*calling Minderaser | Marine
ℝookie ℝeviews | A Review Shop | Closed & Catching Up (Please Read Chapter 68)Marine
Review Requested By: Minderaser
Reviewer: HeadToToesLove
Review Requested: July 17th, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: July 19th, 2015
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Title (9/10)
I believe that the title is relevant enough. Once you read the story, you understand what it means, and it doesn't give away too much of the plot.
Foreword (15/15)
I love the fact that you put an original poem as your description. It was beautiful (don't worry, not too cheesy ;P). And, it gave you a look into Jin's feelings without even saying anything concrete about the story, so if readers care to learn more, then they'll read.
Characters (18/20)
Jin was a very likable character. I enjoyed how he never gave up on Arson, and that he was a hopeless romantic (I'm a hopeless romantic too >.<). He was relatable and seemed like a genuinely good guy.
I noticed with Rachael's name, you switched from spelling it 'Rachel' to 'Rachael'. I believe I only noticed the mistake once (maybe twice), so it wasn't too much of a problem.
I would have liked to have seen more from Janus, but I suppose that's how you wanted it in the end (*winkeu winkeu*).
Narrative Elements (25/30)
Overall, I think you did an excellent job. There weren't a ton of mistakes and the ones that were there, were hardly noticeable.
I think you could use more synonyms, though. In the beginning, it was really repetitive with 'special night' so you could remove that from one of the sentences, or replace it with something else.
Ex. What You Wrote:
"Families were enjoying each other’s company around their dining room tables, chatting about their jobs, and latest ground-breaking celebrity gossip. Happy. They were all happy: happy to be with one another, and happy to see each other on the special night. Most importantly, they were all happy not to be alone on the special night."
Suggestion:
"Families were enjoying each other’s company around their dining room tables, chatting about their jobs, and the latest ground-breaking celebrity gossip. Happy. They were all happy: happy to be with one another, and happy to see each other. Most importantly, they were all happy not to be alone on the special night."
Also, as a way to create more of an impact, spacing of lines and sentences can be spread out to seem more dramatic.
Ex. What You Wrote:
"Families were enjoying each other’s company around their dining room tables, chatting about their jobs, and latest ground-breaking celebrity gossip. Happy. They were all happy: happy to be with one another, and happy to see each other on the special night. Most importantly, they were all happy not to be alone on the special night."
Suggestion:
"Families were enjoying each other’s company around their dining room tables, chatting about their jobs, and the latest ground-breaking celebrity gossip.
Happy.
They were all happy: happy to be with one another, and happy to see each other on the special night.
Most importantly, they were all happy not to be alone on the special night."
But, I understand that this might not be your writing style, so it is only a suggestion. Separating words and lines that have a deep meaning, intensifies that meaning.
Lastly, I saw a few grammatical mistakes, but I don't think they were intentional, just simple typos (aside from maybe one).
1) You used 'cheerily' but in that context 'cheerfully' would have worked better.
Ex. "and approached her rather cheerily" ---> "and approached her rather cheerfully"
2) 'late' vs. 'later'
Ex. "You'll thank me for this late." ---> "You'll thank for this later."
Plot & Theme (34/35)
I suppose I wouldn't know very well, because I don't tend to read one-shots, but I don't believe I've seen a plot like this before. And, not to mention, Jin fics aren't nearly as common as other BTS members (i.e Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook). I really liked your plot, and I loved the twist at the end. Everyone thought for sure he was gone, so good job with that surprise factor.
And, somehow, you managed to end it with a bit of suspense and the possibility of a future. I love open-ended stories, especially one-shots. Not knowing what happens next makes you think about it more and more, and it'll keep readers coming back to try and figure it out. Excellent job. ^^
Entertainment Factors (8/10)
I found this story entertaining. I found myself relating to Jin emotionally, and although some parts lacked luster, the surprises you threw in here and there up-ed the excitement level, just enough.
Overall Score (109/120) *This story will be added to the Hall of Fame**
Reviewer's Song Choice:
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