Second Chance
Review Requested By: janeloveexo [NguyenThaoVi]
Reviewer: HeadToToesLove
Review Requested: August 1st, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: August 4th, 2015
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Title (7/10)
My first impression of it was that it’s cliche. Many stories on here have this title and they're all about finding love again and all that stuff. But, despite being cliche, it isn’t a bad title. It's deeper because it's a literal second chance at winning her over again when she lost her memory, and he was able to start fresh with her.

Foreword (13/15)
The wording is a bit awkward and the color red is a bit too bright. It looks neater if you have one color; if you want to make something stand out, bold it or italicize it (like you did with the keywords - the keywords were a nice touch, by the way. Gave a dramatic effect).
Tip: Make everything a single color (black or gray are best for visual purposes of the readers). And for the song lyrics in the story, when you used red there, too, instead of changing the color to red, you could have used center alignment to put a difference on them from normal text. Also, just a suggestion that isn’t really important, but you could make the alignment of the description centered since the sentences are so short, and that would look really nice with what you have written, but left align is totally chill, and it’s not a negative thing.

Characters (12/20)
To be honest, it was very hard to get a feel for your characters. There wasn’t much in character development or anything (which happens often in one or two shots, so it’s understandable).

Narrative Elements (20/30)
After ‘...’ you still need a space. And, if you use ‘...’ always use three dots, no more or no less.

Ex. “That long wavy hair...That very fair skin.”

That long wavy hair… that very fair skin.

When putting words in thoughts, use italics rather than the apostrophe quotes (i.e ‘Lost memory?’ should be Lost memory? since it is a thought. The quotes can get confusing and make readers believe it is spoken dialog.

The sentences are kind of short, and lack detail. You should draw them out a little more, add to it. And, your spacing could also be a bit more spread out.

“That really made Jongin shocked”

This sounded kind of awkward, so it would work better as:

That really shocked Jongin. 

Your punctuation is a bit of problem. You have an overuse of commas. And, a note, but it’s a good idea to write numbers out in stories, rather than use them in numerical form, unless it’s for a number to a house or locker combination or something informal. When referring to anything with time (like the time of day (i.e three in the morning), age (fourteen years old, or a passage of time, (like with your ‘8 years’)) you should write it out. Below are some examples that I found that have some of the things I talked about and you can work on.

Ex. “Oh..8 years ago.. I’m sorry if I can’t remember you, I lost my memory 4 years ago, and I think that’s why I can’t remember you. Are you my friend back there?” You said it normally, but enough to make Jongin almost got a heart attack. ‘Lost memory?’ He repeated that words in his heart.

Oh… eight years… I’m sorry if I can’t remember you. I lost my memory four years ago, and I think that’s why. Were you my friend from before?” You said it normally, but it was enough to almost give Jongin a heart attack.
Lost memory? He repeated the words in his head.

Ex. “But..You actually felt his face familiar.”

But… you actually felt as if his face was familiar.

Ex. “He didn’t give a about other things, included his new job.”

He didn’t give a about other things, including his new job.”

Ex. “You got to remember him, and he was willing to do anything for that.”

You have got to remember, and he was willing to do anything for that.

Ex. “Let out a huge sigh, Kai punched some numbers on his phone, he spoke with a person across the line with a very low voice, so you could not listen to what he said.”

Letting out a huge sigh, Kai punched some numbers into his phone and spoke with a person across the line, keeping his voice low so you couldn’t overhear what he said.

Ex. “Like a gentleman always do, he opened the door for you and you smiled to him.”

Like a gentleman always does, he opened the door for you and you smiled at him.

Ex. “Then, it finally reached the destination. You could feel Kai got out of the car, and opened the door for you.”

Then, the car finally reached the destination. You could feel Kai get out of the car and open the door for you.

Ex. “You used to know me. I am Chanyeol.And the guy you was with is my friend, now Ms, let’s go inside.”

“You used to know me. I am Chanyeol, and the guy you were with is my friend. Now, miss, let’s go inside.” (Ms. is for a title like Ms. Green or something. Miss is when you refer to a woman without a title).

Ex. “You barely could take your eyes of it and snapped back to reality when Chanyeol tapped on your shoulder.”

You could barely take your eyes off of it, only snapping back to reality when Chanyeol tapped your shoulder.

Ex. “You picked it up and read : ‘Follow this petal’. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. You wanted to ask what it meant, but there was nobody, so you got no choice but to follow the petal.”

You picked it up and it read ‘Follow the petals’. You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion - you wanted to ask what it meant, but no one was there, so you had no choice but to follow them.

Ex. “Kai’s eyes widen.”

Kai’s eyes widened.

Ex. “The car ran away.”

The car drove away.

Ex. “And that promise was the only thing that made him still alive.”

And that promise was the only thing that allowed him to live on.

With colons ( : ) you don’t need the space after the first word. So, ex. ‘His nametag showed : Suho’ should actually be ‘His nametag showed: Suho.’

I didn’t see much of a slip up between tenses, which is usually the most common mistake in stories (Lord knows I’ve made this mistake many times myself) so I applaud ya on that one.

Also, this isn’t really a huge problem as of right now, but your vocabulary is rather limited. It’s understandable (mine still has a long ways to go, too). I’m a huge nerd when it comes to English, though, and I love learning new words to use in my writing. You can use this sight if you ever want or need a synonym to words, and you can learn new words from here, as well. But, like I said, this isn’t negative, just something for you to expand and improve on in the future. \(^~^)

Plot & Theme (30/35)
It moved kind of fast, to be honest. You could have added more detail and spaced it out a bit. The reason it seemed rushed may have been because of the lack of descriptions. If you broaden it and add some imagery and maybe add a bit where he’s actually talking in the interview, it may seem less rushed.
Also, it wasn’t too realistic when she suddenly told him that she lost her memory four years ago. If she didn’t remember him, she shouldn’t really trust him like that. You could have added more to it, of him trying to convince her he knew her before she was like “I can’t remember you, sorry”. Of course, you ended up changing that when she revealed she had remembered, him which was kind of random.
Not gonna lie… The plot twist at the end threw me a little. I don’t think suddenly making her confess to faking it the whole time, although it was a surprise, was a good idea for your plot. I mean, it made it more original, I guess, so you get points for that, but overall, it lowered the entertainment and excitement of it all.
And if I were Kai, I would have been more pissed off. I mean, she lied to you this whole time about not remembering you and put you through so much strife, and you’re still aren’t mad? It was kind of unrealistic to me.
And, calling him nothing but ‘Oppa’ after she confessed was also a mistake. She could have at least called him by his real name when he proposed to her.
And, then you added another plot twist that was also kind of… twisted. It was all rushed, and it really came out of no where.
In all honesty, I feel like the alternate ending was better, and maybe you should just use that ending instead. It was more unique and made more sense overall. If anything, you should at least make it the main ending and have the first one be the alternate.
All in all, though, you did make it somewhat more unique than stories of the same kind, so good job.

Entertainment Factors (7/10)
The story was cute in some parts, so I think people will enjoy reading it, and there's a shock factor with your endings, too. I liked it. ^^

Overall Score (89/120)

Reviewer's Song Choice: