Review: BABY_ZELO15/tsinaee

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ENDEAVORS OF HEARTS
- by BABY_ZELO15/tsinaee

reviewer: WolfGirl88

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 TITLE 3/5: I think this tittle is attractive enough. It's also unique in its own way. It's not too long neither too short for me. It should've grab the readers attention. However, I don't know if it's related to the story or not. You see, you put the meaning of endeavor in your description. I think the only thing that could've relate this tittle to you story that it will affect someone, that's one of what endeavor means, right? It does affect somebody else heart, as you wrote that Luhan challenged Sohee to break more hearts than him.  The other meanings of endeavor really doesn't relate the tittle to your story. One suggestion, put away that full stop at the end of your tittle. You don't need it. That will ruin the tittle. And I think your tittle should have 'heartbreaker' somewhere. 

FOREWORD + DESCRIPTION 7/10: I think that your description should attract more readers as it makes us(readers) feel curious. Why would Sohee be a heartbreaker? Which heart will she breaks? That's the feeling that I have once I read your description. Your foreword is good too. But you should know that what you've wrote in the foreword is already a prologue. And I spotted some of your grammar errors, which will be explained later.

♥ STYLE + DESIGN 3/5The poster and the background matched well with your story. However, I think you should've use more red colours as it's also rated. And the font that you used in the story is okay, it's not really that much attractive as I'm sure what's more important is the story itself.

♥ PLOT 20/30: So, when I read this story, I think of G-Dragon's song, 'Heartbreaker', but this story is different. What I can see is, the plot is a bit lame. There's more other stories like this in different ways written. It's always either the girl or the guy who will come back for revenge. However, it is well developed and your story manage to make me keep my eyes on it.

♥ CHARACTERIZATION 10/15: I understand what kind of a girl Sohee is, and what kind of guy Luhan is. You go through their personalities one by one, so it's good. But, I'm still unaware of Luhan's personalities a bit. At the end of chapter one, which is; 'Someone was back, someone was ready to attack him. And he wasn't ready, didn't want to think about it.' To me, it doesn't really makes sense. I mean, Luhan is the one who give her the challenge, right? Why should he's like, not ready? Although you've said that Sohee is already off his mind, he should've been ready and just wait for the next thing that will happens. Besides, he got a girlfriend.

♥ GRAMMAR + SPELLING 5/20: What do I say about this section? You see, I hardly saw any spelling mistakes. The problem is, I saw many grammatical mistakes here and there. For an example, the words in your description. You also use it in your foreword. I'm not an English person but I'll just try to point it out.
Here's the words that you've used;'Four simple sentences exchanged. One life-time changed.'
I don't really agree with 'One life-time changed.' I guess you were trying to say these instead; 'There's only four simple different sentences. And it will change your whole life.''
And this one;'What can I do to win you?'
How about;'What can I do to win over you?' You can't win a person.
This one;'It was eleventh year of knowing Luhan. Also the eleventh year of Luhan confessing to her.'
How if you use;'It's her eleventh year of knowing Luhan and also the eleventh year since Luhan confessed to her.' Unless, that eleventh year was the year that Luhan confessed to her.
This one also; 'It's had been exactly been 3 years since Luhan and her exchanged words.'
It's seriously not that right. How about; 'It had been exactly 3 years since Luhan and Sohee talk to each others.' I mean, you have to stop using that -exchanged words-. Exchange is more like exchanging things like exchanging birthday presents, exchanging papers, you know? If it's words, then it's more like -talking- or -chatting-..
See? You use another one in chapter one; 'No words needed to be exchanged, theirs eyes were locked into each other.'
Remember, exchange does not really go with words. What if you use these instead; 'There's no need to say anything as their eyes were locked into each others.' And, no. -Theirs- that you use in that sentence doesn't match well with the other words, all right? There's more, but here's some. You can ask for the other grammatical errors from me.


 FLOW 8/10: Everything went well. Not too fast, not too slow. It's just the way the flow of your story should've be.


♥ OVERALL ENJOYMENT 2/5: I actually enjoy them a bit. But you'll have to improve more especially with your grammar. Otherwise, it won't attract readers anymore. You're an English person and English is your first language so I'm sure that there will be no problem in improving more with your grammar.


♥ OVERALL SCORE 58/100

 

a/n: I know that you can do it. You'll just have to sharpen more of your grammar knowledge. If you're too lazy to study in school(because I am), take some time looking over stories in AFF that should help you with your grammar. There's some of them that could help. I was so strict in grammar because that's what I'm focused with when I'm in school. Fighting!





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Comments

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jiwonxoxo
#1
Picked up! Im sorry for picking it up so late..
kingfei #2
Chapter 28: I enjoy reading your reviews but feel there are some things I should point out ( just some stuff I noticed for this review. I'm sorry if these have already been mentioned.)
The 'u' in words like 'flavor' (-> flavour), behavior (-> behaviour), savior (-> saviour) isn't wrong, it's just the British way of spelling those words.
To say ' If I/you/he/she/it were ' instead of using 'was' isn't wrong and actually considered more correct in Writing.
Thanks for your hard work and good luck !!