Marrying the Tuan Family
Requested By: princessmato
Reviewer: -theunniefangirl
Review Requested: August 2nd, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: August 6th
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I'm sorry this came out so late! Life got ahead of me and I couldn't really use my laptop. 

Title (4/10)
The title really turned me off. I generally don't read books with titles like this. It gives away the basic plot and I've seen so many titles like this about arranged marriage. Maybe instead of that you could use something more original that might have to do with something they do in the story or something given to the main character (or characters) that play a major part in their marriage.

Foreword (14/15)
I really liked it- I didn't see any grammatical errors or anything of that. 

 I do feel as though the character chart was a bit much? I don't know, I've never realy liked them, I feel as though they just give away the plot. ^^

Characters (12/20)
I try to not to spoil anything with long stories, so I'm just going to give the basis of the characters/plot./narrative elements

But, in my opinion, the characters were very...common. While Saemi wasn't a typical Mary Sue, I've seen a lot of characters like her everywhere.,  Mark is pretty original considered most arranged marriage stories- but, I don't really know since I don't read arranged marriage fanfics, let alone OC ones. But one thing about him is how he gained feelings for Saemi so fast? It's not normal to like someone so fast.

 I did enjoy seeing the characters react to each other. I also hate Mark a lot of times- which shows good character writing. 

 I do hope that you can try and develop the characters more and at a normal pace.

Narrative Elements (10/30)
I saw a lot of errors in your story. But first I'll start of with the perspective changes. 

 You should keep the minimun of POVs to two (or three if there are three major characters.). I would also like to mention that "Author's POV" is in fact just third person perspective- and you should never change perspectives in a story. You should just keep 3P perspective instead of constantly changing the P.O.V

Another thing I'd like to touch up on. It's nothing major- but instead of CAPITLIZING words when someone yells, just italicize them. It seems neater and more well-written. 

Now here's some things I want to touch up on your writing style and such:

What you wrote
"I'm... *clears throat* okay for now. What is it?"

 What it should be
"I'm," I cleared my throat, "okay for now. What is it?"

 When someone does an action through speaking, just split the dialogue in half- never use *<- those things (i forgot what they're called woops srry). 

 Now I don't want to over-do you with lessons- I just want to touch up on one last thing:

 What you wrote
"Please, stay with me." I whispered.

 What it should be
"Please, stay with me," I whispered.

 Note the comma. When someone is doing an action, yes you put a period, but when you write that someone is doing a speaking action- you put a comma. 

 I hope that makes sense.  I definitely say you should get an editor to fix up those errors as well as the others I couldn't list.

Plot and Theme (15/35)
Arranged marriage stories are definitely not the most original stories on AFF. I see them everywhere. But, a lot of people are attracted to them. 

Entertainment Factors (6/10)
The errors and cliche-ness of it, kind of turned me off, but I did enjoy reading their interactions together. 

Overall Score (61/120)

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