Playboy
Requested By: Lovex2254
Reviewer: -theunniefangirl
Review Requested: August 3rd, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: August 8th
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I'm sorry this came out so late! Life got ahead of me and I couldn't really use my laptop. 

Title (6/10)
There's nothing really special or unique about it. 

 But it is short and simple. And you can also see what it has to do with the story.

Foreword (12/15)
The description wasn't anything special. It kind of turned me off a bit because of the fact it was another playboy story. 

 The quotes used in the story were nice and kept readers intrigued. I also like the short excerpt you can see in there. It gives you a basis of what Sehun's character is like and how he plays around with girls emotions.

Characters (10/20)
So I'm gonna try not to spoil anything (I make spoil-free reviews lol), but here we go.

 First off is Eunji. I was scared that she might come off as cliche since most OCs in romance books are, and I'm glad she wasn't. She had this boyishness to her that makes her fun to read about. While her being able to play around Sehun is pretty common in the tough-OCs troops when the male lead is a playboy, you played it off really well. I do kind of feel that Eunji is a bit of a Mary Sue. She has basically no flaws- as in if I were to list her personality traits I wouldn't be able to list her negatives. And to add on, you made her a "practical genius". Like, what is a genius doing at a coffee shop? And not, like, helping society? Everything about her makes her seem like another one of those bubbly-funny Mary Sues you'd see. Try to develop her character, make her more dynamic. Give her points in the story where you feel mad or disappointed in her- like you can with the other characters, even though you they show their negative sides a bit less than the others.

 Now, I would go into the other characters, but there isn't anything I can really say about them that won't be repeated in each of their profiles. Let's start off with chapter twelve- the triva. I personally think that it was unneeded. Instead of making an entire chapter based on their facts, you should've developed them through out the story. You should let the readers learn all about the fun facts by themselves instead of giving it to them right in their faces. It really ruined some of my enjoyment for the story.

 Speaking of development- that is something you're lacking in. I didn't see any character development- and if I did, it happened too fast. For example; Sehun changing his ways. I really doubt that a "playboy" would have changed so quickly. You should at least have him still have his playboy tendencies through out the story with hints of him breaking here and there. The fact that it happened so quickly really messed up the entire feel for Sehun. Having him change over a long period of time would allow the reader to respect him more, which we weren't able to feel when he did decided on settling down. 

 And also, for Kai and Suho, don't you think it would be better to use their real names? Since, their stage names are just something they use for when they're idols and this is an AU in which they're just normal people. I personally think that it would make A LOT more sense for everyone to call them Kim Jongin and Kim Joonmyeon.

Narrative Elements (15/30)
Most of your writing was pretty fine. I saw some errors, but it's nothing a little proof reading can't fix. An error I did find is your word choice. You mix up tenses a lot and sometimes use adjectives in which a verb should be. I definitely recommend getting an editor or reading over you chapters very strictly to fix that. 

For example:

You wrote
"Eunji drummed her fingers on the counter, wishing the second of the day would go by faster"
What it should be
"Eunji drummed her fingers on the counter and wished the seconds of the day would go by faster."
or
"Eunji was drumming her fingers on the counter, whishing the seconds of the day would go by faster."

 In your original sentence, you mixed past and present tense up, since "drummed" has -ed, which means it's past tense and happened before the story was being told, and "wishing" has -ing; present tense, meaning it was happening WHILE the story was being told. Unless Eunji and other characters are a bunch of time travelling ninjas, I doubt that that is possible.

 I personally think that putting the character's name before a section is a bit useless, since it's only usefull if you where changing POVs in first person, since it would be confusing that way. It's honestly not really a confusing thing in third person since you state the characters name and readers won't get confused by who we're reading from.

 Another thing I mentioned before was the flow of the story. It went a bit fast in the beginning of the story but eventually slowed down after some chapters. 

 I will say that your strongest point in writing is your descriptions. Imagery is one of the biggest things that can make a story enjoyable and your imagery was beautiful. I could feel as though  I was in the world myself.

Plot and Theme (15/35)
Honestly, playboy stories aren't the most unique storyline in the AFF web. I've seen so many stories like this. I honestly expected basically most of what was going to happen in the story. 

Entertainment Factors (8/10)
I wasn't really excited for it, to be honest. It wasn't really my cup of tea, but you proved me wrong. I really enjoyed it, to  be honest, and I'm actually excited for what is  later to come.

Overall Score (66/120)

Reviewer's Song Choice: