The One
Review Requested By: omonachu
Reviewer: HeadToToesLove (In place of -theunniefangirl)
Review Requested: August 6th, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: September 13th, 2015
**Please remember to credit us in your foreword with the banner on the right and comment to let us know you've picked up**

Note: I am so sorry for the time it took to do this review. I had to take it over from one of the other workers, because she went on haitus without informing us. I was kind of strict with it (more so than I normally would be, and I think I'll continue being strict with these reviews). To those who may be waiting for their reviews (if they requested scookieez or -theunniefangirl) they're on their way. I've enlisted the help of a friend for these, so they'll get done faster. I hope that's alright. If it isn't, message me personally about it. And, again. Sorry for the wait.
I would also like to point out, this review may also seem harsher simply because it's still early and there are a lot of unknowns that go along with it. Don't let that dishearten you, and come back for a more thorough review once your story has progressed more.

Title (4/10)
In all honesty, your title is cliche. It's used quite a bit with stories everywhere. And, since it's still early, I don't really see any relevance to the story so far, either. You'll need to show the significance and relevance of the title in the future, or else it this score will continue to be low.

Foreword (12/15)
The layout was good. Simple and easy to read, and your description didn't give away too much. However there were some mistakes (listed below).

But, then someone helped her it was Kim Minseok, the kingka of CUBE High.

→ But, then someone helped her. It was Kim Minseok - the most popular student of Cube High.

• I hate the word Kingka. It’s not a real word, so people really need to stop using it. It’s overused and it’s immature and honestly, really annoying. Stories that use Kingka or Queenka are instant turnoffs for a lot readers (especially recently, since it’s used so much). 
• Cube doesn’t need to be in all caps, even if the label is visualized in all caps. It’s not correct.

​I’m not doing anymore mistakes from the foreword, but there were a couple more. Mostly using commas in places that other punctuation is necessary. Overuse of commas can cause the effect of run-on sentences and they aren’t correct. Also, tenses. (ex. ‘promise’ ---> ‘promised’).

Characters (15/20)
Your characters are slightly unrealistic, and cliche. They’re the same characters you see in every story like this. You need to do something to make them more unique and relatable.

Narrative Elements (20/30)
Mistakes: 
I’ve only done a couple mistakes from the first chapter because it was all pretty similar for the rest. Mostly incorrect tenses and awkward sentence structure.

Nayoung smiled and pushed her eyeglass up as she place her books in the locker.
→ Nayoung smiled and pushed her glasses up as she placed her books in the locker.

• Tenses, ‘glasses’ is obvious enough without ‘eye’ in them.
• Also, you need to write ‘glasses’ because there are two lenses in a pair of glasses, making it a plural term. ‘Glass’ is singular.

It was mid-August, just as sophomore year started, when the cold Oh Sehun asked her out. The whole student body were speechless. It even shocked them more to see them dating for eight months and counting.
→ It was mid-August, just as Sophomore year started, when the cold Oh Sehun asked her out. The entire student body was speechless. It shocked them even more when they dated for eight months and counting.

• Were → Was
• Entire sounds better.
• Word order: putting ‘even’ first made the sentence sound awkward.

For the record, Criminal Minds is not ‘sci-fi’. Sci-fi stands for ‘Science Fiction’ which is stuff like aliens, extraterrestrials, etc. Criminal Minds is just a crime show drama, not science fiction. Science Fiction would be something like Star Trek or Star Wars.

The pacing of your story started out well, but by the fifth chapter, things started to drag on for it being the beginning. In your description, you put that she went to another school, and met knew people, and came back. That’s what the majority of this story should focus on then, but you’re putting too much emphasis on what happened before she went to the new school. The plot that you laid out in the foreword is taking too long to come to life, thus making your story drag on.

Plot & Theme (23/35)
Another thing that happens too often in stories (aside from 'Kingka') and is incredibly cliche - when the characters just change their appearance and that suddenly makes them different and unrecognizable. That’s not realistic, and taking of your glasses and putting makeup on and styling hair won’t change you, or make you any prettier. Yes, makeovers can make you feel better about yourself, and you can look better with them, but they don’t make you someone different. People won’t suddenly envy you. You may not do this, since that part of the story hasn't happened yet, but based off the description, that's what it seems like, currently.
I also think that stories that use label names as the school names are overused as well. Find the name of a real school in Korea or use a more realistic one, at least. Don’t use Cube or SM high.
You need to do something to spice up your plot and make it original. Right now, it's very easy to find stories no different from yours. You need to do something to set it apart from all of the others out there (and there are many).

Entertainment Factors (6/10)
Despite how harsh I may have been, your story was still cute. It has potential, if you work on it. And, like I said, it's new, so I've only been able to review based on what's already there. If you come back with more in the future, I'm sure your score will have improved.

Overall Score (80/120)

Reviewer's Song Choice: