I'm back. Sorry for the late.

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December 24 has always been a very happy day for Sooyoung. Even if she had to work in the day, she knew she would reunited with her family in the night and celebrate the birth of Jesus with too much food and great joy after returning from the church she frequents. But December 24th of this year was different.  She felt everything, less happiness. And not feeling happy after surviving an attack brought her even more guilt. How I’m not grateful for surviving such a serious attack? Would I rather be dead than have to go through all this? How me, a devout Christian would rather die? Is even my faith being put to the test?

She was so disturbed by everything was about to happen that she didn’t even remember she will go to church today after the TV show. Which caused a small conflict with her parents, who were upset because she forgot about it and then started a new fight – the other fight happens because she didn’t want them to join her on the show today and of course they thought otherwise. Sooyoung even used the same strategy used with the girls and Stella, where she was arrogant and ungrateful, but her parents ignored all this and accompanying her to the studio.

This fight not only delayed her arrival, but also made her take the last two anxiety pills she had left. If every scene had already left her a thousand times anxious, knows she don’t have anymore pills made her even more anxious.

When she came to the studio site she was received with questions about her delay and absence on the red carpet – after the argument with her parents, Sooyoung didn’t have the mood to face the red carpet and didn’t even want to imagine the consequences of this absence. Lee Sooman had made it clear he wanted her on the red carpet and the clothes she wore were from a very important brand and a new partner of SM.

Every minute at that day she added a new problem to her list, which was already extensive: Her uality and her relationship with Siwon;  the engagement;  the TV Show today; her relationship with the girls and family; her anxiety and the constant pain in stomach; the terrorist - the cause of almost all that. Be wrapped around the fingers of this monster is killing her slowly.

Before the terrorist attack my uality was my biggest problem and among all, it seems the least bothering me. But what do I really feel about Stella and Jessica? Why can’t I stop thinking about Stella's kisses? Why do Jessica's words affect me so much?

Vomiting once a day was routine, but when she thinks about it all her problems she can’t help herself and for the fourth time that day she throw up. There is nothing left in her stomach, but the nausea is permanent.

She still has 2 hours to go on stage and be asked to be marry by the person who, today, would be her last choice to marry.

Choice. A luxury Sooyoung don’t have in a long time. You may even say she had a choice, but the terms are not fair. Choose between the right one that can kill people or the wrong one that seems to be the safest? How to choose if there is only one choice?

In those nearly two weeks she had more discussion with her parents and friends than in her entire life and all because of the fear of failing, of them stopping her from doing what she had to do to save lives. The extreme anxiety, the nightmares, the stomach ache, the sadness, she attributed all that to the terrorist.

Something positive she saw in this whole madness was the feeling that she had no trauma from the event. At least it's what she believed. Her family and friends are afraid she'll face a crowd for the first time after the attack, but she’s not afraid of that. Maybe I wasn’t traumatized. She thought. Initially I thought I would have problems with that, but now I realize all my nervousness is due to the terrorist. I am not afraid of the crowd, I’m afraid something will go wrong and the terrorist will do something to get revenge. What if he shows up here tod