Pick Up

Nightmares

Author: myungyeolliee

Reviewer: BFInspirit20

Title: 5/5

Short, sweet, and easy to remember. It's commonly used, I've seen it quite a few times before, but it's still a good title. After reading the story, it fit the overall theme well. Good job!

Foreword + Description: 8.5/10

I love how you made the description one sentence: a simple sentence that speaks the truth, but has a secret buried underneath the words. Honestly, the "A story of us" part, isn't really needed, because the prior sentence is strong enough to stand on it's own. I liked both parts, but saying "A story of us" really doesn't relate to the quote. If you wrote "This is the story of us", it would fit the quote better. I took off a point for that, and half a pint because there was no foreword, which isn't a big deal, don't worry.

Style + Design: 4/5

The font size is the perfect size, no problems there. I love the colors of the poster, and I love the picture of Sunggyu. But I had to take off a point for the title area of the poster. It's called Nightmares, but the "are dreams too" makes it seem as though "Nightmares are dreams to" is the real title of the story. Other than that, everything else is good.

Plot: 23/30

This was a good story overall, but a few things confused me. Since you didn't say who was who in the beginning of the story, I was curious as to who the "you" was (although I realize now that it was obviously Sunggyu, since he's on the poster). But I honestly thought that Woohyun was the "you", so for the whole fic, since no names were given until the end of the fic which was Sunggyu's), and the way you described Sunggyu sounded like Woohyun's features. Also, you explained in the story that Woohyun came from a nice family, and I can understand that just because a family is nice doesn't mean that a child is "happy", but what exactly caused him to "loose his mind", and go on a strange rampage that was a form of suicide?  Finally, the ending, it left a strange cliffhanger, as though it shouldn't have ended where it did. It's easy to tell that the story is completed, but the wording of the lass sentence felt awkward. "My dream has apparently become my nightmare". If you take out the apparently and leave it as "My beautiful dream had become my worst nightmare". Or something along those lines.

Other than that, I loved your word choice. i love how nostalgic it is, I feel like I'm going back in time with Woohyun to the time of my first love. The ending was tragic and somewhat unexpected (since it's called Nightmare, it's going to have a sad ending) and I really liked your writing style. Good job.

Characterization: 10/15

I really liked Woohyun's shy and nervous attitude, but I wanted to learn a bit more about him, and even more about Sunggyu. I think you made Woohyun's actions seem very real: lost, but happy, although he was actually dying behind his smile. I was really curious about both characters, and you gave the readers a good glimpse into them that was just enough, although it left me with unanswered questions. Other than that, good job.

Grammar + Spelling: 17/20

Your spelling was good overall. As for your grammar, there's only one consistent problem: you have to be careful of your tenses. Because this story is in past tense, make sure everything matches.

Example:

Your soothing voice fills every play, every performance that our school has to offer as your confidence oozes through the crowd.

Should be:

Your soothing voice filled every play, every performance that our school had to offer as your confidence oozed through the crowd.

It's an easy mistake to make, just make sure to go back and proofread. Other than that, I love your style of writing and voice. Well done!

Flow: 7/10

I felt like the story was rushed at some points. I think that Sunggyu and Woohyun should have had more moments together before they started dating, maybe even a scene involving his family to show the pressure he felt, it would have helped the story flow better. The ending felt like it ended too quick: Woohyun suddenly had a new boyfriend and left Sunggyu in the sanitarium, I don't know, it just feels rushed. The rest of the story fit well, especially the scenes when Woohyun fell for Sunggyu and when Woohyun noticed the change in Sunggyu. Overall, pretty good in this section.

Overall Enjoyment: 3.5/5

Pretty good read, it was refreshing at first, but the ending and the unanswered questions made me enjoy it a little less. It was good, don't worry, this is just my personal opinion, I don't mean to offend!

Overall Score: 78/100

A/N: Not a bad score! Although this story can't be featured in the featured story corner (because it received a score lower than 90), this is still a very good story! I love your writing style, the feeling of a dream when being near the one you'd never expect to be with, and the unforgettable ending. I love angst stories, and this was a very good one!

Thank you so much for requesting at our shop, and allowing me to be your reviewer! I hope that my advice is beneficial to you and your writing, and I really hope to see you here again son! Thanks again, and take care~ :)

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