First Love, Again
Requested by: Taorislover07
Reviewer: Yoon_Jeonghan
Review Requested: July 18th, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: July 22nd, 2015
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I decided to change the way of the review as the story was chaptered, but it isn't really a review. It's more like an advice.

Title: (6/10)

Foreword: (6/15)

Characters: (12/20)

Narative Elements: (19/30)

Plot and Theme: (20/35)

Entertainment Factors: (6/10)

Overall Score: (69/120)

REVIEWER'S NOTE:
What I noticed was that your story chapters were really short. This is because you lack description in your story. Most of the plot in your story is told by dialogue. This can become boring for the readers as too much dialogue is overwhelming. You need description. In chapter one, you introduced Tao as a new transfer student from China who wakes up late on the first day of school. Although this type of beginning is really cliche, twist the wording around to make it sound complex and interesting. "He check his phone he almost drop his coffee and phone when he saw the time... He totally forgotten that its his first day today and his going to be late.. he just place his coffee on the table without even having a sip and rushed to the bathroom." Instead of writing it like that rephrase it to something with more description like, "With a cup of coffee in his hand, he settled himself down on the kitchen counter, watching the time tick by. Realising the time, he slammed his unfinished beverage on to the counter and sprinted his way to the bathroom. It was his first day at school and he couldn't be late, not with all the possible embarrassing scenarios that could ruin his college life." Writing something like this evokes more emotion as it is similar to our everyday life.

You also introduce a lot of characters throughout your story. Instead of listing them like you did in chapter three, introduce them through their actions, emotions and appearance. You also have a lot of grammatical errors. I'm not sure if English is your second language or not, but your sentence structures are very much similar to an elementary school student's sentences (I'm sorry for being rude). Play with the structure, make it sound complex and read it out loud to see if your sentences flow. Replace simple adjectives and verbs like "shock" and "move", with something like "suprised" and "shifted".

Don't use words like "Until one day" to tell time. Rephrase it something like "With the constant appearance of his new friends by his side, Tao couldn't keep up with the time and he found himself standing infront of his apartment, watching it as it was about to be demolished." Overall, I think the situations you have in mind are great. Just describe them, fix your grammatical erorrs and twist the wording to make the sentences sound complex and interesting. This makes the story dramatic, evokes emotion from the audience, creates smiles and moves them to tears. I hope you finish the story despite my criticism and I hope to read it when you finish. I'm sorry for being rude and for the late review, but thank you for requesting.

- Erin

Reviewer's Song Choice: