I'll Be Your Sun
Review Requested By: ELynJ_Hopie
Reviewer: HeadToToesLove
Review Requested: July 19th, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: July 22nd, 2015
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Note from reviewer: Sorry if this comes off as harsh or rude in anyway. I didn't mean any of this in a mean way. I'm only hoping to give helpful advice. And sorry for typos, I typed this up pretty fast >.<

Title (6/10)
The title, for a BTS centric fic, is mostly original. It's relevant enough to the story as well, but at the same time, it's still rather cliche. I think maybe spicing it up a little, and giving the story a title with a deeper meaning other than "I'm here to make you feel better" would be a good idea.

Foreword (11/15)
The text and pictures are too small, which makes it a slight pain to read.
And, there wasn’t enough to really draw me in, as far as your description is concerned. Only two small excerpts/quotes.
If you use an excerpt or quote, use something more gripping that’ll hook the readers. Something more dramatic, or that relates to story as a whole. The first one is really good, in fact it could work all on its own. The second one didn’t really seem important, since all it was, was Jimin saying something about ‘cooking’ and I just don’t get it. And, even after I read the chapter that it was taken from (despite it talking about the knife and trauma from the murder), it still didn't seem important to the story as a whole. I think using the first quote you have, making the test (only slightly, not too much) bigger, and making the pictures look nicer, your foreword could be perfect.

Characters (15/20)
I liked your characters well enough. Jimin is really sweet it seems, and Haerin... there isn't much to say about her. You don't really learn much about her... or any of the characters in the story. I think you should work on character development, and reveal bit by bit little pieces of their actual personalities.
And, your character introductions are too sudden and rushed as well.
Coming right out and saying "This is Yoongi, he's the son of Suho, who is also your teacher, and your dad and his dad used to be best friends in a group called Exo" isn't really the most appealing way. You could just first off have Yoongi introduce himself like "Ayo, wassup? I'm Yoongi, bruh. Sweg."
... Okay, sorry. Not exactly like that (I was only kidding about the whole swag thing, got carried away, but more like) "Hey, I'm Yoongi. It's good to meet you." And then reveal later on in the story, through other events that happen, that Suho is his father. And, that will make it seem less rushed.

P.S. I ship V-Hope and YoonMin so hard, it's not even funny. When you introduced V and went like "this is my forever best friend, Hoseok" I literally died (in a good way).
And then... Yoongi slightly creeping on Jimin made me happier than it should have... *cough* sorry, not sorry *cough*

Narrative Elements (15/30)
First off, I wanna say that you shouldn't use colored text, even if you're using it to represent different people speaking. It looks messy and it kind of hurt my eyes. Keep everything one color (either black or dark gray). And, usually I don't mention anything about A/N's, but I also recommend not highlighting those. It makes it incredibly difficult to read. Plain is often better for writing, so I suggest you stick with less colors.

Alright... Here's where I have to start getting strict. Now, I understand English may not be your first language, which is why I'm about to tell you this. I want to help you improve with your English, and to improve as a writer. Now, the mistakes you had were common mistakes of those who aren't Native English speakers, and they also tend to happen quite a bit by Native English speakers as well (including me, from time to time) so do not be discouraged!! I went through and edited what I thought would help with the prologue, but I highly recommend hiring a beta/proof reader for everything else, so you can see how they edit, and see what it is that you need to work on the most, and learn from them. I hope you aren't too distraught by me saying this, but I do think you can be an amazing writer as you learn and improve upon your English skills.

Ex. What You Wrote:
 

The sounds of the crickets and the hooting of the owls filled the silent night except for in one of the house; soft sobs can be heard. While sitting on the stairs that facing the living room, a ten years old girl pulled her eight years old brother that was sobbing unstoppably to her embrace.

In front of them was the most terrifying nightmare for them as there were bloodstains everywhere on the floor as well as on the wall. On the floor, lying two familiar lifeless bodies were covered with bloods. Not far from the bodies, there was a knife which is obviously the weapon of the murder.

“It’s okay, don’t worry. Mommy and daddy were safe. They’re sleeping peacefully now, but not here...” the eldest said; trying to console the youngest.

“Where and what do you mean?” he asked and looked at her.

“In heaven, of course,” she answered as tears streaming down to her brother’s head and she hugged him tightly.

After tired of crying, the youngest broke the hug and went towards one of the lifeless bodies; their father. Then, he lied down beside him as if he was still alive and rested his head on his broad chest. Tears started to flow down from his eyes again until he falls asleep. Seeing this, the young girl got up from her current place and went towards their mother’s lifeless body. She just stood there; staring at her mother as tears continuingly flowed down to her cheeks like a fretful stream over the boulders before she did the same thing as her brother. And with that, the night in the house became silence again as the two children fell asleep beside their dead parents.

Hours had passed and the sun slowly making its way through the clouds, casting a golden hue. The cheerful chirping of the multitude of birds along with the sounds of police cars and ambulance sirens can be heard in the morning. The neighbors went out from their houses to check out on what had happened. The police cars stopped in front of a house. Without wasting any time, they broke into the house and when they entered the living room, they were startled as they slowly put away their guns. In front of them were two lifeless bodies that were covered with bloods and two children that were sleeping soundly beside them. They immediately took the children away from the dead bodies and placed them on the couch without waking them up.

Not long after that, a man and a woman in their 30’s entered the house and their eyes widen when they saw the dead bodies in front of them. The woman fell on her knees as tears escaped her eyes while the man just stood there staring at the bodies before he cried out for them.

“Kai! Hyunji!” he cried out.

“This… This can’t be… Hyunji, why?!” the woman cried on top of her voice.

My Edit:
 

The sounds of the crickets and the hooting of the owls filled the silent night, all except for one house. There, soft sobs could be heard. While sitting on the stairs that faced the living room, a ten year old girl pulled her sobbing eight year old brother into her embrace.

In front of them was the most terrifying nightmare.

Bloodstains everywhere.

On the floor, there were two familiar lifeless bodies covered in blood. Not far from the bodies, there was a knife, which had obviously been the weapon of the murder.

“It’s okay, don’t worry. Mommy and daddy are safe. They’re sleeping peacefully now, but not here...” The eldest said, trying to console the youngest.

“Where and what do you mean?” He asked, looking up at her.

“In heaven, of course.” She answered as tears streamed down to her brother’s head and she hugged him tightly.

After he became tired of crying, the youngest broke away from the hug and went towards one of the bodies; their father. Then he laid down beside him, as if he was still alive and rested his head upon his broad chest. Tears began to flow down from his eyes again until he falls asleep.

Seeing this, the young girl got up from her current place and went toward their mother’s body. She just stood there for a moment, staring at her mother as tears continuously fell down her cheeks, like a fretful stream over boulders before she did the same thing as her brother. And with that, the night in the house became silent again as the two children fell asleep beside their dead parents.

Hours had passed and the sun slowly made its way through the clouds, casting a golden hue. The cheerful chirping of a multitude of birds, along with the sounds of police cars and ambulance sirens could be heard. The neighbors went out from their houses to check out on what had happened. The police cars stopped in front of a house and without wasting any time, they broke in. When they entered the living room, they were startled as they slowly put away their guns. In front of them were two lifeless bodies that were covered in blood, and two children sleeping soundly beside them. They immediately took the children away from the bodies and placed them on the couch without waking them up.

Not long after that, a man and a woman in their 30’s entered the house and their eyes went wide when they saw the dead bodies in front of them. The woman fell on her knees as tears escaped, while the man just stood there staring at the bodies before he cried out for them.

“Kai! Hyunji!”

“This… This can’t be… Hyunji, why?!” The woman cried out from top of her lungs.

Most noted corrections:
Bloods --> Blood (the plural of 'blood', is still just 'blood')
Years Old --> Year old (when saying it like 'He is eight years old', it is correct. When saying it like 'he is an eight year old' or 'her eight year old brother', 'years' is not correct; just use 'year')
Capitalize after dialog (i.e "what do you mean?" He asked)

Now, again, I didn't say this to come off mean or rude. I think you will become an amazing writer one day. This story is already so well done, and if you hired a beta reader, or proof reader, it can be all that much better.

Plot & Theme (34/35)
This, although cliche, still came out as new and fresh to me. You did a good job of taking a cliche idea and turning it into something personal and original. It wasn't too rushed, nor was it too slow. I think you paced it out perfectly so far, so keep it up.

Entertainment Factors (9/10)
I found myself enjoying this story despite the mistakes, and I know it'll only get better. I would love to continue reading as the story continues. Overall, I liked this story a lot. \(^o^)/

Overall Score (/120)

Reviewer's Song Choice: