"The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears."

And that's why son, I let you go.
 

“Ahjussi, are you crying?”

A young man shuddered upon hearing a sharp and mocking voice. He looked up and saw a little boy stand in front of himself. The boy looked very indifferent, eying the man with a rude scrutinizing look in his eyes. He arched his brows, his hands digging deeper into the pockets of his stained hoodie. He was actually covered in dirt from head to toe, having mud even on his cheeks. It had rained earlier and the man assumed the boy had been playing out, somewhere in the forest. The orphanage was located at such a nice place, allowing kids roam all over as they pleased.

“Am I crying?” A sad smile tugged at the man's lips. He had been sitting on a lonely bench, leaning his elbows on his thighs and staring at the ground, sitting like that for so long his body had started aching. And he didn't even notice until now when he had to finally straighten up and stretch his legs out.

“But you are” The boy said teasingly. “How embarrassing.”

“Adults cry sometimes too” the man pouted.

“But not real men.”

“You have no idea...” the man said under his breathe as he chuckled. Surprisingly the boy didn't speak anymore, he just stood there staring, his almond eyes squinting. Staring somehow suspiciously.

“Aren't you going to ask why I was crying?” he man asked with amused tone of voice.

“Why should I? I don't care about your problems.” The boy stepped closer, his eyes concentrated on something. The man furrowed his brows, wondering what was so interesting that had captured the boy's whole attention.

“Can you give me that candy?” the boy suddenly asked, shifting his gaze at the man's face.

“Candy?”

“That!” The boy pointed his finger at the man's pocket and he realized there was a lollipop sticking out, he chuckled.

“You cheeky kid. Haven't you learned that you shouldn't accept anything from a stranger?”

“You are saying that just because you are stingy and what to eat that lollipop all by yourself. What a greedy ahjussi.” The boy kicked a few pebbles as he spoke.

“You can have it” The man took out the lollipop and started unwrapping it.

“Whaaa, your wristwatch is so cool!” the boy gasped when he saw a glint of silver around the man's wrist. He quickly climbed on the bench and leaned closer to see better, his dirty hands staining the man's pants. But the man, he didn't really care.

“When you grow up there will be even cooler watches” he smiled “Here, have your lollipop.”

“Thank you” the boy smiled for the first time and popped the candy in his mouth, eying the man again.

“But you look rich.”

“I'm not” The man sighed, for a second adoring the boy's beautiful smile. His small eyes became so small it was hard to tell if they were open or not, making him look like a happy anime character. That familiar smile...

“Then you must be a good liar.”

“How did you know? In fact, I am a really good liar.”

“I heard lying is not good though.”

“How old are you?”

“They say I will be 9 this year.”

The man looked somehow longingly at the boy.

“And guess what?” the boy suddenly laughed happily. “I will get adopted soon!”

“Are you happy?”

“Can't you tell?”

“Say” the man leaned back and slid a bit lower, taking a very relaxed position on the bench, he crossed his arms over his stomach and sighed. “Do you hate your real parents?”

“Then do you, ahjussi? Is that why you were crying?”

“Ani, I love my parents but... how about you?” Actually he lied, he loathed his own parents.

The boy shrugged on the lollipop. His, even though small but, deep eyes filled with a thoughtful light. “Maybe if I meet them one day then I will know.”

“So you never met them?”

“No.”

“But do you want to meet them?”

“Ahjussi” The boy turned to look at the man. “Why are you asking so many questions?”

“Why not?” The man flashed a lopsided smile.

“But it's suspicious, are you a spy?”

“Eish, how can that be?” The man poked little boy's forehead with his finger. “Why would I spy on you?”

“Maybe, you are an alien.”

The man just rolled his eyes. “You must have watched too many movies.”

“But, if the people who adopt me are good then I don't care if I get to meet my real parents or not.”

“You must be angry at them, right?”

“Ani” the boy smiled. “I have been thinking a lot” he slowly slid off the bench, his eyes resting already on something else more interesting. “And I decided it would be just a waste of time. I mean, I've seen these other kids say angrily how they really hate their real parents but in their sleep they would still cry for their parents. How pathetic, not manly at all. Wooow, nice worm. Look ahjussi, I'd catch a big fish with it, right?”

The man stared at the fat worm the boy was holding up. “I guess you could.”

“But they must be good parents, my life would be really sad if they decided to keep me and hated me forever. Here is much better, anyway. I will get new parents who will love me.”

“If you put it like that...”

“Any more questions?” the boy asked dully.

“Say” The man leaned forward, his elbow coming in contact with his thigh again. His eyes rested on the boy was now squatting down and looking for more worms. “If you happened to meet your real parents again, what would you tell them?”

“Hmmm” the boy thought for a while. “I guess, I'd say thank you.”

“Thank you?”

“Thank you for making me.” The boy smiled cheerfully. “Like in that one drama, all the ahjummas were crying. That guy was really cool.” [I'm sorry I love you]

The man's lips parted but before he could say anything he was interrupted.

“Opppaaaa! Why did you leave me behind?!” a girl's voice cried out.

“Oh no” the boy rolled his eyes. “Not again.”

They both saw a little girl clumsily run along the muddy road, many times she almost fell down but somehow managed to stay on her feet. “Oppa! Don't leave me” she yelled, a few tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. She finally reached the boy and grabbed onto his hand, hugging it tightly while still breathing heavily.

“So annoying, how did you even find me?” the boy tried to shake his hand free but failed.

“You have to be with me every second now!” the girl announced.

“Gross” the boy attempted to push her away. “I don't want to see you in the toilet.”

“But oppa!” the girl looked up her big beautiful eyes sparkling. “Halmoni said you will get adopted! What if we never meet again?! I will miss you much! Who will marry me?” she almost started crying.

“Wha?”
 

“You promised we will be together forever, I can't marry another boy!”

“When did I?” The boy shrieked his face flustering. “Let go of me” He started pushing the girl away but she held onto him even tighter.

“I can't oppa, I love you so much! You can't get adopted. No! I want to adopt you! You are my prince. MINE!”

“Aish, shut up. Here for you” he handed the half eaten lollipop to the girl.

“YAY!” She gasped and accepted the gift finally letting go of the boy's arm. “So good, but who gave it to you?”

“That ahjussi”

“What ahjussi?”

“That!” the boy turned at the bench but the man was gone, disappeared in thin air. “What?! He was right there just now!”

“Maybe it was a ghost!” the girl gasped. “Oppa I'm scared” she grabbed onto the pocket of his hoodie. “You have to protect me.”
 

“No, he was real” the boy insisted. “A very suspicious ahjussi, maybe he really is an alien? Besides he gave me that lollipop.”

“Oh no, what if it's poisoned?”

“It can't be. Phabo!”

“You have to kiss me so the bad spell will go away.”

“Oh please” the boy pushed the girl to the side and started walking back to the main building.

“Oppa wait for me” she ran after him and grabbed his hand. He let her hold onto himself, somehow it made him feel a little bit warmer, though the feeling was irritating.

“But oppa, when will you finally marry me?”

“Dara, you are ugly and stupid. No one will ever marry you.”

“That's why you exist, right?”

“Eish, phabohead! It's useless to talk to an alien like you. I said I will never marry you.”

“But when I grow up I will be a pretty princess.”

“No you won't.”

“How do you know?”

“Just look at you...” the boy snickered. “Trust me, I know. Do you know the story about a frog princess?”

“Yes.”

“It's about you except that princess part is a lie.”

“Nooo” the girl cried out.

“Forget about it, I don't want to marry a frog like you.”

“But oppa.”

“Oppa this oppa that. I'm not your oppa!”

“Prince.”

“I have a name and it's not a prince.”
 

“Hmph” the girl pouted her lips. “Fine. Seung Hyun prince oppa my husband- I will call you that!” she announced.

“Isn't that a bit too long?” Seung Hyun raised a brow.

“Which part do you want me to drop then?”
 

“Erm.”

Truthfully speaking, he didn't want anything to be dropped. Perhaps if she cared to add 'my love' at the end then it would be perfect... But of course, he was too proud to say anything like that and maybe a bit too shy too.

“Love me”

Me too, I also want to be loved.

 

It was him who fell asleep first but he never let go of my hand so I had to remove my fingers from his hold, which was tight. Still, next morning when I woke up he was holding onto the hem of my shirt. Like that, every day after that day, we would always sleep next to each other and he would always hold my hand or grab a fistful of my shirt. Never letting go as if always afraid he'd be left alone in the whole big world.

And I don't know why didn't I ever wonder what made him like that.

Cogsworth: Well Your Highness, I must say everything is going just swimmingly.
I knew you had it in you, ha ha!
Beast: I let her go.
Cogsworth: Yes, yes, splen - You... what? How could you do that?
Beast: I had to.
Cogsworth: Yes, but, but, but... but... why?
Beast: Because... I love her.
Disney: Beauty & the Beast


I woke up with a startle and immediately sat up in the bed, the comforter falling off of my body. Blinking I slowly started realizing what had happened, bits and parts of memories drifted into my mind finally forming a clear picture. Wonderful. My eyes landed on a clock, it said 11:20 and I felt familiar thumping inside of my forehead, a slight hangover.

The room was surprisingly warm, even pleasant. I kicked the comforter away and slid off of the bed. From the corners of my eyes I noticed a set of clothes on a chair and I was sure they were prepared for no one else but me. I went trough them without any interest, just a pair of straight pants a blouse and fresh set of a very boring underwear. Without thinking much I got dressed and then walked out from the bedroom.

He preferred warm colors like brown, off-white and very light orange. Walls were mostly and the book shelves empty, a few picture frames stood there in all loneliness. One was picture of Jiyong, Seung Hyun and Bom, one of his mother, one picture portrait of our family and one picture... was of me and himself, the picture he actually stole from my album at the very beginning of our adventure.

A photo album was lying open on the small coffee table and I noticed Seung Hyun was holding a photo between his fingers. He smiled at it somewhat bittersweetly, like it remained him of something long forgotten. "What are you looking at?"

...


"Eish, whatever" I grabbed the photo but he didn't let go of it. I frowned and tugged a bit harder, he gave me a semi serious look, also tugging back.
"Give it to me as a present."
"Why do you want it?" I raised a brow.
"You and... Jiyong look cute together." What was that suspicious pause?
"What do you mean by that?"
"What should I mean?" he answered cheekily. I see, no direct answers.
I sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll bring you a pillow and a comforter."

A bunch of National Geographic's were scattered on the coffee table and abandoned remote control peeked from between the fluffy pillows. His huge plasma TV was hanging from the wall in a strange angle if you consider the position of the sofa. And the window... The window in the living room was huge with an amazing view and it lit up the whole room allowing million sun rays to beam in. During the night he could sit on his over sized sofa and, deep in his thoughts, stare at the blinking lights of Gangnam or a few stars he could see on a clear day, maybe even the pale moon, for him forever broken. He didn't even need the television. No wonder it was kind of on the side. My eyes caught an xbox and a wii lying in the corner and bunch of games neatly arranged on their rack. Boys will be boys.

The furry carpet felt comfortable between my toes and under my soles as I walked around a bit, shuffling here and there like a curious child. I opened a few drawers just to see a bunch of forgotten things buried under each other, even a handgun. I quickly shut the drawer and pretended I never saw anything. Some things about him, I just don't want to know.

The kitchen was separated from the living room only by a counter and it was equipped with all the latest appliances you could dream about. I didn't even know what half of them were for. Probably he didn't even use them because they looked quite untouched and new, except the old pink rice cooker imprinted with cute flowers, it looked quite cheap too. What's up with that?

I peeked in the refrigerator and to my surprise it was almost empty. Only half empty ketchup bottle, a huge kimchi container and three eggs stared back at me as if asking what business did I have with them. Suddenly I felt offended by their stares, well sorry I invaded your privacy, dudes. I slammed the door close and opened the lower part, finding rows and rows of beer. No sign of a woman in the house. What a cliche bachelor...

There was a second floor and I climbed up the wooden stairs. A corridor and three doors, one of them lead me into a storage of some kind, it was just full of junk piled on top of each other and I was afraid everything would crash on top of me so I quickly closed the door. Second room was another bathroom, very spacious one with the bathtub and everything. An overflowing basked with dirty clothes, barely even used shirts and pants. There was nothing more. I lost my interest rather quickly and went to explore the last room. I guess it was a study of some kind.

The walls were lined with Japanese style bookshelves on top of each other, all kind of books and files extruding from them. I grabbed one file and flipped trough it, familiar neat handwriting appearing in my view. I slid my finger over the page, my mind suddenly filling with Jiyong. Would you laugh at me if I told you I already missed his scent?

A computer on a low table in the corner, slim pillows on the floor, his police uniform all wrinkled and dirty, more notes, chocolate wrappers, empty unwashed coffee cup, coffee stains on the table and carpet, different colored markers and a furry blanket, everything scattered over like colorful sprinkles of life. So this is how he lives? This is who he is? I

grabbed Jiyong's fancy looking camera, it took me a while to find out how it works, and then I snapped a picture of myself with my happiest smile on my lips. Like a goodbye gift.

You are a fool Jiyong, you really are.

Time's up.

Our 3 minutes were over long ago.

The garden of my old house was looking way better nowadays. At first I thought it was the pastor ahjussi taking care of it but then I heard it was my mother. I once saw her tending to the flowers and wondered, was this her way of comforting herself? Did she remember how dad used to work here, how much he loved his garden? Maybe she didn't know it but somewhere down deep, subconsciously... there must have been that bugging feeling. Those wonderful memories, where would they disappear to? Maybe she hadn't been her happiest then but at least life was decent, at least she must have been happier than now.

“Isangeee [strange]” My mother suddenly popped to sit next to me on the veranda. “But you seem different lately.”
“How so?” I smiled.
“More mature maybe?”
“Oh, maybe because I have learned something.”
“What is it?” she asked curiosity appearing in her voice. “Did you... fall in love?”
“No” I chuckled. “I just found out about something.”
“Quickly tell me what is it!” she slapped my arm.
“Unni” I gave her my best smile. “I don't have to know everything.”
“Eh? What does that even mean?”
“It's enough to know my own feelings, that's enough.”
“Eish... and here I thought I'd be hearing good news” she pouted cutely and I recognized myself in her.
“Because love is.”
“Love is?”
“It just is.”

"You lost the battle" Seung Hyun said quietly when he stepped in his office after me.
"Do you have to rub it in my face?" I asked trough gritted teeth.
"Don't be too disappointed" he ruffled my hair and walked past me to his desk
"No one has ever beaten me in my own game."

I wouldn't be so sure.
Because.
Love is..

 

“Hey, phabohead! Are you planning to bury yourself alive here?” Seung Hyun chirped as he bolted into Jiyong's office. But his smile fell when he saw the room was empty. Great, and he had made specially some time for this trip to the Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency. He had a special pass to be able to walk around quite freely since he was part of the project Jiyong was working on.

But the time was a problem, with Dara and Paradise Kiss his hands were quite full. Besides, she had been getting quite close with the red haired kool-aidgot...

Why did she always choose a guy with homo vibes? If it was some manly man Seung Hyun wouldn't mind but these girly sissies. In his mind he thought about half wrestler, well that would be a man worthy her. He could also protect her from anything. Should he try to arrange a blind date? He shook those thoughts quickly away.

“Whatever, just die from over exhaustion” Seung Hyun mumbled bitterly as he placed two little plastic bags on Jiyong's desk, he had even bought some food on the way.

The brat wasn't answering his phone so Seung Hyun had gotten quite worried. As a brother he had his responsibilities and even though he had no much control over Jiyong he at least could take care the kid had his meals. After all, he had promised to love him... Seung Hyun smiled by himself as his eyes scanned Jiyong's messy desk, papers, folders and books were piled on top of each other. Absentmindedly he actually started organizing the desk, putting papers together, books on the one side, wondering where Jiyong had gone off to.

“Excuse me but who are you?” a pleasant voice spoke, startling Seung Hyun. He dropped the book he was holding and spun around his eyes landing at an older man at the doorway. The man eyed him his brows furrowed and suddenly something like shock flicked behind his eyes, he even took a step back.
“Anyonghaseyo” Seung Hyun bowed politely. “I came to see Seung Hyun but it seems like he has stepped out for a while.”
“Do you have an appointment?” the man asked with somewhat shaky voice. He his lips, fiddling with the folder he was holding, his eyes avoiding any contact with Seung Hyun's. “Who gave you permission to come in here?”
Seung Hyun just flashed a polite smile. “I am Seung Hyun's elder brother, do I have to make an appointment too? I just brought him some food as I am worried whether he is having his meals or not. I'll leave now.”
“Brother?” the man asked, his brows arching. Seung Hyun looked at him in suspicion. Somehow this man, was acting strange like someone caught doing something really bad, right in the act. Could it be there is a rat?
“Can I ask who you might be?” Seung Hyun asked, stopping right in front of the man, his eyes landing on the name tag. “In Pyo sshi?”
“I am the team leader.” In Pyo finally got a hold of himself and looked the young man in the eye. Those beautiful eyes.
“Is that so?” Seung Hyun flashed a friendly smile but his voice was tense. “Then please, take good care of my brother. He is a little bit of a workaholic and sometimes ignorant.”
It was like a battle of dazzling fake smiles and empty words.
“Oh, you don't need to worry. He does his job really well and I am really proud of him.”
“I am glad to hear that. Then, I will take my leave. It was a pleasure meeting you, In Pyo sshi.”
“Yes, but might I know your name?”
“Kim Jiyong.”
“I see, it was nice meeting you too. Please come over more often.”
“I will.”
“Then goodbye.”
“Yes, goodbye.”

As soon as Seung Hyun got out from the office and the door had been closed, he dropped his fake smile, a serious expression settling on his face. His almond eyes squinted and his lips formed a straight line. He didn't like this team leader one bit. Taking out his phone he quickly searched for Kang Woo's name and then pressed the call button.

“Hey, do you know where the kid is? I see, no. I went to his office but he wasn't there. But say, you have a new team leader? No, no. We haven't had much time to chat lately, you know how the situation is. But that new team leader, who is he exactly? Because I don't trust him. Isn't it strange, how come he is walking in and out of Jiyong's office like he pleases? Oh you did, nothing suspicious? Still, send the file to me too but don't tell the kid I am butting in, you know he hates that. What can I say, hyung's duty calling, yeah. Hey how are you lately man? Care to join me for a drink. Good, I'll see you later then.”

Even though Kang Woo rest assured In Pyo was trustworthy Seung Hyun was still suspicious about him. He strongly felt like he had met this man before, his voice sounded really familiar too. But where, how and when? It could have been anywhere. There was something about this man... something he couldn't quite point his finger at. “Strange...”

.
.
.

In Pyo threw the file he was holding on the table and placed his hands on his waist, trying to somehow comprehend what he had just seen. His gaze jumped from one object to another, while his brain was working on some kind of explanation. He clenched his jaw, his almond eyes squinting in the exact same way Seung Hyun's did.

“What is this?” he asked aloud. “Ani, how could this be? Have I mixed up something? But I made sure it's, I've double, no triple checked! Unless... could it be?” his eyes darted at the picture frame on Jiyong's desk and he grabbed it, bringing it closer to his face. “You, don't tell me you had two?” But it was possible, after all, they did meet once after those painful five years. “You... how could you?” he whispered. “Nappun yoja... you really are.” For a minute he just stood there trying to overcome his disbelief and shock. “You... why didn't you tell me? Why?”

"Because I didn't want it to exist, our love."


~*~


Princess Odette: Will you love me, Derek? Until the day I die?
Prince Derek: No, Odette, much longer. Much longer.
Swan Princess


“What a waste of film and money” Jiyong sighed, flipping trough the photographs he had developed in the afternoon. He threw them on the kitchen counter and went to get a glass of water for himself. If you asked him why did he keep using film camera he'd say he liked it simple like that. With digital camera you always end up taking too many pointless photos, they pile up on your hard drive taking up too much space and then you forget about them all together. Once your hard drive dies you realize you never backed up those photos but strangely you don't even care because you have new photos to store and go trough.

For a few days the photographs remained untouched on the counter, letters and newspapers piling up on top of them. Once the ahjumma came around to clean she put everything into neat stacks. When she saw the photographs she gathered them together and started going trough them, marveling over them for quite a long time.

At some point Jiyong started going trough the unread letters, glaring at the bills and wondering why did he keep getting so many. He pushed the newspapers over the edge, having read them at work they were useless, he just had forgotten to cancel the order. Immediately he took his phone and called to the company asking them to stop sending him what he didn't need anymore. His eyes lit up when he saw a new National Geographic issue and The Photo magazine waiting for him patiently. He grabbed them, his eyes accidentally falling on the photos. Pouting his lips he thought about it for a while and decided to gather them together, taking them along after all.

With a sigh escaping his lips Jiyong lied on the sofa and pulled the freshly washed blanket over himself. A yawn escaped his lips and for a while he just lied there staring out from the window, his mind basically empty. Then he went trough The Photo magazine, tossed it aside and grabbed his photographs again. For a second he hesitated, should he read the National Geographic instead? In the end he settled on the photographs.

"Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime, and never let go till we're gone."
Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On


With a frown on his handsome but tired face, he carefully went trough them, once in a while trowing one or two on the floor. When did he even have time to take so many? Well, half of them were work related anyway and the other... Not satisfactory to him, except for a few. His eyes were already closing, tiredness and certain boredom pulling his eyelids lower. But suddenly his heart stiffened in his chest and he abruptly sat up, his eyes wide open again. He came face to face with Dara, her beautiful smile dazzling him. He even felt his cheeks flush with lovely warmth. The remaining photographs fell from his hands scattering on the floor, they were useless. Everything was useless.

“What am I going to do?”

"You are wrong Dara, you won't be able to crack me like a nut" Jiyong chuckled softly and suddenly coughed on the bitterness of his own words. "I'm harder than you think." he pat his tightening chest. The way she was looking at him made him feel suffocated, she was forcing the doors open and he couldn't stand it. It was driving him mad. Holding in and hiding his true feelings became a challenge only when she was around. Why did he have to drink so much? In this state he was so close to just...

"Why do you look so sad? I almost pity you"
His happy go lucky attitude was totally gone and he was afraid she'd find out why. No she can't, then he'd just die.
"Sad... Because I am sad."
Even his smile was ever so sad.
"Why?"
"Because it hurts" his face fell. "It hurts a lot, you know."
"What hurts?"
not being able to be with you, he wanted to say. "Many things" he mumbled. "Especially to know that... the moon is broken."
Dara rubbed her forehead and sighed, thinking. And he was always afraid when she was thinking. So afraid he almost started trembling. "So someone really broke your heart long ago, right?"
Jiyong's face fell. "You think so?" he looked like he was about to start crying.

She would never know the truth, that he was sad because he hated himself for breaking her heart, he was sad because he felt so guilty after putting her trough hell. And he was sad there was no way to turn back time and change things. Now, it would impossible for him to hold her and tell her how much he loves her. His guilt would never allow him to do so. After all, he had broken her moon and his own, it broke even more. Every time she tried to understand him, one little piece more fell down and disappeared into bottomless darkness. He didn't know how to love anymore.
 

"Is it because I got angry at you once? I said I was sorry."
"I'm not angry at you" Dara mumbled, wondering how far was he going to take this. "You are acting really weird now."
Jiyong turned around and was now lying on his stomach his cheek resting on the pillow. Only one look at her made him want to go crazy, grab her into his arms, kiss and hold like that forever. To be gentle and caring, to fix everything, all his former mistakes. But he was too guilty to do anything and that was making him desperate. By now she had started to understand, finding sneaky ways to read him right. "It's because" he closed his eyes, a troubled expression appearing on his face. His thoughts were getting interrupted by her iness.

"There is one thing that never goes like I want. It's not even that hard so why?"

"What are you talking about?"
"Nothing" he whispered "I'm sorry I'm acting weird. "He just wanted to get it all done and over with, to see Dara with Seung Hyun or Taeyang , finally together. But why was she slowly inching closer to him? Why was she always looking at him like that, like she truly cares? He was pushing her away but she kept coming even closer, breaking his plans and plots. Ripping it all apart layer by layer. On her way straight to his heart. And the most he was afraid of was to love her again because then it would hurt million times more. That stabbing guilt in his heart.
"Just let me sleep over it and I will be back to normal. Just stop trying to figure me out."
"I wasn't" Dara quickly denied. Obvious lies.
"Yes you were" He slightly opened his eyes and his gaze fixed on her. He thought she looked so beautiful and radiant, like an angel. No, like a fairy.
"It pisses me off a lot you know. I don't like people trying to figure me out." he said sternly. "Really, I mean it."

"Turns out there are a lot of things you don't like in this world..."

"And you keep doing them all" he uttered a laughter "Phabo."

You keep finding the pieces and placing them together.

And I don't like it.
 

She thought he was Seung Hyun and he could sigh in relief, it's a good thing she had gotten drunk. Now she wouldn't even be able to see him even if she wanted to. Jiyong held the necklace tightly in his palm. With her it would be safe and if she thought Seung Hyun had given it to her she would be really happy. They could finally get together. He hated the thought of her being with someone else but at least, his guilt would ease a little. Even if it meant the agony growing stronger. Anything would be better, anything but that torturing feeling of guilt.
"I'm sorry" Jiyong whispered. "I just wanted you to know that I love you and I am really sorry for acting like I do."
"I know, I know" she slurred in her sleep and smacked her lips, looking a little goofy. How adorable. "Aish, stop talking my head hurts" Dara slowly turned to her side.
"If only it was so easy" he whispered.
"But no matter what I say or do... It's just... Can't you love me just like that?" These words slipped his tongue abruptly and he quickly bit his lower lip, cursing himself in his mind. Confession. Love. He loved her so much he wanted to die. A longing sigh escaped from somewhere deep when Jiyong lost control and quickly climbed next to her, pulling her into a tight hug. Once her back pressed against his chest his heart started beating restlessly. What was he doing again? This was Seung Hyun's place not his, never his. But for the time being he just couldn't let go. "Because I can't get over you, not like this" he planted another kiss on her cheek. His voice trembled and he was on the verge of tears. "Never" his lips grazed her neck and she giggled softly, turning him on even more. And he wanted her so bad.

What have you done Dara? You have found the last piece of my broken love and put it in place. Now look at me. I am so utterly and helplessly in love with you, that I can't even control myself anymore. I want you so bad yet... you have no idea what awful things I have done, in my life in general and to you. Because even if you tried you wouldn't be able to wash all that guilt away in your lifetime. I will always love you but... I can't be with you because once you find out you will hate me, you will get even more hurt and seeing you broken like that it breaks me too. I refuse to ever hurt you again. I refuse. Therefore I can't... be with you. I can't... I... What am I going to do? I refuse to open up. I refuse. But still...


“What am I going to do ?”
“What am I going to do with you?”
"Really."
"I think... I think I'm losing control."

You are winning.

 

Seung Hyun sat on the leather sofa in his office his arms crossed tightly over his chest. He was deep in his thoughts his brows furrowed and his lips forming a straight line. Once in a while he'd shift in his seat a painful expression crossing his bruised face. There was a light blue bruise around his left eye and his cheek was patched up by Dara. She had been so angry yesterday when he and Daesung had come over bruised, bleeding and their clothes tattered, even ripped.

It had been such a dirty fight, much expected from Bae. He had finally made his pathetic move, causing a huge gang fight on a fairly busy street. Guess he wanted to be remembered forever, yesterday's happenings must be all over the news already. The worst, after that fight they got into another one... but a few hours later and with some useless drunkards. Talking about bad luck.

Jiyong was definitely getting yelled at by his chief after causing another scene at the market, ironically it was always the same place where the fights occurred. It's just that yesterday was Saturday and those days were always really busy so usually no fights would happen during the weekends, except yesterday, of course. You'd think the peddlers at the market hated Jiyong by now because he always destroyed their business in one way or another, but they actually didn't. Because the police was involved they'd always get compensated. Seung Hyun wouldn't even be surprised if they trashed some of the stuff themselves.

Gang fight at the market... They always make it look so cool in the movies but in real life. Imagine bunch of shabbily dressed guys bumping into each other and tripping over oranges and apples. Smashed fruits all over, posters and post cards of idols flying in the air, someone slapping you with a pair of ahjumma pants or trying to strangle you with a bra. In a fight everything becomes a weapon and the worst place to fight would be in front of a underwear stall. What you imagine are innocent can become your death one day, so be aware. Seung Hyun shuddered and suddenly gasped for he was forced to snap out from his thoughts with a startle. Jiyong had sneaked up on him without a sound again.

“Hyung” Jiyong plopped to sit on Seung Hyun's lap sideways, like a little kid.
“The hell?” Seung Hyun growled. “Get off.”
“Shiro” Jiyong pouted.
“What do you want?”
“Love...” Jiyong chuckled playfully.
“I'm busy.”
“No time for your only brother? How mean.”
Seung Hyun sighed, he squinted his eyes, giving Jiyong this suspicious look, then worry crossed his face. “Are you okay? Did you go to the hospital?”
“Nope, I'm just fine” Jiyong said indifferently as he leaned against Seung Hyun's chest. The position was a little uncomfortable since he was so tall, Seung Hyun used to be taller before. “I don't know, it seems like you have shrunk lately. You are getting old, hyung.”
“Get your hair outta my face” Seung Hyun growled, finally pushing Jiyong off from his lap and the latter fell on the floor with a thud. “Whoa” Seung Hyun took a deep breathe. “You don't look as heavy as you are.”
“So cruel” Jiyong pouted.
“Show me your arms” Seung Hyun demanded.
Still pouting, Jiyong got on his feet and plopped to sit next to Seung Hyun, slowly he rolled up his sleeves revealing his arms full of little cuts.

Yesterday Seung Hyun had got a fright seeing Jiyong all cut, someone had done a pretty god knife job over him. The knife had been pretty sharp too, cutting trough the clothes but somehow Jiyong had been avoiding any serious blows. The cuts were mostly slight but there were so many his clothes had been soaked in blood. The shirt he had worn could be probably used as a filter now. When asked about it Jiyong had looked over himself in surprise and then chuckled saying he didn't even notice anything.

He could be so careless sometimes, what if there was poison on the blade? Yeah, sounds far fetched but Bae is an old school gangster which means he would have the craziest ideas. Strange accidents had been happening lately, accidents that could end up with Jiyong paying a one way trip to the morge. Things weren't looking so good because Bom's mother too, had been silent for a suspiciously long while. The tension was building in the air and it was becoming unbearable.

After Sil Jang's death the gang had been falling apart, people did what they wanted. Many were after rumored money stash and the diamonds but no one or rare really knew where those were hidden. Seung Hyun glanced at the necklace dangling around Jiyong's neck his eyes turning into slits. If you paid a visit to the vaults of Bank of Korea with that necklace in your hand you'd end up dead on the first alley you stepped afterward, or if you keep avoiding alleys you should know that next time you fall asleep, it will be for the last time.

You should know, having that money will become the death of you so it was better just having it stored somewhere secure. As for the diamonds Seung Hyun had no idea, maybe they didn't even exist? You guessed right, the money is an obvious trap. No one at the bank would touch you but someone is surely watching over and making sure that money stays where it should, forever unused. Or?

“This is your money, you can be sure no one else gets it. That I can promise. Every single person who dares to walk out even with a bill, even with the smallest coin, will be taken care of.”
“What's the big deal?”
“You see, this is not my money either.”
“Is this a test, do you want to see if I accept it or not?”
“No. That money... Choi Tae Hoo earned it with a honest work. I will never let it get stained.”
“Choi Tae Hoo?”
Sil Jang pat Jiyong's shoulder and flashed him a loving smile. “The person you have become. Only that face will get you the money.”
“Aren't you afraid I'll misuse it?” Jiyong raised a brow.
“Misuse? With my son's pure and honest heart beating in your chest? I don't think so.”

Let's just say, the gangster world is complicated with it's many social layers, unspoken rules and bloody secrets. Sometimes you walk past a person on the street and you don't even know that person is actually part of the same world as you are but then again, you can get unexpected friends too. Sometimes people die not knowing what their mistake even was, sometimes people live even though they were sure they would be taken care of. As for Jiyong, he had some people backing him up, most of the members of Sil Jang's gang didn't care if he lived or not as long as he didn't touch them, his worst enemies always being Bae and Bom's mother. Sil Jang's name was long ago crossed from the enemy list.

Bae will always hate Jiyong, this you can be sure of, his grudge will never fade. Because Jiyong took his place, because Sil Jang always looked at Jiyong with that special light in his eyes, because Tae Hoo's death was Jiyong's fault, because in the end Jiyong betrayed Sil Jang, because Jiyong sided with Jjang, because Jiyong became a real cop, because Jiyong stood on Bom's mother's side and because of so many personal reasons. An old school gangster will always be old school, he will keep using public phones, dress in a black wrinkled suit and never forgive.

The fight hadn't been looking so good, once the cops arrived things started to get dirty, people died. As for a pleasant surprise some unexpected support had come from a very strange side. It was like a sudden ray of light in the misery. That black Mercedes Benz with darkened windows parking to the side of the road, just behind a freshly arrived old Toyota. Nothing bright about that shady darkness but hope can appear in so many disguises.

It was Lee In Pyo climbing out from that rusty Toyota, almost tripping over his feet, and from that shiny Mazda of the latest model came out a shot figure. In Pyo's face lit up like the sun itself and that short man dressed in white from head to toe smiled too, they shook hands and then turned to look at the fight.

That's when Seung Hyun had noticed them, the man in whites was lighting a cigarette and In Pyo was talking on his phone, a frown present on his face. The men exchanged worried glances but nevertheless smiled, as if knowing that everything will be all right. Though, this didn't make In Pyo look any less suspicious. How did he know someone so influential and powerful, the God himself? Someone who owned quite a handful of gangs around this area, a lot of land too. There weren't many people like him, I guess every successful and flourishing business has it's bad sides too.

Three vans zoomed at the scene, their tires screeching. As soon as they had stopped the doors slid open, bunch of guys walked out with baseball bats or wooden sticks and they did not look like they had come around to chat or bring peace, destruction was written all over their faces and they were ready to smash some skulls.

Seung Hyun grabbed Jiyong and pulled him out from the fight, dragging him towards In Pyo. Daesung appeared by their side soon too, wondering what was going on, his big eyes filling with surprise and confusion. But as soon as they noticed Jiyong's alarming condition they both started shaking him and asking whether he was feeling okay. His clothes were literally soaked in his own blood and even his face was bruised, slightly but still. Everyone knew how protective he was of his face. In Pyo had freaked out the most, asking “What did I do in my previous life to deserve this?” Who cares, anyway?

Bae was brought in front of the man in whites. Examining from the side, Seung Hyun was surprised to see this man was quite young, it was their first time seeing each other, even Jiyong hadn't seen him before. He was way out of anyone's league so Seung Hyun's squinted eyes landed on In Pyo, his mind filling with even greater suspicion.

“Bae, my boy” The ambassador of Lotte's dark side spoke with amused tone of voice. The very man who was responsible for maintaining a good image and decent relationship with the Japanese yakuza. This would have been a good chance to arrest him but he was way too influential, had too many people backing him up and had bribed basically everyone. Maybe even In Pyo? And besides he was clearly helping out at the moment.

*Lotte, a huge Korean- Japanese conglomerate (bunch of corporations), owns malls, hotels, amusement park etc. If you go to South-Korea or Japan you can see Lotte written in red letters on many products like food, clothes, electronics etc.

“If you want to get your hands on my people” Fallen angel spoke, his white clothes shining. He kicked Bae in the chest, the sole of his shoe leaving a dark mark behind. “Shouldn't you ask me first? You scum.” That was one hurtful scoff. “I advice you to not make a second mistake, that would be the last of you.” There was no room to object.

Another old school getting totally old schooled.


Bae didn't say anything, he just kept his face lowered, probably cursing Jiyong in his mind. Another reason to hate him. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn't understand how could some snotty brat get so much higher in the social ladder of the underworld so soon and have all these people backing him up. Even when he kept arresting so many, even after betraying everyone and even when everyone knew the truth: Jiyong, he never planed to become a gangster. He never was.

We are all just human beings. You see, the underworld is not a jungle, it is also a well conducted rationally functioning society. You don't even have to abide by the rules, you can go around as long as you befriend the right people. The cunning are the ones who survive, not the strongest but the smartest. Not the socially awkward ones but those who have the right attitude and charms, those who are not afraid to take risks and those who have nothing to lose. As you could often hear them say “Let the dogs kill each other, meanwhile let us enjoy the show.”






“I wish...”

“I wish I can live really long.”




Jiyong insisted he didn't need to go to the hospital while In Pyo insisted he should, meanwhile Seung Hyun gave Daesung his wallet asking him to go get some clean clothes. Jiyong couldn't walk around looking like a living dead, no taxi would take him in. In the end he just took off his shirt and threw it on the ground, asking if anyone had any tissues. As soon as his tanned skin came in view everyone saw that his wounds weren't bleeding anymore, they were just slight scratches but there were so many. “I wish I had some salt on me now” In Pyo had uttered a laughter.

Suddenly the Lotte angel took off his white blazer and handed it to Jiyong with a smile on his face. Jiyong couldn't accept such generosity and was pretty stunned by the offer. His jaw dropped and he just kept staring at the man while Seung Hyun declined politely, having more sophisticated high class character. “We couldn't possibly-”
“It's okay” Lotte man smirked. “Just take it already.” He pushed the blazer into Jiyong's hands. “In Pyo's friends are mine too, as long as you leave my boys out of your lawful business. If you know what I mean.”
“Ah yes” Seung Hyun chuckled. “Thank you very much.”

Jiyong remained frozen like a statue, still staring at the blazer like it was the eight wonder of the world and Seung Hyun had to slap his wounded back to make him bow as Lotte angel made his theatrical exit out of the scene. They all bowed to his car as it leisurely rolled away, driven by a man in an uniform and white gloves. Some people have it all.

“So, I am working with a bribed prosecutor?” Jiyong shifted his eyes at In Pyo as soon as Lotte angel was gone. In Pyo just shrugged, wondering would he ever be thanked by anyone for doing good.
“How much did he pay you?” Seung Hyun asked, his eyes squinting again, so full of suspicion.
“Would you stop looking at me like that!”
“Like what?” Seung Hyun asked, taken a back by the request.
“Like this” In Pyo squinted his eyes giving Seung Hyun a suspicious look.
“Oh” Jiyong's gaze darted between them. “I never noticed before but you guys somehow look alike, with that eye thing.”
“Whatever” Seung Hyun said indifferently and looked away from In Pyo. “What secrets did you leak?”
“Excuse me?” In Pyo scoffed, sounding offended.
“Just tell us now before it's too late.”
“Outrageous, besides who are you to suspect me?”
“So did you or not?” Jiyong injected. “After all, to have such friends... No wonder some of my arrest warrants disappeared.”
“What are your connections?”
“Are you working for him?”
“You two” In Pyo straightened his collars. “Look at my car, do I look like I am rich?”
Jiyong and Seung Hyun turned to look at the old Toyota, if they hadn't seen it move before they wouldn't believe it still worked.
“Your clothes don't look bad” Seung Hyun pointed out.
“Well, do you see any brand names? These are just your average cheap clothes.”
Jiyong suddenly sighed. “My favorite Armani cardigan...” he looked longingly at his bloody and ripped shirt. “Goodbye...”
In Pyo flinched. “You should be happy you are still alive.”
“Looks like you are good at pretending...” Seung Hyun mumbled.
In Pyo ran his fingers trough his hair. “I met him in the college and we became good friends, who knew we'd end up on different sides of the law.”
“Team leader, hyung...” Jiyong cleared his throat. “It's kinda getting cold.”
“Where is that imma?”
As a cue to reappear Daesung popped out of nowhere with a shirt in his hands, he quickly gave it to Jiyong, his eyes widening when he saw the white blazer.
“Is that what I think it is?”
“You can have it, it's too small for me” Jiyong handed it to Daesung, exchanging it for the shirt he had brought. “And what's this anyway? Why would you buy some old man's shirt? Aaah, trying to make your cool hyung look stupid for once” Seung Hyun smirked with mischief. “Naughty.”
Daesung gave him a dull look, not being in the mood to joke. “I was just trying to get something fast, that's all.”
“By the way what happened to the fight?”

They all turned to look at now quieted scene behind themselves, there was an ambulance, nurses tending to the wounded and three police cars, officers running around trying to figure what had happened. Suddenly In Pyo's and Jiyong's phone's rang at the same time and they both just stared at the screens hesitating to pick up, then they exchanged meaningful glances.

“How can he call to both of us at the same time?” Jiyong asked a little dubiously.
“Do you think he will come here?”
“Probably on his way already.”
“And he is going to create a scene?”
“Most definitely.”
“Aish, I am not in the mood for this.” In Pyo groaned. “Soo Hyuk is a good friend but he can get naggy.”
“Yeah, how can he not understand that this kind of mission is bond to bring certain destruction.”
“Exactly!”

“What are they talking about?” Daesung glanced at Seung Hyun who shrugged.
“Hey! Let's go to a jimjilbang [public sauna]!” Jiyong suddenly announced.
“Are you out of your mind?” Seung Hyun raised a brow.
“A body scrub sounds good though” Daesung rubbed his chin.
“Who's gonna rub your body?” Seung Hyun flinched.
“You?”
“I'm going home.”
“I'll give you a ride, get in boys.”
Seung Hyun squinted his eyes at In Pyo who also squinted his eyes as soon as their gazes met, for one or two minutes they just glared at each other like two Cowboys ready to face off.
“I don't trust this man...”
“Come on hyung, get in” Daesung urged.
“Yeah, it's getting cold” Jiyong complained.


Moments later...


“Wait, this is not the way home!” Seung Hyun pressed his face to the window. “Where do you think you are taking me?”
“Jimjilbang” came an answer from three mouths at the same time.
“I said I don't want to go!” Seung Hyun kicked the drivers seat from behind. “Take me home, old geezer.”
“This is not how you speak to your elders.”
“Um, team leader, could you please drive a bit slower?”
“Why? I'm only driving 90km/h”
“On a 50km/h area” Daesung pointed out.
“Well, I can always say it was an emergency, the advantages of being a prosecutor.”
“You dirty scheming cop” Seung Hyun muttered under his breathe.
“Hey, don't blame me. My life is not easy either and besides cop and prosecutor are not the same” In Pyo sounded a bit offended.
“Looking at you, I don't really see the difference.”
“Young man!”
“Um, ahjussi, hyung is really scared of speed so... he might throw up.”
“Not in my car!” In Pyo shrieked in shock and stepped on the brake, causing Seung Hyun to slam against the back of his seat.
“YAH!”
“That's why I told you to use the seat belt, this was a good lesson.”

Seung Hyun's cheek twitched, he leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest, sulking for the rest of the ride. He was really starting to hate this arrogant man. So what, if he was older? That didn't make him necessarily smarter! It's not like he was his father! Oh, the irony of it all...

In the end Seung Hyun was dragged to the jimjilbang with everyone and In Pyo kept teasing him after seeing how much he enjoyed soaking in the pool. Daesung got his body scrub and Jiyong his wounds treated, he kept looking at Daesung with envy in his eyes also wanting a body scrub. How ironic he was the one scrubbing Daesung's back. At least he could have one of those white facial masks. Curious In Pyo also wanted to try one, he said this reminded him of one of his American girlfriends who always asked him to bring these masks from Korea. Hearing this Seung Hyun had rolled his eyes saying something sarcastic about In Pyo's boasting. In Pyo in his turn said at least he had girlfriends, Seung Hyun looked like he only had boyfriends. Daesung warned him not to go any further if he didn't want to witness anything violent. In Pyo just smirked, grabbed an egg and cracked it on Seung Hyun's forehead.

“Ahjussi... I warned you.” Daesung uttered a laughter when Seung Hyun jumped at In Pyo slamming him to the floor.
“Hey you don't know who you are fighting. I once won a wrestling competition” In Pyo laughed.
“Yeah? And I won the fcking championship.”
After that Seung Hyun found himself lying on his stomach, his cheek pressed to the warm surface of the floor and his hand was being bent against his back, moreover In Pyo's sharp knee was poking him uncomfortably. “Aaah” he whined.
“A championship you say?”
“Fine, I give up” Seung Hyun groaned and gasped for air when released, he rolled to the side, grabbed his pillow and suddenly felt something soft against his lips. “What the hell man?” His eyes widened.
“Eat it, you look like you need some egg in you” In Pyo smiled, almost forcing the egg into Seung Hyun's mouth. “Leave me alone!” the latter shrieked and turned his back at In Pyo. “Weirdo.” He mumbled as he munched on the egg.

Meanwhile Jiyong was staring absentmindedly in front of himself, one knee against his chest and his head resting against it, the other leg was spread forward. His left hand was playing with the hem of his shirt, he wrapped his index finger into the fabric, released and wrapped again. He looked like an innocent angel with that longing, dreamy look in his eyes.

“Oh, nuna has been watching this drama lately” Daesung plopped to sit next to Jiyong, they happened to sit near buy a huge plasma TV, every jimjilbang has one nowadays. “Want an egg?” Jiyong accepted the