Pick Up: SeasonsOfEXO
♦ Memories | Somnium Review Shop ArchiveWhen Jong Dae Becomes Chen
- by SeasonsOfEXO
reviewer: LoveX2254
+ REVIEW
♥ TITLE 4/5: Your title is very literal here. I feel like it's a bit long and wordy. Also, "becomes" should be capitalized in it. The only things not capatalized are articles and the sort. My only suggestion is to cut down the title a bit. Perhaps something more ambiguous like "metaporphasis" or "Not Me Anymore". Those are kinda dumb, but you get the gist.
♥ FOREWORD + DESCRIPTION 8/10: I really like your foreword and the way you stress how he feels. It's emotions right off the bat that pulls readers in. On the other hand, I felt your Description was messy. You had to many hyphens going on in there that I'm not sure were grammatically correct. I suggest using commas instead and perhaps break up some of those lengthy sentences.
♥ STYLE + DESIGN 3/5: Your font and paragraph length are pretty consistent, but there is one big thing that bothered me here. The different chapter posters and the images inside your writing are distracting from the story. Especially in the prologue with the audition flyer where all the bright colors kinda hurt my eyes. I would perhaps work those bits into the writing through descriptions such as "Jong Dae scrutinized the poster, the bright colors burning at his eyes. He squinted at it, not sure of what to think". Something like that. On a side note, you should put your a/n's at the end of your chapters so that your stories flow better.
♥ PLOT 25/30: As I said in the comments when I first read your story, I really love the plot and execution. For me, the story moved a bit fast. I mean, Baekhyun and Jong Dae seem to be friends by the second chapter and I'm not quite sure how that works. If Jong Dae was hesitant about being Chen, then wouldn't he be hesitant about being friends with someone he didn't even know? That's just a bit of a nit picky thing, though.
♥ CHARACTERIZATION 10/15: I don't really get much characterization in this whole thing. There are bits and pieces which is pretty nice, but not really enough to go off of. I like being able to connect to the characters in some way or another from the beginning which I couldn't really here. When I'm reading, I tend to lose interest if I can't connect with the characters. If anything, I think characterization is where you need to work the most.
♥ GRAMMAR + SPELLING 18/20: Other than a few small things here and there, you're golden. Especially now knowing that English is not your first language makes me applaud you. Very few people on this site can keep their verb tenses as consistent as you do which is a major pat on your back. Just a few small wrinkles here and there that can easily be fixed and aren't distracting to the reader.
♥ FLOW 7/10: As I said in plot, I felt it was a bit faced paced. Not in all aspects, but in some. Just take a little time to develop the relationships and happenings. A good flow doesn't always mean long chapters. You could have really long chapters that go everywhere, but it wouldn't be a good flow. Just slow down a tad in places and you'll be perfect.
♥ OVERALL ENJOYMENT 5/5: I really love this story and the feelings it invokes. I really think you did well here~
♥ OVERALL SCORE 80/100
a/n: When I started reading your description and foreword, I was thinking that it seemed really familiar and I was about to dock points for unoriginality until I realized that I had read your story. My commentary was in your foreword and I was sitting here like "wait... "LoveX2254 author of Coup D'etat is...it's me!" Haha sorry for being an idiot. I still stand by what I said before that I love your story.
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