy to have me around. To help her do the chores... Family members from my mother's side have always been such Nazis... and always, free souls. I guess, one day mother realized she was tired of being a mother all together and so she ran away with some man without even telling goodbye. That's when I stopped believing in fairy tale like love.

To see your father, a grown man with grayish hair and strong body, a man who you thought could carry whole world on his wide shoulders, cry after a snobbish woman and ask himself what did he do wrong... that's painful. It feels like the world is about to end because that person who is in the center of your world starts to collapse and you find the sky falling lower little by little. He did everything for her yet she left him.

Shaking those depressing thoughts off my mind I got out from the bus with my duffel bag hanging on my shoulder and made my way towards the taxi stand. Now I only need to turn right after the apple tree maze and soon I would be at my destination.

But first, I went to buy a lot of different kinds of snacks, fruits and toys for the kids, also feeling bad that I haven't visited for about a year now. Usually I came once in a while, at least once in the summer. I know I could have used my first paycheck aka Seung Hyun's money more wisely but who cares? As long as those cute, beautiful, lonely children are happy I am too. Still, I always get too excited and buy too much.

Those beautiful lonely children who tackled me in the mud, robbed me from the gifts I prepared for them, called me weird names, laughed at me and then left me lying on the yard...

I forgot I hated them.

"Get back here! I am taking everything back! You don't deserve these gifts!" I yelled as I ran after the mischievous little devils trying to catch at least one of them.

But shoot, I should have kept my body in a better shape because I couldn't catch even one. The candies were eaten in an instant and the toys hidden away from me. So I gave up.

The nuns were so happy to see me they assigned some chores for me right away. Washing clothes, helping in the kitchen, bathing kids, reading stories, cleaning the yard and sweeping floors. Nothing had changed since those times my grandma was alive.

Even though I was a kid back then I had to earn my food if I wanted to stay at the orphanage. They used me, these innocent and kind nuns, used me harshly. Conclusion: never trust a nun. But at least helping around took my thoughts off other depressing things. Everything was just the same. Always and forever.

The priest and the cantor were so happy to see me because now they got a new drinking buddy. Meaning no one ever asked if I wanted to drink or not... It was already decided, we would be getting wasted today and every day. Heavens help me. Apparently it was too troublesome to always go to the village and they usually fell with their scooters when they tried to come back totally wasted. I heard it was bad publicity to the church if the priest has bruised face. No kidding?

I don't know how you imagined priests to be but they are just human beings after all. is a grave sin but drinking wine isn't so do the math. Poor men, living surrounded by all these pretty women but not being able to touch any, I pity them. It's awfully suspicious how much wine this remote church always orders but no one asks questions because these two men are so nice and bubbly. All false pretenses. Conclusion: always suspect the priests.

The priest and the cantor have always been best buddies. I already met them in my childhood, back then they were middle aged brisk, honest and responsible men but by now they must have gotten tired of the celibate and this boring village so they became two drunkards.

Usually they spent their evenings in the basement drinking and playing cards or watching sports from TV. No matter how much fellow nuns scolded them they refused to change their ways but when they got older they started drinking less, probably cautious about their weakening healths.

Hmm, remember what the bible says about gambling? shhhh

John and Tesh, that's how they liked to be called unless you preferred to just call them cantor and father like people usually did. The two old men had the best sense of humor ever seen, a minute in their company and you are laughing already, a hour and your stomach hurts from laughing, one day you get tired of laughing, two days you start to feel sick from laughing too much, three days you simply can't laugh anymore, one week and you are so annoyed you want to just curse at their round happy faces.

However, "Jonhtesh" fck in disguise, is the only thing you can say because cursing is forbidden. Thus goes their signature joke:

"Hey John"

"Tesh!"

I love these two old buddies, always together, always joking, always chilling around and telling their own versions of the stories of the Bible, always flirting with the nuns and getting scolded for that. But what I like the most about them, is that they are good speakers, so good you are never left confused after their sermons. And they choose their words carefully and wisely presenting them in such a way your mind gets blown away. They really make you realize things in the most wicked ways.

"Jesus might have said this and that but we weren't there to hear. What we read is only interpretations of other people, translated and changed so many times the meaning might have faded away already. What's left is to believe in ourselves and find all the good in his words that we are able to read this days. Human is born good and bad habits are something we learn along our life route.

You know what is good so next time you go out, share your smile. Because you know what is good, what's left is to do what's good. Putting blame on others and depending only on others, it's a bad habit. Jesus lives in us all and he is the spirit of the pure truth so that's why, we all read the bible in out own way, understanding everything differently.

That is a gift. If we all put our minds together and give what we feel is right we get justice."

"Forgiving is hard but when you think about it, isn't holding grudges even harder and more tiring? Clean your mind and soul from hatred, forgive and move on. Clean yourself from the vicious thoughts devil has sent into your heart and let yourself free from the chains of evil. Heaven will always support your good deeds and intentions. And heaven is always there, just above you, watching and supporting you. As long as you believe."

"It's important to not only seek for our own benefits in everything but also hope for the best for each other even if it might sometimes hurt. Unhappiness lies in jealousy and greed. Helping each other we all can be happy, as in love as in life. What hurts once will become a source of strength later."

The dedicated Pastor who lives up to his name...

John 15:11
“These things have I spoken to you that MY JOY may remain in you, and that YOUR JOY may be full!”


... and the cantor who became a cantor only because he was disqualified in a talent show.

Proverbs 17:22
“A CHEERFUL HEART is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones!”
 

Every time I went to Am Saeng orphanage it was like stepping in a totally different world and I lost my sense of time. The sky was clear, stars came out every night and the moon would shine brightly. The air was always filled with natural and relaxing sounds like rustling of leaves in the wind, birds singing and grasshopper's concertos. Dog would bark somewhere in the distance and kids laugh all around. What could be better? Though, at some point the birds started getting on my nerves real bad. I just wanted to shoot and eat them all. I bet it's those fat ugly pigeons, always following me around.

Playing pirates at the lake with the kids was too much of a fun to even remember there was actually real world waiting for me somewhere. Who cares? I rather be an evil pirate running on the green field trying to catch naughty kids who would set traps for me and for the sake of their happiness, I stepped in every one of them.

At nights we would tell scary stories and in the end it was me who was scared and couldn't fall asleep when everyone else snored like little pigs. Even though every game would end up with me being the loser, made fun of and laughed at and even if it pissed the heck out of me, I enjoyed every second. Even when I was yelling my face beet red and getting scolded by the nuns not being patient and understanding enough. I enjoyed it all.

Yes. Me, Sandara Park, am officially escaping my problems and not even hiding it. Screw everything. I'm actually considering becoming a nun.

"Hey, loser get up" someone kicked my leg. "You look like a pig when you sleep."

"Go away" I hissed groggily and rolled on my side pulling the comforter to my chin.

"No, it's time to get up, lazy loser" I felt something wet and cold on my neck, it moved.

"Kyaaa. What is that?!" I yelled sitting up and throwing the blankets off myself. "Get it away."

"Nooo! You are going to squash it with your fat a.ss" the boy screamed falling on his knees and lifting up the blanket. I watched wide eyed how he caught his little lizard in his small hand.

"You almost killed him" he glared at me. "Lose some weight or something!"

"Jung Woo, you little basta.rd" I growled as I glared back at him.

"Nuna is swearing!" he announced in a loud voice as two nuns walked past the door. They looked at me disapprovingly and shook their heads looking like they had given up on me. Why you little!!

"Argh, what do you want?"

"I'm bored. I want to see you do something stupid" Jung Woo stuck his tongue at me. "Go fall down the stairs or something."

"How about I trow you down the stairs?" I quipped while rolling my sleeves up. "You just wait!"

"You stink" he said dully as he made his way towards the door. "Did you have fun farting all night long?`"

"Stop there" I darted at him.

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