*calling Minderaser | Marine

ℝookie ℝeviews | A Review Shop | Closed & Catching Up (Please Read Chapter 68)

Marine
Review Requested By: Minderaser
Reviewer: HeadToToesLove
Review Requested: July 17th, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: July 19th, 2015
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Title (9/10)
I believe that the title is relevant enough. Once you read the story, you understand what it means, and it doesn't give away too much of the plot.

Foreword (15/15)
I love the fact that you put an original poem as your description. It was beautiful (don't worry, not too cheesy ;P). And, it gave you a look into Jin's feelings without even saying anything concrete about the story, so if readers care to learn more, then they'll read.

Characters (18/20)
Jin was a very likable character. I enjoyed how he never gave up on Arson, and that he was a hopeless romantic (I'm a hopeless romantic too >.<). He was relatable and seemed like a genuinely good guy.
I noticed with Rachael's name, you switched from spelling it 'Rachel' to 'Rachael'. I believe I only noticed the mistake once (maybe twice), so it wasn't too much of a problem.
I would have liked to have seen more from Janus, but I suppose that's how you wanted it in the end (*winkeu winkeu*).

Narrative Elements (25/30)
Overall, I think you did an excellent job. There weren't a ton of mistakes and the ones that were there, were hardly noticeable.
I think you could use more synonyms, though. In the beginning, it was really repetitive with 'special night' so you could remove that from one of the sentences, or replace it with something else.

Ex. What You Wrote:
"Families were enjoying each other’s company around their dining room tables, chatting about their jobs, and latest ground-breaking celebrity gossip. Happy. They were all happy: happy to be with one another, and happy to see each other on the special night. Most importantly, they were all happy not to be alone on the special night."

Suggestion:
"Families were enjoying each other’s company around their dining room tables, chatting about their jobs, and the latest ground-breaking celebrity gossip. Happy. They were all happy: happy to be with one another, and happy to see each other. Most importantly, they were all happy not to be alone on the special night."

Also, as a way to create more of an impact, spacing of lines and sentences can be spread out to seem more dramatic.

Ex. What You Wrote:
"Families were enjoying each other’s company around their dining room tables, chatting about their jobs, and latest ground-breaking celebrity gossip. Happy. They were all happy: happy to be with one another, and happy to see each other on the special night. Most importantly, they were all happy not to be alone on the special night."

Suggestion:
"Families were enjoying each other’s company around their dining room tables, chatting about their jobs, and the latest ground-breaking celebrity gossip.

Happy.

They were all happy: happy to be with one another, and happy to see each other on the special night.

Most importantly, they were all happy not to be alone on the special night."

But, I understand that this might not be your writing style, so it is only a suggestion. Separating words and lines that have a deep meaning, intensifies that meaning. 

Lastly, I saw a few grammatical mistakes, but I don't think they were intentional, just simple typos (aside from maybe one).

1) You used 'cheerily' but in that context 'cheerfully' would have worked better.

Ex. "and approached her rather cheerily" ---> "and approached her rather cheerfully"

2) 'late' vs. 'later'

Ex. "You'll thank me for this late." ---> "You'll thank for this later."

Plot & Theme (34/35)
I suppose I wouldn't know very well, because I don't tend to read one-shots, but I don't believe I've seen a plot like this before. And, not to mention, Jin fics aren't nearly as common as other BTS members (i.e Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook). I really liked your plot, and I loved the twist at the end. Everyone thought for sure he was gone, so good job with that surprise factor.
And, somehow, you managed to end it with a bit of suspense and the possibility of a future. I love open-ended stories, especially one-shots. Not knowing what happens next makes you think about it more and more, and it'll keep readers coming back to try and figure it out. Excellent job. ^^

Entertainment Factors (8/10)
I found this story entertaining. I found myself relating to Jin emotionally, and although some parts lacked luster, the surprises you threw in here and there up-ed the excitement level, just enough.

Overall Score (109/120) *This story will be added to the Hall of Fame**


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HeadToToesLove
Review Pickup for: omonachu

Comments

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omonachu #1
Chapter 70: thanks for the review! i will put it up as soon as i have time to update.
SilentlyWriting
#2
Chapter 67: I'm so sorry that I only able to pick it up now. I've been busy for college and haven't got any time to check aff. anyway. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEW AND THE ADVICE, I will consider all of your word to improve myself. I will put up the credit as soon as I'm on my laptop.
omonachu #3
Chapter 68: I don't mind the change in reviewer! :)
Shino159 #4
Chapter 68: Don't apologize!~ >.< Reading and reviewing takes time and seriously, you guys are fast! And of course, you have a life out of this shop ^^ Fighting!!!!!!~ :D
Lovex2254 #5
Username: Lovex2254
Profile Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/424809
Story Title: Memento Mori
Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1013350/memento-mori-angst-dark-death-psychological-zelo-bap
Genre: Dark, Psychological
Short Summary: Tragedy strikes when a young aspiring dancer by the stage name of Zelo disappears. Two weeks after his disappearance, he's found dead in his girlfriend's apartment. A day later, Park Sora is arrested under the charges of killing her boyfriend. Now, it's my job to investigate the story of the crazy behind the murder of Choi Junhong.
Reviewer: JungAddicted
Is it Rated M?: no
How many chapters are there?: 1
Is it Complete?: No
Password: Jimin's abs
chariseuma
#6
Username: chariseuma
Profile Link: www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/242416
Story Title: dirty little secret (the submissives's desires)
Story Link: www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/872654/dirty-little-secret-the-submissives-desires-mark-got7-marktuan-gtn7series
Genre: , friendship, comedy
Short Summary: iseul wanted to prove mark that she was not bothered by the kiss.
Reviewer: scookieez
Is it Rated M?: Yes
How many chapters are there?: it's a oneshot
Is it Complete?: yes
Password: Jimin's abs

•••

sorry for requesting at you (scookiez) but the others are busy ;A;
lexxxi16
#7
Chapter 66: Thank you so much for reviewing! I'll definitely edit my grammars and whatnot and try to add more description and details next time. Ty! Once again, and I will credit you.
kyuri91
#8
Username: kyuri91
Profile Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/44158
Story Title: Hearts are Made to be Broken
Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/161414
Genre: Romance
Short Summary: Her first love changed her; she doesn't believe in love anymore. She will have her revenge; even if it means she will break the heart of someone who loves her truly.
Reviewer: Yoon_Jeonghan
Is it Rated M?: No
How many chapters are there?: 44
Is it Complete?: Yes
Password: Jimin's abs
blacksmile
#9
Username: Blacksmile
Profile Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/38220
Story Title: Aphrodite Wanted
Story Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/601767/aphrodite-wanted-myth-exo-kai-chanyeol-kris-krisyeol-kailay
Genre: Angst, Myth,
Short Summary: As members of the Aphrodite race, Chanyeol and Yixing needs to run and hide in order to live.
Reviewer: yoon_jeonghan
Is it Rated M?: yes
How many chapters are there?: 6
Is it Complete?: no
Password: Jimin's abs