Review:

Alone, But Not Lonely

Author: WolfGirl88

Reviwer: DobuOnew

♥ TITLE  1.5/5

When I looked at the title for the first time, I thought that (as me not being a native English speaker) the words you used “Alone” and “lonely” had somehow different meanings, meaning the same thing. What I want to say is that I thought that those two words had different definitions but it had to do with the same thing concerning the context too. Because I had this doubt, I went to look up the definition of the words in the dictionary and it looks to my eyes that they mean the same thing, so I don’t really think the title has some logic here. Perhaps you meant that Hyorin was alone because her parents didn’t pay attention to her due to their work, but she wasn’t lonely because she had V, Baekhyun and ChoMi with her. I did understand that but the title just doesn’t really work.

Another thing was that the title suggests a sad feeling, however from the chapters available I’ve noticed a comic and romantic vibe rather than angst, so I don’t think it fits. BUT, let me say this, you haven’t finished your story, that’s why I can’t take early conclusions.

♥ FOREWORD + DESCRIPTION  5/10

Okay so, as there are some things I want to point out, I’ll highlight them and I’ll explain everything in the end.

The original is this:

V and B. Tae Hyung and Baekhyun. Both of them are the most famous boy in their class. Born as an identitical twins, they live with an exactly different personalities. V with his annoying and worst kind of personalities and Baekhyun with his charming and totally good kind of personality. Worst of all, they like and love the same person. The person they had been living with as their friend. Meet the boyish Hyorin who always state herself as a lonely girl. Really lonely and always alone. She was wrong. Someone had always be there for her. Who? V or Baekhyun? But, sadly.. As all of the girls wanted both of this guy..

Hyorin never see and feel the same.

Corrected version:

TaeHyung and BaekHyun, who were born as identical twins, are the most famous boys in their class. They have different personalities. However, their crush is the same person: HyoRin. Knowing her for so long the twins grew feelings for her, for the boyish and (according to her) lonely girl. HyoRin, who never felt the same way towards the twins, always states that she is lonely, although someone has always been there for her.

Explanation

1. So, first of I don’t think the “V and B” beginning was needed there, so I took it out;

2. There are a lot of dots were they aren’t supposed to be or aren’t needed. (ex: Tae Hyung and Baekhyun. – For this phrase you could take the dot and instead use a comma. In that way you could connect to the next phrase);

3. The use of “an” and “a” is not corrected. (ex: Born as an identitical twins – I know that there is a vowel in the following word but the phrase is in the plural, so you can’t use “an” or “a” (which is only used for singular phrases); You say: a pen; a bag; a sheet; an elephant etc. not: a pens; a bags; a sheets; an elephants, right?

4. I took out the phrase in which you described the twins’ personalities, because it’s not only spoiler, but it’s also favorable for the reader to find out throughout the story what kind of personality each character has;

5. There is an incorrect use of the verb tenses. I can see that you confused the past tense with the present tense. Now you would say “But in the corrected version you also have past and present.”, yes, I have, but it has to do with the context. It has to do with the story too. If it’s something that had already happened then you have to use the past tense (ex: who were born as identical twins); if it’s something that is occurring in the present then you use the present tense (ex: However, their crush is the same person: HyoRin.); now, if it’s something that occurs since long ago and it’s still occurring then you use [Have/has + been + (verb+ing)];

6. I took out more info that I thought it wasn’t needed and changed the foreword a bit, in order to make it less of a spoiler and only have the necessary information.

Respectively to the foreword, I want to say that it’s better if you don’t put that long information about the main characters. It will make the story better if you develop them throughout the story and that the readers see the development. In my opinion it would be better just their names and age along with their picture.

I don’t think I have anything more to point out.

♥ STYLE + DESIGN  3.5/5

Although I’ve pointed out before, the fact of the title and so transmitting a sad vibe, I don’t think the poster and the background suit to the title, however they suit the story plot. I really like the poster and the background, that problem mentioned above is the only one.

For the font type, size and color is all good, as well as the spacing. I just would take out those lines you use to change scenes. You wouldn’t need them if you could connect each scene.

 ♥ PLOT  22/30

Well, it’s not very common twins crushing on the same person and not having a hatred feeling towards one another. I actually find it odd, they both helping each other to get rid of Zelo. The plot itself doesn’t really catch my attention as there’s nothing that stands out. It’s only the twins loving Hyorin, while she doesn’t feel the same way towards them, along with some other moments with their friends. It would be much more interesting if the twins hated each other because they like the same person; if they tried to win over Hyorin’s heart in their own way, “hurting” each other in the way …

I don’t really understand in which theme you want to write this story. I like tragic, psychological, angst fanfics then comic ones, but if you could make the twins rivalry in a comical way I would read your fanfic and I’m sure it would catch more readers’ eyes.

Also there are some moments I find a bit weird, as when ChoMi starts bleeding from her nose just because something of one of the twins said and there are more moments. If you want me to tell you just pm me and I’ll let you know what I think what it doesn’t really makes sense to me.

♥ CHARACTERIZATION  13/15

The characterization is not bad, but I guess if you could just describe them more it would be just great. Tell more about their pasts or something.

♥ GRAMMAR + SPELLING  14/20

I can clearly see that you mix the past tense with the present tense (again). Throughout the chapters I’ve noticed this mistake many times. If you choose a verb tense you’ll write with, then you should stick it with. Otherwise the readers will feel confused because the phrases won’t make sense. An (not so good) example: "So, how did it goes?" this should be like “So, how did it go?” for questions in the past simple tense you use the auxiliary verb in the past (did) and the other verb in the in the infinitive (go).

Other example:

“She didn't realize that the twins were burning in hate, mad and rage right now. That was just the way Hyorin had always acted. She was friendly and sometimes she acted too close to anyone. Boys or girls doesn't matter.”

you use past tense and in the last phrase you use the present.

In the correct way it would be like:

“She didn't realize that the twins were burning in hate, mad and rage right now. That was just the way Hyorin had always acted. She was friendly and sometimes she acted too close to everybody, boys or girls it didn't matter.”

Another thing I’ve noticed: you had “twins’s face” when you want to abbreviate and the word is in the plural you should do it like this “Twins’ face” there’s no need for another “s”. If the word already has one, then you should only put the (‘).

I’ve noticed you lack in vocabulary as your writing is simple and not very descriptive, which can be bad most of the times, as it will be more difficult for the readers to “imagine” the scenes in their heads and understand the story more.

♥ FLOW  6/10

Maybe because you don’t have a very descriptive writing you tend to “jump” from scenes to scenes without making them enough long, which will of course affect the flow. In this case I think it’s a bit fast. 

♥ OVERALL ENJOYMENT  3/5

It wasn’t something that it caught my eye. I’m sorry as I’m not a vivid comical and romantic fanfics reader, but I did like the comic vide it had. It was fresh somehow.

♥ OVERALL SCORE:  68/100

a/n: Don’t feel sad for the result. It’s not bad but it’s not the greatest. There are some things in which you need to improve a lot. I hope my review was useful and that you liked it. I tried my best in advising you in the best way I can, with all my knowledge of English. If you did like my review, I hope you can request again in the future. I would be more than glad to review one of your works again. Thank you for requesting at our shop and keep up with spreading the love towards our k-pop idols through writing! Please don’t forget to read the reminder. Fighting!

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