Counting Seconds
Requested by: nyongtorigri
Reviewer: Yoon_Jeonghan
Review Requested: August 21st, 2015
Review Completed & Posted: August 25th, 2015
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Title (6/10)

Foreword (9/15)

Characters (15/20)

Narative Elements (19/30)

Plot and Theme (25/35)

Entertainment Factors (7/10)

Overall Score (81/120) 

REVIEWER'S NOTE:

Okay, first of all, I'd like to apologize for the late review as I've been busy over the past week.

Your title isn't really creative and it's cliche. The foreword is short and doesn't really tell the audience much about the story which really makes the story seem boring. Instead of writing dialogue from the story, I suggest you to write a short description like the one where you posted in your request. Something like "Seungri's life is at stake after he is kidnapped by an overly obsessed fan who threatens his existence on Earth. With only seconds to his last breath, Jiyong attempts to save his beloved before it's too late", is much better than the dialogue as it tells a little bit about what happens and the readers can get a glimpse of your story.

Your story seems cluttered as well. Spreading the wording out makes the text look professional and neat. If you are afraid of the text being short, add a lot of description. It helps the readers imagine and creates a movie in their heads when you describe what your characters look like and what their surroundings are. I also notice that there is a lot of dialogue, and when I mean a lot, the dialogue takes up three thirds of the story. I have already said this, so I'll say this again for emphasis. add more description. Elaborate on how your character is feeling when being kidnapeed and how his friends feel, what Kim Sora looks like or even what the jajang noodles taste like. 

As for punctuation and sentence structure, I know you've stated that English is not your first language, try to edit. Read the sentence out loud a couple of times to see if it sounds right and flows. I know that it's extremely hard to remember to use what tense, but editing and rereading your text helps a lot. English is my second language and I know it took years to perfect and sometimes I still find myself repeating old habits like using present tense when past tense should be used.

Overall, your story is great. Aside from the punctuation and the great amount of dialogue, everything flows well together. I really like how the plot is flowing right now and I can kind of see where it is going, but hopefully, your going to add a weird plot twist or add a happy ending to make the story more interesting. I'll repeat this again, add description, describe the characters, what they feel, look like, what they are doing in the current situation. It was a very interesting plot you took on and I do hope to read it all when you actually finish it. Keep up the good work and continue writing, it helps with the English. And yet again, I apologize for the late review. 

Reviewer's Song Choice: