Pick Up

Dishevelled Ego

Author: SunshineDaises

Reviewer: BFInspirit20

Title: 4.5/5

Very unique title, and it fits the overall theme of the story very well. I took off half a point because the title has a typo. Dishevelled, is supposed to be spelled as Disheveled.

Foreword + Description: 10/10

A simple sentence, something very rare and pleasing to the eye. It leaves the story open to interpretation, making the reader wonder what happens in the story to create such a sad description. A foreword isn't needed for this story, because the simple sentence says it all!

Style + Design: 5/5

The font is the perfect size: not too big, and not too little. The poster is very unique, I love the unique look to it, especially how the girl is in blurry and clear pieces, fitting her character very well. And, of course, Onew in the background adds a very special and dark flare to it. The only bad thing I would have to say about the poster is the grey background, maybe a darker color would have added more affect. Other than that, it looks good.

Plot: 18/30

There really is no clear plot in this one-shot. A girl, confronted by her past love, is about to die and wishes for him to help her, despite their past. We can easily see the outline of the plot, but because of the abrupt ending, the reader has no idea what to make of the story. Onew and the main girl obviously broke up because of economic issues, and lets her fall to her death. There was nothing more to the story, and that makes it seem more mysterious as a result, but there were a few questions to be asked:

-Why did Onew let her fall to her death? Did he hate her the whole time, unable to handle their breakup, or was he really that evil? Did he really show no sign of remorse as she died?

-What were they doing at the top of the building to begin with? Did he trick her, or did he want to talk things out with her?

-What was their back story? How did they meet? It isn't important to the story, but it adds more texture to the story.

In short, this story has good characterization and a very sad ending, but there was very little leading up to the end. Don't be afraid to write a flashback or two, and don't be afraid of adding a lot of detail. It is a very good story, it just ended too fast.

Characterization: 13/15

There really isn't much to say about the characters, because they have no dialogue, but of course dialogue isn't needed to show characterization.

Personifying the main character as  flower creates a sense of how beautiful, innocent and fragile the girl is, and how what she went through "wilted her". She only says one word during the entire story: "Please". A simple word that shows her weakness and, even though he hurt her, how she needs him to be brought to safety.

As for Onew's character, we can see that he is very dark, tempting and hard, just like a diamond. He leaves his old love to die right in front of him, and she knows that he doesn't care about her, for he makes no move to help her as she's clinging on for life. He's more than mysterious and a little sadistic, not saying a word the entire story as he just watches her fall to her death.

Truly, no words are needed between the two to show their emotions. That being said, I really wish that you could have added a bit more detail to Onew's character, he really intrigued me. Other than that, well done.

Grammar + Spelling: 19/20

A few mistakes with spelling, capitalization, and one or two extra punctuation marks here and there. I love your writing style: the repetition of the beginning line near the end, and your choice of words to describe the characters (especially the comparison of the girl to a daisy, very clever)! I had a lot of fun reading how you compared the characters to something, from plants to colors. Well done!

Flow: 5/10

I read this story in less than 5 minutes, which isn't a bad thing, but it gives off a sense of being rushed. The story was so fast, and it had some very interesting characters and writing techniques, but it was so short. Maybe if it was a little longer with more detail, the story would have flowed better.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

This is a very good one-shot, and it has a lot of potential, but it's way too short. I wanted to see what happened next, and with the writing style and dialect you chose, the story can easily end right there. But even for a one-shot, it felt way too short, leaving a few things left for interpretation. I liked it, but because it was so short and left me with questions, it wasn't my favorite.

Overall Score: 77.5/100

A/N: This actually isn't a bad score, so don't feel bad! This is a unique story, it just needs some work, that's all. Just remember, for future writing: Don't be afraid of detail, give enough writing and plot so the story can have full closure, and just have fun!

Thank you so much for requesting at our shop, and thank you for letting me be your reviewer! I hope that I was able to help you and your writing through this review, and hopefully we'll see you here again real soon! Thank you, and take care :D

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