Embracing The Moon
Review Requested By: h-l-u-b
Reviewer: HeadToToesLove
Review Requested: July 31st, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: August 3rd, 2015
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Warning To Potential Readers: This Review Contains Spoilers (spoilers that are very important to the plot) read with caution.

Title (10/10)
I was incredibly skeptical about the title at first. It didn't seem to have any relation to the story at all, until I got the part where the queen of the Underworld was revealed. It's absolutely perfect, and it's a title that makes you have to read to fully understand the story. Excellent selection.
The way I prefer to view it is, it's as if the title refers to Yoori, and her inner conflict with Moon and being who she really is (or who she wants to be). She's learning how to embrace her past (Moon) and make it mix into her present, thus Embracing The Moon. Don't know if you meant it to be that deep, but I managed to find it as deep as Bang Yongguk's voice (if not deeper), so yeah...

Foreword (14/15)
Your foreword was almost perfect, but I saw a few things here and there (awkward wording and sentence structure) that took away from the look and sound of it as a whole.
The part:

Currently, there are three gangs that are the most powerful.
The Skulls.
The Scorpions.
And.
The Shadows.
The most powerful of them all? The Shadows.

It's a bit repetitive. Something like:

Currently, there are three gangs that are the strongest.
The Skulls.
The Scorpions.
And, the most powerful of them all...
The Shadows.

It just sounds nicer and rolls off the tongue a little easier this way. (And, I used center alignment because it looked cool >//<).

Also, you posted the prologue in the foreword, which was a smart move. But, what I want to say about the prologue, however, is that your spacing could be better (and it's like this throughout the whole story). With a fic like yours, you could do so much with the spacing of lines and such to give a darker effect, and create a sense of drama with your writing. For single word sentences (like when you wrote 'crap.' You could make that a line/paragraph of its own, and it'll turn out more dramatic.
And, another small thing I'd like to point out is that you used a lowercase 'i' once in the prologue.

Characters (18/20)
Since I couldn't go as in depth with the grammar and mechanics and whatnot (since your story is rather long, and honestly, your grammar didn't need that much attention) I decided to focus more on your plot and the characters.
So, first off, I wanna say that I absolutely loved (most) of your characters. Your characterization, development, and introductions were almost all perfect. You even managed to pull off what I like to call the 'roll call' introduction (basically, one person goes through and introductions everyone verbally). You did this with Zelo and the other Scorpion members, and it wasn't cliche like it usually is. *Applause* It is seriously a big accomplishment in my book if you manage to pull of that kind of introduction. And, as for the rest of your character introductions, they were all pretty damn good, too.
You left a lot of mystery with them. Some characters were introduced in a scene without a name (actually, a lot of characters) which left the reader guessing and trying to figure out who it could be. So, amazing job with introductions!
Now, I want to talk about the characters themselves. I will do the important ones (or the ones that I found to be the most important), and I've grouped them together by their relevance to each other. I started with Yoori, for obvious reasons (she's the main character, after all).

Kim Yoori

She is seemingly innocent and weak. But, she has a strong heart, and she cares fully for those who come in contact with her. She's a well-rounded character. I adored her relationship with the boys (I'm referring to The Scorpions; B.A.P yasssss) and her relationship with Zelo was lovely (and also plays a rather important role within the entire plot). 

Moon

Now, you may be wondering why I kept Moon and Yoori separate. The reason for that is because, they are very separate. They are two different people, only within the same body.
Moon is a hardened killer (kill or be killed) and she has no mercy for those around her, and that makes her a complete contrast from Yoori. To be honest, even at this point there's still quite a bit of mystery shrouding her, so her inner character isn't fully on display for me to analyze as of yet.

These two are not the same person (as I've said) but I have a feeling they will mold together and form a new person, someone who is neither Yoori nor Moon, but an entire;y different person. Someone who is a perfect balance between the two, and that will essentially be the balance between all of the characters. (refer back to my thoughts on the title ;P)
There is a lot of inner conflict within Yoori and Moon, fighting against the other side (each other). Both of them are strong enough to win, but it all depends on who has the most willpower to do so.

The Scorpions (I've split them up eve further)

Zelo

He is a key character in my opinion. Yoori's humanity (remaining herself despite Moon taking control) seems to rely heavily on him (frequent dreams and flashbacks of him as evidence). He was a great character, happy and cheerful, but ready to kill if need be. I was incredibly saddened when he died, and my heart literally hurt for a moment (I went into *exaggerated* shock). He was most definitely my favorite character. And, even after he died, he's still so involved in this story (seemingly reincarnated by Choi Kwang Ryul or Kanto, and still filling Yoori's dreams).

Bang Yongguk

Another key character, though not as important as Zelo or most others. He saved Yoori in the beginning, and in all honesty, It's difficult to tell if he's an antagonist or a protagonist (NOTE: This applies to the majority of your characters. They're all so complicated and there's no good nor bad (except for a select few) and everyone has so much more to them than being a villain or being a hero).
I was hoping he was going to be Yoori's love interest (since you put such heavy emphasis on The Scorpions in the beginning) but alas he wasn't. Don't worry, that's not negative, I'm just complete trash for B.A.P and got my own darn hopes up.
I like the way it turned out, though, keep it up!

The Other Members

They weren't as important (aside from maybe the hungry hungry Daehyun, who trained Yoori in self-defense). They gave Yoori her name, and basically were the ones who shaped her initial character, since her current life started off with them (after her memory was gone). Some of them were a bit out of character (like Jongup being incredibly outgoing and Himchan being a gruff grandpa type of character (lol)), but it didn't really effect anything much.

The Skulls

Kris

Ah, Kris.
Kris, Kris, Kris. *shakes head* (at him, not you).
I didn't like him at first, (partly because I was moody about Gukkie not being the bae, but mostly) because when Kris entered, you began to put more emphasis on romance within the story, and it made it become slightly more cliche. HOWEVER, you totally turned things around with Moon resurfacing and everything, so once again, that isn't important.
What is important, though, is Kris' roll in the story. Perhaps after Yoori and Moon (and maybe Zelo), he's the most important. He's who really trains Yoori to defend herself, and after Zelo, he's another reason I think Yoori has managed to stick around even after Moon showed up.
His character is also shrouded in mystery, and he still has so much to develop (btw, you're character development is paced out so well, I'm kind of jealous, lol).
And, as it is right now, it's still uncertain of whether or not he still plans on getting revenge for his mother's death (due to Moon) or if he's no longer going to. I bet there's plenty of internal conflict within him, and I would actually love to see more of it happen with in the story.

Sehun

He's like Zelo, but not as cute and cuddly \(^~^)/
He plays a role similar to Zelo's in that, he's a wakeup call for Yoori (again, 'Noona') and keeps her humanity in check. He's not as key as Zelo, but still very important to the story as a whole.

The Other Members

Just like with the Scorpions, there isn't much to say about them. They help Yoori find more of herself (pre-Moon) and Chanyeol helps with Kris' character development, revealing that the man is, in fact, lonely. 
Also, thank you for making Kai a slight jerk. Too many people glorify him nowadays (I love me some Kai, he's my bias, but not everyone needs to write him as some hot and incredibly talented bronze Greek god).

The Shadows

Current

Suho

The leader, and Yoori's older brother. He seems to be an antagonist, but there hasn't been much with him involved yet (only the words of others). I look forward to more character development here, as well.

Former

Chen

He's the one allows Yoori to find a door to her past, and allow Moon to return. Now, he's the right hand man of Moon, and takes care of the dirty work for her.

There were plenty of other characters, like Jiwon and Tao, who I haven't elaborated on, and I won't because 1) there's tons of mystery with Jiwon, and I honestly haven't gotten a good enough grip on his character, and 2) Tao, although important, seems to have diminished in his role and amount of importance as the story progressed, and I don't want to make this review too lengthy by going into depth with more characters. Kanto is another character who may play a bigger role in the future (being someone who reminds Moon highly of Zelo, and it seems already as if she has a soft spot for him, which is proof that Yoori isn't completely gone).

Narrative Elements (25/30)
Overall, you did an excellent job with grammar and spelling. The first chapter had many tense (past and present) switches, but after that chapter it hardly ever happened. Also, you got slightly repetitive with some of your sentences, and you could've used pronouns more here and there. And, click here for a link to an online thesaurus (I live by it, it helped me expand my vocabulary, and it'll do the same for you, too, I'm sure) and you can replace some words that have been used many times (like 'slowly'). But, here's an example with the pronoun thing I talked about:

Ex.

"...he made me sit on the side of the tub as he filled the tub with water.”

You can replace the second 'tub' with the pronoun 'it' and it would sound less repetitive.

A mistake I saw a couple of times is where you used 'breaths' which isn't the plural of 'breath' - so instead of 'breaths' just use 'breath'.

Plot & Theme (33/35)
Your plot was very unique.

You had so many plot twists, I lost count. It was amazing. Just when I thought I knew what was going to happen next, something completely different happened and changed the entire direction of the story. You made an outstanding use of plot twists, and it's awesome. I thought that the story would drag on after a while, to be honest, due to the length, but with the intricate plot and countless twists, it keeps it new and fresh and doesn't drag at all.

The part where you started to emphasize the romance, though, was a bit cliche, and it didn't really do anything at the time, but I saw how you twisted that and now it's back to where it focuses more on plot, and the romance is leverage for the plot. So, despite the cliche scenes (the beach and the village) in the end, you made it worth it. I think you could have done without as much of it (because your story is amazing for the plot alone, without any romance), but it was still worth enduring when you read on further, so don't worry.

Entertainment Factors (8/10)
I enjoyed this story quite a bit. It didn't take me long to get into (since there were many plot twist from the beginning to now, and there was so much mystery in it that I had to continue) but, there were parts where I found myself struggling to read further because it just didn't have the same thrill (namely, the romance). However, once I got past those, it went back into the mysterious plot, and I still want to read more.
I would also like to point out here, that the way you ended the chapters were perfect. You almost always left them with a sense of suspense and drama that drew the reader to click the next button just to find out what happens next.

Overall Score (108/120) *This story has been added to the Hall of Fame*

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