Normal at day, Different at night
Review Requested By: armyforlife
Reviewer: HeadToToesLove (in place of clare_exo)
Review Requested:
Review Completed & Posted: July 31, 2015
**Please remember to credit us your foreword with the banner on the right and comment to let us know you've picked up**
 

Note from HeadToToesLove: I am so so so sorry it took so long for us to get your review done. Clare left without giving any of us a word, and everything just got super busy. Because I wanted to get it done faster, I gave an in depth review for the first three chapters (i.e checking for mistakes and such) and a general, overall review of the rest. I'm so sorry for the inconvenience, and I promise something like this won't happen again in the future. *bows 90 degrees*
And I would also like to apologize if any of this review comes out as harsh. I just wanted to give you my honest opinion to help you improve in the future. All of my changes and tips do not have to be taken into account, and you don't have to change anything you don't want to. They are only suggestions.

Title (5/10)
In all honesty, your title lacks originality. It doesn't really have any dazzle to it that would make it unique and stand out. At first glance, it just looks like another Exo fic where someone is able to pull off being a completely different person once the sun goes down, and everyone else never figures it out, because of a simple hair style change or the fact that he wears glasses. 
Now, you don't have to change it, because if it's a title you really love, who am I to have a say in whether or not you change it? But, you do need to edit it, because it's incorrect. Any noun in a title should be capitalized, and 'day' and 'night' are both nouns. 
Your title should look like this:

Normal at Day, Different at Night

Plus, it's more aesthetically pleasing if you have them capitalized.

Foreword (10/15)
This is honestly just a personal pet peeve of mine, and so many people on here use it, and there isn't a problem with it per se, but... the usage of the words 'queenka' and 'kingka'. 
I'm sorry, but those words immediately draw me away from a story. They're childish and discredit the maturity and worth of a story. 'queenka' and 'kingka' are not real words, and they just... no. I'm sorry. It's better to just use words like 'the most popular' or to not directly state the status period. You could just reveal their status through character development, throughout the story. I mean, if someone's popular, others will look up to them, so you can make that happen within the story rather than directly stating 'he's the kingka and everyone bows down to him'.
That's just something to look out for.

Some other things I would like to point out:

1. He likes to harass and bully Kyungsoo. He is rich and he was the kingka along with other 10 guys.

You switched between tenses here. 'Is' is present tense, and 'was' is past tense. Also, if you wanted to have the word before 10, you should have used 'another'. If not, then it has to go after '10'. And you shouldn't use a number in numerical form unless you've already written it out, or something larger. So, you should've used 'ten' instead. How you can change it:

He likes to harass and bully Kyungsoo. He is rich and he is the best, along with ten other guys.

2. Do Kyungsoo was a nerd boy during the day except that he gets bullied and he ran away from abuse at home but there was a secret Kyungsoo is hiding from everybody. Kyungsoo was a different person during the night. He actually doesn’t wear glasses, his hair wasn’t black, he doesn’t wear nerdy clothes and he is part of a spying group called S.E.C.R.E.T (Sabotage Enemies Capture Rivals Endure Target).

There are changes between tenses, and awkward phrasing, as well as run-on sentences. How you can change it:

Do Kyungsoo is a nerd during the day - he gets bullied, and when he was younger he ran away from an abusive home. But, there is a secret he is hiding from everybody. Kyungsoo is a different person during the night. He doesn't wear glasses, his hair isn't black, and he doesn't wear nerdy clothes. 

And, most importantly, he is a part of a spy group called S.E.C.R.E.T - a.k.a Sabotage Enemies Capture Rivals Endure Target.

But, other than those mistakes, I didn't see anything wrong with your foreword overall. It wasn't too cluttered, so that was nice.

Characters (14/20)
Your characters, to be honest, aren't very believable. Even for far-fetched characters, like Kyungsoo, there needs to be some sort of believability, something that the readers can still connect with and relate to.
Jongin didn't have any redeeming factors, really, so he wasn't even a likable love interest for Kyungsoo. Your characters still have a long way to go for development, but they're at a level now where, I suppose, it isn't too bad, and it won't scare off the dedicated readers. Just increase their relatable qualities and their overall likability.

Narrative Elements (15/30)
The first thing I would like to point out is the text alignment. Center alignment is great and all, but only for poems or stories that have more of an artistic style (i.e a series of poems and such). For a regular full length story like yours, left or right alignment would be better - it's not only neater and easier to read, but it makes everything flow nice as well. So, I recommend picking a side and sticking to it.
Also, when you have a curse word, don't use ** to replace letters. If you're going to have curse words, write them out. If you aren't comfortable with them, then don't use them period. Again, it takes away from the maturity level.
I am only going to give a few specific examples from each chapter (the first three), and show how you can edit them, but I won't give you the little details why. If you can't pick up on them and have a question, feel free to PM me personally about it, and I will be glad to help you. ^^ Now, the most common mistakes are: switching between tenses, awkward sentence structure, and spacing. I also noticed that you didn't put punctuation after some dialog, and you switched between first person POV ('I' or 'me') to third person ('he' or 'they').

Chapter One:

1. Hello. My name is Do Kyungsoo. I’m going to tell you about my story. I’m 17 years old and I go SM High. I’m a ‘weak’ nerd that can’t defend himself from the popular kids at school. I was always in first place in the whole school and I had a scholarship. There was a guy I hated the most. Kim Jongin. He always bully and harass me with his stupid friends. But, that was during the day. I was a rebel kid at night. I don’t wear glasses, I don’t wear nerdy clothes, and my hair wasn’t black. But that was during the night. Also I was a part of a spying group call S.E.C.R.E.T

Hello, my name is Do Kyungsoo. I'm going to tell you about my story. I am a seventeen year old boy, and I go to SM High. To everyone else I am a 'weak' nerd that can't defend himself. I am always first place in academics, and I have a scholarship. 

There is a guy I hate the most. His name is Kim Jongin. He always bullies and harasses me with his stupid friends.

But, that is only during the day.

During the night, I am a rebel kid. I don't wear glasses, I don't wear nerdy clothes, and my hair isn't actually black. 

I am a part of a spy group called S.E.C.R.E.T

2. Whenever I go home I was always scared. I always try to hide from them but I always failed. Not only that happened but the bullying at school got worse. Somehow they knew about the death of my grandfather and they started calling me a ‘murderer’. Since I couldn’t handle the abuse and bullying.I started to cut myself. I still have the scars on my arm. One night I decided to run away from home.

Whenever I would go home, I was always scared. I always tried to hide from them, but I always failed.

And, not only that but the bullying at school got worse. Somehow they knew about the death of my grandfather and they started calling me a 'murderer'. Since I couldn't handle the abuse, I started to cut myself. 

I still have scars on my arms.

And, then one night, I decided to run away.

3. “Wow. Have you ever looked yourself in the mirror? You look ugly with those big a** eyes” A guy with black hair said

"Wow. Have you ever looked in the mirror? You look ugly with those big eyes." A guy with black hair said.

Chapter Two:

1. “Okay then you may sit down.” Kyungsoo was bored. He already knew what the topic was about. After 3 hours of boring lessons it was finally lunch time. Kyungsoo's favorite subject. They reason why he liked lunch was that he got to talk with the BtoB members and can hide from those a**holes. He ran up to a old classroom and locked himself there. His phone rang.

"Okay, then you may sit down."

Kyungsoo was bored. He was smart enough to know what the topic was about, and after three hours of a boring lesson it was finally lunch time. That was Kyungsoo's favorite subject. The reason he liked it so much was because he got to talk to the BtoB members and he could hide from those s who bullied him. 

He ran up to an old classroom and locked himself in there; then, his phone rang.

2. “Baby Kyungie we have to get going. See you tonight” They hung up. Kyungsoo had nothing else to do. He stood up and started wondering at the hallways. He bumped and fell into Chanyeol.

"Baby Kyungie, we have to get going. See you tonight." They finished before hanging up.

Kyungsoo had nothing else to do. He stood up and started wandering around the hallways before he bumped into Chanyeol, falling in the process.

Chapter Three:

1. “I have a special mission for you. Meet me in the basement when you are done changing your clothes” Mr.Woo said. I went to the bathroom to take a shower. After 20 minutes, I left the bathroom and put on my wig and my fake glasses. I really hated my wig but I had no other choice. I went down to the basement.

"I have a special mission for you, so meet me in the basement when you're done changing." Mr. Woo replied.

I went the bathroom to take a shower after we hung up. After twenty minutes, I left the bathroom and put on my wig and glasses. I hated the wig, but I had no other choice. 

Once I was finished with everything, I went down to the basement to meet Mr. Woo.

2. It was almost time to go to class. I stood up and started walking towards the classroom. I went to my desk and sat down. I took out my textbook and started solving the problems. The bell rang and the teacher came in. I was in the middle of writing notes when EXO started throwing paper balls at me. One of them said ‘read me’. I decided to look at it. I opened it up.

It was almost time to go to class, so I stood up and started walking toward the room. I went to my desk and sat down before taking out my textbook to solve problems. The bell rang and the teacher came in. While I was in the middle of writing notes, EXO started throwing paper balls at me, and one of them said 'read me'. I decided to take a look, so I opened it.

Like I said before, these are all only suggestions and you don't have to change anything. PM if you want to know the specifics, but I won't say them here because reviews are not meant to correct grammar, only to give feedback and help you improve.

Plot & Theme (30/35)
As I stated before, your overall plot isn't very original. BUT, it is salvageable. You can easily throw in a huge plot twist to throw everyone off and give the story a great shock factor. If you did something like that, then I think your story can be one of the best of it's kind out there.

Entertainment Factors (8/10)
Despite how harsh some of my words may have been in this review, I did enjoy reading it, and I know it can go so much further if you take into consideration my tips. I also recommend maybe hiring a beta reader who has been on AFF a while and is fluent in English, and knows their stuff about grammar and structure, and all that sha-bang. 
I hope you aren't disheartened by any of this, and you appreciate the review anyway.

Overall Score (82/120)

Reviewer's Song Choice: