Chapter 78
You Said Remember Me II
Shutting the door to his bedroom he blew at the bangs falling over his forehead. He didn’t want to hear her finish the sentence. He didn’t want to hear her confess about Eunhyuk again.
Still holding onto the glass of water he turned to the table beside his bed to steal a glance at the photo he’d taken with Yuri on their graduation day.
/ / / / /
He’d watched them come and go, come and go. The old, the young, and the ones who did not know anything of the world’s ways. Alone at the window in his seat he ran his finger around and around the ring of his soda can continuously. It was empty by now, but he didn’t want to leave his post to toss it away just yet. Its content was drained and cleared, but he couldn’t clear his mind out yet.
“Yea…I’m a coward,” he quietly muttered.
Eunhyuk ran his dry hand through his hair.
“Am I doing the right thing?” a glum Victoria questioned from beside him, head hung low.
The brisk afternoon air only helped to dampen the mood up some more. Through the whole day, Victoria had stopped appearing cheery as she had when he found her on the front doorstep. The trip seemed to have killed her spirit off. Or whether that specific day of the week of the month of year did. And every year, it would keep coming again.
Victoria was sitting at a picnic table at the back of the building separated from the main house, her legs tucked underneath the table. Eunhyuk sat nearby, his legs sprawled across while he leaned against the table. A large oak tree kept them in check with its long arms and pouring leaves floating above their heads. Flecks of the leaves’ shadows bounced off his arm continuously.
Once more, the briskly wind whooshed by only to broaden the brooding atmosphere.
“Then why are you here? Why do you even bother remaining under one house with him?” Eunhyuk wanted to know.
If Victoria was in such doubt, shouldn’t she have asked herself that in the first place?
“But people make mistakes, Eunhyuk. What if this is one of my mistakes? One of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made?” Victoria shook her head so depressingly. “If I love him, then why do I keep thinking about In Seol!? Why do I feel so lonely and lost? Even when he’s there, I feel this way. Is something wrong with me? Eunhyuk, is something wrong with me?”
Like he could answer her. He wouldn’t know the answer himself.
“I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore,” Victoria clamped her eyes shut. “Sometimes I find myself wondering if I brought myself here out of an illusion. If I married him because he understood how important In Seol was to me and he respected that, but still pushed his limit. Did I marry him just because he saved me?”
“Aren’t you the coward,” it wasn’t a question, a statement more like. Maybe a statement made to sound a bit sarcastic.
Victoria turned to look at him. Her eyes were a fixture of confusion and frustration. Tired.
“Running away, you could do it. No doubt about that,” Eunhyuk told. “Coming this far and staying in your current position, takes strength and belief. Maybe you need to revisit memories of you and Donghae, when he meant most to you. When he wasn’t just ‘him’.”
Her small frown of worries slowly dissolved.
Eunhyuk smiled encouragingly, “I’m sure you don’t need a reason for being where you are. Donghae was the one who brought you here by trampling upon your calm city life. Maybe you should ask him to give you some reason to ease your troubles. And if his feelings suffocate you, run away then.”
“Eunhyuk…”
“You’re just scared, I don’t know of what, but you’re just afraid. Perhaps afraid that you can’t leave In Seol and really start anew. Who knows, it hasn’t even been a year since you’ve been married. It’s normal to feel this way. Cause in the next 15 years, this problem of yours will just look like a grain of sand compared to your life with Donghae and the few kids you’ll have by then. This, Victoria, is how I, a coward, feel when I sympathize with you. So I can’t say, you can’t be afraid. It’s ok to be afraid, in the end, I’ll have your back after Donghae, that is.”
His encouraging smile immediately disappeared when Victoria grasped his hand. Eunhyuk glanced at her small smile and smiled again.
It’s ok to be a coward. He’d told Victoria that. They’d been cowards together. All along, the both of them had been cowards. The baby in Victoria’s womb would no doubt help patch her relationship with Donghae. But where would he go?
Should he think about when Nana meant the most to him? Was he sunken in stupid denial? Or was he just afraid? Afraid of the magnetic force he felt when their eyes would meet? Because of Changmin, would his story end up the same as it had been with Donghae and Victoria?
/ / / / /
Yuri dug through her closet, the hangers clicking against each other as she reached toward the far left to grab a dress she’d worn only once. Finally pulling it out, she held it toward Nana.
“Changmin said you’ll need to wear something nice,” Yuri said. “I’m pretty sure it’ll fit. It’s the stretchy kind of material. It goes well with your body line too.”
Nana’s eyes ran over the pink dress.
“You don’t have to…”
“Just take it. You should learn when not to be hesitant, it annoys others,” Yuri smiled pushing the dress into her arms. “I’m going to go take a shower, so feel free to try it on when I’m not here.”
Yuri closed the closet and grabbed her pajamas walking into the bathroom. She first untied her hair and turned the faucet on. While waiting for the water to fill the tub she sat down on the toilet, arms dropping into her lap.
She’d said it. She’d tried to say it, but he wouldn’t hear it. Perhaps, Changmin would never want to hear it.
Her thudding heart helplessly throbbed and seconds later Yuri found herself crying over her helpless situation.
/ / / / /
She was falling. Falling into a thick dark misty cloud. No, it was her in. The speed warped her in, invisible windy hands gripped her flailing arms pulling her down beneath the black blanket.
A shrill scream escaped Victoria and she shot up in bed. Sweat soaked her forehead grabbing her hair along with it. She found herself panting for air and immediately tossed the blanket off her. When she got to her feet and ran a hand up her head she finally recalled that Donghae was sleeping beside her.
Victoria ran her eyes over his sleeping figure and walked around the bed opening the bedroom door. She felt sick. Her body wanted water.
“What kind of dream was that?” Victoria muttered to herself as she started down the stairs.
Stopping in the dark kitchen, she found her way to the fridge and poured herself a glass of water. After taking a gulp of the icy water she felt much better. Heaving a sigh she turned around to see someone come in through the dining room and immediately gave a shout.
“Shh! It’s just me!” Eunhyuk rushed toward her.
Victoria quieted and nodded.
“What the heck? Did you go out?” Victoria wondered.
“I just went for a walk.”
“At 2 in the morning?” Victoria frowned.
“I couldn’t clear my head.”
“Does it bother you that much?” Victoria asked. “Just what happened between you and Nana that’s got everyone else stirred up?”
Eunhyuk glanced away from her prying eyes staring for any kind of movement she could read.
Victoria sighed, “I let you in on my secrets. Can’t I share some of yours?”
She noticed his eyes fall toward the ground in a depressing manner. Just what was so heavily weighing his mind down?
“Is it alright to borrow your shoulder for a moment?” Eunhyuk asked.
Victoria’s lips fell apart. What could she say? She couldn’t comfort him because he refused to tell her anything. If Donghae knew, he’d be at Eunhyuk’s throat again. And before she knew it, Eunhyuk had her in his arms with his head leaning on her shoulder. Victoria’s mouth opened to speak or at least mutter a sound, but nothing came. Always, nothing came.
“I can’t tell you anything. I’m sorry,” Eunhyuk apologized.
If only she could look at his eyes she’d be able to tell if he was talking about sorrow, or if he was just simply being apologetic.
Victoria shifted her head bringing her arm up to pat his back. He was completely embracing her, she was aware of it. Eunhyuk had completely wrapped his arms around her.
She knew it. No, she’d always known it.
Victoria was aware that such a thing would never occur ever again. This was the closest they would ever get.
Outside the line of friendship.
When she returned to the bedroom Donghae’s eyes were open. Victoria crawled underneath the blanket and lie on her back. His hand reached out for hers and clasped it.
“You’re awake?” she turned to look at him.
“Yea…” he replied. “Where’d you go?”
“I got thirsty. Just something to drink.” Victoria calmly answered.
“Can you come closer?” his voice was quiet, but pleading.
“Is something wrong? You sound different.”
“Do you always have to ask questions?”
“I get it from you.” she joked, but it wasn’t working that night. Donghae wasn’t reacting to her joke.
Without further comment she shifted toward him immediately feeling his arm wrap itself around her waist pulling her closer. He placed a peck on her neck and by her ear gently.
“What, what, what?” Victoria questioned finally turning her face to look at him.
He quickly kissed her on the lips and on the nose, “Just…I just wanted to kiss you.”
However, he’d already tightly gripped her hand in his to the point that her fingers entwined around themselves in pain. Donghae hugged her tightly digging his face into her shoulder. Victoria lie there awake wondering what was going through that mind of his.
Yuri left for work the same the next morning. Changmin and the rest resorted to their own thing. Victoria found herself sitting in Yuri’s room with a hair curler in hand, a makeup set at the side, and Nana sitting in front of her. Of course she would have to help the girl prepare for the musical later in the day.
While Victoria curled Nana’s hair, her thoughts ran loose.
Eunhyuk had always been there. He’d been there all the way ever since her friends were murdered one after another. And ever since Donghae had so suddenly approached her. Even when he left, Eunhyuk never did. Eunhyuk had truly been the only person who remained with her throughout the whole journey in Seoul.
It had been some time during those days when she had feigned as Eunhyuk’s girlfriend. Yes, it had been during those days when she had been hurting so bad because of Donghae that she and Eunhyuk had gotten closer. She recalled that after the mess, Eunhyuk had never answered her question.
“Eunhyuk, you don’t like me do you?”
That’s true. He’d never answered her.
They’d talked and just sat next to each other for the longest time. Even through silence, they talked to each other. There hadn’t been a need to say anything.
“Do I…remind you of Hae?”
Victoria’s hands paused after grabbing a lock of Nana’s silky hair. So much of the conversation was coming back to her all of a sudden. Why did those aspects seem so important now?
“I had a question I wanted to ask,” Eunhyuk told. “But…I think it’s better that I don’t ask.”
What, what, what!? What had he wanted to say then? He had wanted to say something more after asking her if he reminded her of Donghae. Something…something that now seemed so relevant to everything else. Something that was most likely the answer to why he’d gone quiet ever since they reached Yuri’s home.
The hair curler dropped from her hand without her realizing it. Her mind had now totally gone elsewhere.
It was the question Victoria had been aware of. The question that had once penetrated her. Whether there had been feelings between them or not. Whether what really locked them together as friends and what made Donghae fear Eunhyuk as a rival was if they had an ambiguous bond.
Had she, herself, had feelings for him while Eunhyuk had righteously brought Donghae back to her side? Had Eunhyuk, as well, had feelings for her?
But she’d set that matter aside after pondering over it for a day. Her feelings had obviously gone overboard for Donghae the past year. However, the many doubts she’d had about their marriage made her a guilty one. They had surfaced only because of Donghae.
Had she, though, been a problem to Eunhyuk too? Was that why he wasn’t facing Nana on as he should?
Victoria felt her mind swirl.
Had Eunhyuk wanted to ask about who he’d have been in her heart if she met him before Donghae? Had that been the question he didn’t want to ask after all?
***I don't know if you guys have been waiting for it, but I think I have. When Victoria realizes that Eunhyuk really may have liked her all along.
spring semester ends this friday and i'm off for summer break :D i'll get back on track with YSRMII
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