When the Night Falls
Requested by: Eunriehyun
Reviewer: rectangular_smile
Review Requested: July 11th, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: July 14th, 2015
**Please remember to credit us with the banner on the right and comment to let us know that you've picked it up**
 

Title (5/10)
I've seen so many titles with the same name before, maybe not the same meaning but they are literally all the same. It wasn't really creative or original. That's all what I have to say.

Foreword (9/15)
The foreword wasn't appealing or eye-carching, you had written half of the plot in it and we, as readers, have already figured out what's going to happen. The whole ending was predictable and I didn't see anything different from any other stories. My advice to you is to change your foreword and make it more mysterious and exciting, don't reveal the entire plot and try to be creative.
I didn't like the fact you used the present tense, as well. When you write a story, it's like you are talking about something that already happened and you are only retelling it. I won't say I haven't read any stories with present tense because I have, but you should have gone with the past tense instead. It's easy to read and gives the story a unique touch. 

Characters (18/20)
Well, your characters are ordinary.
I didn't see anything new or unique. Sure, the girl (Donghae XD) wasn't your usual damsel in distress, but she wasn't very tough either. She was just an ordinary girl fighting through her father's tough cage. 
The development of the characters together were pretty good though. I liked how you used many side characters and mentioned a piece of their story, even if it wasn't much. I really enjoyed reading it. I like how you gave everyone a small part of your story. Overall, the way you wrote the characters development was amazingly good.
Keep it up.

Narrative Elements (15/30)
As I said before, I really didn't like the present tense. It made the story cluttered and simply annoying *sorry for the harsh words* but I've been reading stories in the past tense and thats it. I don't like reading present tense sentences and I'm sure not all readers do too, so I'm thinking that you should change that.
The grammar, I suggest you try and edit your chapters because I've found so many mistakes. I won't say that you should be perfect because no one is, and I wont say I'm the best person in grammar either, but we readers would appreciate it to be a bit more cleaner in the chapters ^^
So try to edit them as fast as you can.
In the beginning of the story, right on the description, you said you'll use old english. I didn't see much of that to be honest. There were some sentences with a pinch of modern in them that made the story look plain and new. If it weren't for the few words that were old, I would have thought it was a modern story, which you clearly said it wasn't.

Plot & Theme (25/35) 
The plot wasn't original.
Sorry, but I've read a lot of stories like it. The creatures that attacks the kids late at night where no one knows what's going on or how many they've lost.. Etc, etc. it wasn't new, it wasn't unique and it would be good if you write a big twist. I won't judge this so hard because you are only starting it so I'm going to be fair! You have to make a twist that is so different and eye catching!
What I did like though, was the way they treated women (sorry ladies but I gotta say this). We all know how women were treated back in time, like slaves and were only used for personal entertainment and producing children. I know you all know how we as girls were treated badly and I'm glad you actually took that idea and used it in your story. I admit I've read something like it but they were so little and I was hungry for more, so that was super good idea and I was punching her dad in the guts in my head, so kudos for you! This is brilliant!

Entertainment Factors (6/10)
Since I've read something like this, it was a little boring to me. But I won't judge that because I've read lots of stories, maybe it's just me. So, I'm gonna put this aside, but really, you need to make the story more original and make a huge twist that would make readers stands on their toes!

Overall Score: (78/120)

Reviewer's Song Choice: