An Arranged Marriage
Review Requested By: eudoramp
Reviewer: HeadToToesLove
Review Requested: August 5th, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: August 9th, 2015
**Please remember to credit us in you foreword with the banner on the right and comment to let us know you've picked up**

Title (6/10)
It’s very generic, and pretty straight forward. The story is about an arranged marriage, so it’s relevant. It lacks a little sparkle and creativity, some of which you did make up for with the quote on the poster, so it made it stand out more, but it's not original at all.

Foreword (13/15)
Your foreword layout is really nice. Simple and not overly cluttered. I found a few grammatical mistakes in the description and prologue, and I’ve pointed out a couple below, but all in all, your foreword was just about perfect.

Examples:

What You Wrote:

Is the perfect life he lived before is really perfect after all?

Edited:

Is the perfect life he lived before really perfect after all?
(The second ‘is’ is redundant, and makes it sound awkward).

What You Wrote:

"Kwon Jiyong!" A woman-with short hair and skinny figure- walked inside Kwon Jiyong's workplace with burning rage.

Edited:

“Kwon Jiyong!” A woman with short hair and a skinny figure walked inside Kwon Jiyong’s workplace with burning rage.
(You don’t need to add a hyphen ‘-’ when writing a description of someone or something).

Others:

‘pitty’ ---> ‘pity

‘vission’ ---> ‘vision’

‘blured’ ---> ‘blurred’

And, I would also like to point out, proper nouns should be capitalized. A name is a proper noun, and a few times you had Kiko’s name lowercased. You switched between tenses in the prologue as well, so be on the look out for that, too.

Just a note:
‘Has’ is present tense
‘have’ is past tense.

Ex. “This must has been my father plan, and…”
---> “This must have been my father’s plan, and…”

‘had’ is past tense.
‘doesn’t’ is present tense.
‘didn’t’ is past tense.
‘she’s’ is present tense (‘is’ is present tense, and ‘she’s’ is a contraction for ‘she is’)
‘was’ is past tense.

Ex. Kiko has calmed down a little bit, but that doesn’t mean she’s not mad at Jiyong.
---> Kiko had calmed down a little bit, but that didn’t mean she was not mad at Jiyong.

‘were’ is past tense. (‘were’ is correct instead of ‘was’ in the sentence below)

Ex. Jiyong explained with a voice as gentle as if he was talking to a kid.
---> Jiyong explained with a voice as gentle is if he were talking to a kid.

‘can’t’ is present tense
‘couldn’t’ is past tense.

Ex. He can’t believe that his father had made a decision without discussing it with him beforehand.
---> He couldn’t believe that his father had made a decision without discussing it with him beforehand.

And, adding ‘-ed’ to the end of verbs makes them past tense, just like adding ‘-ing’ makes them present tense (usually). And, the past tense of ‘feel’ is ‘felt’.

Characters (15/20)
There isn't much that I can say about your characters so far, given that there are only two chapters and still tons of room for development. And, not all of the important characters have been introduced.
Jiyong acts kind of childish for a man his age, complaining about his father telling him what to do. He seems like a good guy, though. In some ways he's relatable.
Kiko is really annoying, in all honesty, and I don’t like her. She’s the cliche ex-lover, and there’s nothing new or exciting about her.
Seungri hasn’t made an official appearance, and there’s so much mystery behind him as of right now.

Narrative Elements (17/30)
The mistakes you had were the same as in the prologue, so I won’t point any out from the first two chapters. And, they weren’t detrimental to the story.
AFF is a community where people from all over the world (including non-native English speakers) can write stories and expanded their skills. And, the mistakes you made are hardly even negative to the story as a whole. So, it’s nothing to worry too much about, as far as readers are concerned. But, if you’d like to improve upon it, maybe hire a beta reader for your story, and see what notes the make that you can pick up on and work toward improving. But, you’re doing a good job so far. The more you write, the more you’ll learn.
Just a little tip on spacing: you could probably spread out your writing more, and have more paragraphs rather than having so much information clustered into a single paragraph. If you want a specific example of what I mean, feel free to ask me.

Plot & Theme (20/35)
To be honest, your plot is cliche, and there are quite a few arranged marriage stories on AFF were the main already has a (less-than-agreeable) lover, that they love so much at first, but fall out of love quickly when they meet the person they’re supposed to marry. You should throw in some plot twists here and there to spice the story up a little, and make it more unique and original.

Entertainment Factors (7/10)
Like I said, it only has two chapters, so to be able to see the future as far as entertainment and reader enjoyment is concerned, well it’s not easy. So far, it’s not too bad. Give it the little sparkle it needs and it can be an excellent read in the future.

Overall Score (78/120)

Reviewer's Song Choice: