Just like my apartment before, my room at the orphanage had turned into a hostel too. Not that it was literally my room but that's where I always slept. I thought nuns would never let girls and boys sleep in the same room...    And because Daesung and Jiyong were arranged to sleep there too a bunch of other kids followed in, along Jung Woo and his pose. It was mostly little girls who wanted to spend every second in Daesung's presence. He is lucky to be the first love of so many girls. What a heart breaker!   "Loser, you are so stupid and helpless I better sleep next to you" Jung Woo placed his mattress next to mine.    He glared at Seung Hyun who had just entered the room with a book in his hand    "And the nazi wolf sleeps on the other side of the room, as far away from you as possible."   "Say what you say" Seung Hyun smirked. "But I always have the advantage of being older, she doesn't need to wait for me to grow up" he teased.   Jung Woo bit his lips tightly together and his face turned red from annoyance.    "At least I am not a nazi wolf" he mumbled under his breathe.   “Girls like cool guys, not losers” Seung Hyun laughed.   “Yah! I am not!” Jung Woo frowned.   “Yeah...” Seung Hyun nodded, sounding somewhat sarcastic.   “I'm not playing with you” Jung Woo sulked.   "Good, I like to spend my time in peace."   Jung Woo stuck his tongue at Seung Hyun and turned away from him, defeated.   "So hyung, how about you tell a scary story? Would it be better than ahjussi's?"    Chubby poked Jiyong who was lying on his stomach his head buried in the pillow, probably half asleep already. It bothered me a little how he wasn't wearing any top but he probably knew the little girls were too little to understand things like that.   "A scary story..." Jiyong mumbled in the pillow.   "I know a good one" Daesung exclaimed with excitement.   "Is it really scary?" One of the girls cupped her cheeks, looking scared.   "If it's too scary can I sit on your lap?"   "Can I hold your hand?"   "Then can I hold your other hand?"   "Will you save me from the monsters?"   "I'm scared already."   "Oppa, I want to sit closer."   "Do the princess and prince fall in love at the end?"   Daesung eyed the little girls a little sourly, his sunshine smile stiffening.    "Uh... sure..." he mumbled as he lied down and pulled the comforter over his shoulders, probably wishing he could fall asleep faster. The little girls kept climbing over him, giggling and sitting on top of him.   "So, what's the story?" China boy sat up on his bed, looking excited and all ready for blood hurling horror. I bit my lower lip wondering if I would be able to fall asleep at all today. I sure hope the story won't be too scary.   "Today" Seung Hyun suddenly announced. "Is a fairy tale evening."    He threw the book on my lap. I looked up at him and he flashed me a quick smile as he ped his hoodie while turning away. He took it off and threw carelessly in the corner, on the top his stuff, that was just lying there in a big lump.   "Fairy tales?" Jung Woo wrinkled his nose.   "Have you ever heard of The Little Mermaid?"   "What's a mermaid."   "It's like a fish and a man."   "Like a fish head and human legs?"   "Dude, that's weird."   Chubby looked confused, China boy wrinkled his nose and Jung Woo burst out in a hearty laughter.   "Mermaid is not a man!" The girls yelled.   "She is a princess."   "Ugly princess!" The boy's teased.   "No! It's a beautiful love story."   "Yuck, that's girl's stuff."   "We don't do girl's stuff."   "It's booring."   "Yeah!"   "But I like the little mermaid story."   "We want to hear it!" the girls chirped.   "Shut up, we are going to tell scary stories" China boy glared at the girls but they just stuck their tongues at him.   "Ahjussi says it's a fairy tale evening so it is" Chubby announced.   The rest couldn't but agree because whatever Seung Hyun said had somehow become a strict rule that needed to be followed no matter what. It was kind funny though, how the kids called him ahjussi when Jiyong and Daesung were oppa/hyung. That made him seem somehow more superior to others, like he was above us. It kind of annoyed me...   Before opening the book I glanced at him lie on his mattress, on the other side of the room. All the kids were between us just like space and time were, never letting us be together yet teasing with short sweet moments.    Just one heartbeat, one falling star and the end, darkness. Daesung was lying beside him on his own mattress, facing the wall as if hiding from the girls behind Seung Hyun's back. Jiyong was sleeping right next to Jung Woo because the boy insisted on sleeping between us. Like we were some happy little family.    I think Jiyong actually was asleep already, his body sprawled over the mattress, the comforter falling off him exposing his muscles. My calm heart didn't beat as fast anymore when I looked at his half body. I felt something distant but even though Jiyong was so close he seemed to be so far away when Seung Hyun, despite being on the other side of the room, seemed to be just there, next to me.    Would it be possible to fight time and space?     So I am officially going crazy. For real.     I secretly felt so thankful I wanted to cry. No matter if it wasn't true, I just wanted to believe Seung Hyun wanted me to read the fairy tale because he knew I would be too scared of the scary story without him by my side. And since Jiyong was there, how could he let me rest my head on his lap and play with my hair? I finally realized what was between us.   Everything and then again... nothing.   Soo Yeon, Bom, Jiyong... it's as if Seung Hyun was trying to take in account all of their feelings and needs. But what about me? I wonder if he really cared about what I was feeling? Even though part of me was saying it is evident, so clear, that he cares for me for who I am, the other part was asking me not to be stupid and urged me to open my eyes.    I was on my way towards an extremely painful and grotesque ending and I knew it, every fiber in my body could feel it. If I keep looking at Seung Hyun I will end up with absolutely nothing. Because, even though sometimes he slips and lets me feel so damn loved, he makes it pretty clear that...   Just one innocent kiss. It means nothing.   It all was like a dark secret, us holding hands, kissing, hugging and even sharing the bed. A secret we couldn't speak about, something we couldn't do when we weren't alone. Me playing with his hair and him smiling at me with such adoration it made my heart flutter with joy. It all could have been even a facade.    It was just in my head, not anything real, like a simple fairy tale that would never come true no matter how I wanted it to be real. For some reason this evening I felt such strong despair.   Him loving me.   That just isn't real.   He says he would die for me.   Tsh, he is just a big fat liar.   As I kept reading on about The Little Mermaid, every word in the story, every sentence, every hidden hint, it all reminded me of Seung Hyun. I couldn't even imagine how painful it was to hold a broken moon in your hands knowing it might be impossible to fix. His and Soo Yeon's love must have been something as pure and innocent as first snow, just to be trampled over with dirt and mud later, it's something inevitable.    I wanted to know his true feelings, I wanted to feel his real presence, I wanted to know him inside out and understand him. But even when I was quite clear that the Seung Hyun I saw during a few last days was the real one, I still had my doubts. I could never be too sure just because. And this made me angry, made want to push him away,out of my life. Like this, my thoughts were a mess, hot and cold, wet and dry, love and hate, all together.    Just because something about everything is awfully off.   And I am scared of getting hurt.   Because this time, it would probably scar me for life.   Just because I couldn't bear to kill the little mermaid I stopped reading at some point and made up my own ending, like despicable Disney. I let her live because no matter what I still think the ending . She deserves better, she deserves to live on and marry the prince, she deserves to be loved.    What's the point with all that suffering to end up with nothing?     I was so stupid to not see the point, such a self evident point.                I stirred in my sleep when a light gust of air hit my face and momentarily I felt movement beside myself. Thinking it was morning already I slightly opened my eyes but it was still pitch black. The shuffling nose continued and it was faint like a little flower bending in a slight wind. I didn't move, I didn't even raise my head so Jiyong didn't notice I was awake.    He had just covered Jung Woo with the comforter which the little guy had kicked off of himself. My eyes followed Jiyong's back as he stepped over all the sleeping kids, careful not to make any noise.    Another dark figure was already waiting for him at the door his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes glinting in the dark. No doubt it was Seung Hyun, If it was him moving, I wouldn't have heard a thing.    After they left I immediately sat up my gaze darting at Seung Hyun's empty bed and I just knew it, they were going to talk about something private. And it's not like I would willingly give up on snooping around and stay out of it. So I quickly got up and followed them.   The hallways were dark, quiet and eerie. Gray shadows of the trees played on the walls as pale moonlight seeped in through wide windows. The silence made the little hairs on my neck stand up and shadows kept moving on their own like huge ghost. From wall to wall, from ceiling to floor, all around me as if trying to drive me in a corner. There was no trace of Seung Hyun and Jiyong but I had a hunch where they could be. The church.   In the past I would often find Jiyong sitting there in all silence, leaning his forehead against the backrest of the previous bench, his gaze lowered to the floor. It would be easy to mistake he was praying when in fact, he was just sleeping. Hiding from the hot sun, mean bullies like me, loud screams and occasional chores someone would give him. He was so small and vulnerable but his sighs were the heaviest ever.    The church was a place where people should be left alone and given all the privacy they wanted. That that rule was banged into my little thick skull so hard I wouldn't dare to bother Jiyong. Sometimes I would go sit next to him and ask why he was acting all sad and miserable all of a sudden, my words laced with sarcasm and mockery.    I just couldn't understand how could a boy be so disgustingly weak and pale, sitting by himself bothered by dark heavy thoughts, when he should be running around with his friends, scream, laugh and let sun leave a healthy tan on his skin. He was acting like a weak princess waiting to be saved from the cruelty of the world. But who can save a prince when the prince is supposed to be a hero of the story?     "I miss appa."     I can still remember his quiet wavering voice and the look in his eyes. I couldn't tell if he loved or hated his father but I could tell he missed him more than anything in whole round world. He always made me feel bad about actually forgetting about my mother and not feeling sad anymore. For me she was somewhat equal to dead, I didn't believe I'd meet her ever again anywhere.    But seeing how sad Jiyong was, made me miss my mother's quiet humming and gentle touch. Even her clumsy burnt cooking that my dad always praised saying it was the best he had ever eaten. This brings me to wonder what did he even see in a woman like her who didn't seem to love him back even though she sprout it from carelessly every day. She didn't even know how to do the house chores or take care of me. I wish I asked him why did he love her, I wish I did.   "I love you" No one else could make it sound so bland.   Sometimes I wondered if they were together only because my dad had accidentally knocked up my mother and they had no other opinions but to stay together. Sometimes I even suspected I wasn't really my mother's daughter, at all. As time passed, I stopped caring.    Those were the only moments when Jiyong actually made me cry. Not because he was mean to me but because his sullen mood was so contagious. He made me miss my mother and when I realized how much my little trembling heart yearned to see her again, I couldn't but cry. And he didn't even comfort me, to be precise, he totally ignored my tears. Bastar.d at the young age already. If I hugged him he wouldn't shake me off though, he let me lean on himself but it was rare of me to throw myself at him because it felt awkward.   Jiyong never bothered to make any friends at the orphanage. When he wasn't sitting in the church deep in his thoughts, he'd just follow me around and I didn't mind because he rarely said anything. I would prank him all I wanted, sometimes I'd make him cry and sometimes he just ignored everything, remaining all blank and indifferent to the point I started suspecting he was a ghost.   Now that I think about it, he used to be such a bitter little boy. It's not that he never smiled, he did. When someone talked to him he'd always smile and talk back to them. He wasn't exactly the quiet type, it's just that he never approached anyone on his own. I don't know why. His eyes seemed to always be on me as if he was scared I'd disappear from the world if he looked away for a second. Me? I rarely paid any attention to him because he was boring in my opinion.   Whatever he said to me was so antic, so strangely wicked as if some kind of deep hatred was swelling in his chest. He was out to ruin my dreams and happiness, making everything sound so negative and meaningless. As if he was bored to death with happy endings and love, as if it all meant nothing to him. But then again, when he grew older he changed into a fluffy, pink and lovely teddy bear at some point. Not that it was noticeable on the outside, but knowing him so well I also knew he had grown up to be a soft guy behind his iron mask. Maybe he found out the meaning of love or something.   There was this time I thought he was a demon and tried to kill him by reading prayers and throwing holy water (that I stole) on him. Obviously, he didn't die and I got punished but I am still suspecting there is a demon inside of him. In a way I also think spending time with me really changed him because when we just met he was a lot brighter. Maybe I put that demon inside of him?   Anyway, it was kind of weird how he always let me do anything to him. When it hurt psychically or mentally, he'd cry and if not, he'd just act stupid as if he didn't realize he was being bullied. Masochist... In some sort of way he might have respected me but then again, if we ever debated about anything he'd always crush me like I was nothing, without mercy. He was such a smart kid...   As expected, Jiyong and Seung Hyun did go the church and I saw them sitting side by side in the very front row, just like in some mafia movie. To be extra careful I sneaked in through the back door and when moving I made sure not to let out a sound. It was a good idea to forget those soft fluffy slippers on my feet.    Settling behind the thick and heavy curtain that separated sacristy from the prayer hall, I held my breathe and perked my ears. Their soft and low voices could be heard well enough, eeunng from the walls no matter how quietly they tried to talk.   "And what did he say about Sil Jang?" I heard Jiyong ask.   "I didn't have much time to talk with him but he promised we could meet up tomorrow. Yesterday was a little busy for him and besides Dara was there."    My heart froze when my name was mentioned.   "Why would you take her? It's not like you to get unnecessary people involved."   "Why not? At least she isn't suspecting anything, besides it's not like hanging there is dangerous or anything. Isn't it a good alibi?"   "I see...“ Jiyong grew quiet for a while. I heard him sigh. “So this was it, huh? We finally catch Sil Jang and get ourselves out from the mess?"   "Don't be so sure. Who knows what might happen?"   "Aish, don't worry. It will be fine! By the way, how long will the old man stay at the farm? Has he actually decided to stay around forever?" Jiyong chuckled cheerfully.   "You know how Bom's mother is" Seung Hyun answered indifferently. "I wouldn't like to get on her bad side. Besides, it's not like he can't control his business from here. Why do you think he has a tea plantation? Who would suspect?"   "Why not just a-"   "I don't want to get involved with the family more than necessary, I mean in that sense. I dare you to snitch" Seung Hyun's words laced with sarcasm.   "Tsh, it's not like I have a death wish. Instead I wish this all was over already. I am sick of playing hide and seek, cops and robbers, cat and mouse, whatever you call it" Jiyong yawned as if emphasizing how tired he was of it all.    "Just a little bit more."   "I still have a bad feeling."   "Yeah, anything could go wrong." I heard Seung Hyun smile and I imagined it to be bittersweet. ”That's a proven fact.”   "That time, you never expected huh?"    Jiyong smiled too and a short silence fell between them. I inhaled sharply, feeling that they were talking about something unbelievably scary. The tones of their voices deepened while the words they spoke were so heavy they fell on the floor instead of fading away. Words that couldn't be forgotten simply because, it's something that will haunt you forever.    "About that time... I am sorry about everything" Seung Hyun breathed out. "I should have called you or anyone, I shouldn't have gone in alone."   "Why be sorry now? It's not like it was your fault in the first place. It's me who asked for your help."   "Aish, I hate this. I wish I could just... I don't know" Seung Hyun groaned as if he was in great pain. "If not me being stupid then everything would be different now."   "Yah, stop talking about it. I don't care anymore. And you know I was never angry in the first place. I am just pissed off at Bom for being such a bit.ch and treating you like that and I will always be. Unlike you I am not a person who can forgive such dirty tricks."   "You know she couldn't help it. Sometimes I don't get you. The one you should hate is Sil Jang not her. All of those things have helped us a lot, what she did it was hard for her too, very hard."   “Yeah, making you do the job must have been very hard for her...”   “You don't know, you weren't there.”   “And I wonder why” Jiyong's voice was ironic but it almost sounded desperate.   “You know I don't have anything else to say about this matter.”   "Hyung I am thankful and all for you saving my life. Really, what you pulled back then... I would have died on the spot if it was me. I am serious. But how could you let her do something like that to yourself? Yes, Sil Jang was the one who never did anything to save her from the kidnappers but even after you saved her, how could you... If not that then..."   "Shut up, I don't want to think about it. Besides, it's not me who decided on everything."   "Just because she begged you, just because she cried all miserable and heartbroken. How could you?    I am not blaming you now I am just wondering. Why? Why would you do something so despicable?"   "Shut up" Seung Hyun grunted. "The most important thing is we are all alive. If not me getting there on time she would be dead by now and I know even you didn't want that."   “Do you really think so? Do you really think that living like this is better than dying?”   Seung Hyun stayed quiet for a long while and I could guess his answer. No, it probably would have been better to die and end everything when he got the chance. But something made him survive. Stubbornly, with brainless deterBomtion and foolish hope. However, his surprising answer took me aback and magically healed my heart that was about to break apart.       “I think... I think even if I could turn back time I wouldn't change a thing. This way everything is much better.”       Jiyong scoffed. "Was it really worth it? Your bloody body will always haunt me in nightmares, you looked dead, simply dead. So freaking sick."   "I think I died for a few seconds. Do you want to hear how it feels like when a broken rib pierces your heart and it makes you cry blood because of some wicked internal bleeding?" Seung Hyun joked freely without any shades of extreme darkness in his voice.    "I guess I was extremely lucky. People usually die from that. It's impossible to survive so what the heck, man? How did I pull that out?"   I covered my mouth with my both hands to hide the gasp that was about to escape my lips. So that's why he got a heart transplant. And now he was merely joking about everything. I felt lump in my throat. How much more was he willing to give in this battle? Was catching Sil Jang really worth everything? Was he doing this for Bom? But what about Soo Yeo