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♥ TITLE 3.5/5: The title is short and simple. However, it lacks uniqueness; it lacks something that can attract people. I must say that I wouldn’t particularly click in the story by just the title.
In the end I think it fits the story and theme, but not entirely. 

♥ FOREWORD + DESCRIPTION 5.5/10: The description is an excerpt from the story instead of an actual description. I think you could’ve thought of something better. It leaves readers curious to know more, yes, but I do think the excerpt (on its own) is a little bit “inappropriate”. Maybe you could put the excerpt but still write something else after.
The foreword then, is the right place for you to put an excerpt from the story, to make readers even more curious, after they had read the description. In the author note, you could have written why you decided to write this story or any fact about it.
That half point is for the little cute birds I think it matches well.

♥ STYLE + DESIGN 2.5/5: You have no poster nor background, so I won’t be able to give you all the score as I can’t judge those. The font is at a good size, same color (which doesn’t hurt the readers’ eyes – black) and the font type is also good.
Your writing style isn’t very improved. Your writing could be better if it was more descriptive, which means, describing more the situations, the happening and the characters.

♥ PLOT 15/30: The plot is quite confusing actually. First of all, everything just happens really fast. You jump from scene to scene, without connecting them. The love between Jieun and Daehyun, I guess it happened just too fast, it could reach the reader if you have given more details about their relationship.
One thing I’ve noticed was that you focused the story on them first and then, suddenly, the mystery started and there was someone trying to catch Daehyun to conquer the world, after getting what he needed to do it.
The flow really determines the way the reader might understand the story and the way it takes. If the flow was at a good pace, then the case of focusing in Jieun and Daehyun first and then in the mystery could have worked.
The idea in itself is really good, I just don’t think you grabbed the best way to write it. You could have given some hints about the whole mystery with more scenes, or acts from characters, other than when Daehyun denied having the blue specks in his eyes (for example).

♥ CHARACTERIZATION 10/15: I think you did quite well in this section. I’ve got to see each character’s sides. Although there was one character that left me a bit confused (a.k.a Daehyun) I caught many details about the others.
I liked how Jun Hyosung was lively, bright and care-free. For Song Jieun, I liked how you showed the way she worried so much about her best friend and later, also about Daehyun. Relatively to Jongin, I think it suits him the bad roles, so, I also liked his character, how he was able to use his so called friend to get something for his father, and then use everyone around him.
For Daehyun, he had a somewhat contrasting personality. In the beginning he was the Mr. Perfect guy; good-looking; gentle; sweet; good friend; innocent … but then he reveals to be someone who hides a secret and is a” world savior” as he kept the elixir in his heart….
Jongin’s father also came out of nowhere… I think you could have maybe, dig into his character a bit more.

♥ GRAMMAR + SPELLING 14/20: Description and chapter one (mispelled words + corrections): clapsed; unclapsed; an bullet; surpressing; controling; park lot (clasped; unclasped; a bullet; suppressing; controlling; parking lot)

Chapter one (mistakes + corrections):
"You don't have to waste your money on the taxi everyday like this." Jieun smiled.
(“You don’t have to waste your money on the taxi every day like this.”
Jieun smiled. Daeun …) – this was a mere change to a paragraph. Because it wasn’t Jieun who spoke, I think it should be better to add a paragraph there. Readers might get confused and think it was her who said that. When there’s a speech and you don’t add anything related to the one who spoke, then add a new paragraph.
"You're dressing nice today..."
(“You’re dressed nicely today …”)
dressed nice (dressed nicely) – here you need to use the adverb instead.
With that face, you could wear clothes from the thrift shop and still look like someone out of a magazine.
(With that face, he could wear clothes from the thrift shop and still look like someone out of a magazine.) – it was a distraction mistake, wasn’t it?
She followed him to a nearby cafe, where he parked his car and sat in the front seat.
(She followed him to a nearby cafe, where he had parked his car and sat in the front seat.) – I think the past perfect is the most suitable in there, as the car was already parked there before right? If the action has happened before what’s happening at the moment, then it has to be past perfect/continuous.
She turned her head to look at him. He leaned in. She her stomach did somersaults, but then he reached for the seat belt and buckled it for her. Jieun frowned and felt disappointed. Daehyun noticed this.
(She turned her head to look at him and he leaned in. Her stomach tickled, right when he reached for the seat belt and buckled it for her. Jieun frowned as she felt disappointed and Daehyun noticed that.) – try to connect the phrases with linking words such as: however, but, as, so, although and many others. In this was you’ll have a more fluid text, without many stops through it.
"You're awfully quiet today." Jieun face Daehyun again, but he wasn't looking at her. His eyes were locked on the road, controling the steering wheel.
"Do you like how I look today?" Jieun instantly felt stupid for asking such a ridiculous question out of the blue.
("You're awfully quiet today." His eyes were locked on the road, controlling the steering wheel.
Jieun faced Daehyun again, but he wasn't looking at her. "Do you like how I look today?" Jieun instantly felt stupid for asking such a ridiculous question out of the blue.) – the structure wasn’t the best. Again, whatever you write about the one speaking must be after his/her speech.
His lips where her ear was, he whispered, "You look like my Jieun, all day, everyday."
("You look like my Jieun, all day, everyday." His lips whispered in her ear.) – structure
She felt breathing pace hitch.
(She felt her breathing rising. / She felt the pace of her breathing going fast.)
Funny, she never noticed it before. And she noticed a lot about Daehyun.
(Funny, she had never noticed it before and she noticed a lot about Daehyun.)
Daehyun quickly moved away and looked away.
(Daehyun quickly moved and looked away.)
Daehyun's brown eyes had grown blue specks in them and it had disappeared.
(Blue specks had grown in Daehyun's brown eyes and after they disappeared.)
There were some other mistakes throughout the story, however, I do not think it's worth mention them here as they're not serious mistakes and if you read the chapter before you upload it, it will be helpful to find some spelling mistakes and see the sentence construction.

♥ FLOW 4/10: The story develops way too fast. In a moment they’re standing in front of each other, in the next second they’re already in the car, driving to somewhere else. With more detailed moments, the story will develop slower.

♥ OVERALL ENJOYMENT 3/5: I little more effort in the writing and it would have been a lot better. Some more information about additional characters also would have turned this story much better. The writing isn’t bad, but it isn’t really good either. The plot, I think you could have planned this story with detail instead. It lacks connection with some scenes.

♥ OVERALL SCORE 57.5/100

a/n: Practice makes better. You only need to practice more and correct your mistakes to improve.
I hope my review was useful and that you liked it. I tried my best in advising you in the best way I could, with all my knowledge of English. If you did like my review, I hope you can request again in the future. I would be more than glad to review one of your works again. Thank you for requesting at our shop and keep up with spreading the love towards our k-pop idols through writing! Please don’t forget to read the reminder. Fighting!
 

P.S: the poster was made by me, and I do not do posters with the intention to give them to the requesters, it is only to fill the poster space in the layout. however, requesters can have (only if they upload it onto their own website) the poster and if they tell me that they'll be using it. please do not take it without warning and credit.

P.P.S: I've corrected your entire first chapter. If you want me to give you the corrected version of it, just PM me.

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